Text丨Qingxin Junyue
Shi Pingmei, whose original name is Rubi, is a famous female writer during the May Fourth Movement. She, along with Zhang Ailing, Xiao Hong , Lu Bicheng , were known as The Four Talented Women of the Republic of China .
Her emotional journey is as cold and sad as the style of most of her works. initially met a bad person, but he dared not accompany him when he met a good person. became emotional regret and regret in life.
Gorky said: "A person's life is very short, and short years require us to understand the process of life." Love, as an important part of life, is more worthy of our "understanding". If we can see through it, the ending will often be very different.
Looking at the progress of Shi Pingmei’s life, the most worthy of our deep thought may be the word [Cherish].
Socrates once said: "The most precious thing in the world is not 'not getting' and 'losing', but the happiness that can be grasped now." In fact, it is not scary to encounter unfortunate love, but the terrible thing is as Plato said "persisted in what we shouldn't have to stick to" regret .
Put down the unbearable past and live every day in front of you well. Isn’t it a kind of cherishment?
1902, Shi Pingmei was born in , Pingding County, Shanxi Province. Her father Shi Ming was a juren in the late Qing Dynasty. She was born in a scholarly family. She was smart and studious since childhood, and loved to read and practice calligraphy.
1911, after the Revolution of 1911, her father went to Taiyuan Provincial Library to work. She went with her father and studied at the Taiyuan Normal University Affiliated Primary School.
1919, Shi Pingmei was admitted to the Beijing Women's Normal School with excellent results (renamed Beijing Women's Higher Normal School in 1925, and is also one of the predecessors of Beijing Normal University ). She originally wanted to apply for the Chinese Department of the school, but because the Chinese Department did not recruit students at that time, she had no choice but to apply to the Sports Department.
During her study at Beiping , she met two most important men in her life, one was Wu Tianfang and the other was Gao Junyu .
She and Wu Tianfang got to know each other first, and the two of them were envious from acquaintance to love each other. Shi Pingmei, who is in love, places all the beauty in it.
When she was in love with Wu Tianfang, at a Shanxi hometown meeting, she met Gao Junyu, a celebrity who "beats Zhang Zongxiang and burns Zhaojialou". At that time, Gao Junyu was one of the heads of the student union of Peking University during the May Fourth Movement. During the party conversation, he learned that Gao Junyu was a student of her father when he was young. This relationship made the two quickly become friends who often communicated with letters.
In the relationship, Gao Junyu gradually fell in love with this talented fellow villager Shi Pingmei, but she was in love at the time. The rational Gao Junyu forced himself to suppress his inner emotions and turned his admiration into a silent blessing to wish her happiness.
The middle of the picture is Gao Junyu
Shi Pingmei, who was in love, did not notice the changes in Gao Junyu's emotions, and was addicted to the perfect love with Wu Tianfang. Unfortunately, this perfect love is not real, just as Balzac said: "In fact, pretending love is more perfect than real love, which is why many women are deceived."
Shi Pingmei is one of the deceived women. Later, she accidentally discovered that Wu Tianfang, the person she loved deeply, had a family long ago. After learning this fact, Shi Pingmei was heartbroken and cut off contact with him despite Wu Tianfang's bitter begging.
This time the blow was a huge harm to Shi Pingmei. Although she cut off her contact with Wu Tianfang, she also completely frozen her heart, held her single life and was unwilling to touch love again.
I have to say that this is the most irrational way to face the failure of love.
Nowadays, many people are easily trapped in two situations after experiencing failed love:
One is to trap themselves in memories.
The second is to close your heart.
In fact, both of these practices belong to your own actions to kill the road to happiness with one's own hands.After the failure of love, whether it is "hidden in memory" or "closing the heart" is "persistence and should not be persisted", which is easy to ignore the happiness within reach around you.
