In life, we often hear parents say to their children: "Go home quickly, or mom will be angry!" "If you don't eat well, grandma will be angry!" and so on. Adults seem to think that as long as children realize that their parents are angry, they will become obedient.
In fact, parents who always say "I'm angry" to their children are trying to use their emotions to control their children, which can easily affect their children's mental health. Psychological research shows that children who are often angry before the age of 6 will develop a negative personality, have low self-esteem, introversion, and melancholy, and be afraid of getting along with others. Over time, in order not to make others angry, they will live for others. It became a reality that he had to accept.
Children like this will live a very tiring life when they grow up and will rarely be happy. On the one hand, he needs to deliberately please everyone around him to recognize his own value. On the other hand, his own needs are also about to arise, which can easily lead him to fall into a contradictory situation. If he doesn't cater to others, he will feel bad about himself and have a sense of guilt and panic, just like when he made his mother and grandma angry.
01,
Educator Suhomlinsky said that family education is the first chapter of education, and in the family, parents are the most meticulous and talented sculptors.
Society's tolerance for "naughty children" is getting lower and lower, and parents are gearing up at the starting line, eager to carve their children into well-behaved and sensible little adults.
But sometimes, behind a child's well-behaved and sensible nature, there is still a wrong value orientation.
Some time ago, Weibo netizen Tulong Yanzhijing recounted an experience he had on the high-speed train:
On the high-speed train, a child of about 6 years old always kicked the chair in front of him with his feet. The blogger turned around and said to the child's mother. , could you please ask your child to stop kicking my chair?
His mother said: "Stop kicking, Auntie is angry."
Weibo screenshot. The children were obedient and immediately stopped making trouble.
The blogger said that under this kind of education, children have no chance to establish their own sense of right and wrong. In addition, parents’ lessons always point the finger at others, so children naturally learn to use their abilities. He relies on others to rely on others, including his parents who taught him to do so.
Many parents expressed their sympathy in the comment area: The parents' attitude towards others and their level of outlook on life are invisible and passed on to their offspring. So before becoming a parent, please be yourself.
However, some parents believe that it is not easy to take care of children. Now that the children have calmed down, the purpose of discipline has been completed.
But in fact, blaming others is itself a lazy and irresponsible education.
02,
still remember that when the first season of "Where Are We Going, Dad" was launched, five father-son/daughter pairs had just joined the group. The children could not adapt to the simple rural environment and cried and made trouble.
When other fathers patiently comforted and explained to their children, Tian Liang’s first action was to walk out with Sendisi in his arms:
“Are you here to cry during the performance?”
“My younger brothers and sisters are not crying, you Still making trouble"
"Can you please stop crying?"
Faced with the child's uneasiness, Tian Liang first showed a helpless and impatient attitude. He only wanted to stop the child from crying quickly, but did not want to tell the child "Why Don’t cry”, instead of trying to understand the child’s thoughts and communicate with her well.
Not only are celebrities who are busy with work, spend less time and stay apart more often, but they lack the necessary understanding of children. Even ordinary families who live together day and night are often filled with such "begin with the end in mind" and result-oriented education.
"Look, the other children are not crying, so you can't cry either."
"Mom will be angry if you keep doing this."
"It's all the nurse's fault. It hurt my baby! Hit her. Hit her."
Moral rules are concretized and expressed in “other people’s evaluations.” This method has been tried and tested in young children who lack understanding ability.
Parents always feel that their children have not grown up yet, but in fact, the brains of young children develop much faster than imagined.
Brain science related research shows that children aged 3-7 years old have gradually formed their understanding ability and can clearly grasp the concepts of right and wrong.
Children's understanding of the world begins with their parents.
The first thing he knows is how his mother talks to him and how his father treats his mother. From this came the original concepts and understandings of good and evil.
At the same time, children's brains are not that bright. They only have a simple stress response function and can only remember directly derived conclusions.
If you tell a child, "Mom will get angry if you keep making noises," the child will directly conclude that "if mom is not angry, it doesn't matter if I make noises," and will not realize, "What I did was wrong."
Unfortunately, many parents, in order to "save trouble", ostensibly raise obedient children, but in fact intentionally or unintentionally skip the real value formation process.
03,
When I was a child, my mother would often scare me. If I didn’t obey, the police would come and arrest me.
It just so happens that I have an uncle who is really a policeman. Every time he comes to my house as a guest, I always behave very well, because I always think of him wearing a uniform and arresting me.
For a time, I was very afraid of relatives visiting my home.
Later, when I grew up and went online, I realized that this kind of intimidation is common in the world of children, and there are different professional versions:
If you don't obey, the doctor will come and give you an injection.
If you don’t obey me again, you will go sweep the streets.
...
Not to mention that such intimidation is offensive to the profession itself, not to mention that it will make children distrust the police and hospitals when they need help. Just this kind of attribution to itself is also very problematic. The problem.
"Uncle police will take you away" is to take advantage of the child's fear of strangers; "Stop it, you see the aunt in front is angry" is to take advantage of the child's avoidance of negative evaluation.
are actually borrowing the authority of others to establish moral standards for their children.
In the young minds of young children, they are still full of confusion about what should and should not be done.
Wrong attribution not only fails to help understanding, but also easily causes children to develop extreme personalities:
One extreme is worrying about gains and losses, and always living in the eyes of others.
Netizens often leave messages. I especially envy confident children because they have the courage to stick to their opinions even if they are wrong. But even if I am right, I don’t have the courage to stick to it. Because I'm afraid I'm really wrong.
The ultimate goal of education is to establish inner order in children and establish standards of good and evil, right and wrong, rather than to cultivate "sensible" adults who are obedient but insensitive and tolerant.
Besides, children's sensibleness is never meant to save parents' trouble.
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