Hello everyone, I am Yao Tiao’s mother.
Lin Chiling finally appeared.
10 months after giving birth, she hurried back to Taiwan to promote her new book as the prelude to her career restart. She on
, with long hair on the shawl and a white dress, showing her tenderness.
Lin Chiling also revealed that she would temporarily live in Taiwan and separate from her husband.
Many people speculate whether Lin Chiling is divorced.
After all, it was not the first time she was rumored to have divorced after three years of marriage.
In recent years, the man has been exposed to his private life being chaotic many times and is suspected of cheating.
Not only that, it is rumored online that Kurosawa Ryohei tends to house-violating , and Lin Chiling was beaten and admitted to the hospital by him.
However, this information has not been confirmed, and Lin Chiling has not responded positively.
Because of constant speculation from the outside world, Lin Chiling's marriage has always been unpopular. Therefore, it is reasonable for netizens to separate from her husband for a long time less than a year after having a child.
However, in the face of doubts this time, Lin Chiling responded gently and firmly:
Separation was to take care of her elderly mother, and the relationship between husband and wife has always been very good.
Speaking of becoming a new mother, she also thanked her husband for sharing the parenting task together.
shared her parenting life. She said bluntly that being a mother was very difficult and she choked up and cried several times.
She said that after having a baby, she would feed the child night milk and change his diapers every night, and she couldn't sleep.
She has children at an advanced age, and with the fatigue of raising children, she suffers from depression. Thanks to her husband working together to raise the baby, she gradually got out of the haze.
However, the haggardness brought by parenting is still visible to the naked eye, and many netizens are busy mocking her for her decline in appearance.
"I feel so old that I can't recognize it."
" collagen is less, apple muscle is swollen."
...
all laughed at me. These people really don’t know how tired it is to have children or take care of children! At the age of 47 and just two years after giving birth, it is rare to be in such a state.
Finally, Lin Chiling did not forget to remind mothers, Parenting, never fight alone.
Actually, I have emphasized many times before: Parenting requires the participation of couples.
But many sisters say it is difficult to do it in reality.
Either the husband is not at home, or he can’t take care of him, or he refuses to take care of him. In this case, is there any way to make raising a child less tired?
Today we will talk about this topic.
How many mothers are wandering on the verge of collapse?
People's Daily and other institutions jointly released the "2022 National Depression Blue Book" showing that
Mother's probability of depression is twice that of father.
3% of women have suffered from postpartum depression ;
are postpartum depression women are ignored by their families.
Why are mothers more likely to be unhappy and depressed?
I think that's because society has too high requirements for mothers:
When you go to work, you say you don't care about your children;
Resigned and took care of your children and said you don't make money;
Even if you take care of your children every day, if you make a mistake, you will be criticized;
You are under a lot of pressure, and you will be said to be pretentious.
However, the more harsh the mother is, the more tolerant she is to her father. It is rare for a father to take care of his child once, and he will be praised as a "good father".
Many people say that it is the mother who puts herself on a lot of pressure.
In fact, in essence, a large part of these pressures come from the high demands of society and family for mothers.
Mothers are wrapped in invisible shackles and disciplined, and regard raising children as their responsibility.
They want to do their best and are too afraid that they will not do well, and they will lose themselves under tremendous pressure.
A friend became a mother and strictly followed the parenting concept. What are the positive discipline, no yelling, no threatening children... In short, be determined to practice scientific parenting to the end.
She asks herself to do her best in everything and is always in a tense state.
Too many mothers are like her "want to give their children the best company", "to make their children happy", and "to ensure their children's health".
will fall into self-blame once it fails to meet expectations.
In addition to having high demands on yourself, even the rest time that you have finally obtained has to be poured into your children.
After get off work, he was rushing back non-stop, fearing that the mother would be absent from the company of his children;
Most of the mothers who took their children to play and went to interest classes on weekends are also mothers;
Some scholars have done research on the "leisure time gap" of the family and found that -
When the father rests, he will focus on what he likes, such as fitness, reading, and gatherings. When the mother was resting, she started taking the "second shift" to take care of her children and provide tutoring her homework.
