text/Xiaofan Emotion
In the hotel, Tang Xiaoyun held a wine glass to wish his mother a 50th birthday, as blessed as East China Sea , and longevity is greater than that of the South Mountain!
The mother announced in public that there were two happy events at home, one was his own birthday, and the other was that his son would become a regular tomorrow. She said that the company where her son works is a top foreign company. My son has led the team independently. Tang's mother was pride and proud in her words.
was admitted to a well-known foreign company as soon as he graduated and also led a team independently. Everyone on the field was envious. For a time, the atmosphere was extremely warm by relatives and friends' flattery of mother and son. Everyone praised Tang Xiaoyun's mother for her good education.
Tang Xiaoyun stood up and said:
Mom, I have achieved some small achievements today, and you have worked hard to cultivate me over the years. Mom, thank you for your hard work.
Seeing that his son is so outstanding and knows how grateful, the guests praised him for his sensibility.
People are afraid of comparison. Tang Xiaoyun's aunt saw that her nephew was so outstanding and taught her son Xiaorui to learn from her cousin. Xiaorui said unconvincedly, why don’t you learn from your aunt?
Tang's mother saw that her nephew was rude and asked him to apologize to her brother-in-law.
Do you know why your brother can become a talent? No matter big or small, you have to follow the rules. Without rules, there is no order. Take this meal as an example. Every time I go out to eat, no matter what kind of dishes there are on this table, he must eat all these dishes. This will ensure balanced nutrition. Your brother is the same today, haven’t you noticed it?
Xiao Rui said dissatisfiedly: Can't eat according to his preferences, will that person become a robot?
Tang Xiaoyun refuted his cousin:
People eat not for their own preferences, but for better nourishment. There is nothing wrong with your parents' words, every word is for your own good.
Tang’s mother was very satisfied with her son’s answer. She pursed her lips, but the smile on her face could not be hidden.
The son is excellent and sensible, and is the pride of every parent. Tang's mother thought that her years of hard work finally saw the dawn, and she felt mixed emotions. However, she dreamed that her fiftieth birthday would become her last birthday in her life.
She didn't expect that she would just say in public at the banquet that she was the son of a good mother and would attack her in an instant. What she couldn't close her eyes until she died was that the weapon her son smashed her was actually her pride. Her baby son smashed her a lot with the trophy she was proud of.
Tang's mother didn't know until she died. It was her words in public that accelerated her death.
People have commented on the internal causes of this tragedy.
Some people say that because the mother is too strict with her son, the son has been psychologically distorted under the mother's mental manipulation for a long time.
There are already many articles about this type of articles online. Today I want to talk about the serious consequences of emotional dislocation between parents and children in the family.
In a family, parents are elders and children are juniors. Parents have obligations to raise and teach their children. This kind of teaching has boundaries. If parents do not abide by this boundary, they will misplace their feelings for their children according to their own logic.
Speaking of the sense of boundaries, it is a word that has been frequently mentioned in recent years. Whether in the family or among friends and colleagues, everyone should abide by certain rules, that is, maintain a certain sense of boundaries. Once this boundary is lost, many unnecessary contradictions will arise. For example, if the mother-in-law or mother-in-law is excessively interfering in small families, it leads to constant conflicts among the children. For example, married people should maintain a certain sense of boundaries with the opposite sex. Otherwise, it will also cause a lot of conflicts, and in serious cases, it may lead to divorce between the couple.
So, we will often call on everyone to have a sense of boundaries. In other words, everyone is like a chess piece on a chessboard. In some interpersonal communication, they should abide by their own principles, and in their own small world, they should not cross the boundaries, but interfere more.
But once this sense of boundary reaches between parents and children, it may cause a lot of controversy.Some people may say that it is our child. We care about his food and drink and provide him with school. What's wrong with us?
Some people also say that it is our children. We work hard for the children. We are willing to save money and make our children live a better life, so we are willing to be child slaves . Of course, it is your freedom to treat your children how you want to. But we also see that many children who grow up with their parents' spoiling will become their parents' heart problems when they grow up.
What will happen to the child who grew up with a misplaced parent?
