Xiaopeng always thought that the reason why he was obsessed with this girl was because she was outgoing and cheerful most of the time, and occasionally a little depressed, which fit his model of a rational woman. He believed that this girl could lead him to a broader and more exciting world.
After in-depth psychological analysis by a consultant, Xiaopeng realized that the real situation was not like this.
It turns out that Xiaopeng's mother was unhappy in her marriage, and her personality became introverted and depressed. Xiaopeng loved her mother very much, and she always played the role of saving her mother.
Xiaopeng is so obsessed with this girl because the girl makes up for the shortcomings in his mother's character. The girl's extroversion and cheerfulness satisfy his needs at the conscious level, that is, "I want to find an outgoing and cheerful woman who can take me to a wider world." But what really moved him was that the girl's occasionally depressed look was very much in line with his real-life mother. The girl's depression touched his deep subconscious emotions, making him love the girl just like he loved his mother during his childhood. The combination of these two factors made him fall in love with this girl at first sight and fall into an inextricable obsession.
In other words, what Xiaopeng loves is only the illusion of the perfect woman he puts on the girl, not the girl herself. What Xiaopeng sees is just the illusion of an ideal woman that he projects onto the person he is obsessed with. He cannot see the true existence of the person he is obsessed with, nor can he see her temperament, her thoughts, her past and future life, etc. This is why the girl rejected her.
Tell another story.
26-year-old Li fell in love several times until one day, she suddenly discovered that she had a pattern: she fell in love with an older man from out of town and couldn't help herself. However, after they lived together, she had no feelings for him anymore, so they broke up.
She learned the hard way and suddenly realized: It turns out that her relationship has been replicating the pattern of getting along with her father in her childhood.
When she was a child, Li's father had been working in other places. He would dote on Li when he came back occasionally, so Li always longed for the love from her father. Later, her father was finally transferred back to work, and Li was able to see her father every day, but she quickly fell into disappointment. Because her father used many rough methods to mold her into an excellent woman, this left a deep psychological shadow on Li, making her subconsciously believe that love means "meeting is worse than missing each other."
Li's love pattern is a perfect reproduction of her relationship with her father in childhood: when they were separated, Li was full of longing for her boyfriend. Once they lived together, the relationship would fall into crisis. Li would often lose control of her temper, and she found that her boyfriend also made many simple and rude demands on her. If she couldn't stand it, she would choose to leave.
Deep in Li's heart, there is a model of the ideal opposite sex, and the ideal opposite sex comes from lack and fantasy. Once you meet the ideal opposite sex that meets the fantasy conditions, you will easily fall into hopeless infatuation.
Obsessed people like Xiaopeng and Li, what they love is not the person they are obsessed with, but the ideal opposite sex they have spent great efforts to outline. To put it more clearly, they love themselves better through their obsession with the ideal opposite sex, make up for the shortcomings of their subconscious psychology, and make the love in their hearts full and complete. And he himself may not be able to understand the ideal life world of the opposite sex he is obsessed with, nor may he be willing to comfort the spiritual pain of the opposite sex he is obsessed with.
Such obsession is self-love, not true love.
On the road of life, the person who truly walks together must make you feel a tacit understanding, must understand you, and you must understand him. Both of you are willing to accompany each other and can comfort each other's vulnerability.
Yes, true love that understands each other and understands each other is even more rare.
friends, that’s it for today’s sharing. If you agree, please give it a like and give it a little encouragement. Thank you!
——Psychological and emotional therapist Chang Gezui is willing to be your good friend!
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