The word "friend" is often a watershed. Above "friends", there are confidants, brothers, best friends, lovers, partners, and relatives; under "friends", there are partners, colleagues, acquaintances, acquaintances, and strangers. What does "friend" mean? If you want to reach the level of "friend", an important sign is whether there are requirements for the balance between efforts and returns.
Maybe some people, you think they are your friends, and they are even connected by blood and sleeping in the same bed, but in your heart, you are always weighing the pros and cons, calculating how much you have paid for him, how much he has paid for you, and whether your efforts and rewards are proportional, then you have not actually reached the level of friends. is almost the same as "the appearance is in harmony with the spirit".
And other people are just your colleagues, acquaintances, bosses, and subordinates, but you help them regardless of rewards, don’t care what they reward you, as long as he is better, you will be happy, and then your actual relationship will surpass your colleagues and become friends. is almost the same as "teacher and friend".
According to this standard, there are actually very few people who can truly become. Most of the people around us can only be called "knowing, cooperating, working together." In fact, such a relationship is not bad, because a friend relationship will put pressure on each other, because what friends need is emotional investment, while a cooperative relationship is much simpler, as long as the interest relationship is balanced well.
However, we are always misunderstood and ask colleagues for their expectations for friends, but we only want to give others the contribution of acquaintances. Simply put, most people are selfless and selfless in their hearts, and they are always weighing the pros and cons, and always hope to take advantage of themselves. As a result, friends cannot be successful, colleagues cannot maintain good relationships. They seem to have a good relationship with everyone, but everyone will not say good things about you behind their backs.
Of course, Jiao Yulu's personality is not good for anyone who does not seek reward. No one is an angel, and it is impossible to maintain the passionate contribution to everyone. The so-called "selflessness" is always a false proposition, and it will eventually collapse and explode. Human nature is originally about seeking profit and avoiding harm. Therefore, it is completely legitimate to ask for relationships under "friends" due to efforts.
The key to the relationship under "friends" is to grasp the degree, that is, balance. Don’t take advantage of others and take advantage of yourself, nor do you have to be selfless and complacent. So how to maintain balance in ? The core is two points: finding a community in terms of interests and finding a balance point in game in terms of conflict.
Interest relationship is actually the most stable relationship between people. Although this sentence is not good, it is actually the truth. As the saying goes, "There are no eternal friends, only eternal interests" .
When you can maintain a long-term cooperative relationship with someone, you often have common interests, but you ostensibly attribute it to a high-sounding reason such as a relationship, arguing, and aligning values. When your relationship with someone breaks down, it is often the same as the common interests that are broken down, which leads to uneven distribution of spoils, which is the so-called "can share hardships but not wealth and honor". However, on the surface, you attribute it to inconsistent strategies, inconsistent ideas, and differences in directions, etc. to cover up the truth about each other's pursuit of interests.
If this is the case, if wants to maintain a cooperative relationship with one person, the first step is to find a community of interests that benefit each other. To put it nicely, this is the "common goal". Any thing, as long as two people do it together, must benefit fairly, and there is no question of who will pay for whom. No matter how hard it is, it is actually for yourself, just to help others.
Such benefits are sometimes profits, such as bonuses, and sometimes punishments, such as performance appraisal. When the team completes a job together, the leader should not take the bonus so that the team can share it together.. Why Song Jiang was able to gather friendship in Liangshan? It was not because of the dispersed wealth that anyone was willing to cooperate with him. When the team wants to carry out a task, the assessment goal should be clarified. When the task is not completed properly, who will pay and how much the price will be paid. This is the only way to ensure that the task can be completed effectively. As the saying goes, "Where is the focus, the energy is; wherever the assessment is, the performance is" .
If you want to maintain a cooperative relationship, it is not enough to have a community of interests alone. Humans are emotional animals. Once they are emotional, they can easily throw their interests behind them. No matter what tomorrow is, today I will fight you to the death, but the result is that things cannot be done. Therefore, on the basis of a community of interests, must also have a game balance point .
The relationship between people, the relationship between organizations, and the relationship between countries are essentially game relationships. When it comes to game, it is not who wants to defeat whom. On the contrary, the game of is not about the victory or defeat, but about the draw . Once there is a victory or defeat, you will definitely kill a thousand enemies, lose 800, and both losers will be hurt. The defeated party will definitely carry hatred, thinking that sooner or later it will make a comeback, which is equivalent to planting the root of disaster.
The game pursues a draw, that is, the game balance point, also known as "Nash equilibrium". That is, if both sides quit at a certain point, and any side will act rashly, it will not only cause damage to the other party, but also cause damage to itself. Therefore, although the game balance point is not defeated, it is the most cost-effective state for yourself.
game balance is everywhere, the most typical example is the nuclear weapons game between major powers. So far, humans have only thrown two atomic bombs , but the human nuclear arsenal has tens of thousands of nuclear warheads . Why so many? These nuclear warheads are not used for release, but for deterrence. It is precisely because of the nuclear weapon that humans will not have World War III, because any country knows that once acts rashly, it can not only destroy its opponents, but also destroy itself . This is called "ensure mutual destruction."
People should also find this kind of balance point between people. This balance point is often under common interests. Everyone is tacitly aware of it, but they are all afraid. If I can't get the money, you won't even think about getting it. If I were torn down, you wouldn't have a good life. Such seemingly dirty ideas are often the basis for maintaining happy cooperation between people. The core of the game balance point is "balance", that is, the chips of both sides should be almost the same. instead of pursuing whose chips are overwhelming, otherwise it will be the result of the outcome, and the loser will definitely seek a counterattack. The amount of chips in has nothing to do with the position, age, status, etc. . People of any class or age have their own bargaining chips, just recognize these clearly.
For example, although you are a subordinate, you are smart and capable, have strong execution ability, and can think of detailed work for your leader. The leader will naturally be without you. This is your bargaining chip. For example, you are just a newly graduated intern. Although you have no experience, you are young and energetic, with new ideas and new consciousness, which is also your bargaining chip.
evaluate what chips you have, think about what chips the other party has, and consider whether both parties can face the future at the same level. Even if you still respect the other party and even if the other party is still above your position, your cooperation is equal, and this is the key.
If you search for a long time, you cannot find equal chips to play with the other party, it means that you cannot reach a balance state. You must either improve yourself as soon as possible or leave as soon as possible. This is the direction of your efforts in the short term in life.
Let’s summarize it. If someone is not a "friend" between you, but you have to cooperate with him, then you should remember three things:
First, reduce expectations and face you just a cooperative relationship. Don’t want to turn him into a friend, or use the standards of a friend to demand him and yourself.
Second, find common goals, find a community of interests, and ensure the fairness of the distribution of interests, so that people can strive for a common goal.
Third, find the balance point of the game and restrict each other, so that no one dares to easily extend a black hand to harm others and benefit themselves. Each other will be afraid of the impulse to harm others and to dare not tear up the contract easily.
But then again, if in your heart, some people do not need a community of interests, nor do they need a balance point in the game, you do not care about each other's efforts, nor do you care about each other's returns. Then this article does not apply to you, because you have surpassed the boundaries of "friends", cherish each other.
Because, "true friend" is rare in life.
——Written on the high-speed rail from Chongqing to Wuhan
