After experiencing a few men, my pain sums up

It has been a year and a half since my extramarital affairs. In the past year and a half, I have experienced a re-understanding of myself, and also realized the harvest this extramarital affair brought me. Over the past year or so, I have seen my shadow in the articles of many sisters in the official account, and I have also gained a lot of inspiration from some insightful articles and comments, which made me gradually walk out of that dark time and be thankful for myself. This experience was not wasted in vain, and growth was achieved.

We are acquainted at work, in an industry but not a unit. He is single, I am married and have no child, and he is 5 years younger than me. I was moved by his stalker. At first, I was in a high position and he spoiled me like a goddess. Later, when I was away from home, I proposed to break up. After the breakup, I regretted it for a while and found him to get back together. It was hot and cold, and I was concerned about gains and losses, and this lasted for a year.

During this year, most of the time we were in different places, and we were basically disconnected for more than half a year. Generally speaking, I have given more energy and money, and his attitude towards me is getting worse and worse, but I still can't make up my mind to end, and I seem to expect him to make the decision to end.

The turning point came about a month and a half ago. I picked him up at the airport in the middle of the night and spent the night at his house. When I took a shower that night, I fell in the bathroom and had a swollen elbow, and he was very indifferent. I enjoyed my sex with him every time, but that night was the first time I felt tired and boring, and he didn't shoot it out for the first time.

That night I had insomnia all night, and at 6 o'clock in the morning, it was dark and I couldn't stand it anymore, so I lightly got up to pack my things and went out gently. When packing up, I was sure he was awake and pretending to be asleep, and I was afraid that he would really "wake up", that would be embarrassing.

we didn’t contact afterwards. A month ago, I went on a business trip.For nearly two months, after the plane on the business trip landed, I received his message: end it. After thinking about it for two hours and confirming it repeatedly in my heart, I replied with one word: OK.

At that time, I didn't think it would end, but felt that he would experience the unwillingness and regret that I experienced after breaking up actively. Sure enough, after that, his social platform sent various sad and drunk dynamics, monitored my social dynamics, and occasionally interacted with me, or contacted me for some weird reasons. And I was as if nothing happened, very calm, he contacted me, I was enthusiastic about business affairs, his personal affairs were not asked, just like ours never existed.

This month, I was able to stay away from my family and his troubles. I spent most of my spare time working out and thinking alone. My body and mental state are recovering quickly. I have some thoughts I want to share with my sisters. I hope to give The troubled sisters bring some enlightenment.

Tip 1: When a relationship starts to consume you, but you can't live without it, there must be some problems that you haven't figured out, and you subconsciously think that this relationship can help you figure it out.

I said before that my lover resembles my father in some respects, and after I was born, my father committed cold violence to my mother for 6 years, and then my mother voluntarily divorced. When I encountered cold violence from my lover, subconsciously, I wanted to fix the failed marriage of my parents in the original family by repairing the relationship with him. After realizing this problem, I began to discuss her marriage with my father more with my mother. I also thought that after I became more mature, maybe I should go to my father to reconcile and eliminate the resentment against him in my heart.

On the surface, my lover seems to be a rebellious and bohemian prodigal son, and I was educated to be a polite, humble and respectful girl since I was a child. Once, when I felt I was about to lose my lover, I felt that my life was incomplete. Later, through self-analysis,I found that the selfish and unruly personality in him is exactly the character that I have been suppressed. When I started to see and accept this part of myself that was once suppressed, the sense of incomplete lack slowly disappeared.

only then realized that the need to constantly ask for emotional value from others actually stems from a sense of lack in one's heart, and the sense of lack stems from a person's failure to see the true and complete oneself. The suppressed part of self is like your shadow personality. You can't see him but he exists. At this time, if a person who can reflect your shadow personality appears, you will be attracted to him, and you will not want to leave even if you are hurt.

On the other hand, my lover actually yearns for a stable family life. Maybe he has seen his shadow personality in me. He said that he loves and hates me. He is often so angry that he can't beat and scold me, which makes him very depressed. But I can't think of anything that I can hate him. Most of his attitude towards me is dispensable, and I used to be responsive and cautious to him. It can be said that I love him in the dust.

Tip 2: Don't smash a man, accept other men, and maybe help you out.

During the disconnection from my lover, I had two very short extramarital relationships. It was these two relationships that played an important role in the adjustment of my mentality.

one is 6 years older than me. We only have one night. He still keeps saying good morning to me every day. He will answer me whenever I call, and he will help me analyze marriage and extramarital affairs patiently. . He was divorced once and is a very popular person of the opposite sex. He and I exchanged a lot of views on marriage and the relationship between the sexes, which greatly reduced my self-blame for betraying marriage and broadened my feelings and humanity. And the understanding of marriage.