You must know that the reason why the past becomes the past must have certain reasons. It is not cost-effective to pay for memories with your whole life.
can’t let go of the past, isn’t it just that I punish myself with other people’s mistakes? Facing the past, we should be as optimistic and positive as in Pushkin’s poem: "Don’t be sad, don’t be impatient, you need to be calm in melancholy days, believe that happy days will come." Happiness never abandons a positive and optimistic person, don’t trap yourself in the past, Wu Danru also mentioned this: "Sighing and chasing the past is a pity for the future. It’s better to look forward, don’t chew the desolation."
The rational approach should be like Zhang Youyi . After divorced Xu Zhimo, he chose to let go of the past, face life actively, and finally gain the happiness he wanted with his own efforts.
Shi Pingmei wrote in "A Red Leaf": "On the night of October 26, 1923, I received a letter from Tianxin (Gao Junyu's pseudonym) 'A Red Leaf'. The leaves said 'The autumn scenery in the mountains cannot be stopped, and a red leaf sends lovesickness'." Shi Pingmei crushed this newly blooming bud with her hands for her own ambition. On the back of the red leaf, she wrote implicitly: "The withered flower basket dare not bear this bright red leaf."
Face your emotions and grasp the happiness in front of you is also a manifestation of cherishing.
After Shi Pingmei and Wu Tianfang broke off contact, she was in a sad state. In "Tired Youth", she wrote: "The entangled past, the unpredictable future? How can a heart find a peaceful place?" This is the most intuitive description of her mood during that period.
April 15, 1923, Shi Pingmei, who was unable to bear the sadness and urgently needed to relieve her sorrow, wrote a letter to Gao Junyu for help. In the letter, he mentioned that he was in a "indescribable sorrow". He hoped that Gao Junyu could tell her whereabouts in the future and hoped to discuss the path of life with him in order to seek "relief" strategies.
At this time, Gao Junyu was busy saving the country through revolution. After receiving a letter from Shi Pingmei, he didn't know what happened to her, so he replied to him with concern: "Why is sad... I feel that I can be relieved if I can help me, I am afraid I don't have such great power? We just communicate often."
Later, after learning about her experience, Gao Junyu was very worried about her condition and kept writing letters to inspire her optimistic life, hoping to use her warmth to heal the wounds in her heart.
Gao Junyu and Shi Pingmei
During this period, she died of a sadness due to a childhood friend's death. During that time, Gao Junyu took care of her whenever she had time. Later, Shi Pingmei wrote in "Storm Night":
"In those days when I was seriously ill, I asked for medicine for my eyes three times a day; there were several times when it was late at night Tian Xin ran to the far street to prescribe medicine for me... I woke up and opened my eyes. Tian Xin knelt in front of my bed, holding my hands with both hands, and hanging his head on the edge of the bed; I only saw his scattered hair, and I felt that his tears wet the back of my hand."
However, Gao Junyu's sincerity did not melt her frozen heart, but released the emotions he had suppressed in one go.
He confessed to her with a red leaf, but she refused with the same red leaf.
At this time, Shi Pingmei had feelings for Gao Junyu?
In fact, there is emotion. In "A Red Leaf", Shi Pingmei recorded the psychological changes after receiving Gao Junyu's confession to the red leaf. From this, it can be seen that there are two reasons for her rejection:
1. Su Zhi, who wants to be "single".
Second, she didn't have a heart to give him. The reasons for rejecting these two points of
also revealed that Shi Pingmei has feelings for him, but she doesn't dare to face it and is not ready to accept it.
Not being prepared for acceptance means not getting out of the past, not daring to face means not letting go of yourself, nor looking directly at your emotions, and these are all manifestations of not cherishing your loneliness, even though you are defeated, Liu Tong wrote: "Only you can accept it", "Only letting go of the past and letting go of yourself," does not mean that you can let go of the past and letting go of yourself, and the acceptance after letting go means that you can only accept your emotions and accept new happiness after "let go". In fact, "let go" here is one of the ways to cherish it.
