Nowadays there is less and less patriarchal phenomenon, and the times are changing, but girls who grew up in a patriarchal environment in the past will still have a big shadow in their childhood.
They yearn for family affection and want to be valued by their families. However, the balance of the parents has been tilted, and it is sometimes difficult to get right. Because of the shadow of childhood, perhaps when the same scene appears many years later, he will be pricked again.
Zhang Xue didn't want to go home this year, but she still went home. She didn't want to go home at all this year. After graduating from university, Zhang Xue stayed in the big city to work, and this year only worked for one year. The long journey is one aspect, and the New Year policy of staying behind during special periods is also one aspect, but the most important point is that Zhang Xue doesn't want to go home at all.
"Home is too far away for me. It doesn't mean that the number of kilometers is too far, but the distance between the heart and the heart is too far and too far. Since I was a child, I have never felt the warmth of having a home, that home seems I have never belonged to me, or that I am the only one who does not belong to that family.
There are only three people in that family, my father, my mother, and my brother. I was just an accident, a no-nonsense The accident that should exist in the world is also the person with the most left in the family."
When Zhang Xue said this, although his tone was very sad, his expression was very numb, as if he was used to it, or no longer at all. Expecting, she confirmed it.
"Well, after so many years have passed, can I still hate? Can I still complain? I can only comfort myself, and I will be relieved with myself, otherwise? They can't recognize their mistakes. I was sulking with them because they had negative emotions. It was not just to make me feel uncomfortable. No one would notice. Why should I do this?
It seems that I have a good mentality, but it is not. , It’s just because I hate enough and resent enough, and now I feel that these are not important, my mind is only ignorant and indifferent.”
Even if it is a great holiday for family reunion like the New Year , Even if everyone’s heart has been for four years in this hometown and their relatives, and can’t wait to rush to their hometown, in Zhang Xue’s heart, there is still no way to make any waves.Even when it comes to the New Year, her face not only has no happy expression, but even a trace of uncontrollable pain surges.
"When I was young, all the children were very happy, only I was not happy at all. Because other children have new clothes and they all have New Year's money, but I have nothing. I have never had a New Year's money. Many people don’t believe it, but this is indeed what happened to me.
can’t be said to be completely absent, but it’s just like nothing. My grandpa and grandma hurt my brother. In my bones, I still remember that every time my brother and I went to visit my grandparents’ house for New Year’s greetings, my grandparents greeted my brother enthusiastically when they saw my brother, and gave him snacks, with a smile on his face, but When they saw me, they either turned a blind eye or had a stern face.
When they gave the new year's money, they gave my brother one hundred yuan of the new year's money, and when they gave it to me, only one yuan.
them You may think that I am a "little loser", I was born by accident. Of course I will not like me, I will only like my grandson.
Now my grandpa is gone, my grandma has a stroke, speak I’m not clear about my speech, but I still can’t forgive them.
My parents, my parents, have also inherited the ideas of my grandparents perfectly. They won’t give me New Year’s money, they think I have nothing to spend, even if my relatives gave it, They would also ask me to return the New Year’s money, saying that he saved it for me, but my brother is different and can control his New Year’s money. The reason is that they said that my brother is older and I am still young, but I can save it. I don’t have the following.
I remember that I had a trouble with this one time later. My dad was very angry. He gave me a slap on the night of the New Year’s Eve, saying that the New Year’s money was my tuition and my living expenses. The one who raised me for money, why ask them for money.
Then he pushed me out of the gate and made me cry and reflect on myself, and apologize to them when I knew I was wrong.
I remember, I gave in later, no matter how hard my bones are, I am afraid of the cold, and I am afraid of the dark, so I can only cry and beg them for forgiveness.I won't mention the new year's money again in the future.
During the New Year, they will buy new clothes for my brother to wear. For me, I always pick up my brother’s old clothes and wear them. I can’t wear my brother’s only shoes, so they help me ask relatives who have girls to wear the rest. Yes, you won’t buy me a new one without a last resort.
I am a little girl, but I always wear old clothes worn by older boys, so since I was young, I don’t like to visit, don’t like to go to my friends’ house, and don’t like Chinese New Year. No one will understand , Wearing old clothes, my little self-esteem has been greatly traumatized, and I am embarrassed to see that others have new clothes and wear new clothes.
