Should two people get married? When will you be married?
Some people are equally happy in flash marriages, and some people still never get together for five or six years. Do you know why?
The key to marriage is not time but state!
Before getting married —— The degree of understanding of each other, the depth of love, and whether you are all prepared to face the wind and rain together and never give up.
Based on years of psychological experience and the status of a married person, I think that before considering marriage, everyone should ask themselves the following questions, find the answer, and then move on to marriage .
1. Are your three views the same? Including love view, marriage view, money view ?
The three views are not in harmony. You don’t have to make do. If you have different perspectives and ways of thinking about the problem, don’t go to marriage, otherwise your future conflicts will be more than a little bit.
In addition to values, world views, and life, there are also the three new views mentioned now: love, marriage, and money.
Let’s talk about the idea of spending money.If you think travel is entertainment, he thinks it is a luxury; if you celebrate an anniversary, he thinks it is a waste of money. So it is conceivable that how much firewood, rice, oil and salt are you going to be mad about?
2. Are your plans for the future consistent?
Only if you have the same goal in life, you can walk all the way to a destination. Otherwise, it will run in the opposite direction and will only go further and further.
I think of the most typical example, Hai Ping and her husband in " Snail House ", Hai Ping is ambitious and wants to stay in Shanghai, so her husband wants to be rich and safe and return to her hometown. As a result, Haiping kept pushing her husband to make money, and almost made him go to jail. Both of them had a hard time.
When two people have completely different ideas, they will be tired and you will be disappointed, so don't go to marriage.
3. If one party encounters difficulties, what kind of commitment can the other party make?
Marriage is incomparable to love. At best, love is an emotional connection of congeniality. Marriage is tied to each other's economy, family, interests, interpersonal and other aspects.
So, predict in advance, If you encounter difficulties after marriage, whether it is illness, bankruptcy, or family crisis, can he ride through the storm with you? There is also empathy, can you accompany him without any regrets?
If you don’t even have this determination and endurance, get rid of it,It is better for you two to stop the loss in time.
4. How to manage money? How to allocate future finances?
"Who manages the money" has always been a big problem in marriage. Just like setting up a company, you need a financial account to manage the accounts. If you want to continue business, you must have someone responsible for the money.
talks about how the mutual savings and income of both parties should be allocated and managed reasonably, for example, how much pocket money do you give him each month, or you have an account to deposit and withdraw living expenses together. This must be discussed before marriage.
Remember, no matter what the money is, it’s him, you, or you AA, it’s okay for anyone to do it. The important thing is that the opinions are the same, so there will be no more quarrels and cares.
5. Have you met both parents? What about the other's native family?
Native family is already a common topic. Everyone should know how big and far-reaching the impact it has on a person.
Therefore, before marrying the other party, it is necessary to get a good understanding of his native family, take a look at the way his parents get along, the way their parents treat him, and his attitude toward their parents.
Don’t forget, an adult’s emotional life will invisibly continue the way of getting along with the previous generation. This is subtle and difficult to change easily. (He didn't have a stick to kill everyone. If his native family is unfortunate but not adversely affected, that's okay).
has another important point: think more about it,Your relationship with your future mother-in-law, see if the conflict between your mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will hinder your relationship.
6. Are his advantages and disadvantages clear? Can you accept his bad ailments?
He has teeth and hiccups, he is lazy and does not like to do housework, his mother is childish and has no idea... None of this is right or wrong, it depends on whether you like it. Marriage is like this. They run into each other and learn from each other's strengths. Since they can accept his advantages, they can also accommodate his shortcomings.
If you are blinded by love temporarily, but pretend to ignore his faults, that is not to scare you. You will certainly magnify his shortcomings every minute of your marriage, and you will regret it later.
7. How to distribute housework after marriage? Is there a division of labor and understanding?
Housework seems to be small, but after marriage, it’s a big deal, because it’s a “work” day after day. For example, it doesn’t matter if you wash the dishes once a day. You do it 3 times a day, 21 times a week, one Only 84 times a month...
Then I ask you, who would be willing to do this kind of repetitive mechanical work. But if the pre-marriage assignment is done or a tacit agreement is reached, I cook, you wash the dishes, I mop the floor, and you wash the clothes. That’s okay. Just like the division of labor in the workplace, it’s fine if the responsibility system is clarified or the mutual understanding does not feel wronged. Too much.
8. Two particularly important topics: sex and childbirth. Have you ever communicated?
If you want a harmonious marriage, you must also consider your sex life.Everyone has different views and ways of dealing with sex. In short, if the partner has quirks before marriage, he can respect his personal orientation, but if he doesn't accept it, he will stay away.
Having another child is also an important topic. You want DINK, he wants to have two. Obviously you can’t talk about each other. Then you can communicate with each other before marriage and decide on future development. This is a responsible attitude towards each other. .
9. How do you communicate? How to deal with conflicts?
Two people have to go for a lifetime. After decades of getting along, they must find a way of communication that is acceptable to each other, especially when encountering conflicts. He is good at cold violence and you are good at hot noise. Then, you are destined to be more Go further.
I think that each family has its own characteristics. If you like to quarrel and solve the problem, it might not be a good way. The key is that the two people must agree on how to deal with the problem.
10. Is the relationship between two people equal? Or who will lead it?
The best marriage relationship must be equal, but absolute equality cannot be achieved in any marriage. There is always one party that is slightly stronger or dominant.
Before getting married, it is necessary to think about it. If he is willing to be the head of the family and you like to be the little woman behind, why not do it, but if you two want to win each other, I think you still have to Weigh it.
11. Is he the partner you are looking forward to? Or is it the most suitable person at this stage?
ask yourself more,Marrying him is based on his conditions, his family, or his people. He is your ideal partner. It is just a compromise that you have to make at present.
In the final analysis, I don’t want everyone to "suffer" in marriage. It will only be for a while, and you can’t be wronged for the rest of your life. Now you can marry/marry him. When you meet someone more suitable for you, you will regret it Either cheat.
12. Do you admire him? Does he have something you admire?
A good marriage must be to appreciate each other and be evenly matched.
I hope everyone can find someone who admires to get married, at least in a life of war and chaos, when facing a place of chicken feathers, you can look at the light on him, and you will be willing, without complaint or regret.
13. Isn't he a trustworthy person? How much do you feel about this love?
To get married, you must choose a person with good character and trustworthiness. After all, decades after marriage, when the passion is no longer and the temptation continues, he can stick to his original intention and be loyal and trust each other If you go on, then this marriage is complete and has a sense of faith.
Do not marry a person who will change his heart and leave you at any time. There are too many variables in marriage, so you have to make sure that the only constant is that his character is the same.
14. The reason you married him, besides love, can you write more than three more?
This last point,I think it's very simple. You prepare a piece of paper and pen and write down the reasons for marrying him one by one. The more the better, the rankings are in order of importance.
If you didn't write anything in the end except for love, then I have to warn you: When love slowly fades, you will find that this marriage will lose a lot of meaning and value.
Profound, national second-level psychological counselor, translator of the book "Non-violent Communication · Gender Chapter", member of Dalian Psychological Association, 34 years old, married and childbirth, willing to share my attitude.
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