Author: Xiaoyao (Fushu columnist)
Romain Rolland said, "You don't have to force love, but you have to be responsible for marriage."
Love is romantic, and only the good of the other person is in the eyes; marriage is firewood, rice, oil and salt, and life is full of chicken feathers.
A marriage without love is a pity, and a marriage that only talks about love is also terrible.
Marriage cannot be sustained only by feeling. Only by fully considering reality can it be long-lasting.
As a parent, it is a kind of foresight and wisdom to give appropriate advice to your children when they choose a marriage partner.
Please tell your children: Never look for these four types of families when getting married.
Families with unloving parents are full of conflicts
There is a discussion on Zhihu, "What is it like to live in a family where parents do not love each other but never divorce?"
Netizen @ostrichMissAnita shared his experience.
Her parents had a bad relationship, and her father had a bad temper. When he was not satisfied with his work, he would go home and quarrel with his mother.
The mother advised the father more than once to be patient and let the child hear it, which would have a bad impact on her.
But my father disagreed: "You said this is not good, just ask her not to imitate me."
On her 14th birthday, her mother went to a restaurant with her to celebrate, but her father refused to go because he was in a bad mood.
That day, her mother asked her for the first time if it would be acceptable if her parents divorced.
She expressed her acceptance without any hesitation. Because she could feel that her mother was too miserable, and she rarely received love from her father.
However, the mother still chose to stay married, saying that it was so that she could have a complete family.
Later, she went to college elsewhere, and her father never called her.
came home from vacation and found that his parents had long been separated. Although they lived under the same roof, they hardly spoke to each other. The atmosphere at home felt like it was frozen.
Growing up in such a family, she has a deep fear of relationships and marriage. In her eyes, marriage is not in the name of love, but more like a shackles of necessity.
Psychologist Nolfio said: " Parental love is the best gift for children. Because the way parents get along is the first entry point for children to understand marriage. "
The quality of parents' marriage will affect the child's life.
Children who grow up in families where parents are not loving or even have conflicts are often more sensitive and suspicious, and their ways of solving problems are also prone to extremes.
On the contrary, children who grow up in harmonious families usually have a gentle personality and are good at communication. Because they have experienced happiness and been nourished by love, they are more willing to give happiness and know how to be considerate of others.
Loving parents and harmonious family are the highest form of showing off wealth and the most lasting gift to children.
Before getting married, please carefully observe the way your partner's parents get along. It is likely to be what your future marriage will look like.
A family whose children are too doting is ungrateful
In the TV series " is good ", Su Mingcheng was doted on by his mother since he was a child.
The family's financial situation is not good, but as long as Su Mingcheng asks for it, his mother will satisfy it.
After he became an adult, his mother paid money to find a job for him through connections. When he bought a house or a car, his family subsidized it. Whenever he was short of money, he would reach out to his mother for help.
Even after getting married, I still have to rely on my parents to support the family every month.
He is not grateful at all for his parents' support, he just takes it for granted.
After Su's mother passed away, Su Mingcheng heard a friend recommend an investment. became a shareholder of a company and received dividends on a regular basis. He thought of selling his family's old house to raise enough funds.
His wife strongly opposed it, thinking that he had no investment acumen and would most likely lose money. At the same time, he gave up the idea of continuing to gnaw at his old age.
However, he still insisted on going his own way and borrowed more than 300,000 yuan from here and there. As a result, the investors took the money and ran away, and all the money invested was wasted. His marriage was also ruined by himself.
But Su Mingcheng did not realize that it was his fault that he was indolent and indolent. Instead, he complained that his mother took too good care of him.
Growing up, his mother doted on him and rarely criticized him. With a few sweet words, he could easily get what he wanted. That's how he got spoiled a little bit.
Doting is a kind of indulgence. Once it goes too far, love turns into harm.
As long as a doted child raises a need, his parents will not hesitate to ask for it and do their best to satisfy it. And their parents are reluctant to let go, which makes it difficult for them to be truly independent.
After they grow up, they tend to be self-centered and take other people's contributions as their due; they are also used to retreating when encountering difficulties and are unable to assume the responsibilities they should bear.
When they enter marriage, they often continue this pattern into intimate relationships.
Rather than empathize and pay attention to the needs of others, they care more about what they get; rather than taking responsibility and making independent decisions in life, they are more accustomed to obeying their parents' arrangements.
As a result, the couple's daily life is inevitably interfered with, they lose their initiative and sense of freedom, and they quarrel over trivial matters.
Before getting married, please feel carefully that the education style of your partner's parents may be a replica of your future life.
A family that speaks too strongly, it is rare to respect
TV series "Come on!" In "Mom", He Xiaohan graduated from a junior college and married a doctor. After giving birth to a daughter, she became a full-time mother at home, caring for her husband and raising her children.
But her powerful mother-in-law looked down on her from the bottom of her heart, thinking that she had a bad background and low education, and was not worthy of her son. In life, everything makes things difficult for her.
In front of her granddaughter, her mother-in-law compared her with her daughter who has a doctorate, saying that she "can't even pass the bachelor's degree, so what's her future";
bought her a primary school math Olympiad problem set for her to study in advance, and said with disgust: "Don't ask your children in the future, you will not know anything about it."
My granddaughter often complained that her mother didn't know anything, and even refused to help He Xiaohan help her with her homework.
He Xiaohan had no status at home, so he swallowed his anger for a long time and even suffered from depression .
