How important is the cultivation of children’s personality? In many cases, it may have a greater impact than ability.
. Parents are the main influencers of the formation of children's personality and character. The words and deeds of parents will affect their children subtly, which is a potential important factor that causes the gap between children.
At the beginning of the birth of a child, the sounds of crying sounds are all wow. No child will call him mom and dad on the first day, and there is no essential gap between most children.
But later, as the child grew up, the gap slowly began to widen.
As the gap continues to grow, many parents are increasingly anxious.
Especially those parents who have invested a lot in their children but have not seen any profits, their mentality is even more unbalanced: they force their children to do questions and spend so much money to sign up for various online and offline cram schools, why don’t they see miracles happening to their children?
In fact, countless educational practices have proved that what really widens the gap between children is not the questions and cram schools, but the correct family education .
01 Passing expectations and love to children, instead of easily denying and suppressing
In educating children, many parents will do things that go against their original intention of education.
For example, even though I clearly admire my child, my words become accusing the child.
Just like recently, a child with a final score of 99 was exposed online, the collapse was mainly because his parents kept asking why the 1 point was lost. The child's score of 99 points is obviously a very good score, but in the eyes of parents, it is not worth mentioning. They only see the lost 1 point, but do not see the child's efforts.
The efforts made by children are not recognized by their parents, and they will naturally suffer mentally.
The famous American psychologist Rosenthal Once conducted an experiment:
He randomly divided a group of mice into two groups AB, and then told the breeder of Group A: The mice in this group are very smart. At the same time, he told the breeder in Group B that the mice in this group are of average intelligence.
A few months later, Rosenthal conducted a test on the mice in these two groups of mice through the maze and found that the mice in Group A were actually smarter than the mice in Group B. They could get out of the maze first and find food.
Inspired by Rosenthal decided to conduct this psychology experiment among the student population. He came to an ordinary middle school, walked around a class, and then circled 18 people on the student roster, and told their teachers: The IQs of these 18 students were very high.
After a long time, a miracle happened, and the eighteen randomly selected students really became the best in the class.
Can we get some inspiration from this research result? In my opinion, this is a psychological positive hint, and we can completely apply this psychological effect to children.
Parents with educational wisdom should pass on expectations and love to their children, rather than easily denying and suppressing them. "I believe you can do it!" When you are full of expectations and trust in your children, your children will come in the direction you are looking forward to.
02 Often positive and positive evaluations of children
Many parents often come up with a few catchphrases from their mouths when their children cannot meet their requirements, such as the child, "You are so stupid!" "Why are you so bad!" "If you do this again, I will ignore you!" "Look at a certain classmate in your class, he is much better than you..." ""
Even these words are just parents' unintentional actions or their regrets are not strong enough. , but the result is that it causes great harm to the children.
Many parents may not realize that before the children are ten years old, their self-esteem, self-confidence and value will have a profound impact on the people around them.
In other words, what kind of labels are placed on their children, over time, the children may really become the kind of labels they say. Parents are the ones that have the greatest impact on their children among the people around them.
So, we need to change our way of thinking. If we want our children to become, we will try our best to encourage and believe that children will become such people in this regard.
When children are in positive and positive evaluations for a long time, their self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of value will be formed unconsciously.
03 Cultivating children's interest in learning and their ability to learn for life is more important than grades
For children, academic performance is very important, which is an indisputable fact, but if compared with the stimulation of learning interest and the cultivation of lifelong learning ability, academic performance is obviously not the focus of our most attention.
The reason is actually very simple. A person who is full of interest in learning and a person who has lifelong learning will naturally have excellent academic performance.
If we pay too much attention to our children's academic performance and ignore the cultivation of our children's learning interest and lifelong learning ability, our academic performance will not be able to improve in the end.
Whether it is to stimulate learning interest or cultivate lifelong learning ability, they are all internal motivations, which have the potential for sustainable development.
The timeliness of external learning motivation are usually very short. For example, children only pursue grades for some material rewards, and do not have the potential to develop in a sustainable manner.
It is obvious that cultivating children's interest in learning and their ability to learn for life is more important than academic performance.
Psychologist Desi once told a story:
A group of children were playing in front of an old man’s house. The sound was very noisy and the old man could not bear it. It was useless to rush it several times at the beginning. So one day, he gave each child 10 cents and said to them, "Thank you for coming here to accompany me, I'm very lively here."
The children were very happy, and the next day they continued to make noise, and the old man continued to give each child 5 cents.
On the third day, the old man only gave each child 2 cents. The children were furious: "It's only 2 cents. Do you know how hard we work, and we will never play for you again!"
It is not difficult for everyone to find out from this story that the children were originally "playing for their own happiness", which is an internal motivation, so the old man couldn't drive away the children at the beginning. However, through the method of money reward, the elderly suddenly turned this original internal motivation into external motivation. The purpose of children's play now is no longer "playing for their own happiness", but to get a reward of money. Once the money reward does not achieve their goals, the children will quit.
Similarly, if we do not focus on the internal motivations such as children's learning interests and learning abilities, but focus on rewarding children's grades, it may go against our wishes. For example, we say to our children: "If you can get 100 points this time, you will be rewarded with 100 yuan at home." "If you can get the first place in the class, you will be rewarded with a mobile phone at home." And so on. This inappropriate reward mechanism of
will polish the child's interest in learning little by little.
Of course, if the child does make great progress, parents cannot be rewarded. For younger children, they can focus on material rewards and provide some things that are helpful to their studies, such as books, school supplies, etc.; for older children, they can focus on spiritual rewards, mainly satisfying their children's sense of value and sense of accomplishment.
04 To educate children, we should pay attention to psychological strategies
To educate children, we should pay attention to psychological strategies. We can start with a life phenomenon.
For example, if you buy a pound of candies, you will have different psychological feelings. If the owner catches a large handful first and then takes it away slowly, we may feel a little bit of a loss when we look at it. On the contrary, if the owner catches a small handful first and then adds it little by little, we may feel a little bit of advantage in our hearts at this moment.
Although I bought the same amount of candies in the end, my psychological feelings are completely different. This is the "adding and decreasing effect" in psychology.
Similarly, when we educate our children, we cannot praise and then criticize them first, but should first talk about some small issues that do not harm the child's self-esteem, and then give appropriate praise, so that children will be more likely to accept.
05 Love and respect for children are unconditional
Parental love should be unconditional, and respect for children should also be unconditional.
We should not love the child because he is obedient, nor appreciate the child because he has achieved certain grades, nor do we should beat and scold the child just because he does not fulfill our wishes.
06 Don’t hold on to the same mistakes of your children and don’t let them go
When your children make mistakes, many parents will criticize the same thing once, twice, or even multiple times.
The consequences of parents holding on to their children's same mistakes will cause the children to develop from guilt and uneasiness at the beginning to impatientness, and finally the rebellious mentality of "I insist on doing this".
If we think that our children’s mistakes are not light and need to be educated again, then we’d better change the perspective and put it another way, rather than just keeping the same mistakes at the same mistakes.
Conclusion
A good pair of parents is better than 100 good teachers.
The child’s personality, character and self-discipline are ultimately influenced by his parents.
The length of education is not determined by the length of time, but depends on whether parents are attentive in educating their children, whether they understand education, whether they can reflect on it, etc.
When a bird has a pair of powerful wings, it can naturally fight in the sky. By the same token, when children have good character and self-discipline, they will naturally grow into what they want.
May every child grow powerful wings to fight in the sky!
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