"Mom, I want pizza!" "Grandma, I want Ultraman!" "Dad, I want to go to the amusement park!"...Is this a scene you are all too familiar with? How do you deal with such a scenario? Does the child accept it? Should we adults choose to pamper our children and satisfy them, or leave t

"Mom, I want pizza!"

"Grandma, I want Ultraman!"

"Dad, I want to go to the amusement park!"

...

Is this a scene you are all too familiar with? How do you deal with such a scenario? Does the child accept it? Should we adults choose to pamper our children and satisfy them, or leave them alone?

In the past, we have also seen some news or videos where children are rolling around on the ground seeking satisfaction, while parents stand aside and watch what happens. Is this the best solution?

Expert advice

Educator and psychologist Jane Nelson gave us a plan in "Positive Discipline for 3-6 Years Old". She pointed out that we should

provide limited choices and stick to it kindly but firmly. The book

mentions that some parents sometimes believe that giving their children what they want without burdening them with rules will show them that they are loved. But coddling is not the way to help children develop initiative—or any other valuable social or life skill. 's alternative to pampering is to offer limited choices and stick to them kindly but firmly. Limited choices are effective if they are relevant, respectful, and reasonable.

It can be seen that experts suggest that our approach is neither to pamper and satisfy, nor to ignore it.

At the same time, this method is worth digesting and understanding:

• The first step is: Provide limited choices
• The second step is: Execute and stick to it
• The method and attitude is: "Kindly but firmly"

The book gives us an example:

Elena's family went to the zoo with her neighbor's family. Elena wanted marshmallows, ice cream cones, and whatever she saw other kids eating. Dad told her to either have an ice cream cone or popcorn. Elena chose popcorn. Dad bought popcorn and told Elena that if she wanted any more snacks, she would go back to the car with him, where they would wait until the others finished visiting the zoo.

Halfway through eating popcorn, Elena saw a child holding an ice cream cone in his hand and started asking his father for it. Elena was determined: she emphasized her demand by throwing the remaining popcorn onto the road, scattering it all over the sidewalk. Dad calmly asked Elena if she wanted to hold his hand and go back to the car or let him carry her there (he decided to ignore the popcorn lying on the ground because a flock of pigeons was already taking care of the problem). When she refused to leave, her father picked her up and walked to the car. He didn't scold her, hit her, or remind her why they were leaving. He treated her with respect, and when she started crying about wanting to see the monkeys, he assured her that he was sure that next time she came to the zoo, Elena would make a better choice—and be able to see the monkeys.

Let me ask you, if your child scattered popcorn all over the ground in the park, how would you react?

What Elena's father did in this example is what the experts suggest we do. The most admirable aspects of this father's textbook approach are as follows:

• When the child wanted some snacks, the father did not directly satisfy the child, nor did he refuse bluntly. Instead, he let the child choose " Either an ice cream cone or popcorn ". This is to give the child a choice ; in addition, after buying the popcorn of the child's choice, tell the child "If she wants other snacks, she will go back to the car with him, and they will wait there until others finish visiting the zoo ". This is "restriction" . Therefore, the combination of these two steps is provides a limited choice .
• When Elena really couldn't resist the temptation, and asked her father for the same ice cream cone that other children were holding, and even threw the popcorn on the road resolutely, the father not only did not lose his temper, nor did he ignore the child, but calmly asked the child whether he should choose to hold his father's hand and walk to the car, or choose to let his father carry him back to the car - this is the "restrictive choice" in to implement the original agreement of .
• When a new situation arose - Elena refused to leave (she still wanted to see the monkeys), the father once again did not get angry, nor did he express silence, nor did he scold or hit the child. The father did not explain why he left, but picked up the child and walked back to the car - this is 's kind but firm persistence.
• At the same time, the choice given by Elena's father was reasonable and related to the child's expectations. It fully considered the child's demands. The final execution did not beat or scold the child and fully respected the child. So it's very effective.

Some parents may feel that the approach in the example means that the trip to the park was lost and the children did not see the monkey. Isn’t it a waste of time?

Jane Nelson also gave us an analysis:

Giving children a chance to try again is reasonable and encouraging. It’s unreasonable to say, “Because of this, I’ll never take you here—or anywhere else!” Most parents won't act on such a threat - it just teaches the child that it's OK to disregard rules and their own parents. Yes, missing family outings can be an inconvenience for you while exercising kind but firm persistence. You also have a choice. Which is more important, family outings, or your child developing self-esteem, initiative, and confidence by learning appropriate social skills? When you follow through in a kind but firm way, you won't miss as many family outings as you did when your children didn't know you meant what you said and would follow through. Of course, staying the course requires adults to think carefully before speaking. If you can't do it, don't say it!

Author summary

This example is very close to our real life. We will also encounter many similar situations: children blindly express their demands and forget about agreed things, leaving adults speechless. This really tests the patience of us adults, which is why parents also need to learn and control their emotions. At the same time, we need to know that children’s brains are not fully developed yet and they are easily tempted, so they need adults’ tolerance and patient guidance.

Learn the methods in this article and become a parent who loves your children with warmth, thoughtfulness and methods!