Have you ever been bullied? The kind that doesn't bleed but dies.
don’t have to rush to give the answer.
Recently I watched a movie called "Our World" and I have a different understanding of the word "bullying".
movie heroine is Li Shan, with a bland personality and a dull personality like her name. Her mother runs a snack bar and her father works in a bad-hearted factory. She lives a hard and even has difficulty in spending money.
starts with the children playing the "dodgeball" game in physical education class. Li Shanqiang pretends to smile, embarrassed and polite, and secretly expects that some classmates can "claim" themselves into their team.
In the end, Li Shan was finally included in the team and stood at the outermost point and moved passively with the team. But not long after, he was falsely accused of crossing the line and committing a foul. He was sent off the field and stood on the edge and was at a loss.
"dispensable", "transparent"... words like this may be a bit cruel, and are indeed a true portrayal of Xiaoshan's campus life.
In daily life, the popular girls in the class are best at capturing Li Shan's weakness. On the birthday party, she tricked Li Shan into helping her dock on the condition of "allowing to attend the party", but deliberately left the wrong party address;
A group of girls gathered together to chat. If Xiaoshan wants to join, everyone will suddenly remain silent in tacit understanding, wink each other, leaving Xiaoshan to digest the embarrassment alone;
When passing by Xiaoshan, she will even deliberately say loudly: "Did you smell any strange smell?" Xiaoshan is like a child in every class, the "unsociable" child in the eyes of others.
However, life will not always be so hard, and I will always give some sweetness from time to time.
During the summer vacation, by chance, Xiaoshan met the new transfer student Zhiya. Xiaoshan was enthusiastic and kind, Zhiya was cheerful and generous. The two soon said everything and wore the same bracelet that symbolized friendship.
Xiaoshan helped Zhiya dye her fingers with impatiens flowers. Zhiya stole the colorful pencils that Xiaoshan had coveted for a long time from the stationery store. The two lay on the floor, leaning their heads and whispering... Friendship continues to heat up in the trivialities of daily life.
Ka happiness didn't last long, and friendship soon showed cracks after school started.
Zhiya sensed the subtle relationship between Xiaoshan and other classmates, and felt the thick barrier between her and the small group of girls. She gradually no longer wanted to get close to Xiaoshan, and chose to join the small group, and exchanged the girls' recognition by mocking Xiaoshan for his poverty and shabbyness.
Xiaoshan is not satisfied. Did he really do something wrong? She tried hard to figure out the answer.
While looking for the answer, I found that the "mother working in the UK" that Zhiya said was proud of was all made up. My mother had not contacted her for a long time. My father found a young and beautiful stepmother, and occasionally came to my grandma's house to see Zhiya once.
Before transferring to school, Zhiya also suffered from long-term isolation and exclusion because her parents divorced...
The child who was once isolated did not want to fall into darkness again, finally chose to stand opposite and began to isolate others. At the end of the movie, Ji Ya's lies were exposed and she became a bully again, but she still failed to get the friendship she wanted.
The plot is not complicated, but it shows the secret and entangled friendship between children in detail, revealing the hidden harm that is often overlooked by people -
Not all bullying requires a big fight, a look, a sentence, a push, and a bloodless war happens all the time. They are so hidden that you can't even tell who is the victim and who is the perpetrator, but the trauma remains solidly and takes root.
so, let’s talk about “hidden bullying” today, how did it happen? What kind of harm will it bring? How should people who have experienced these grow up well?
The hidden underground war of girls
More than a female friend around me told me that when she looked back on her student career, she still felt cold behind her back when she thought of those gray days, and hated that she was not a boy. She didn’t have the courage to pull the other party out and fight—
They walked up to me and B and said in front of me that if I pay attention to me, I will stop talking to her.
The bell for the get out of class is like bad news. They walked out in groups, and I left it alone until the end.
still can't forget their eyes. They looked at me with the light of their eyes, and then put together to cover their faces and talk about something.
The details are subtle, and they even find it difficult to speak. It seems that if they say something more, they will be labeled as "thinking too much".
Compared with the way boys "fight", wars between girls often do not resort to violence, but are hidden in difficult-to-describe details. They seem to be born to know how to use words and tricks to achieve the effect of equivalent bleeding.
If you were asked to use 10 words to describe female friendship, what would you choose? Perhaps it won't take long to see words like "plastic sisters", "intrigue" and "palace fight" unconsciously appear in your mind.
Is this really caused by natural gender?
doesn't seem to be.
Due to the influence of cultural and social expectations, men and women have two completely different attitudes in expressing aggressiveness:
Boys are more willing to show their tough side, because of their domineering, strong, bravery and other qualities that make them more popular among the group.
And a good girl will be considered to be gentle, kind and friendly, and these traits are even placed before vitality, intelligence and creativity.