John Locke said: "There will not be a tomorrow for those who abandon today; and yesterday is just a flow of water." 's sentence agrees, and it is precisely because of this that Shi Pingmei's regrets in her life. There are many people who let go of yesterday and have happiness in the past. Zhang Ailing gave up Hu Lancheng because of cherishing, and Liao Cuifeng also gained a happy marriage because of cherishing.
At the end of 1923, after Shi Pingmei graduated, under the recommendation of principal Xu Shoushang, principal Lin Liru of the affiliated high school hired her as the school-level director and physical education teacher of the women's department. After being rejected by Shi Pingmei, Gao Junyu did not give up his love for her. Before that, he told her that he had an arranged marriage and was bound by his parents' orders in that era to resist, but there was no relationship between the two. In order to end the marriage that was in name only and to prove his sincerity to Shi Pingmei, he negotiated with his father-in-law many times in private and finally ended the 10-year old marriage in the fall of 1924 (in fact, at that time, Gao Junyu's arranged marriage wife Li Hanxin had long liked someone, but was forced to love each other by the old marriage).
Shi Pingmei recorded her reply after learning that Gao Junyu had ended the arranged marriage in 1924: "Be his only friend and be his only confidant, and be a comrade who spent his life in his career." At this time, she was still refusing, but her heart had begun to gradually unblock.
It is easy to become a regret if you don’t know how to cherish it. Only by cherishing it can you have happiness. is just like Li Gongjun said: "It is not that you will cherish it if you lose it, but that you will not lose it if you cherish it."
During that time, my friend Luyin once advised her, "You should use all your strength to catch it and tie it." However, Luyin's reminder, she did not really understand the meaning of it.
In September 1924, Gao Junyu went south to Guangzhou to serve as Sun Yat-sen's secretary to assist him in the northern expedition. On the way, he wrote a letter to Shi Pingmei. The content of this letter was recorded in the article "After the Dream Back to the Silent Lamp" written by Shi Pingmei:
"I have two worlds: in one world everything belongs to you, I am a prisoner who forever forbidden souls; in the other world, I do not belong to you, and I do not belong to myself, I am just a pawn in the mission of history... So I decided: What you wish, I will go through fire and water to seek it, yours will not be May I go through fire and water to stop it. If I can't do this, how can I say I love you! "
The words in the letter clearly convey Gao Junyu's sincere love for Shi Pingmei. He understands her rejection. He is willing to accept her rejection and is willing to suppress the emotions in his heart again for her. Perhaps this is true love, just as Leo Tolstoy said: "Real love can only be produced after giving up personal happiness."
But unfortunately, this true love has not been treated as Shi Pingmei deserves. , but what I have to say is that what is even more regretful is not Gao Junyu's efforts, but Shi Pingmei's not cherishing, because she missed the greatest happiness.
October 1924, the Guangzhou Merchants Rebellion on the Double Tenth Festival, and the stray bullet pierced Gao Junyu's car. After he almost escaped, he bought two ivory rings, one in his hand, and the other was given to Shi Pingmei with the letter. Shi Pingmei recorded this letter written by Gao Junyu in the article "Ivory Ring":
"I took a bigger one in my hand, and I sent it to you a small one, I hope you will bear it. Maybe you can't bear it! Let it be like a red leaf. May we use "white" to commemorate this dead and quiet life like a dead bone. ”
At the end of 1924, Gao Junyu returned to Beijing to recuperate after overwork. During that time, Gao Junyu and Shi Pingmei went to Taoranting after the snow. In the article "I Only Bury the Desolate Hill", Shi Pingmei recorded the process at that time and the letter Gao Junyu wrote to her afterwards. Gao Junyu wrote the word "heart bead" (Shi Pingmei) in the snow. Shi Pingmei wanted to wipe it off. But in Gao Junyu's heart, these two words were his affection for her. However, she asked him to wipe it away, which was a sign of rejection in his understanding. Therefore, in the letter, it was written:
"Although you have never really slaughtered it, or no one will slaughter it; but after you asked me, I felt that the "heart bead" I wrote seemed to be in bloom, suddenly fell from the branches to the ground and immediately atrophy! "
At the same time, in Taoranting, he pointed to a piece of grass beside Ge Mu's tomb. In the future, he wanted to bury it there after his death, and sighed deeply: "I only bury the deserted hill alone. ”
1925, Gao Junyu died of severe bleeding after acute appendicitis surgery on March 5.
