article | Dianma
This article was first published by Xiaoshidian
Hello everyone, I am Dianma.
received a letter from a user’s mother in the background a few days ago.
The letter said:
My daughter, who is in the second grade of junior high school, has recently become very close to a poor student. She often skips classes and smokes, which affects her study.
I stopped them from interacting with each other, but my daughter didn’t listen. She even had a big fight with me and ignored me for several days.
This mother is very troubled: How can I make my daughter listen to me?
As a mother, I understand this user's mood very well.
Indeed, parents want their children to be friends with classmates who have excellent grades.
As children grow up, they become more and more independent. Too much interference from parents will not only fail to solve the problem, but will also damage the parent-child relationship.
So should children be allowed to associate with poor students?
What should parents say so that their children will listen?
This is how Mom sees it.
Respecting children is the prerequisite for making children "obedient"
I often hear many mothers complain:
I do it for his own good, but he just doesn't listen!
There are very few parents in the world who don’t love their children. But parents do everything and ignore their children as independent individuals, which is causing trouble for the parent-child relationship.
In 2018, Peking University student Wang Meng sent a long letter of 10,000 words to accuse his parents:
Almost all of his friends are those whom they know, understand or I have heard about it;
Almost all the clothes are purchased according to their wishes and aesthetics;
I finally went abroad, and I had to ask my friends abroad to "take care of" me.
In the end, he couldn't bear it and broke up with his parents.
Of course, this is just an extreme case.
However, it is not uncommon in reality for parents to interfere excessively with their children, leading to rifts in the parent-child relationship.
Do you still remember Tu Sirui from "Youth Talk"?
, a junior high school girl, especially likes writing novels and has written 56 novels in her spare time.
But when her father found out, he thought it would affect her study and tore up all 56 novels.
The girl cried and said:
I felt like I had lost my soul during that time.
You can imagine how deeply this father hurt his daughter.
This kind of harm is like a brand, which will always be engraved on the daughter's heart and become an irreparable rift in the relationship between father and daughter.
and the mother at the beginning of the article.
What she considers is reality, but what the child wants is to be respected and understood.
Rough interference will only push the child further and further away. In the future, the child will habitually rebel against whatever the parents say.
Similar mistakes were made once by Dianma.
When Chuanchuan was three years old, his good friend Lele caught a cold.
At 3 o'clock, my mother was worried that Chuanchuan would be infected, so she said to him before going out in the morning: "Don't play with Lele these days."
When I came home in the evening, I found that Chuanchuan was not so close to me, and even got angry.
After asking for a long time, Chuanchuan said:
My good friend is sick and he is feeling very uncomfortable, but you don’t allow me to accompany him. I am very unhappy.
Only then did I realize that many of the things we do for our children have good intentions, but we do not respect their opinions.
Since then, I will ask Chuanchuan what he thinks about many things.
When we disagree, we negotiate together and each takes a step back. Or agree to let each other take turns.
Because he is fully respected, Chuanchuan has always been a relatively "obedient" child.
Educator Ushinsky said:
If educators want to educate people from all aspects, they must understand people from all aspects.
Real education starts with listening and respecting.
If you want your children to "listen" to you, you must first listen to your children.
Only by respecting children can we get closer to them and open a bridge of healthy communication.
Only your words will make your children willing to listen.
Children with poor grades also have many excellent qualities
Seeing this, many mothers may wonder: Should we just let our children mix with poor students?
Mom suggested that parents ask their children: What is it about your friend that attracts you?
I believe that children will list many shining points of this "poor student":
Kindness, righteousness, broad-minded, easy to get along with, artistic talent, skateboarding is very smooth...
Different from the pragmatism of adults, children will like some "problem friends" because they have advantages that they appreciate or do not have.
On the one hand, they are in the stage of self-exploration and like to make various friends to find their own interests and preferences.
On the other hand, they will also be attracted to people with different personalities and desire to have those advantages themselves.
A Zhihu netizen said:
I am a top student, but I still like to play with students with poor grades. I feel very comfortable.
netizen @ Chase Dream also said:
There is a lot worth learning from them.
The daughter of a mother in our editorial department often associates with some classmates who have poor grades. After
communicated with her daughter, she found that these children had one thing in common: was optimistic, humorous, and good at communication.
My daughter has been introverted and shy since she was a child. She feels particularly relaxed when getting along with these carefree friends.
Thinking back to when we were at this age, we also had some friends who had poor grades but were very interesting.
When my mother was in junior high school, she would also associate with some so-called "little girls".
They are full of ideas and generous, which makes me, a good girl, particularly envious.
At that time, my mother was a cadre on duty, and every time I encountered some troublemakers, they would help me yell.
We often have dinner dates after work. When I encounter difficulties in life and work, they will help me.
For this, I am very grateful to my parents: if they had objected at the time, I would have lost these good friends.
John Townsend wrote in the book "Setting Boundaries for Teenagers":
Your children can distinguish the "good" mixed in the "bad". He cherishes the good qualities he sees, while his parents only worry about the negative impact his friends' shortcomings may have.
Yes, making friends is a very important learning.
It not only teaches children to get along with different people, but also cultivates the ability to recognize people and choose friends.
Requiring children to associate with only one type of friends deprives them of this precious learning opportunity.
The way of protecting children by placing them in a vacuum is "harm" rather than "love".
Help children establish their own boundaries in making friends
Of course, many mothers still have concerns:
Children with poor grades will have some bad habits, such as truancy and skipping school. Will these not affect my child?
Parents really need to pay more attention to this.
Observe your children's learning and living conditions on weekdays to determine whether there are real problems.
If the child is emotionally stable and has no learning or interpersonal problems, then congratulations.
This shows that your child can "carry things clearly" and has not been negatively affected by friends.
But if the child regresses in learning and exhibits some negative behaviors, parents must take some action.
In this case, Dian Ma suggests that parents often talk to their children about their friends.
Tell your child what you saw: the bad changes that have taken place since he started hanging out with this friend.
Analyze with your children what aspects of this friend are worth admiring and what aspects cannot be imitated.
suggests that children interact with each other selectively.
You can appreciate the other person's good qualities, but you don't have to follow his bad behavior.
The cousin of a colleague in our editorial department is a sophomore in high school this year.
He has many friends, including some poor students who fall asleep in class and make cheat sheets for homework.
In his spare time, his cousin often plays ball with them.
But during study time, he would refuse all invitations from these friends. They skipped school and their cousin never participated.
Over time, these friends all know the boundaries of their cousin and are willing to leave him enough space for him to learn.
Respecting each other's differences and not exceeding each other's boundaries are true friends.
Indeed, sooner or later, children must learn to establish their own boundaries in interpersonal interactions.
Instead of waiting for the children to go out into the society and then explore and hit the wall.
It is better to teach children in advance to distinguish right from wrong, establish boundaries, and say "no" to the negative influence of friends.
Gibran wrote in the poem "Children":
Your children are not your children,
but the children that "life" desires for itself.
They came through you, but not from you.
Although they are with you, they do not belong to you.
What you can give them is your love, not your thoughts,
because they have their own thoughts.
Children are immature, but they are still independent individuals.
What parents can do is to give their children enough room for trial and error.
helps them to walk steadily on the road of life despite stumbling, and finally enter the adult world.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-