Nowadays, parents are paying more and more attention to scientific parenting, and are willing to take time to learn parenting knowledge and theories. "Unconditional love", the word "unconditional love", I believe most parents are familiar with it. Now, if you open a parenting book, you will basically mention this word.
Someone said, "I don't believe that someone can love his children unconditionally."
This is indeed difficult, because unconditional love and acceptance are not easy, and everyone has their own "subconscious impulse".
Which mother is not a mother who wants to give up countless times in a day and shout "I'm quit!" and then leave;
Which mother who is not a mother who is not a mother who is yelling at the baby in the last second, and the next second she sees the baby's sweet sleeping face and loves it so much that she can't extricate herself.
If we are asked to keep our love full of love no matter when and whenever we are in the situation, wouldn’t it force us to act and live a “fake life”?
In my opinion, "unconditional love" is more like an ideal state. We can work hard to get closer to this goal, but if we use it as a benchmark for mothers in daily life, it may add more anxiety.
We should dig out our love for our children every day, just because of their existence, not about some of their performance.
What is unconditional love?
If you have to trace the root of unconditional love, you can attribute it to the American humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers " unconditional active attention to ".
may be to make it easier for people to accept this view conceptually, or to think that the word "love" full of emotion is more sensational than the neutral "attention". In order to briefly adjust "unconditional positive attention" to "unconditional love".
Carl Rogers' original intention is to parents try to consciously reduce the input and control of children with their own value judgments, so that children's true preferences and feelings are consistent with their personal experience, and give them the greatest freedom and acceptance, thereby promoting the establishment of their healthy personality and the achievement of self-realization.
I have a best friend who is very beautiful, but he doesn't dress up at all. He will always be a gray dress for winter. When she usually sees beautiful clothes when shopping together, she will shine and like them very much, but she never try them on them. She always puts them down again and again. She obviously has enough financial conditions to take on them.
Later we learned that it was because her mother thought she was too beautiful since she was a child. She was afraid that she would be unsafe, so she kept telling her that "girls who love to dress up are not serious, no one can respect them, and only simple girls will like them!" She was also controlled by her mother's value judgment and lived a "graceful" person!
In fact, Carl Rogers' "unconditional positive attention" and the unconditional love for children remind us: If a girl is too beautiful, mothers can protect her more and teach her more safety knowledge to protect herself.
If you don’t have the money to buy new clothes for her, you can tell her frankly that your mother has no money, but we can try to wear old clothes neatly. It is normal for girls to love beauty, and everyone also likes good-looking people. When your mother has the financial ability, she will definitely buy you beautiful clothes. And when you grow up and work hard to make money, you can dress yourself up beautifully.
In this way, the true preferences and feelings of children are consistent with their personal experience and do not separate them. Only by forming a healthy personality and a complete self can a person maintain the luster of growth.
9 9 moments of an ordinary child being loved unconditionally
Every day, you should dig out your love for your children simply because of their existence, not about some of their performance.
And this kind of love must be expressed. When guiding or educating children, you must distinguish things from the children themselves, which will make the children more clear and correct themselves, and can also allow the children to accept the respect and love of their parents.
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✖ The child swears, beating and scolding the child to show outsiders for the sake of face
✔ The child swears, you did not scold him, but told the child that if he expressed that he was angry, he could say it directly
✖ The teacher criticized my child again, and I did not teach the child well
✖ The teacher criticized my child again, and I have to encourage him
✖ The child will not change his teachings again, and he must have done it on purpose! How could I give birth to such a child
✔ The child has not changed after repeated teaching. He must have encountered difficulties. How can I help him?
✖ My child is very outstanding, he must be very rich when he grows up
✖ My child is not necessarily excellent, but he will have a lot of love
✖ Study hard, strive to be a top student
✔ Living hard, strive to be a child who loves learning and life
✖ It is no worse than others, and become a good
✖ I don’t reject the child very much, because I love him too much
✔ I’m not afraid to reject the child, because love has a boundary
✖ The child is disobedient, so just talk to him well
✔ Children don’t have to be too obedient, it’s important to listen to him
✖ For the child, I can give everything
✔ For the child, I want to be a better self
Unconditional love, start with loving yourself!
If you think the above are difficult to do, the reason is not because of the children, but because you cannot love yourself unconditionally!
Our relationship with the outside world is essentially a projection of our relationship with ourselves.
So, unconditional love, needs to start by improving one's attitude towards oneself and improving one's relationship.
People who are dissatisfied with themselves will pretend to love their children, project anxiety onto their children, and enter the role of savior in a self-sacrifice manner.
However, this cannot really save the child, it is just realizing your sense of control.
Children need to grow up, and growth requires a lot of inner strength.
Constantly projecting anxiety and dissatisfaction on children will deprive the child of their inner strength and constantly create such a voice in their hearts: I am not good, I am too bad.
If the voice of self-judgment is too firm, formed for a long time, and becomes a fixed pattern, it is not easy to change yourself. We may start with such a small thing:
I have done well enough.
He did that because he was still a child
Children need love, especially when they seem to be the least worthy of love.
My kids will be fine and they need me even though I am not a perfect mother.
makes changes in a healthy way, experience a sense of accomplishment, and become your own best version!
Finally, there is a must-have article for self-pleasing:
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[Beautiful articles that you must recite by yourself·Miss understand]
See through yourself and still love yourself.
knows your shortcomings, weaknesses, and even dark sides, and still loves yourself firmly.
No matter how bad you are or how big the mistake you make, no matter how tall, fat, thin, beautiful and ugly, they are unique in the whole world.
My goodness, my badness, I will accept everything.
I will never resist, be angry, or argue because it is indeed me.
I accept my true self, no longer twist with myself, no longer compete with the whole world.
Tips: memorize in the mirror, and the effect is better
Parenting is actually a process of constantly seeing oneself.
The conditions we dopant in love are all projections that we ourselves lack. The moment when we truly untie our hearts and reconcile ourselves is the moment we are closest to the essence of love.
Perhaps we cannot achieve "unconditional love" at this moment, but at least, we can no longer use those "conditions" that obviously lose boundaries to "kidnap" children, so that they can "subjugate" because of fear and panic.
Only when children have felt "unconditionally loved" since childhood, will their hearts become more and more brave and stronger.
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