Shi Pingmei began to express her regret before Gao Junyu died and wanted to cherish the happiness in front of him. In the article "The Last Scene", Shi Pingmei recorded her last conversation with him.
She said to him:
"Xin, if you just bear my heart, now I will present my heart with both hands in front of you. I hope it will be nourished with your blood and irrigated with your tears. Xin, when you really love me, I know that you can fulfill my ideology, so I also wish you could sacrifice for me. "
He grabbed her hand and said excitedly:
"I don't want your mercy now. I just let you know that I love you the most in the world. As for me, I have loved you who I respected. Beads! Even after I die, I love you too, don’t worry! "
Shi Pingmei learned about Gao Junyu's death, and was heartbroken and fell into deep self-blame: "Why can't my tears save the dead bones in the tomb and recall the lost heroic souls? What is the use of these cowardly and ruthless tears? I really hate myself, I really curse myself. "
In pain, Shi Pingmei finally had a great enlightenment. She understood her heart. She knew that she had actually fallen in love with him for a long time, but she had been escaping and was unwilling to face her emotions.
But her enlightenment at this time was indeed too late. How could those regrets that were missed because they did not cherish them, so how could there be a chance to come again? As Hayao Miyazaki said: "People never know, after someone accidentally said goodbye to you, they really won't see you again. ” Love cannot withstand long delays and waits.
In 1982, when the "Shi Ping Mei Works Collection" compiled by later generations was published, Deng Yingchao wrote in the preface: "Comrade Enlai and I admire Comrade Gao Junyu and Ms. Shi Ping Mei very much, but they did not realize their wish to get married, but ended with the tragedy of Comrade Junyu's unfortunate death, and expressed deep sympathy. "
After Gao Junyu's death, Shi Pingmei obeyed his last wish and buried him on the grass in Taoranting. She personally wrote an elegy couplet: "The blue sea and blue sky are infinite roads, and I know when to meet you again. "
She completely transformed the sadness, regret, self-blame and the surging love at this time into the text in "Mercy by the Tomb":
"I love, I kissed the grass on the head of your tomb at sunset and dusk; I pray, it is an empty dream, and let me see your heroic soul again... If life is just an illusory dream shadow, then my lovely reflections are the whole life you gave to me..."
But how can these words recover the happiness you have missed.
Later Shi Pingmei wrote in "A Sweet Night":
"I had no hope for this world, and after Yu died, I dared not have any hope in the world. I only prayed to God to allow me to repent and repent for my mistakes until I died... Recently, my heart has become more and more silent, more and more empty, and more and more and more into my grave, and I am about to go to that desolate wilderness to accompany my love-sacrificing heaven! "
In September 1928, the word "love" is the most heart-wrenching, and long-term regret and self-blame. Shi Pingmei, who was only 26 years old, died of illness.
Shi Pingmei's death, her friends Lu Yin and Jing Qing buried her next to Gao Junyu's tombstone, fulfilling her "last wish" recorded in her diary: could not live in dependents during her lifetime, and hoped to be buried in the deserted hills after death!
Love is a beautiful thing in the world. The reason why it is accompanied by different "tastes" is entirely related to their own attitudes and choices. Don’t let encounters become regrets, don’t let this love become a memory, as Yu Dan said: "Real love is to cherish it when you can love."
Qing Xin Junyue, original headline author, and a well-known emotional blogger. Warm you with words, me.
(The circle card has been added here, please go to the Toutiao client to view)
