Most parents are "a stingy mouth, a tofu heart". says the most hurtful words, but in his heart he hopes that his children will live a better life than anyone else.
We stubbornly believe that it’s nothing to be strict with children, and when she grows up, she will naturally understand her parents. Even if sometimes I realize that my words will hurt my children, I often comfort myself: I have no malice, it’s for the good of my children! So, said harsh words over and over again, making it more heartbreaking than .
However, just like Huang Zhizhong said: Chinese parents are waiting for their children to be grateful for their children, while Chinese children are waiting for their parents to apologize for their whole lives. 's heart-wrenching words may stimulate children's efforts, but the harm they cause is also unpredictable.
The book "The Language of Parents" mentions: Language is a powerful medium. Once this medium is used in the wrong way, it will become a sharp sword and penetrate the child's key points. Therefore, even if you get angry, you cannot say some words to your children casually.
People's Daily summarized this and selected the 8 sentences that hurt the children the most. It is recommended that parents come and see if you often talk about them?
idiot, useless thing!
often hear parents say similar things around you, and I feel a little disappointed. But do you know? When children hear this, they will unconsciously bring themselves into the label of "stupid".
psychology has a " tag effect ". It says that when a person is labeled with a word name, he will make corresponding self-impression management to make his behavior consistent with the content of the tag.
Simply put, if doesn’t want the child to really become a “stupid”, don’t use similar words frequently, look at the child with appreciation, and tells the child loudly: You are not stupid at all!
Stop it! Why are you just disobedient
When your parents say: Why are you just disobedient ?
actually wants to express: You want to listen to me, I have experience in this matter.
But the child's understanding is: I can't have my own ideas .
You see, children and parents are not on the same frequency at all, and conflicts will inevitably arise.
Parents are also very conflicted. While we ask our children to be a "obedient" good child, we also hope that their children can have their own opinions and become independent. I want to occupy both ends of the scale, and I am a little too greedy.
Children have their own lives, and their future paths must have their own values. Therefore, the People's Daily suggested: Give your children some space as much as possible and give them the right to argue, so that they can exercise their ability to be independent.
I said it wouldn't work, but it wouldn't work, but it wouldn't work,
In the parent-child relationship, the child is naturally at a disadvantage, and we always tell him: If I said it wouldn't work, but it wouldn't work!
is actually just relying on the authority of parents to impose their own ideas on their children. Little do you know that the long-term pressure on will only stimulate the child's rebellious psychology.
Have you noticed that the more you don’t let the child do anything, the more vigorously the child will do it. doesn't let him watch TV, so he can watch it all the time; if he doesn't let him play games, so he can play it at any time; this is the child's rebellious psychology. In fact, it’s not just children, but adults are the same?
There is a famous psychological experiment called " Don't think about that pink elephant ". Participants were asked not to think about a "pink elephant", but few people in succeeded in . This means that the more you emphasize "no" or "no", the easier it is to arouse resistance in your brain. So, when there is a disagreement with the child, instead of imposing interference, it is better to listen to the child’s thoughts patiently
I will never care about you anymore
Parents and children are a "power battle" that has no end. When I was a child, my child wanted to learn roller skating , and my parents thought it was meaningful to draw. Gradually, my children began to pay attention to clothing matching, and my parents thought it was wasting time. When I grew up, my children wanted to go to school outside, but my parents felt it was more convenient to stay by my side...There are many similar examples of
. Fan Deng told a story: There was a child who committed suicide by entering Peking University . In his suicide note, he said: I have already been admitted to Peking University for you. Please don’t bother me again, don’t transport my body back, I hate that place.
The child does not understand why parents always force them to do things they don’t like and communicate in a threatening way. This method will only make the child more disgusted.
scores 100 points, I will buy it for you...
This is the most commonly used reward speech by parents. We are particularly good at using some material rewards to stimulate children's desire to learn.
But psychologists Robert Yarkes and John Dodson have long used experiments to prove that the degree of material motivation in is in an "inverted U-shaped relationship" with human performance.
When the reward is one level at , material can indeed promote children to learn . However, after reaches the critical point, the child's "reward threshold" will become very high, and "over-motivation" will hinder the child's learning.
Learning is the child’s own business. “Learning well” itself is the biggest reward. There is no need for parents to introduce the reward to other materials, otherwise what is most hurt is the child’s internal motivation.
has no future, pick up rags in the future
How many children have been educated since childhood: If you don’t study hard, you can only pick up trash.
Not to mention it, how many children who are not good at studying really pick up garbage. It is really doubtful to say whether this "humiliational" education can really play a role in promoting it.
Children's behavior researchers found that children may be temporarily forced to compromise with reality after being humiliated or threatened, but this experience will reduce the child's feelings and make the child more repelled from forced behavior in his heart.
Parents’ original intention is to let their children study hard, but they do not know the consequences of "learning" and "picking up garbage": they will only make children regard learning as a chore, which will not only destroy the child's internal motivation, but will also make children less interested in learning.
did something wrong again, it’s so stupid!
"Don't do homework, mother is kind and filial to the child, once you do homework, you will be in chaos" This is a true portrayal of most families. The most troublesome thing about parents is that they have clearly explained it several times, but they still have to do the test again, so what they say most when tutoring homework is: Why did you do it wrong again? It’s so stupid!
But do you know? In his book "Exam Brain Science", the famous Japanese brain scientist Yuji Iketani mentioned that memory is a key factor affecting children's learning, and memory is closely related to hippocampus in the brain . When the child is under high pressure, the hippocampus will strike, which is why the more you slap the table, the less you can remember it.
Education is to loosen rather than block. What we need to do is not to let the child lose the opportunity to try and make mistakes, but to encourage him to continue trying after failing. Rather than saying "I did something wrong again, I'm so stupid!", might as well try "You have eliminated a possible error, try again!"
is the same, why are you not as good as others!
Everyone has an insurmountable "other people's children" when they were young. Most parents like to motivate their children with other people's excellent children. They firmly believe: They are all the same, how can they be inferior to others?
But the truth is that there is no completely "same child" in the world . Blindly using high standards to demand children will only make them "acquired helpless", and will instead prompt the children to have the idea of "breaking the jar". Children subconsciously think that no matter how they do, they are inferior to others. So what if they are not bad?
When the child gets negative feedback from his parents, he is easily unconfident and timid, and finally refuses to try again.
at the end: Parents always underestimate the harm they cause to their children, but overestimate their children's ability to heal wounds. A survey of found that most of the psychological problems of adults come from verbal harm from their parents when they were young.
Raising children is not an easy task. There are inevitably punishments and scoldings in the process of educating children, but we must also pay attention to our words. The lethality of the above 8 sentences exceeds our imagination.
If you often talk about it, then try to forget them from now on. Please remember: The knife mouth does not have a tofu heart, and the knife mouth is the knife heart!
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