Some people say that if the husband goes to work, isn’t it appropriate for a full-time mother to take care of her children?
However, the survey shows that even if the wife's income is higher than that of her father, she will still contract more housework and parenting responsibilities.
Mothers have a strong sense of responsibility for their families and children, as well as the society’s expectations and discipline for “good mothers”, which makes them bear more pressure on parenting.
What makes people feel even more distressing is that if you get a high-demand baby, it will be even more exhausted.
A reader's mother left a message, the glorious deeds of the 3-year-old son are as follows:
Wife cake skin is broken, he insists on sticking it well, but he can't stick it together, and he cries until his throat is hoarse.
is still a complete sleeping baby. The dog downstairs will wake up if he is barked, and he will wake up if he is too quiet... He doesn't want to sleep even if he is awake.
apart for a short time, even in the mother's arms, she would cry loudly and say she missed her mother;
The most important thing is that this child is very energetic when he is awake, like a walking perpetual motion machine .
She has been a mother for only three years, and she was tortured by her baby to the point of mental weakness.
Once, I couldn't hold on anymore. I shouted my husband in the middle of the night and cried loudly.
Because of the pressure of being a mother, the workplace has become her "safe haven". I can't breathe when I am pestered by my kids, and I can only take a rest occasionally when I go to work.
Two days ago, I was worried about watching a video online.
A mother is alone at home to take care of her children, but no matter what she does, the child follows her like a little tail. Go to the bathroom and cook, and hold the child wherever you go.
The child finally fell asleep. She left quietly for a while and the child would wake up in seconds.
The child is clingy, and she felt uncomfortable during menstruation that day. Thinking that she didn't have a meal with her baby for a day, she completely collapsed and couldn't help but yell.
The child was so scared that he cried loudly. Although he was pushed away by his mother, he still kept coming forward to try to hug his mother tightly.
She immediately regretted that the child was so young, but she had to bear her bad temper. She felt unhappy after hitting herself several times.
Only those who have experienced it will understand, which mother is willing to yell at the baby, she is just too tired,
Tired - collapse - self-blame - even more tired, many mothers are trapped in a vicious cycle, collapse while healing themselves, and do not forget to have self-pua:
I am not a good mother, I am so bad.
In fact, there is no need to blame yourself.
Mom will also be tired, have emotions, and need to be released.
It is inevitable to lose your temper. Timely comforting your child can minimize the harm, it is no big deal.
I hope mothers can "release" their spirits in time. You should know that bad emotions will not only affect children, but also affect their own health.
A netizen said:
As a child who grew up in a family that "mom is often unhappy", my deepest impression is that my mother is a stern face and the whole family is covered with clouds.
For a long time, I have always been flattering and have not dared to express my needs, especially I dare not refuse others, and I am always worried that I will make others unhappy.
In addition, studies have shown that is often angry and people with more negative emotions are more likely to get sick.
Whether it is for the children or yourself, remember to relax. This is not just a lip service, but a real learning to reduce the burden on yourself.
Doing this will make you easier
✨ It’s nothing to reject children occasionally
Angel baby, one of the few in the legend.
Most babies are harsh "high-demand babies".
Many mothers will respond to "high-demand babies". They just think not to neglect their children, but ignore that they also need to rest.
In fact, when you are tired, explain your needs to the child clearly and it doesn’t matter if you refuse him.
I often have been busy all day, and as soon as I stepped into the house, my son would pester me to play with him.
If I am very tired, I will say to him: Can you play with your father for a while first, and then you can play for a while on your own? My mother was a little tired after being busy for a day, so she had the energy to play with you after a while.
My son could roughly understand it. After I finished speaking, he went to see his father obediently.
After years of being a mother, I have experienced many collapses and then I figured it out:
Even if my child and I are independent, even if the blood is thicker than water, they are two independent people. He doesn’t need me to hold a heart all the time, and I also need to have my own life.