This mother-killing case is a living example.
Let’s look back at Tang Xiaoyun’s spiritual and psychological destruction of his mother from childhood to adulthood, and we can understand why Tang Xiaoyun was so cruel to kill her mother.
Childhood, one point difference, it is exaggerated to the height of life
Tang Xiaoyun's mother is a high school teacher and she is very strict with her son. How strict is it? After the incident, the judge saw outrageous facts in the book "Xiaoyun Growth" that they found.
The son scored 99 points, and she asked his son to write a check.
Today, in the midterm math exam, I only got 99 points. This score is very inappropriate. I can obviously do better, but I lost this point because of a small mistake. I am sorry for my mother and myself. The two lines of
are Tang Xiaoyun's review of the lost point, and it is his self-blame and guilt towards his mother.
Below is his mother's comment:
only seems to have lost one point, but in the future, you are likely to lose your entire life because of this point.
Remember, life is a battle. Any small mistake will make you lose. A thousand-mile dike was destroyed in an ant hole. You must study harder, and you must reflect carefully.
For a child, a point is really nothing. A child’s carelessness may cause mistakes. Tang’s mother wanted her son to learn from her lessons, and there were many ways. For example, she can make a wrong question book, let the child write the wrong questions in each exam on it, do it several times afterwards, and figure out why this time it is wrong. Next time the child encounters such questions, he will easily do it right.
But because of this point, she rose to the height of her life to blame her son.
She is not educating or encouraging her son, she is creating pressure on her son. A child must have obtained his initial outlook on life and values from his parents. When his mother instills in him such wrong and distorted values, he does not have the ability to distinguish and distinguish, and he will naturally take all this as a matter of course.
So when you grow up, Tang Xiaoyun would say to your cousin, what your mother said is for your own good.
For some parents, how many children have this sentence "for your own good" harmed! In their young hearts, they think that their parents do this for their own good, so when they cannot meet their parents' expectations, they will blame themselves and feel sorry for their mothers.
It is precisely for this reason that the young Tang Xiaoyun would write such a review letter when peeking at his cousin playing games.
Young man humiliated his son from a personality
Once, Tang Xiaoyun's cousin was playing a game, and he peeked at him. After being discovered by Tang's mother, Tang Xiaoyun wrote another review letter:
In 2014, my cousin was playing games, and I peeked at me. This is the beginning of my depravity, and I should set an example for my cousin. Instead of falling into the game with my cousin. The game is the demon that seduces me, and I must resist his temptation. I feel very heartbroken, and I will review myself deeply here.
For Tang Xiaoyun, in the first ten years of his life, he was a regular child according to his mother's teachings. But he was a child after all, he had a child nature, and he was curious about things he didn't understand, so he peeked at his cousin playing games. This is normal. But under the guidance of Tang's mother's values, Tang Xiaoyun thought she had fallen and made profound reviews.
Tang's mother still wrote a comment below:
Through this incident, we can see that you are a person with quite weak willpower. Such a person will find it difficult to bear the heavy responsibility. Your cousin is very happy, but he is destined to be an ordinary person forever. If you want to be an ordinary person, it is no problem, then don’t be my son.
All parents hope that their children will become successful, there is nothing wrong with this book. But everyone who has experienced it knows that children are inevitably making mistakes during their growth, which is also human nature. Once this happens, parents should point out their children’s mistakes and then slowly guide their children toward positive values.
But Tang's mother took this matter very much and took very extreme corresponding measures.
She first accused her son of weak willpower and threatened that if she wanted to be an ordinary person, she would not be her son.
Not only did she repeatedly suppress her son in terms of personality, but she also used her trump card to threaten her. For children, what they fear the most is of course the abandonment of their parents. Because they have not grown up physically and mentally. When they make mistakes, what they need is the help and patient guidance of their parents, rather than endless belittlement, suppression, or even threats.
