" His parents think that we are not suitable. Will we be happy together? "
" We are very impatient, is it suitable to be together? "
" His income is lower than mine, can we really be happy together? "
...
came to me as an emotional recovery customer, and often asked me a type of question:
We have XXX (except for domestic violence, abuse and other issues that touch the bottom line), even if we really get back together, can we be happy if we get married? ?
has been asked too many times, and I can’t help but ask, "Then, do you think you can be happy if there is no XXX?"
's answer is, of course, this is not necessarily true, but I think there is no XXX, we both There will be fewer problems in between. What
said is true. There is no parental disapproval, no temper, and the income of both parties can be more evenly matched, and there are indeed many fewer problems.
But ask yourself, don’t you want to spend a happy life with this person?
Without this person, everything is empty.
Therefore, the key to happiness is not to entangle the existing problems,
is to find ways to face these problems, and you can still live happily with each other.
This requires you to have the ability to solve problems and coexist peacefully with problems (no need to question, there are many problems between two people that cannot be solved and can only be accepted). For
to have this ability, I think you need to do at least three things.
Know yourself, you can truly engage in an intimate relationship
I once took over and saved such a case.
The boy asked me to save his girlfriend. The reason for the breakup was that the boy would get very angry when his ex-girlfriend said "get off", even if he knew that his ex-girlfriend said "get off" is just acting like a baby.
He once reminded his ex-girlfriend to stop saying "rolling", but on the contrary, rolling is a girl's mantra. Whenever she accidentally blurts out, boys will face cold.
girls were able to coax him at first, but after a while, they thought he was too fussing. The boys thought, why can't they do it with a little request? The two quarreled many times before and after this incident. Finally, after an emotional quarrel, they chose to break up. The
boy wanted to recover, but the girl felt that his mood was too unstable and was unwilling to develop with him.
Boys are also very distressed. He thinks that although rolling is not a good thing, when a girlfriend and boyfriend act like a baby, it seems that "going go" and "going go" don't touch the bottom line, but he doesn't. I understand why I can't control my temper. As long as I hear this word, there will be ignorance in my heart. After communicating with the boy, I found that the boy’s parents were divorced. He has been living with his father. After his father’s second marriage, he often quarreled with his stepmother. The stepmother kept him "getting off". Later, his father sent him to his hometown in the country. From now on, he lived in the country, and he was picked up by his father until his grandparents had passed away. After
talked with me, the boy realized that the word "roll" meant that he was abandoned when he was young. His resistance to "roll" was not just a reaction to this sentence, but fear I was abandoned again.
When he realized this, he talked with his girlfriend heart-to-heart again. The girlfriend expressed his understanding and was willing to return to him, and he was willing to make changes as best he could. After all, he was no longer the one who would be easily abandoned by others. Of course, there is no need to let your emotions be enslaved by a little "roll".
In fact, no one’s childhood is perfect. In psychology, there is a noun called "60 points parents", which means that parents can achieve 60 points.
In other words, everyone has more or less wounds in their hearts. As time progresses, these wounds are buried in their hearts.
When you re-enter an intimate relationship, those injuries that have never healed will be projected into your relationship. It often appears in a form that prevents your relationship from becoming more intimate:
you may be because of a word from the other party. Feel uncomfortable, and then jump into thunder, continue to insult the other party;
You may be greatly anxious because of the short-term loss of the other party.When you face ta’s approach, you may feel terrified and overwhelmed, and then choose to escape...
Sometimes, even you feel that you have done too much. , But at that moment, you just can't contain your inner impulse.
These are not things you did wrong, but you don't know yourself enough.
Only when you listen to yourself as much as possible and explore the root of those abnormal emotions, can you comfort the abnormal emotions and better engage in an intimate relationship.
can communicate effectively so that you can be intimate in your marriage.
first tell you a case:
one day, a girl found out that cat food was gone, and Meow was going hungry today. She sent a message to her boyfriend to buy one when she came home The bag of cat food, her boyfriend agreed, but forgot when he went home. If you were this girl, what would you say?
A Let’s go out for a walk in the evening and buy a dinner for Meow by the way.
B Cat food too! You go buy it again, or Meow will be hungry tonight!
C asked you to bring cat food, but you didn't bring it back. Do you want to be hungry? Why are you so irresponsible!
can first ask, as a girl's role, what was your purpose when you said this?
shouldn't simply want to accuse her boyfriend of this behavior, but hope that he can go out again and buy the cat food, right?
has this consensus, let's continue.
If your answer is C, I can only say that it is a bit regretful.
Because when you say these two sentences, your boyfriend's response is often not to go out shopping, but to fight with you.