Therefore, we are secretly accustomed to the agreement that a good girl needs to be restrained and should not express anger, otherwise she will become a shrew from a lady.
It can be seen that the special and complex friendship between girls is the result of the joint action of society and self-expectation.
Psychological research has found that women pay more attention to the maintenance of relationships and emotions, which also means that they are more sensitive to the breakdown of relationships. Once abandoned by the group, it is undoubtedly an overwhelming disaster -
Because of fear of loneliness, girls will hold on to their friends in their lives on campus, just like catching a lifeboat, which can also explain why girls on campus always come in groups.
Cultural rules do not allow girls to release their aggression, which does not mean that the aggression will naturally dissipate. The girls gradually learned to find another way, express their anger in non-traditional ways, and develop a set of internal language to turn into a hidden attack like "underground war".
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Through research, the psychology research team at the University of Minnesota summarized the three most common methods of stealth attacks:
1. Relational attack:
refers to social rejection through body language, facial expressions, etc., thereby achieving the purpose of destroying other people's relationships.
2. Indirect attack:
uses other people as a tool to make the target of attack suffer, such as spreading rumors.
3. Social attack:
damages the self-esteem or social status of the attack target in a certain circle, which also includes some indirect attack behaviors, such as spreading rumors or social exclusion.
These three attack methods usually appear with each other, just like the movie:
Xiaoshan is eager to repair friendship, and Jiya chooses to show indifference and disdain;
After being discovered by sisters, Jiya immediately pushed the food to the ground and distanced herself from Xiaoshan.
spread the rumors that "Xiaoshan has a drunkard father" in the small circle, and instigated other students to write rumors all over the blackboard.
The bullies are drawn from bullying and strengthen the feeling of holding power.
These catharsis of negative emotions on specific objects has given birth to a unique friendship between girls.
In the corridors between classes, on the playgrounds for physical education classes, and in the cafeteria, in these occasions, excluding others can make girls feel safe and understand that they are not the ones who are left behind.
Just like the joke says, "The friendship between girls begins with hating the same person."
Who is the selected child
There is a very meaningful topic on Douban, called "We used to be bullies". Unexpectedly, in addition to the "confession" of the former bullies, many of them are the anger of the bullies and the disdain for the apology.
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About the firmness and disgust of the tone, the deeper the pain in the heart.
Bullyers may not have thought that language and body movements will penetrate deeply into other people's bodies like a barb.
When the injured person enters a relationship again, the pain of being isolated will be constantly ruminated in the subconscious. So in order to avoid the tragedy repeating, they are willing to sacrifice their own thoughts and feelings to please and obey others.
This is also the reason why some women pay too much attention to interpersonal relationships in the workplace and do not receive respect.
However, there are also a few people in the topic, who do sincerely apologize for their past behavior, saying that after getting in-depth contact with the bullies, they realized how ridiculous the fabricated rumors and one-sided impressions were.
When the symbol of "cowardly, introverted, timid" becomes a living person in front of you, guilt will also arise.
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The desire for group recognition blinds the rational judgment they should have, and magnifies the originally slight dissatisfaction or even insensation at an exponential ratio.
As social psychologist Gustav Le Pen mentioned in his "The Moon": the emotions expressed by the group, whether good or bad, have the dual characteristics of extreme simplification and exaggeration. "The people in the group are very close to primitive people", and people tend to actively ignore differences and look at things in a general way.
This reminds me of the recent controversial incident, "Shanghai girl rewarded a deliveryman with 200 yuan and was killed by the Internet" -
During the epidemic, Shanghai was short of supplies. The girl asked a delivery guy to deliver food to her elderly father far away in Qingpu. Unexpectedly, many roads were blocked and prohibited from passing. The guy rode an electric bike to find ways. It took a full 4 hours to complete the 27-kilometer journey, but finally let the old man have a meal late at night.
This incident is a good thing. The young man who loves his job and works hard saves the hungry old man. In order to express his gratitude to him, the girl charged him 200 yuan in phone bills and posted online to praise the boy's hard work.
But some netizens couldn't stand it anymore, leaving messages to curse the girl's stingy "Is it a beggar for 200 yuan?", "Is kind and so cheap?", "Is this bullying honest people!"........ All kinds of remarks are overwhelming, and this small matter is directly raised to the humiliation of the moral level.
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In the end, the girl couldn't stand the Internet violence and chose to jump off the building to end her life.
follow-up reports pointed out that the girl still has a poor family background, and she explained on the Internet many times that she has been unemployed for a long time due to her child, and she has just found a job and has not received her salary.
Even the takeaway guy himself stood up and said, "I was so sad that I couldn't sleep when I saw her being raped online."
But some netizens' reluctance to forgive me has turned the original good things into tragedy.
