Wen|KUKU Zhu Shenyong
As an extramarital affairs manager for 11 years, he has received too many heartbreak cases from his original wife. For men’s deviant affairs, it hurts more than just They are the original wives, but they actually have their children. Although there is a crisis in the marriage between husband and wife, it will gradually affect the children.
My father fell in love with other women, quarreled with his mother, cold war, and even filed a divorce, so no one can accept it.
Some time ago, I saw a message from a netizen asking: "If the father betrays the family, what should I do as a daughter?" In fact, this question can also be extended to: "If the parents are not in harmony, after the father has deviated, he should be a child with the father. Breaking?"
On this issue, everyone's perceptions and opinions are different. Things didn't happen in our own family, just looking at the problem, we are all outsiders.
Once things happen in one's own family, all reason and suggestions are only for reference. The facts are far more difficult to choose than imagined.
However, as a senior marriage manager, I will address this issue from the perspective of marriage management and give the following analysis and suggestions. If your father is gone, how can you as a child be separated from the influence of your father's deviant?
1 First of all, the identity of "dad" does not have the "function" of having an affair. The "husband" has the "function" of having an affair. This means that even if this man betrays your mother and has a lover outside, his behavior is essentially to hurt his wife, and you, as a child, do not directly hurt others.
He is deviant. He is also your father. He also has the responsibility of raising and loving you, and you should also have the duty of filial piety to him. As a child, you have to draw a clear line between husband and wife relationship and parent-child relationship, who should be the matter, who should solve it, and don't cross the boundary.
is not your business, and you cannot solve it and have no right to interfere. The deviant is the husband, and the wife has to deal with it.
For example,My dad beats me, I can find a lawyer to sue him as a child, and communicate with him as a child the physical and mental harm he has caused me to beat me, and make a request.
This is my dad's business and I can handle it. But my mother's husband deviated, it was my mother's own marriage, and she wanted to solve it. That is, the husband's deviance is the wife's business, and the wife needs to promote the solution and make choices. It's not the daughter to solve it.
Similarly, as a daughter, if you want to solve it, you can't solve it. This is why you feel so powerless and don't know how to push it. Because of your role, you don't have enough stand and strength to push the whole thing forward.
2 Secondly, if you are afraid that your father’s deviant behavior will affect your mother’s happiness and family harmony, as a child, you can warn your father and give appropriate advice. For example, what you can tell your father is:
I know very well that you have a lover outside, and I also know that extramarital affair is a matter between your husband and wife. As a daughter, I have no right to interfere too much. You will deal with it yourself afterwards.
I need to honestly tell you how I feel: I am shocked, painful, hurt, and even doubt about love and life. The blow to me is very big.
I will tell my mother what happened in the follow-up. As for how you want to solve it, it is your husband and wife's business. I only hope that you and my mother will face it rationally and solve problems together. This is my true feeling and expectation of being a child.
means: use the communication formula of event + feeling + suggestion to inform your father of your feelings and influence, your expectations, this is related to you. But it's not that you roll up your sleeves and tear the third party personally. How to solve the extramarital relationship is a matter between their husband and wife.
3 You can choose to inform your mother about your discovery of your father's extramarital affair. At the same time, tell her that this is a problem she needs to face and solve.
Under normal circumstances, if the husband deviates, the wife feels and perceives, and may not be ignorant in the dark. The sooner an extramarital relationship is discovered, the sooner it can be managed, the better.
But as a child, you don't need to advise your mother, how to solve it is a matter between them. Withdraw from the matter between their husband and wife.
Just tell them how you feel and what you look forward to. Your world should be based on your own life and study. You are not the protagonist of their husband and wife relationship, and their husband and wife relationship should not become the main theme of your world.
4 If the father's deviance is serious, leading to family discord, the parents finally decide to divorce. As a child, you must understand that this is a matter between their husband and wife. As a child, you can express your feelings, but do not interfere too much, because whether they choose to divorce or manage a third party, it is their husband and wife. The result of the negotiation.
If you are unwilling to lose your parents and strongly demand them to maintain the marriage relationship under the premise of the breakdown of your marriage and relationship, your family will not return to the ideal happy state.
It is very likely that your parents made do for marriage. In fact, the husband and wife have no communication for many years. The mother is suspicious, and the father does not return. They are husband and wife, but they survive in name only.
As a child, you really don’t feel good in your eyes. What you want is for mom and dad to be happy together, but apart from quarreling, they are fighting. The two are not pleasing to everyone. There is really no need for this kind of marriage to continue. If you stick to it, the family will not see it. hope.
5 If your parents really divorced because of an extramarital relationship, as a child, I hope you can understand the grievances suffered by your mother in this marriage, and at the same time don't hate the father who betrayed your mother too much.
I know it’s difficult. Every word and deed of the father will affect the life of the child, but what I want you to understand is that the father’s deviance cannot be said to be his own fault. It shows the marriage between their husband and wife. There are problems in life and their separation is inevitable. But as a father, if he treats you well and still cares about and loves you, then as a child you should not care too much about his transgressions.
This man, I'm sorry for his wife and your mother, but he didn't feel sorry for you. As a father, he did his duty to you, so you have no reason to look at this man with colored glasses.
Marriage is a matter of two people, but the happiness of the family is inextricably linked with the children, so,The appearance of the third party in the marriage not only hurts the original spouse, but also the children. Therefore, in the face of extramarital love affairs, wives must go to war and do their own happiness!
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of Marriage Management School, author of the best-selling book "Extramarital Affairs" Please send me a private message and I will reply to everyone.
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