The other is a 9-year-old boy. We have known each other for more than two years.He had fallen in love with a girl in their work before, and half of the talk found that the other party was actually married, so his mentality collapsed, and he wanted to let it go but was not reconciled. At that time, he almost begged me to try with him, and the two of them hugged each other to get warm, so as to get out of the obsession with the person in his heart. But after we were together, it was difficult to find the sense of attachment from each other. For me, he was too young and too innocent. Looking at him was like looking at me who had just stepped into society. We stayed together for half a month, but he gave me a warm feeling and helped me get out of the depressive symptoms that tortured me repeatedly. I hope I can help him a little bit too.

However, these two relationships are just first-aid behaviors when they are in extreme emotional breakdown. I still think that under normal circumstances, no matter what kind of relationship, women should not open it casually. Get to know each other better first, think about what you want, so that you can better deal with your mentality after being together, and you will have more control over future developments.

Experience 3: Extramarital affairs occur because there is already a problem in the relationship, but the extramarital affairs will still damage the relationship, regardless of whether the extramarital affairs are discovered.

My husband and I were very sweet for more than two years after we got married. We both felt that each other was our soul mate. But about the third year, I started to feel dissatisfied with him, but I didn't realize it at the time. My husband and I belong to two different personalities. I am more ambitious in my career and keep setting new goals for myself, and he is a contented person. At the beginning of acquaintance, he had just returned from abroad, and his knowledge pattern surpassed me. I was full of admiration for him, and then gradually I overtook him. In the process, my admiration for him became less and less. Secretly breed a kind of dissatisfaction.

In the two or three years before the extramarital affair, we had very little sex life, but he and I did not have this desire. After the extramarital affair, the sex within marriage was even worse. In the past six months, we have been completely asexual. . I am willing to accompany my husband to do a lot of things, but I don't want to make affection with him, and I don't even want to kiss him.

's job is stable and relaxed, and his social circle is small. After my career transformation two years ago, the social circle and pace of life have changed a lot. In the past two years, there have been fewer and fewer topics on which my husband and I can communicate in depth. In addition, after the emergence of extramarital affairs, it has occupied a lot of my mind, and I have no time to take care of my husband. Now I reacted and tried to communicate with him more, but he often showed a feeling of resentment of being left behind. Sometimes he would ask for my care like a child. When I was troubled and confided to him, the suggestions he gave were not. It's naive. Sometimes I feel that I am like a man in this family, working hard outside to work hard, and I have to calm the emotions of the other half when I get home, and I feel very tired.

On the other hand, because I betrayed him in my marriage, I always feel guilty. This guilt makes me unable to be calm with him like I did in the past. And if this situation continues, I may still have other extramarital affairs in the next few years. Because women are born to be strong, especially when the career or life is not going well, and the soul is fragile, there is a psychological need for someone to rely on. If the husband can't give me, I may ask outside. But in my heart, I don't want to treat him like this. It is too unfair and it hurts him.

At present, regarding marriage, I have not found a good solution. I can only watch while walking. Maybe when I become more mature, I will know how to guide him and myself.

Tip 4: The formal end of the extramarital affairs is not important, the important thing is whether the heart can let go.

Like many sisters, I used to repeatedly pull black and delete, and say cruel words, but if I can't let it go, as long as the other party hooks his finger, I will still lower my head and crawl back. After I really felt that I could let it go this time, my lover became emotionally unstable, and many of his behaviors were just like me. Although there is a pleasure of revenge, I also feel boring. I used to think he was a person with extremely high emotional intelligence. Now it seems that he is also an ordinary person.

As for the future,I will not take the initiative to find him to get back together. Because of the intersection of work and connections, I can be a normal friend with him, and if he finds me to get back together, I will make a decision based on my mood at the time, but I will never wrong myself again. Catered to him.

I am deeply aware of three things about managing relationships:

First, if a person can hurt your emotions, first of all, it is because you gave the other person the opportunity to hurt you. For many things, changing the perspective of thinking can lead to different ways of handling and bring about different results.

Second, respect others and respect yourself. Real respect for others is to understand what the other person needs and then deal with it, rather than treating others according to your own will. Your kindness, if the other person doesn't need it, will bring undesirable responses. To truly respect oneself is to be true to one's heart, and bravely express even if it is very selfish and unreasonable needs. Only when it is expressed can the two people negotiate, and if they can get together, they can continue. There is nothing to regret if they can't agree. In a relationship between the sexes, being a real villain is much more comfortable than a hypocrite.

Three is, today’s fruit, yesterday’s cause. For more than a year since my lover and I fell in love and killed each other, many things were done under the emotion of immense resentment, and after he fought back, I couldn't bear it, and I almost played myself to death. He used to say that I didn't respect him, but when I was softened, he didn't respect me in turn. At first, I just enjoyed his flattery to satisfy my narcissism, but I didn't expect to sink into it later; and at the beginning, he might just want to get a married girl at a low cost, but he didn't expect to fall into it later.

In the world of emotions, where can win or lose? I think that in the world of emotions, we can have strategies and routines, but the starting point should be to make both sides better. Don't think that you can calculate or hurt others when you have an advantage, because one day these injuries will come back.

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