A while ago, I received a message asking for help from a sister.
’s daughter’s character is too weak! In order to please her friends, she would rather wrong herself.
For example, if she is playing with a toy and a good friend wants to play with it, she will let someone else play with it first. After the other person has had enough of playing with it and throws it aside, she will go over to pick it up and play with it herself.
The old mother was heartbroken when she saw this scene!
My grandma often says that our child suffers a lot with such a personality! When she goes to the amusement park to play, she always likes to serve others and help others push the swings.
The sisters tried various methods to guide their children, but in the end nothing worked.
She asked me, how can I make my child’s character more “tough”? I don't want her to become a pleaser.
Hey, do you know? The mother of the child, who has a tough personality, is also worried! I just received a message last week and this is what she said.
’s daughter’s character is too strong! She has a good friend, Little A, who has a very docile personality. Sometimes when her daughter doesn’t bring a skirt in the afternoon, she will ask A to also wear pants with her.
Although A did not express any grievance or feel anything bad, she thought her daughter was selfish in doing so.
She told her daughter that everyone has their own ideas, and you can't ask others to do something, otherwise others will be unhappy.
But my daughter couldn’t listen at all.
She asked me, how can I make my baby’s character less strong? doesn't want her to become a self-centered person.
This character has two kinds of worries, one positive and one negative. What do you think after seeing this?
1. One sentence solves 80% of the problem.
Bibing is a slow-warming and introverted child. I am tired of saying this.
When she went to kindergarten in the first year, the kindergarten teacher told me that when the toy was taken away from Pancake’s hand, she didn’t cry or yell, she just kept an eye on where the toy was going to see when the toy stopped playing, and she would take it back to play with.
When I heard this, I felt very uncomfortable. I felt so pitiful!
The teacher heard the sound of my heart breaking, and she said: You don’t need to put your own feelings on the children.
This sentence solved 80% of my frustrations with her on social media.
If you see your child being robbed of toys and don't fight back, or if you give your beloved toys to others first, you must feel uncomfortable. If you feel that your child has been bullied and you still don't say a word, you must be suffering from huge grievances.
In fact, these "bearing the humiliation and bearing the burden" are often things adults put on their children.
Children who are one or two years old do not fight back because their awareness of property rights has not yet been formed. What's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours.
If a two- or three-year-old child does not fight back, it may be that this thing is not that important to him. Just take it away if you want. Just don’t take away things that are important to me.
Four or five-year-old children don’t fight back because they are smart and the other person is tall and powerful. I should give in now and take it back when I see the opportunity! If you just go up and fight hard regardless of the situation, wouldn't that be heartless?
Another possibility is that the incident happened so suddenly that they were completely confused and did not react.
No matter what kind of psychological activity, their attention is on the toy, and what they are thinking about is how to get it back, rather than the "submission" and "please" that adults think about. On the other hand, children's "strength" and "selfishness" are often misunderstandings of adults.
"One person is not wearing a skirt, and the other person is wearing pants." Whether this is the deep sisterly love or the strong selfishness, it doesn't matter what you say, or what the other person's mother says, you have to ask what Little A thinks.
I can imagine that for a five or six-year-old girl, having a friendship of "I will wear pants with you" makes them much happier than "wearing a skirt"!
Just like you said, Little A didn’t feel wronged or that it was bad, but the two adults couldn’t help but have random thoughts.
When adults put their own feelings into their children's, they will feel that of course she wants to wear a skirt more, of course she doesn't want to be asked to wear anything by others, and of course she feels aggrieved.
But for children, compared with friendship, this little thing is not a grievance at all.
2. What is the standard for "suffering"
After raising children, I have a deep understanding that children are more tolerant than adults. For the same thing, adults feel that they are at a disadvantage, but children feel that it doesn't matter.
