has seen this sentence: "The root of all human suffering comes from the lack of a sense of boundary."
People always want to be closer to each other, but in fact, there are boundaries in all interpersonal relationships. It is a disaster to get too close to people.
The couple's boundaries are the most confusing in all relationships. Everyone has their own ideas, and everyone's abilities are limited, and the problem arises when it exceeds the scope of love. Many people say that marriage is a process of gradually losing "self", imprisoning, restricting, and dependent on each other. After entering marriage, the two people will lose their caution when they fall in love and become unscrupulous.
So a lesson that both husband and wife must learn is: Everyone is a respected independent individual, and we must also respect other people's boundaries.
Many women believe that husbands can only prove love or prove their status by obeying their own words, but in fact what they do not realize is that this is an unhealthy or even pathological marriage relationship.
No matter how close the relationship is, if you don’t have a sense of boundaries, you will easily get bored, especially when you kidnap the other party in the name of “love” and give to you, you are already consuming the other party’s love.
01 The husband suddenly passed away, and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law each had their own words
Event Review: In the picture, this sad woman is named Chen Yao (pseudonym). As a post-95s generation, she was originally enjoying the good age of life. However, shortly after getting married, her husband Yao Peng (pseudonym) chose to end her life with a rope.
Chen Yao said that after her husband suddenly passed away, his cruel in-laws not only threw away everything he had passed by, but even didn't want the ashes, but only took away valuable items such as cars and mobile phones.
Yao Peng is the only child in the family. He is also born in the 1995s and suddenly left young. As a white-haired man, the parents who sent a black-haired man should have been sad, but the reaction of his parents-in-law made Chen Yao feel cold.
Recalling the day her husband left, Chen Yao clearly remembered that Yao Peng's emotions were no different from usual. The only difference was that after sending her and the child back to her parents' home, he did not drive to the construction site directly, but went to his parents-in-law's house. After that, the heavens and man were separated forever. What made her speech the most was that when her husband left, they did not notice anything abnormal. It was not until Chen Yao returned home the next day that she found that her husband was gone.
After Yao Peng passed away, Chen Yao took her son back to her parents' home, but during this period, her parents-in-law did not even care or greet her only bloodline at the family. Chen Yao said that when her husband was at home, he often quarreled with his parents, so he stayed with him after marriage, but the day the accident happened was at his parents-in-law's house. Recalling the various things that her husband got along with her in-laws, coupled with the reactions of her in-laws after her husband passed away, Chen Yao had to associate the cause of her husband's death with her in-laws.
In order to find out the truth about her husband's departure, Chen Yao and reporters found their mother-in-law Shen Hongxia (pseudonym). Mother-in-law Shen Hongxia seemed not welcomed the sudden visit of this daughter-in-law who had not seen for a long time. As soon as she met, she criticized the daughter-in-law for all kinds of crimes.
In the eyes of mother-in-law, the son is introverted, while the daughter-in-law has a strong personality. After marriage, she restricts her son everywhere. Not only does she not allow him to make friends, but she has to watch the daughter-in-law's face even when watching TV. After marriage, the son has to coax his daughter-in-law humbly every day, and even the son is helping to wash his daughter-in-law's clothes. Sometimes the son is under too much pressure and can only rely on the hammer wall to relieve the pressure. She even learned from others that the day her son left, her daughter-in-law had a big fight with her son because of buying milk, so her daughter-in-law was just a villain who complained first, and her son's death was all caused by her daughter-in-law.
Chen Yao did not admit his accusations against her mother-in-law. She said that when her husband Yao Peng was alive, her parents-in-law always disliked him for being incompetent and making too little money, so her husband must be unable to think about it because of this.
02 The wife's desire to control makes the husband choose to escape
Seeing the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law each have their own opinions, so what is the truth about Yao Peng's departure?
Talking about the scene when Yao Peng left, his cousin still couldn't get angry. She said that Chen Yao was the first person in the family to be lost to Yao Peng, but as a wife, she was incredibly calm.
From the surveillance video at home that day, when Chen Yao borrowed a hammer from a neighbor's house and smashed it open the door and found that her husband was gone, she did not ask anyone to help, nor did she show any sadness. She just calmly went home to pack up a bunch of children's clothes and then went back to her parents' home. Although Chen Yao explained that she left in a hurry because she was worried about her parents' children, the Yao family did not agree with this explanation at all.
