"I don't know how to get along with myself"
"I saw others so outstanding, and I started to feel uneasy again"
"I feel slim about the future and feel that I have no plans"
"I hope I like myself soon, and become better, and become more mature, reliable and rational."
I sent a solicitation to collect the most troublesome problems that everyone wants to solve during the growth process. The message that was pushed to the highest and most likes was the one above. What have you seen? Maybe I saw myself.
01
I have a visitor who is very excellent, but she is full of the above problems.
I have met so many people, just like my visitors, no matter how outstanding I am, I am still filled with such voices in my heart.
What kind of sound is this?
negative voice.
An absolute negative almost swallows up all the positive sounds .
In life, there must be both positive and negative.
During the whole day when we open our eyes and close our eyes, we may have to come into contact with hundreds of things. Some of these things will accumulate positive experiences, while others will bring negative experiences and cause negative emotions.
But why are we prone to becoming a person devoured by negative consequences?
Because a mindset determines that when we encounter negative things, we only see negative things.
enlarges it.
and stare at it.
then automatically ignores all positive experiences.
And we will also have a feeling that I am the only one who is like this, I am the worst.
Others do better than me.
"I don't know how to get along with myself"
" Do you think others know how to get along with me? Others like to enjoy their life? Not like this"
" Seeing others being so outstanding, I start to feel uneasy again"
" Most of the people you see are actually the same as you, and they don't think they are excellent. Their inner thoughts are the same as you, and they think others are excellent. For example, those who are successful than you may envy you for your youth, and those who have more relationships may envy you for having no relationships and don't have to be responsible for others"
" I feel slim about the future and feel that I have no plans"
" Feeling slim about the future is actually a very normal inner feeling. Because the future is uncertain, but we are indeed small. Most people do not have special plans for themselves. Even if they have plans, it does not mean that the future can be achieved, because 's future is the impermanent . "
" I hope you like yourself soon, and become better, and become more mature, reliable and rational"
" I still have to say that most people are actually the same as you think. I hope you will become better. Because many people will stare at what you are not doing well like you. We do not like ourselves because we are better, and we like that we do not need conditions. The biggest test of liking ourselves is the present. If you don't like yourself now, you will never like yourself."
The content I wrote above is not a formal Q&A, nor a consultation.
What I want to express is:
1. Every question is negative thinking, and this negative is the "specialization" of itself - the questioner sets the premise that "everyone else is doing better than me, without this trouble", and feels that only I am the worst - this is also a special, worst special.
2. Behind every question, there is a "should" ruler. questioner has set the standards of life "should be planned", "I should be mature, reliable and rational", "I should be excellent", and "I should know how to get along with myself".
The former uses "negative specialization" to put yourself in a 0-point state of "better than others".
The latter uses various "should rulers" to ask yourself to achieve a 100-point state.
If I am either so good or so bad.
When I am good, I feel that I am the best in the world. When I fall into self-doubt, I feel that I am the worst in the world. Everyone I see is better than me.
This kind of thinking is a paranoid and extreme thinking.
Baby-like thinking.
But the reality is that each of us is actually ordinary people, and we will not be very good or bad.
each has its own problems, shortcomings, and problems that cannot be solved.
You will have your problems, others will also have them.
What is growth?
Growing up is realizing that I am the same as others.
Realizes that my excellence is not that unique, and realizes that my troubles are actually very ordinary, I won’t be extremely bad at , and I won’t be extremely good at .
Well, yes, it's what I often say, I won't be 0 points, nor will I have 100 points.
2
Many people actually find it difficult to stay in the middle of this "ordinary" position.
Freud believes that human beings’ ultimate anxiety is death.
Jeng believes that realizing that one is an ordinary person means that the personality that one represents is becoming more complete.
combines two views, I think it can be said that, why do we always switch between 0 and 100 like babies?
Because a person defines himself as the worst, it is also a special thing.
and what is particularly brought about is "not going to die".
special feeling makes us feel that we can defeat death.
Fantasy of yourself is special, this is our instinctive way to deal with death anxiety.
And of course, we must fully cooperate with this special feeling for our own standards and thinking patterns.
So, we set a set of perfect standards for ourselves that are almost God-deep. Deep down in our hearts, the perfect standards of will help us face death anxiety - you are particularly because of perfection.
. If you want to live in my fantasy that is special enough, then accordingly, my requirements for myself are impossible to cut to the intermediate state of 0-100 points. I must meet the 100-point standard. If I cannot reach it, I will experience a kind of death-like fear - if I am not special enough, I will disappear .
Only one extremely good student who thinks he should take 100 points every time will feel that the sky is falling because he takes 80 points in the exam. Those who feel that they are wandering between 50 and 70 will not feel "I'm very bad" when they get a 60-point test paper.