People who speak viciously are either dissatisfied with life and vent to others casually; or they are pretentious and cannot tolerate others.
Living under the violence of language is an unspeakable pain. Although my body didn't feel any pain, my heart was already scarred.
If language is used improperly, it can become a sharp blade that hurts people; but if used well, it can also become a medicine that saves people.
Zhan Qingyun became popular because of his eloquent and quotable debates in " Qi Pa Shuo ".
graduated from The Chinese University of Hong Kong with a bachelor's degree and a doctorate degree from Harvard University . She is an undoubted academic master.
No one would have thought that when Zhan Qingyun was in elementary school, she was actually a "scumbag" with the lowest grades in the class. Some teachers even called her a "stupid pig" in public and advised her to drop out of school.
Zhan Qingyun lost confidence in himself and asked his mother if he was really bad. But her mother comforted her with confidence:
"Mom has calculated it. By the fourth grade, you will become the best student in the school."
In this way, her mother never belittled her because of her poor grades, but encouraged her all the way. With his mother's unconditional support, Zhan Qingyun studies harder and harder.
Finally, in her sophomore year of high school, she became the top student with the most outstanding grades in the school.
For many children, it is because they have not received encouragement from their parents and teachers that they become timid, have low self-esteem, and even think that they are worthless.
Just like the writer Sanmao once desperately longed for the appreciation from her father. When she heard her father say that she was proud to have such a daughter, she said:
"I have been waiting all my life for your words, and only today have I erased my inferiority complex and guilty conscience."
You must know that a child who has been encouraged since childhood will definitely lead a different life when he grows up than a child who has been suppressed since childhood.
How could I have the courage to move forward without being nurtured by a family with gentle words?
Before getting married, please carefully understand the language style of the other party's family, which may very well determine your future living conditions.
Families with very different financial backgrounds have different views.
Samsung Princess Li Fuzhen fell in love with her bodyguardRen Youzai. Despite the strong opposition of the family, she married him like a moth to a flame.
One is the eldest princess of a top consortium, and the other is a poor boy from the common class. Almost no one is optimistic about their marriage.
Facts have also proved that the happy life of the princess and the poor boy can only happen in fairy tales.
The joy of love is only short-lived. The cruelty of reality teaches us a truth: to get married, you must be a match.
After marriage, Li Fuzhen independently took charge of the family's hotel industry, showing her business talents. In just a few years, the hotel's sales increased by 6.5 times.
But her husband refused to work hard and was sent to the United States for further study. He even attempted suicide because of the excessive study pressure. When he entered the company, he often complained and was unwilling to do things. He also developed a bad habit of drinking and even attacked Li Fuzhen after drinking.
Li Fuzhen, who was desperate for marriage, filed for divorce. Her husband's true nature was fully exposed. He had no regard for marriage or children and only wanted to fight for property.
The divorce battle lasted for several years, with tit-for-tat confrontations in court and a heated public outcry.
In the end, Li Fuzhen ended this incredible marriage with a sky-high divorce fee equivalent to more than 80 million yuan.
In contrast, the combination of "September Wolf" Zhou Liyuan and "Xtep Princess" Ding Jiamin is not only a perfect match, but also a childhood sweetheart.
Both families are worth billions. The man graduated from the University of Toronto . The woman has a temperament that is not inferior to that of a star. Moreover, both of them are responsible for the family's brands, and their business performance is remarkable.
Just when everyone was thinking about the helplessness and pressure of wealthy marriages, Ding Jiamin generously admitted that they grew up together and were childhood sweethearts.
It corresponds to a saying on the Internet, "If we are not matched with each other, how can we become childhood sweethearts."
Indeed, only with similar family levels can we have the opportunity to meet each other at an early age; only with similar family backgrounds can we have more common languages.
Jane Austen said, "In marriage, it is absurd to only consider family background, and it is foolish not to consider family background."
The so-called "well-matched" does not only refer to the match of economic level, but also the match of cognitive level, handling style and perspective on the world.
In a marriage with disparate family backgrounds, the two parties are so different that it is inevitable to have stumbling blocks. Differences in one matter at a time will accumulate into conflicts all the time. No matter how deep the relationship is, it will eventually be unable to withstand the trivial waste.
The longest-lasting relationships are those that are evenly matched. If one side is too strong and the other side is too weak, there will inevitably be an imbalance. The strong feel tired, the weak feel tired, and no one feels comfortable.
Before getting married, please carefully consider whether the other person's family has a similar financial background. This will determine whether your future marriage will be easy and comfortable.
Lin Yutang said: "There is no way to live a marriage without failure. Treat marriage as food and love as snacks."
When you fall in love with someone, you don't need a reason, just love; when you choose a partner, you need to be careful and think carefully before making a decision.
This is not about utilitarianism, but a sense of responsibility. We are responsible for ourselves, the other party, and our families.
As parents, you should not forcefully interfere with your children’s marriage choices, but should remind them in a timely and kind manner.
When making major choices in life, be less reckless and more thoughtful; be less impulsive and more rational.
After all, a harmonious marriage is a blessing in life. Only by choosing the right partner can the families of both parties be harmonious and peaceful.
About the author: Xiaoyao, the columnist of Fushu, uses books as companions and makes friends through literature. May words leave the most beautiful moments behind. Article: Parents read intensively. The copyright of this article belongs to Fushu. Unauthorized reproduction is not allowed. Infringement will be prosecuted. Fushu launched a new book "Good Life" in 2018
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