From childhood to youth, Tang Xiaoyun has been under extreme control of his mother. He was about to suffocate under the pressure and belittlement of his mother. He wanted to escape from his mother, and he wanted to resist his mother. So when filling out the application form, he went against his mother's wishes for the first time in his life.
fill out the application form, disrespect the son's choice, instilling distorted values
When filling out the college entrance examination form, Tang Xiaoyun decided to follow his heart to apply for his favorite major. He wanted to learn Chinese, but Tang's mother thought that it was difficult to find a job after learning Chinese, so she would definitely let her son learn computers. The two were in a stalemate. It was the first cold war between the mother and son. Tang Xiaoyun was the first to lose and took the initiative to ask his mother to admit his mistake. The two reconciled, and this past was also written into the diary.
I was wrong. I shouldn’t have chosen the Chinese department without asking my mother’s advice. This behavior is very irresponsible to myself and to my mother. My mother ignored me for a long time. I don’t blame her. She treats me as the closest person, but I hurt her heart.
In this diary, Tang Xiaoyun apologized to his mother again. The only resistance he had in his life was ultimately his mother's victory. He must have been in a very bad mood. Under such circumstances, Tang's mother still wrote her own comments under her son's review.
Life is like a battlefield. How can you be free from long-term plans and rely on your temporary preferences? Only the weak will always like and hate what they say. A strong person will not be influenced by these fleeting emotions. In order to succeed, he must remain sober.
In Tang Xiaoyun's childhood, youth and even adulthood in the college entrance examination, Tang's mother gave sharp comments under almost every review. Those comments were all insults to her son's personality. It is not difficult for us to imagine how Tang Xiaoyun endured these vicious attacks from his mother again and again.
In fact, he had a small resistance, but in the end he failed. The way my mother defeated him was also very simple, that was to punish herself with his mistakes.
The misaligned and suffocating maternal love
Tang's mother never beats her son, but she will destroy her son's heart in a more ruthless way than hitting her.
There is a plot in the drama. Tang Xiaoyun, who was childhood, was already full, and she even advised him to eat.
He said: Mom, I'm really full.
Tang Xiaoyun is so obedient, he said that eating is definitely full. If it were other mothers, they might have spoken according to their son's wishes.
But Tang’s mother smiled and said, “I’m full, then I’ll eat for you.” Then she put braised pork into her mouth piece by piece.
We can imagine what Tang Xiaoyun felt when he looked at his mother. He felt that it was his fault that made his mother so sad. He will feel guilty and blame himself.
So he begged his mother:
Mom, I eat, I eat.
Tang’s mother then smiled and said: That’s right.
Tang Xiaoyun scored 99 points. Tang’s mother was furious, but she did not abuse her son. She said: Mom is also responsible. After saying that, she slapped herself in the face. She didn't give up until her son knelt down and begged her.
Tang's mother punished herself in an almost cruel way, making her son feel sorry for her. And she really achieved her goal. Tang Xiaoyun has never dared to resist her since then, and he listened to her in everything. The mother and son played the scene of a mother being kind and filial to outsiders. What is it? Tang’s mother was very content, and Tang Xiaoyun was in pain.
The mother and son, one is satisfied with this status quo, and the other wants to escape. Unfortunately, Tang's mother never understood her son's true psychology. She never feels her son's pain either.
She never knew that she had made the relationship between herself and her son wrong. It should be that the mother felt sorry for her young children and was coaxing them. But she forced her son to feel sorry for her in a self-abuse way, and thus did something against her wishes.
A paranoid mother uses the wrong method and misaligned feelings to define everything between her and her son. She thought she loved her son very much, but she didn't know that she was killing her children's freedom and independence step by step.
If Tang Xiaoyun initially felt sorry for his mother's self-abuse. As time goes by, as this kind of thing happens again and again, his mentality gradually changes. Especially when he applied for the exam, his only resistance was when he eventually lost to his mother, and his paranoidness became increasingly serious. He was both afraid of his mother and hated her. He hated her to control her life and hated her to punish him by punishing herself.
In Tang Xiaoyun's growth, his mother's harm and mental control over him were the key factors in his distorted mentality.