So why does a person feel that he is extremely bad, full of negative thinking, and full of inferiority complex that others are good, and that I am the only one who is very bad?
Because he has subconsciously defined his own standards, which is an ideal extreme eugenic. This idealization of
makes him feel special. He cannot accept it easily, and accepting himself is also a person who can score 60 points.
, then you will become an ordinary person.
Therefore, immersing in a strong denial of oneself is consistent with maintaining the ideal perfect standard for oneself.
If a person wants to change his denial and blame himself, he needs to be able to become an ordinary person.
means, as Jung said, the integrity of personality.
3
But everyone has also seen it. It turns out that the premise of accepting that we are an ordinary person is that we are no longer so afraid of death anxiety.
In our daily life, we will not always realize the fear of death in our minds,
We will pursue a sense of existence and defend against the feeling of disappearance.
I am afraid that I will be like everyone else.
This is why many people will always start to think about the meaning of living, the value of their existence in the world, and other propositions after being frustrated (the fantasy of omnipotence is broken).
Because we are no longer an excellent and necessary existence.
So how can we escape the sense of nothingness that will eventually disappear?
We must try our best to find presence .
So, I must say that if you are lucky, your parents have accepted that you are an ordinary person and can live happily, that is, your parents have got rid of the anxiety of death, integrated, and their personality is mature and complete.
Then in this way, you can naturally accept that you are an ordinary person.
If you are lucky, not the most perfect, and are still loved and accepted by your parents, then you can accept that you are an imperfect ordinary person with peace of mind.
You have found a safe and stable presence in the love of your parents, which can help you fight the ultimate anxiety of death.
That is to say, if you are lucky enough, then you don’t have to make yourself perfect, and you don’t have to set the ruler you should do. You can get five or sixty points safely. You don’t need to be particularly outstanding, and of course you won’t fall into special self-blame because of your lack of excellence.
However, there are very few native families, and parents.
The reality is that your parents' original family is worse than you, they are even scarce than you, and they are even weaker than you, so they have been living in the extreme fantasy of baby-like omnipotent narcissism, and they have always projected this fantasy to you - you are the best child, otherwise, you will be an extremely bad child in my eyes.
If your parents think that they are perfect at the level of fantasy (in fact, their personality has not yet developed to be integrated into ordinary people), then if such parents give birth to children, they will naturally only see and recognize the existence of that perfect and excellent child, and it is impossible to accept the truth of the child (imperfect and ordinary).
Because this will lead to the shattering of parents' omnipotent narcissistic fantasy.
Also, the above are all subconscious decisions.
You have to change them and let them accept that you are an ordinary child. It is good to accept that you cannot do this. You no longer project those narcissistic fantasies to you and increase your inner burden. The premise is that their personality can still break through the solidified model in their later years and develop to the point where they can accept that they are an ordinary person, and their personality has completed the integration that they have not achieved for most of their lives. This is too difficult. This is probably impossible.
4
But, you are lucky than them.
You are reading such an article. If you can ask such a question, it means you are thinking.
You have thoughts. When you treat your children, you will try to doubt yourself and whether you are doing it right.
Am I projecting my narcissistic fantasy to my child? I can still accept that I am an ordinary person, so I raised an ordinary child.
Then the process of your child growing up will have mature parents with personality integration.
Then your child will not ask such questions again in the future as yours.
He will like the ordinary five or sixty-tenths of himself, and he will naturally accept himself.
Then three generations of people have achieved growth.
View growth with a generational thought. Your troubles are so strong at this moment, which is an important leap forward for generations to grow forward.
Just as I said to the client in the consultation, when she cried, collapsed, scolded her original family, faced the lack of her parents and hated them, I would say,
, but if you can see all this, it is already a huge span of .
Because you see all this, you can be aware of the things between you and your children. You have made too much progress than your mother, and then your children can get more love and good care than you.
to the third and fourth generations, this trauma slowly recedes, and the personality continues to develop, and what you are doing at this moment is an important part of it.
If we compare, we will never be able to achieve a very perfection that is nearly God.
But you can also see the meaning of the present from the conversation between me and the visitor above.
This moment makes you feel very hard and bad. It is a link to the growth of a mature and powerful personality, and it is the only way.
You are reading these words, making your struggles and efforts, you are in pain, asking questions, and then thinking, and you will get closer and closer to the truth.
You may not have a good native family, but most people do. This is not just your homework, it is the homework that most people have to do.
strives to become a new original family on the road to rebirth and be your own parents. A parent who accepts himself as an ordinary person will definitely love an ordinary child. ——What is important in is not that we want to be better, but how we view the current situation.
