text/month/month
Source: Biduhaoshu
Some time ago, my girlfriend Xiaolin announced the fact that she was divorced at the party, and all her friends were shocked to hear it.
In the eyes of outsiders, Xiaolin and his wife are a pair of model parents with an extremely harmonious relationship. Xiaolin is gentle and virtuous. Her husband is also hardworking and motivated. She is also willing to help with housework and raising children. A family of three enjoys themselves. I don't know how many people envy such a family.
But why would such a harmonious couple eventually part ways?
Xiaolin said: "Because we have been married for six years, like colleagues and roommates, but not like lovers."
"After marriage, we rarely quarrel and never leave, but we rarely communicate in depth. , It seems that we have never been very close together."
"We said that I love you, and we did fulfill our duty as a husband and wife, but in fact we have no interest in who each other is. Close each other's hearts, never conflict, and respect each other like guests."
"Sometimes I dream of my husband cheating, and there is no turmoil in my dream. I can collect evidence rationally, find a lawyer, and do divorce matters."
"If someone asks me what it's like to be married for six years, I want to say that I am playing role-playing. I have been playing the role of a good daughter-in-law, a good wife, and a good mother."
"This kind of Marriage is too suffocated. So, we chose to divorce."
01 False intimacy is a chronic poison
Xiao Lin’s words aroused our deep thoughts.
Maybe there is a couple in this world. They eat, sleep, and live together every day. They seem to be intimate and never quarrel, but they are not really that "close".
They never reveal their thoughts to each other,Never share your own emotions. Even if there are potential conflicts, they are not willing to communicate frankly, but deliberately avoid them, or even turn a blind eye.
In fact, the relationship is a "pseudo-intimacy" .
The so-called pseudo-intimacy, in simple terms, is to put the lover into a colleague and roommate, only physical contact, no deep connection. Both parties are intimate in form, but both tacitly avoid being honest about themselves and accepting each other.
When a couple is in a state of non-interference, non-interference, and non-aggression, on the surface, they are free and independent, but the background color is loneliness, because there is no intimate emotional connection between each other.
Remember the Siwen of the talk show? In the story, she compares her husband to "the brother who sleeps on the upper bunk."
In the end, the couple who became buddies chose to divorce.
Remember some time ago, the star Jiao Enjun and his wife Lin Qianyu officially announced the divorce?
Lin Qianyu said frankly in the program:
There is no such thing as a third party, affair, or cheating between the two people. It is just that the relationship between husband and wife exists in name only. Although the title of loving couple is hung, they have actually been separated for more than 2 years.
Facing the divorce, Lin Qianyu didn't feel much sadness, and said freely: "Just treat him as a karma, and he will naturally be bye bye when it's over."
Look, how many marriages are ruined by hypocrisy Intimacy. It is like a chronic poison, eroding love and sweetness,Let the marriage become an ice cellar, and let us in it be extremely chilling.
02 Pseudo-intimacy is a conspiracy
So, how exactly is pseudo-intimacy caused?
Some researchers believe that "pseudo-intimacy" is a psychological defense system created by two or more people.
In fact, everyone has an instinct, which is to establish a defense system to protect themselves and avoid harm.
For example, some people are afraid of quarreling, worrying that conflicts will ruin the relationship between two people, so they will avoid communication and deliberately avoid conflicts.
For another example, some people are afraid of disappointment, so they never show their true needs to the other party, nor do they have any expectations of the other party, because there is no expectation, there is no disappointment.
When two people have established such a set of defense mechanisms, it is equivalent to maintaining a state of emotional confinement together and refusing to open their hearts to each other.
It can be seen that pseudo-intimacy is a conspiracy between husband and wife. They are performing this role performance together, pretending to be intimate on the surface, but in essence it is a kind of separation.
is like a lyric: “I’m standing on your left, but like the Milky Way.”
I have a partner by the bed, but I’m lonely than single; I live together tomorrow, but I’m like Is the most familiar stranger.
03 How to get out of pseudo-intimacy?
To get out of pseudo-intimacy,We need to do the following three things:
l Learn to open your heart and reveal your emotions
Many people have misunderstandings about the way couples get along, thinking that loving couples never quarrel.
But in fact, couples who never quarrel are probably not really loving couples. They just put their emotions in a condom and avoid solving problems positively.
If you want to truly get out of false intimacy, you must accept your emotions, and at the same time try to open your heart and reveal yourself to the other person.
l Learn to empathize and respond in time
Psychologist Mark B. Borg believes that: To get rid of pseudo-intimacy, it is necessary to establish empathy.
Try to think about how you feel when you say to your partner: "I am in a bad mood today."
Your partner's response is: "I'm very busy, you can go to bed first."
?
Do you think that he doesn't care about me at all, and I will never tell you my heart again?
Many times, the reason why one spouse closes his heart and gradually becomes alienated is because the other spouse cannot empathize with her.
I get rejected too much, and I feel chilled. I would rather choose not to express than to be frustrated again.
Therefore, we must learn to empathize and be sensitive to each other's emotions such as fear, vulnerability, and anger.
Regarding the other party’s negative emotions,We can't choose to be invisible, otherwise we sleep side by side in the same bed every day, but they are separated by the furthest distance.
Only by truly empathizing, trying to understand and listen to each other, can we enter the other's heart.
You must know that a good husband and wife relationship is not about being free of disputes, but about allowing expressions and responding in time.
l In-depth communication, walk into the heart of each other
In life, many couples communicate on the surface. The content of the daily communication is nothing more than: what to eat at night, who will pick up the children, and whether the parents are good.
As for spiritual things, it is rarely mentioned.
Many people would rather confide in the netizens they have never met than in-depth communication with their closest partners.
So, what is deep communication?
It refers to more in-depth mutual exchanges in personal emotions, attitudes, and values.
For example, we can watch a movie with the other half, have valuable communication about the content of the movie, and exchange views and opinions with each other.
For another example, we can take a walk with the other half after dinner every day, and exchange interesting things that happened today during the walk.
For another example, we can cultivate a hobby that both couples like, such as playing chess, games or some kind of sports, and communicating in the activities.
In short, the communication between husband and wife should not be just a routine, but a spiritual level. Only when we truly walk into the heart of the other person can we get out of the vicious circle of pseudo-intimacy and establish a truly intimate and harmonious relationship between the sexes.
04
Franklin once said: in the relationship between people,Nothing is more important to the happiness of life than truthfulness, sincerity and connection.
True intimacy does not require many false expressions to the outside world, but requires honesty, acceptance and cherishment.
I hope that after reading this article, you can find the lover who is truly close to you. I hope that our marriage can be more real and more energetic.
encourage each other.
About the author: Yueyue Source of this article: Biduhaoshu (ID: renshengbidu) original articles, new book information, mandatory reading lists, etc., grow with you! Good books are as precious as jasper.
.-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-