Because I am afraid of my mother's sadness and my mother's extremes. So, he just acted as a very well-behaved son and did everything his mother asked him to do. He does whatever his mother asks him to do, and he has no requirements. He only asked her not to punish him as a son by punishing herself. After he was fired, he pretended to go to work every day because he was afraid that his mother would scold him. Until Tang’s mother’s birthday, the next day was the day when he became a regular, and his lies could no longer be hidden. Coupled with what Tang's mother said at the banquet, he made up his mind to kill his mother.
What is sad is that after killing his mother, he cruelly dismembered her because he felt that his mother was a devil and he wanted to tear her body apart. In this way, the mother will not survive.
A son thinks that the mother who gave birth to him and raised him is a devil. How much hatred should he have towards her? And this hatred is certainly because of his paranoia, and more because of Tang's mother's failed education under his dislocation of emotions.
Poor mother Tang didn't know until she died, why did her son hate her so much?
Two mistakes of Tang's mother ruined her own and her son's life
In the play, Tang's mother was killed by Tang Xiaoyun with a trophy on the sofa. The TV series gave a close-up. The wall behind Tang's mother was hung with certificates. The trophy she received after her son was strictly demanding him when she was very young. These are the result of her and her son's joint efforts. These are her half of her life's hard work, and her pride as a mother. But she didn't know until she died. It was these behaviors she was proud of that planted hatred in her son's heart.
When she passed away, the certificates on the wall were silently observing silently. They are witnesses of the deep friendship between this mother and son, and also the witness of the demise of this mother and son.
Tang’s mother made two mistakes in the process of educating her son.
is mental manipulation, wanting children to live like they think in their hearts. As parents, they all hope that their children will become successful, and there is nothing wrong with this book. But Tang's mother used a letter of review to belittle the child, causing serious personal damage to the child.
The second is to use distorted values to guide the child
Tang Xiaoyun has been obedient since childhood, but he was extremely disgusted with his mother's control in his heart. At the last moment of his life, he decided to resist his mother once.It’s a pity that the method he used was ignorant and tragic.
We cannot deny Tang’s mother’s love for her son. Tang Xiaoyun also knows this, so he said to Yu Fei:
My wish is not to listen to my mother once. If my mother is alive, she will definitely not want me to die. This time she can never get what she wants again.
Tang Xiaoyun finished speaking, a smile appeared on his face. This smile was so desolate. A child would rather pay the heavy price of his mother and his life than resist his mother once. It can be seen how Tang's mother's education made him hate and distort.
Under Tang’s mother’s mental destruction for several years, he did not dare to resist and could not have his own thoughts. He lived as a substitute for his mother. Tang's mother completely let her son live as another self. How sad!
Master of Psychology Yu Lingna said: If you want your child to be a mentally healthy person, you'd better make yourself a mentally healthy person first.
cannot allow distorted love as a painful legacy, passed down from generation to generation. So, what exactly should qualified parents be like?
Qualified parents make their children loyal to themselves
人人人人 once said in a video: If you have expectations for your children, her expectations for your children are always loyal to yourself. We adults seem to be educating them, but in fact they are invisibly destroying and interfering with them.
We often tell children that you should do this, or that you should not do this. In fact, in this process, they have actually lost the life force that can express themselves and be loyal to themselves. All we can do is protect them and create an environment for them to be loyal to themselves.
So I have always believed in one thing: a child was not born by you, he just came to this world through your body. They have what their lives should have lived.
It is said that the youngest son named him, and she hopes that the child can live his true life as he is. So her expectation for children is that she hopes that children can always be loyal to themselves.
She believes that parents should respect their needs and their likes when their children are young.
I was particularly touched when I saw this video of Yi Gongzi today. At our age, we have never studied psychology, and we do not have these articles and videos that can change our cognition. We always discipline our children based on our instincts. I am born in the 1970s, and I don’t know how others teach my children. In short, I have made some mistakes myself. These were also what I realized later when I studied psychology, so I first solicited my children's opinions on everything I did. Since I didn't understand it before, I will try my best to make up for it in the future and try my best to be a qualified mother.
Parents and children are in one fight, we must all learn to respect children’s independent personality. Respect their needs and likes. We provide love for children to accompany them to grow up. Then you can wait for the flowers to bloom.