I can relax my mind, reveal my true feelings in front of my children, and express my feelings, so that my children can know that their mother is fragile.
Instead of being strong on the surface, it is better to put down the heart that is being held. Only by first learning to accept our emotions and feelings can we accept our children with extra "containers".
Of course, just letting the child play by himself does not necessarily listen. We must also provide a suitable environment for children to explore in order to truly reduce the burden of raising children.
There is a word in psychology called "prepared environment", which means that in this place, children can complete some things independently and parents can let go appropriately.
My suggestion is to leave an independent area for your children in a corner of your home, such as reading area, handicraft area, or playground area.
does not require all of them, nor does it require a large area of . The important thing is to provide the child with an exclusive space that is not disturbed, so that the child can immerse himself in it.
With such a small space, the child is happy and we can take a breath.
Just last month, my best friend set up a mini tent for her daughter at home, decorated it in it, and put some toys and books on it. She said that her daughter could play in it for a day, and her old mother finally got free to have a cup of coffee.
✨ also requires skills to communicate with your husband
Carrying a baby is a huge and tedious project. Mom will be very tired after carrying it on one shoulder.
The problem is that people are not willing to take it, and accusations and yelling will make him more disgusted. What to do if
?
Maybe you can try "giraffe-style communication".
Giraffe thinking originated from Marshall Luxembourg 's book " Nonviolent Communication ". Giraffe is characterized by high, slow reaction and big heart. Standing high and looking far, never feeling that anything will hurt you, and not being petty about the small things in front of you.
Fan Deng was inspired by this and proposed communication keywords: feelings, needs and requests.
Feelings: Reject emotionality and express feelings directly;
Needs: Reject complaining and tell what you want to do with the other person.
Request: Concretize and quantify the requirements, and give clear instructions.
For example, you want him to help you collect your clothes. Don’t say: Can you take away your clothes?
This accusing expression will cause the other party to resist
It can be said: Husband, I am a little tired now, please take back the clothes dried on the balcony and hang them in the closet.
You want him to take care of the baby. Don’t say: Just know how to play, can’t you take care of your kids for a while?
can be said: I am very tired after taking care of my child for a long time. Can you play with him for a while and give me a rest?
In addition to language art, you must also learn to "delegate power".
Because of the strong sense of responsibility, many mothers like to control the initiative in raising children. From what the baby eats and wears clothes to what school to choose, they have to make their own decisions before they can rest assured, so it is inevitable that they are particularly tired.
However, the more proactive and skillful you are, the more likely you will be to spoil men as "hands-off bosses".
You think, if you don’t let him take care of his children, he will never learn it, and he will not be able to feel your difficulties.
Therefore, I advise moms not to be too diligent and to give the right to choose to their father appropriately in order to cultivate their initiative.
For example, clothes can be bought by the child’s father. If he asks you, you can teach him some experience. Once or twice, I will learn it slowly.
Furthermore, the child is at the age of going to kindergarten. You can ask: The baby is going to kindergarten. How should I choose? I am getting too big.
, then he will give his own understanding, and you will follow the trend: Can you please compare which one is better? Choose a few.
Note that since power is delegated, you will "do not doubt the employment of people". Only when he knows that you trust him in parenting will he become positive from the bottom of his heart.
Only by bringing teammates on the way can we truly take care of our children easily.
at the end:
Taiwanese psychology doctor Hong Lan Ms. Hong Lan said: Mother is the soul of the family, the mother is happy, the whole family is anxious, the mother is anxious.
However, many mothers take on everything and just want to get an understanding.
That's it, it's just a luxury.
So, I have always advised mothers that it is most important to be in a happy mood.
Let go if you should. Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t want to do.
You don’t need to carry the burden forward. You should know that compared to the so-called balance of career and family, your happiness is the most important.
After becoming a mother, you don’t have to hurry to rush to enjoy the scenery on the road.
forward it, I hope every mother can find her own rhythm and become a better self.
