Today's Women's Daily Emotional Clinic column, confide email 65252775@qq.com
confide / Zhiqiang article / Zhang Qingqing
This year is my fourth year of doctoral study, and it may take 1-2 years to graduate. My wife said she couldn't wait to be "Mrs. Doctor" and wanted to divorce me.
Actually, when we got married, she was still chasing me. I used to be a technical engineer in a company, and she was an administrative clerk hired by the company. At that time, I was regarded as a technician with a relatively high degree in the company, and my income was acceptable. I was not handsome but not ugly. I belonged to the "economically adapted man" who was more suitable for marriage.
Half a year after she came to the company, she began to pursue me out of admiration for me. Although she only has a college degree, she is quite handsome. "Women chase men's interlayer yarn", we got married after six months of dating.
After a few years of marriage, life was quite peaceful. After having a child, I felt a career bottleneck in the original company, and I had no other resources and relationships. If I changed jobs, a master’s degree was not very advantageous. I plan to study for a doctorate so that I can change to a high-paying job in the future. My wife agreed to this plan. She also gave me peace of mind to study for a doctorate, and she has come to support the family in recent years.
I am very grateful to my wife for being so reasonable, so I quit my job and started to concentrate on my blog. Originally, I planned to complete my Ph.D. degree within 3 years, but I didn't expect it to go smoothly. The threshold for Ph.D. graduation was higher than I thought.
In order to support the family, his wife quit her job as a clerk and switched to a sales job. Although the income is much higher than before, it is not stable and has to travel a lot. At the beginning of
, we can still encourage each other. But after three or four years, she saw that I would not be able to graduate for a long time, and the financial pressure increased as her daughter grew up, and she slowly complained to me.
Neither of us has a wealthy family and our parents have no support.I didn’t have much savings before, and the school’s doctorate grants were limited. And some of her friends and classmates, although not as educated as me, have gotten along well. When she saw that they started to buy new houses and new cars, her mentality began to be out of balance. At the beginning of
, I also used "Ang Lee" as an analogy and asked her to wait to be "Mrs. Doctor". I believe that I will make a lot of money, and when I graduate with my doctorate, our life will be better and better in the future.
But as she has been in sales for a long time and has come into contact with many so-called "successful people" in her eyes, she often compares those people with me, saying that I am a "nerd", and my temper is getting worse and worse after returning home.
At first, I had to endure it. When she talked more and more, she would sometimes quarrel with her. Now, no matter what I say, she can't listen. She says she can't wait, and every day she says that she regrets marrying give me. I wondered if she was having an affair outside and had secretly investigated her. But at least so far, I haven't found any evidence yet.
A few days ago, she attended a class reunion. When I came back, I was in a bad mood, and when I talked about how her classmates were doing, I was very annoyed when I heard it. We quarreled again. She scolded more and more fiercely. . I immediately reached out to help her, and she shook my hand away, coldly saying she wanted to "divorce", and then took her daughter back to her parents' house.
She asked for divorce, I was hesitant, I actually couldn't bear her, and I couldn't bear the children. I also knew that even if I graduated, I wouldn't be able to make money right away. It is still a long process to find a job again, and it may be a long process to really have a high salary.But now, we are suffering in such a marital situation, should I let it go? Or try your best to save it?
Dani: Love to warm my wife's cooled heart
Zhiqiang,
Hello! It is really not an easy task for
couples to work together and grow old together! The journey may be full of thorns and twists and turns. It requires both husband and wife to work hard, understand each other, support each other, share weal and woe, and help each other in the same boat.
During the three or four years of your blog, your wife has fully supported you. Not only did she make a verbal promise to let you read a PhD with peace of mind, but she put it into action and worked tirelessly to support her family.
Recently, because you can't graduate on time, you have to postpone it for one to two years. In addition, compared with the acquaintances and friends around you, the wife's mentality is out of balance, and her temper is getting more and more impatient. With the child angrily back to her parents' house. Has the attitude of
's wife changed so much just for the two reasons above?
From the time your wife pursued you to the hard work after marriage, it can be seen that your wife loves you. She is hard-working and dedicated, and she is not a gold worshipper who is completely materialistic.
The above two reasons you analyzed seem to be out of your control, and you may even feel innocent about the change in your wife's attitude.
As the psychological consultant Aso said: "There are no innocent people in a relationship, and everyone needs to be responsible for their own part of the relationship". Because the relationship is mutual. Relationship is interaction. Everyone's words, deeds, and attitudes play a constructive or destructive role in the relationship. Therefore, everyone should take their own responsibility for the quality of the relationship.
If you want to improve your relationship, you must start by changing yourself!
You might as well calm down and reflect on the following questions: Your wife has worked hard to support you for three or four years, but she did not expect you to graduate with a doctorate and land successfully. She feels tired, and her fiery heart is gradually cooling down , With emotions, with complaints, this is normal. Do you appreciate her dedication? Do you understand her hard work? Understand her loss?
is going to postpone the graduation of the Ph.D., have you tried your best? When your wife pursued you, it was because of your diligence and positivity. In fact, the wife is not afraid of enduring hardships, but she is afraid that the journey will be hard, but there is no hope.
Reading a Ph.D. and concentrating on scientific research really requires concentration, which is indeed very hard. However, since you are married and have children, you must plan reasonably and balance your studies and family. Are you responsible for your family? Do you protect your wife and children with love? After objective analysis and deep reflection,
has a direction and method to deal with the marital crisis.
suggests to warm your wife's cooling heart with your love, wisdom and patience.
First of all, I sincerely apologize to my wife, because I am busy with my blog and may have overlooked my wife's feelings.
Secondly, unblock the communication channel with your lover, not only understand your wife's thoughts and feelings, but also introduce your progress in studying for a Ph.D., so that your wife can see your efforts and understand your difficulties. Then, use practical actions to express your love for your wife and children, and take on the responsibility of being a husband and a father.
Marriage has four functions: emotion, psychological function, physiological function, parenting function and social function (including wealth, fame, etc.). During the Ph.D., it may be difficult to contribute to the family financially, but you can make up for it in three other ways and gradually restore the relationship between husband and wife.
Bless you all!
Expert profile: Danni, Director of Changsha Qiushi Education Consulting Center.Many media invited psychological consultants.
Edit: Xiaoqing
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