Yao Peng's family revealed that after Yao Peng left, they found several bruises on him, and Yao Peng's mobile phone screen was also broken. It was obvious that there must have been conflicts between the couple, but Chen Yao denied it.
Then Yao Peng's cousin and cousin's wife added that Chen Yao's desire to control was very terrible. Since Yao Peng got married, Chen Yao has been firmly controlled by him. She does not allow Yao Peng to have any social interaction, nor does she allow him to go out to work, and she will even get angry when playing with her mobile phone. The first thing she does when she goes home every day is to hand in the mobile phone for checking. Yao Peng has cut off all contact with his brothers since he got married. Even when relatives at home, as long as Chen Yao doesn't go out to say hello, Yao Peng can only stay at home with her.
Chen Yao's mother-in-law said that although her daughter-in-law looks quiet on the surface, she is not only very scheming and has a very irritable temper. Every time she sees her son chatting with others on her phone, she will directly smash her phone. She has smashed three phones in 9 months of marriage. In the first half of the year after getting married, the daughter-in-law not only refused to let her son go out to work, but even did not use her mobile phone. Every time her son wanted to contact them, she could only use her daughter-in-law's mobile phone.
In the face of everyone's accusations, Chen Yao still denied them all. In order to prove his daughter-in-law's character, the father-in-law, who had been silent on the side, finally stood up. Judging from the contact records he provided with when his son was alive, he, the old man, had borne all the living expenses in the family since his son got married, and his son Yao Peng was only responsible for paying the electricity bill. However, according to Yao Peng's payment records, each payment is a few yuan or more, and sometimes even only one or two yuan.
Seeing that his son lived so frustrated during his lifetime, Yao Peng's father was in a bad mood. He said that after his son passed away, they counted all his son's assets, and the balance in the three bank cards was only 15 yuan in total, which was really chilling.
Yao Peng's parents said that in order to marry Chen Yao, the old couple spent 300,000 yuan to buy a house for their son, 180,000 yuan to buy a car for their son, and gave Chen Yao a 100,000 yuan bride gift. The wedding was also held in a hotel in the city according to Chen Yao's requirements. They also owed foreign debts to marry their daughter-in-law in order to enjoy the glory, but who would have expected that they would be spared in the end. As for what Chen Yao said about grandparents not caring about grandchildren, Yao Peng's father was indignant and said that if there was no grandparents not caring for grandchildren, they would take them immediately if the child's mother was gone. But it was precisely because they helped to contribute money and work at the beginning that Chen Yao was picky everywhere, so they now also wanted to let him feel the difficulty of raising children, so they deliberately ignored grandchildren. Chen Yao didn't seem to care about the criticism of everyone opposite her. She suggested that although her husband was gone, the car and the house were all pre-marital property, but the children should enjoy the right of inheritance, so she suggested that her parents-in-law sell the house and car and then distribute it reasonably. But this proposal was quickly rejected by the parents-in-law present. They said that since the daughter-in-law could force her son to a dead end, she should bear all the sufferings alone.
03 Emotional Analysis
Regarding Yao Peng's death, although mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have different opinions, they actually have responsibilities, but the size of the responsibility is different.
As a son, Yao Peng is always belittled by his parents, dislikes him for being incompetent, and hurts a man's basic self-esteem; as a husband, his wife controls him everywhere, leaving him with nowhere to escape and nowhere to go, and he loses his basic freedom as a person.
For Chen Yao, she did not realize her problem until her husband passed away. It was really not worth it for Yao Peng.
Many people believe that since two people have established a close relationship, they should be inseparable from you and me. But the fact is that marriages that have both common areas and clear boundaries can last for a long time.
Psychologically divides the self-boundary into physical boundaries and psychological boundaries. For couples, we can be intimate on the physical boundary, but we should keep a certain distance on the psychological boundary.
Psychological boundaries mainly refer to the independence of one's own personality, that is, people do not want to be dominated by others. Our own problems should be decided by ourselves. If the other party always wants to control and dominate you, you will feel uncomfortable and want to escape.
Love needs to have appropriate "distance", but not "estrangement", and respect is needed between partners, not control. Even the most intimate partner is two independent people, and they still need their own space and freedom.
If you are a strong wife in marriage, you might as well try to see your true needs and the parts you need to grow. Only by truly seeing your needs can you make up for it in a healthy way, thus avoiding a series of problems in the family.
Otherwise, when all hidden dangerous factors break out, even as a "tyrant", you cannot control the direction of the development of things.
Today’s topic discussion: Do you think “severe control of your wife” is a good or a bad thing?
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