This shows that the group's malicious intentions are blind and lack rationality. Once emotions are incited, they will no longer doubt or hesitate. They will either be black or white, either good or evil, and even black or white are all targets of attack.
The evil of the group is more likely to arouse individual's anxiety and self-doubt, just like girls who are raped by the Internet and female students who are bullied. They will actively explain at the beginning and seek help, but in the end they fall into endless despair.
In addition, in addition to the bullying behavior itself, many people are even more puzzled by why they bully? Why choose someone as the target of bullying?
It is sad that sometimes it is because the bullies are cowardly, introverted, poor, and have poor grades. But more often, the bullies themselves cannot give a definite answer - it is fake to hate, and it is true to want to release aggressiveness, gain a sense of existence and self-satisfaction.
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All maliciousness against a person can come from a simple "sense of accomplishment", and stopping maliciousness is just because of "being taught a lesson".
So, if you feel bullied, please stop reflecting yourself immediately, because you are the victim. How to effectively help and save yourself?
In "Girls' Underground War", Simmons found in an interview that many children are unwilling to tell their parents about the bullying incidents they have suffered.
Because they feel: "Parents always want you to be friends with everyone", "will think it's my fault", "they will say, I have said that I don't like your friend."
After being isolated or excluded, the children had no choice but to bury the problem in their hearts with deep sense of shame and ununderstood worries. They could only think over and over again if they had done something wrong, and became more cautious and cringed in their later social interactions.
At this time, if the people around you can actively express their understanding of the "hidden attack culture" and let them realize that their difficulties are seen, they will feel a great sense of security.
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If you are a teacher or parent, or a friend of a bully, you can try this:
1. Express empathy
Empathy is what people most desire when they are trapped in the social quagmire.
Many parents have realized that they should maintain empathy, but when they put it into words, they will become: "I know, I have experienced it when I was a child. You may be too sensitive and you will get better when you grow up." Such words. This rejection-type enlightenment of
directly denies the rationality of the child's emotions. It not only does not help, but also makes the child even more helpless.
Parents need to slow down, acknowledge and think about their children's feelings, listen patiently, and give feedback like this:
"I will feel very sad if I change to me."
"It sounds so wronged, I feel sad for you."
"It sounds like you are very sad now, understandable."
maintain empathy, not to say that you should be sad, angry, and fall into negative emotions with your children, but to tell ta:
I am a mother/father, I am willing to listen to you vent my emotions. I can't use a fire extinguisher to put out the fire for you, but it is always your most solid backing, and the shoulders you can rely on.
2. Give up inappropriate comfort
How would you comfort a family member or companion who cried because of an invisible attack?
The elders of the past would probably say "Just be strong" or "I experienced these things when I was a child." These words seemed to be out of comfort, but they could not really work.
"Almost everyone will experience these" may be true, but saying this will not make the bullies feel relieved. Instead, you will feel that the unprecedented pain you have experienced is regarded as worthless.
When you are in pain, no one likes others to pretend to empathize, so don’t just say “I understand you”. You need to affirm their feelings, and even tell them your past experiences so that they can understand that you are not fighting alone.
You can try to ask questions to help them alienate their perception of negative friendship, for example:
- What kind of good friends do you want? Is this the person like this?
- Since he makes you so uncomfortable, why do you still choose to stay by his side?
- What do you feel when you are attacked, and what kind of person is she in your eyes at this time?
3. Cultivate the ability to recover quickly
psychologist Madeline Levine said in his book "The Wealth that Gives Children Money to Buy", that if parents deprive teenagers of their chance to recover, it will be difficult for children to deal with the challenges of adolescence. These teenagers will experience obvious symptoms of anxiety and depression and are more likely to engage in self-harm behaviors, such as drug use and self-harm.
Like learning ability, the ability to deal with relationships also needs to be learned slowly. Give children enough time and opportunities to try to solve problems on their own, guide them to give solutions and reasons, which can help them gain strong self-restoration ability.
is written at the end:
Maybe you have encountered bullying or are experiencing bullying. I hope you understand that if you feel isolated and excluded, don’t be busy scrutinizing yourself, because bullying really doesn’t require sufficient reasons.
You have a choice and express your dissatisfaction in a head-on way. This is not shameful. On the contrary, blindly pleasing or compromise will only make yourself more despised.
Friendship is a choice, not a mandatory one. No one can make everyone like it, and there is no way to socialize everyone.
Girls’ friendship is indeed complex, but at the same time it is close, close and soft. No one can define what a girl should look like. You can express your dissatisfaction frankly and bluntly without having to live like a disciplined person.
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Author: Qingyun
Image source: Pexels
First release: Yidianling Psychology (yidianling0)
Focus on psychological growth, love you warmly and forcefully
Focus on psychological growth and love you warmly and forcefully
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