He might say, "Why am I irresponsible? You are responsible, why don't you buy it yourself?" Or, "Why am I irresponsible? Do you know how tired I am today? Not just cat food Didn’t buy it back, as for?"
You don’t have to be surprised that your boyfriend’s understanding is so poor, because when a person is questioned about his character (C), he will subconsciously argue for his character, and once one party starts to be his own person If the product argues, the dialogue will fall into meaningless and invalid communication.
So, if you want to communicate effectively, the bottom line is to talk about the matter, and the rest is to let him understand and listen to what you say. The premise of understanding
is that you have to understand what you want to express.
For example, if your purpose is to let him buy cat food, you can choose to buy it with him at night (A); or just tell him that you go to buy cat food (B).
You may feel that you are directly asking the other person to do something, and it feels like giving orders, but believe me, this will at least not cause a worthless quarrel. The premise of listening to
is to make him understand why you let him do this.
For example, you ask him to buy it immediately because there is no cat food, and the cat will be hungry this meal (B).
Of course, if you understand and listen, it does not mean that the other party will be obedient.
Effective communication is not to allow one party to completely surrender to the other, but to allow both parties to communicate smoothly. In an intimate relationship, you can express your opinions and emotions without reservation.
Know your significant other so that marriage can be down to earth.
Between lovers, there is a common phenomenon called "halo effect", which means that in interpersonal communication, a certain aspect of a person’s characteristics hides other characteristics. Thereby causing cognitive barriers.
For example, when we see a good-looking boy, we subconsciously think that he is a gentle and considerate person; when we see a beautiful girl, we often subconsciously think that she should be considerate. This effect of
can give lovers a wonderful feeling in love, but it is a nightmare for those who want to enter marriage.
Marriage is a reality. It is a life of firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea. Only when you really understand each other's shortcomings and strengths and look at each other more "three-dimensionally" can you live a solid life.
Don't be afraid of problems between you, and don't give up a relationship because of some non-bottom-line problems.
Fu Seoul said, "Love is about finding trouble, and you can’t fall in love with trouble-saving thinking." Any intimate relationship of
depends onAll kinds of problems can really pull in the relationship between each other.
In other words, even if you escaped from this relationship today because of fear of problems, in your next relationship, you will still encounter other problems that you want to avoid. At that time, are you planning to escape again?
In this relationship, it is better to understand yourself, understand each other, learn to communicate effectively, and have the ability to solve problems in this relationship, so that you can truly take happiness in your own hands.
psychological test: Test your probability of recombination after breaking up
After breaking up, have you ever thought about how likely two people will recombine? This set of test questions will help you test the probability of recombination after breaking up. Let's try it together!
1. Does your ex’s contact information still exist in your phone?
A. Yes (5 points)
B. No, all deleted (0 points)
2, what is the reason for your breakup?
A. Objective reasons, the family disagrees (1 point)
B. Long-distance relationship, no future (2 points)
C.TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personality is inappropriate (3 points)
D. There is a third party involved in our relationship (0 points)
E. After we quarreled, no one wanted to bow their heads and broke up in anger (5 points)
F. I think TA has a bad temper and always complains and gets dumped by him (6 points)
3, the following four In this way, if you had to choose the one you most agree with, which one would you choose?
A. A person who loves another person should love all of TA, no matter the advantages or disadvantages, otherwise it will not be called true love, at most it is like (2 points)
B. Although feelings are your wish, but it’s man-made, The other’s love can also be controlled. As long as the other’s psychological needs can be met, love can be guided (4 points)
C. Twisted melons are not sweet, if they don’t want to get back together, I respect their thoughts (1 point)
D .The emotional world can never be equal. The person who wants to reconcile must not spare his efforts (6 points)
4. In expressing one thing, what do you value more?
A. Accuracy of speech expression (2 points)
B. Strong impression of speaking to the other party (1 point)
C. Whether the people around you feel comfortable with the words spoken (6 points)
D. The ultimate in the words spoken Goal (4 points)
5. What do you think of your basic emotional characteristics:
A. Severe emotional, often unable to control your temper (0 points)
B. Strong self-restraint ability, calm on the surface, but the inner emotions fluctuate greatly, once Contusions are difficult to heal (2 points)
C. Everything is a cloud, it is not easy to get angry, and friends praise the good temper (6 points)
D. Feelings are not muddy, more direct, but once unstable, easily agitated and angry (3 Points)
6. Have you ever saved your predecessor?
A. Recovered, but was rejected, and did not continue to recover (4 points)
B. No, I don’t know what the opponent thinks, so I dare not speak (2 points)
C. I have recovered several times, but the opponent is very repulsive and blacked out , Don’t want to see me again (0 points)
D. Tried to speak, but the other party thinks that we are not suitable, hope I find happiness (6 points)
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