Emotional counseling: I have many conflicts with my boyfriend, but I am old again, do I want to get married?

▎Media: "Companion Magazine" March 2021 Issue No. 502 P53 "Marriage and Love Clinic"

Experts in this issue Xu Wenjiao

Bobo Consulting:

I am 27 years old and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We have been together for two years. We were both in Guangzhou before, but now he goes to Shenzhen for development. He comes to see me twice a month.

My family didn't know I was in a relationship and urged me to find a boyfriend. I was hesitant to take him to see my parents, because meeting means getting married.

I am very confused about our future, and I don't know what he thinks. Occasionally I heard him tell his friends that he did not want to get married, nor did he plan to marry me. To be honest, when I first fell in love, I didn't want to marry this person. I thought it was not suitable to look for. After

were together, we often had conflicts. He said that I had a bad temper, was in a hurry, and liked to get angry; I thought he was too cold and weak, and would despise him.

There are a lot less conflicts between different places. If I have something to play or somewhere I want to go, he will definitely accompany me to play, and he will pay me generously.

But there is still a problem between us, that is, I will not give up my current job to go to Shenzhen, and he will not give up just after he develops there. Therefore, if we want to get married and do not live in the same place, it feels There is no need to be together.What should I do?

Teacher Xu Wenjiao's interpretation:

Although you and your boyfriend have been dating for two years, in your heart, you do not identify this man.

What kind of partner and marriage do you really want? Whether two people can be stable and happy together is related to their ability to seek common ground while reserving differences and to establish a marital alliance, which involves psychological "identification" and "differentiation".

In terms of "identity", ask yourself:

Do I want to have a certain ability or quality in this person?

Do I want to have children with such a person?

If I have children, do I want my children to have certain qualities of such a person?

...

If your answer is mostly "NO", it means that you do not agree with your partner, and it is difficult to recognize and appreciate him.

In terms of "differentiation", you and your partner are a community in marriage and separate individuals. Each individual needs to take responsibility for solving personal psychological, emotional, and self-development problems. Marriage does not solve these problems and may amplify existing problems.

If you are unhappy when you are single, have a lot of troubles and problems when you are in love, often quarrel, and have a quick temper, then it is very likely that you are still the same when you are married.

Therefore, if you are not satisfied with your temperament and your existing life, you should take the responsibility to solve these problems.

◎ Secondly, there are some issues worth discussing before marriage.

In life, difficulties and problems are unavoidable. In the face of problems between two people, although some topics are unpleasant, these topics determine whether you can seek common ground despite small differences, whether you can communicate happily with each other, whether Can work together to solve difficulties and whether they have the ability to solve this problem.

Maybe you need to discuss with your partner, do you have children? If is required, who is mainly responsible for it? What are your earning powers and goals, and how do you balance consumption and savings? Do you understand each other's spiritual needs and beliefs? Do you have a common life purpose? ……

If your answers are mostly vague, maybe you need to calm down to understand and reflect on yourself, and to sort out and plan your emotions and future life more.

◎ Finally, thinking brings insight and action brings change.

Sometimes, we are dissatisfied with the status quo, feel that these problems annoy us, and want to change, but do not want to face it head-on, and are afraid of change.

For example, you know that the other party is not suitable, but considering the risks brought by breaking up, you are worried that you will not be able to find the partner you want, or the next one is worse... So you feel that not making a choice is the safest choice.

here also suggests that you consider the risks of not making a choice. Sometimes, a lot of "should have done but not done", will make you suffer more losses.

For example, have you ever thought about not changing your quick temper, and how much has it cost you? If you don't know what kind of partner and marriage you want, you get into marriage. How much trouble will this cause in your life?

When you think carefully about the risks of not doing a certain behavior, you will realize that after making a choice, even if you do not succeed immediately, these small failures and setbacks are accumulating experience for future success.