Maybe my parents think, what kind of self-esteem can I have at my age, anyway, the old clothes are left, so I don’t waste it when I wear them, but it’s really different. They think that their various behaviors make them feel inferior. It sprouts deeply in my little heart. Until now, I still feel that I am inferior to others. I feel that I am very useless. I am not expected to be born, nor will I be needed in the future. I have no value in existence. . _P1p
Because of these unfair treatments, after graduating from high school, Zhang Xue filled in a university far away from home, and fled away from his native family. After graduating from university, no matter what his parents say , How to say, she just refuses to go home and insists on staying in the big city to work. For this reason, she has often been scolded by her parents.
"You are a girl, let you go to university, so that you can marry in the future A good husband, you are doing well, reading books, getting older, your wings will become hard, and you won't listen to what your parents say! _P1p
"You are not willing to come back to marry. It is not impossible to want to work outside, but you remember that if you don't marry, you will work outside and earn ten years of money for your family before getting married." _P1p
The words of the parents plunged into Zhang Xue's heart like a knife, and strengthened Zhang Xue's unwillingness to go home. Zhang Xue of each other didn't know what she should do, and she couldn't understand this issue until now. But she understands what she should not do, she can’t go back, she has to be independent, and fight for a different way out for her future.
this year’s New Year, hesitating why she can’t go home during special periods,On the contrary, it made Zhang Xue a lot easier. She could justifiably not have to go home, even if she celebrated the New Year alone, she felt very happy. She told her parents not to go home this year, but even with a strong reason, her parents still disagree.
"No, you come back, no matter what the reason, you have to come back, this year your brother just added a baby, how can your aunt come back to have a look, there are new members in the family, the Chinese New Year is a day of reunion, No matter what the reason, the family must be neat and tidy, and come home to reunion!"
Zhang Xue’s nose is sour when she hears his father’s last words, no matter how much she is dissatisfied with her native family, she still Still eager for family affection, when she heard that she was needed, she thought that she was already strong enough, but she broke the defense all at once, and finally she agreed to her parents and chose to go home for the New Year.
"I'm still growing up after all. People say that children should learn to reconcile with their parents. My idea at the time was that maybe the past things should pass away. I should try to understand my parents and try to reconcile with them. ."
Thinking like this, Zhang Xue decided to forget everything and embark on the road home with anticipation.
She bought new down jackets and thermal underwear for her parents, and a woolen coat for her sister-in-law, and bought a lot of food to bring back. After all, Zhang Xue has only worked for a year, so she saved her food frugally. Twenty thousand yuan, which cost several thousand yuan just after returning home.
But seeing her parents happy, she also felt it was worth it. This year of reunion with her parents and sister-in-law made Zhang Xue feel extremely fulfilled. She has grown up, worked, and is needed by her family. She feels like herself Found a sense of belonging.
But on the night of the New Year's Eve, something happened that made Zhang Xue's heart that had just melted cold again.
After dinner on the thirtieth year, the sister-in-law coaxed the child. The father and brother were watching TV in the living room. Zhang Xue was pulled by his mother to clean up in the kitchen, and the mother suddenly spoke.
"How much money are you going to give your little nephew later?"
Zhang Xue was stunned. She has already bought a lot of things, and it is still the first year of work, so why do you want her to give it to her? What about my nephew's new year's money,But since her mother asked her, Zhang Xue also felt that she should give some, so she answered.
"Three hundred yuan."
Zhang Xue feels that she has given it a lot. After all, she has never had a new year's money since she was a child, but her mother is not satisfied.
"You are my aunt, how can you give so little?"
"How much should I give?"
"At least three thousand red envelopes should be given to the New Year."
Zhang Xue Stunned, Zhang Xue couldn't believe her mother's serious look, she suddenly laughed bitterly, then cried again, she rejected her mother.
"Since you said that, I won't give you any points. The reason is simple, why should I give it? I just worked, why do you just cheat me? Have you ever considered me your own daughter? Am I just a tool in your eyes?"
Zhang Xue's sobbing voice, the whole family heard it, and the whole family was silent.
Zhang Xue cried very loudly. I love this girl even more. Not only Zhang Xue, but also the group of girls who are in the same situation as Zhang Xue.
When will they be treated fairly? They don't want much at all, they just hope to get some warmth and the love of their parents, but this little wish is so difficult to achieve.
Zhang Xue's crying may have caused the family to fall into short thoughts, but afterwards, I think it is still the same.
Those patriarchal families will never really reflect on themselves, treating their daughters as an accessory to their sons, and treating their daughters as "water thrown out".
Perhaps, only by relying on their own hands, and only relying on their own efforts, to break away from the original family and become independent, will these girls truly get out of the haze, break the prison of the original family, and usher in a bright future.
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