For example, the message at the beginning said that my grandma felt that the baby always "served" others, pushing swings and things like that for others. This is a typical "disadvantage of adult thinking". We think that sitting on the swing is enjoyment, and pushing the swing is labor. How comfortable it is to sit, but how tiring it is to push! But the baby doesn’t think that way, or in other words, the baby doesn’t have to think the same as we do.
According to my observation, most children think that sitting on the swing and pushing the swing are just fun, and they are very happy.
I have seen this scene several times in the playground. Both children wanted to play on the swing first. It was impossible to say who got there first. They argued for a long time. In the end, the two hit it off, one pushed and the other swing, and the conflict was resolved.
The adult next to me couldn't understand. Didn't the kid who pushed him feel that he was at a disadvantage? !
No, children think that pushing the swing is also playing on the swing, and no one loses or takes advantage. Many children even prefer pushing the swing.
It doesn’t matter whether you feel “suffering”. What matters is how the child felt when doing this, and whether the child felt aggrieved.
Only a child can give the answers to these questions.
3. Avoid the "pleasant type" and stick to two principles.
Specifically, which two principles are these, let me tell you with a real person's story. I took Bibing to a neighbor’s house to play. She had a boy who was over 3 years old. The boy wanted to play a fireman game with Pancake, so without saying a word, he handed her a fireman hose toy. When the pie was not picked up, she said, I don’t want to play. He handed Pancake a toy fireman's helmet.
My neighbor whispered to me, "Oh my god, he really loves Pancake. No one but him can wear this helmet. The last time a child came here and wore his helmet, he actually bit someone!"
Although, Bibing still didn't appreciate it. She said, I don't like it, I won't wear it. The 3-year-old boy didn't understand this scene, so he put the helmet on the pie's head with his backhand.
pie pie is popular. She took off her helmet, gave it to him, raised her voice and said, I told you twice! I don't like playing fireman!
The boy was so aggrieved that he almost cried. How can
not feel aggrieved! He just wants to show his kindness. A 3-year-old child doesn't understand. I give you my most beloved thing. How can you not like it?
Pie Pian is also very aggrieved. I said I didn’t like it, twice! It's annoying enough that you put a helmet on my head!
The two kids looked at each other, then both turned to look at me.
Originally, I just wanted to be a quiet and beautiful woman watching the excitement, but now I have to speak.
I said to the boy:
Thank you for the firefighter helmet. Your mother said this is your baby! ( affirms the boy's kindness )
However, she really doesn't seem to like playing fireman. ( emphasizes the feelings of the pie )
She doesn’t like it, and I really can’t help it. ( I can’t control her feelings )
I asked Bibing again, if you don’t like to play with firefighters, what do you like to play with?
Pie Pian said with bright eyes, "Play the police!" I love playing cops!
I asked the boy, do you want to play the police?
The boy said categorically, I don’t want to! I just want to play fireman!
. . . . . . .
Fortunately, the neighbor came to the rescue and said, did you know that when there is a fire, the police and firefighters often go out at the same time! You two are a firefighter and a policeman, perfect!
The two kids acted out the script with smiles on their faces. (It’s also easy to coax)
I told my neighbor that I don’t know what happened to her today. She usually likes firefighters, but has no interest in police officers and the like. I can’t understand this operation.
That’s what I said, but I actually knew in my heart that what made Pancake angry was not the fireman game, but the fact that the boy didn’t take her rejection seriously.
Because I usually instill two principles with her -
If you like it, you like it, and if you don't like it, you don't like it.
Your feelings matter, and your rejection should be taken seriously.
If you grasp these two principles, no matter how "wilt" your personality is, it will not be easy to become a people-pleasing type.
4. Sudden ending
Sometimes I feel that a child’s personality is probably the most difficult thing to satisfy parents.
It's not good to be too wiry, and it's not good to be too hard. It seems that few people think that their child's personality is "just right". Everyone thinks that their child's personality should be changed in some way.
Do you think there is a possibility that we should change something?
文/Daisy
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