During the process of raising children, have you been hurt and sighed for the various personality problems of the child?
Child stubborn and disobedient . If you want to buy toys and do whatever you want, you have to follow his heart, otherwise he will not give up.
Child is lazy and doesn't like to do things . No matter how many times you nag, he just refuses to hang up the clothes he takes off, and he just refuses to receive the bowl he finishes eating, let alone help you share the housework.
Children During and procrastinating in doing things . Whether he was asking him to take a shower or sleep when he was a child, or asked him to do his homework or do his schoolbag after he went to school, he would not do it immediately, and he had to delay until the last moment before he could move.
Children like to complain and get angry , always full of negative energy and are not satisfied with anything. He was willing to calm down for a while if he had to make you angry. I believe many parents have encountered these common personality problems above
, and must be puzzled: Why is the children just unwilling to change no matter what we say in ?
In fact, children are not stupid. The reason why they refuse to change is because these shortcomings of can allow them to take advantage of them and taste the sweetness of .
Today's article will analyze these personality problems and see how to truly help children change.
01 What are the purposes hidden behind the child’s behavior?
As the saying goes: those in the authorities are confused, those onlookers are clear, and the same goes for raising children. It is precisely because parents are in the situation that they cannot see their children's routines clearly.
If you can treat yourself as a bystander and calmly recall your daily interactions with your child, you will instantly understand why your child cannot change after repeated teaching.
First look at stubborn . The child is watching TV. You want him to stop and take a shower, but he doesn't agree and insists on watching for a while.
You said to him, "But you have been watching for a long time, let's watch it tomorrow."
The child still refused, whether it's or acting spoiled , in short, I just asked to watch it for a while.
You may be soft-hearted, or you may feel that it will be harmless to watch for a while, so you compromised and said, "If you look at , then watch it for another 10 minutes. You really can't watch it again in 10 minutes! "
The child happily agreed to you and continued to enjoy his happy time. I believe you are familiar with the scene of
. The story behind is either the child keeps his promise or he cheats on him, you compromise until you get angry and turn off the TV.
If you only analyze your and your child’s behavior, what will you find?
The child is stubborn - you compromise - the child continues to be stubborn - you get angry - the child is obedient.
Yes, in most cases, stubbornness can help children achieve their goals . And you taught the child: Unless you get angry, you don’t have to listen to you .
The child can see clearly than us, after all, he is a natural learner. But because of our love for our children, we have been led by our nose.
is very angry, right? Don't worry, let's take a look at other personality issues.
What are the benefits of lazy for children? Judging from the results, although he wants to listen to your nagging, in the end, you will work hard to help him finish everything. The child is not losing money! The advantage of procrastination is that some things are dragged on and off, so you don’t need to do it. There is also a hidden benefit, which is that allows children to escape their parents' pickiness and evaluations .
If the child completes the task on time, some parents will jump out and criticize the child: Why are the words written so ugly? What are you drawing? The towel is not hung well...
The child is instinctively afraid of such comments, so he deliberately drags on , so that parents will not criticize themselves .
like to complain, and the benefit of being angry is to make people around you care about themselves, and then takes the dominance of .
For example, when a child complains that the food is not delicious, someone cares about "what do you want to eat, I'll make it for you."
As soon as the child threw something and slammed the door, everyone became quiet, the whole family gave in to the child, and the child also felt his importance at this moment.
The above personality problems cannot be said to be the fault of the children, but there is no doubt that children are the ultimate beneficiaries .
The power of habit is powerful and terrible! If you don’t want your child to suffer losses in growing up and becoming an adult because of these shortcomings, then change him as soon as possible.
02 If you want your child to change, this step is very important.
The first step to change is not action, but observation. Only by first figuring out the children’s routine can we win the final victory.
First of all, you need to determine what the problem is and what do you want the child to change. For example: I hope the child will no longer procrastinate.
Then, find a notebook to write it down. Write down your observations on this issue at the same time. Including:
- When will children usually procrastinate - when watching TV;
- When children procrastinate, How do you do - politely tell him that it is time to do homework, and then walk away;
- After you do this, what is the reaction of children? - verbally agree, and then continue to watch;
- What will you do after
- - keep urging until you get angry;
- What benefits does children get through procrastination - extend the time to watch TV and avoid doing homework (you will help him when the homework is written very late);
- What do you find - politely order the child and then walk away, this method is ineffective.
insist on recording the above process, and you will slowly see the "battle mode" between you and your child and what practices are ineffective.
Among them, we must seriously consider what benefits children get through certain behaviors .
may have gained your attention, achieved his purpose, won power (he has the final say), or evaded certain tasks, etc.
Only by first figuring out what the benefits are can we avoid helping our children get these benefits in a daze. In that case, the child will have no motivation to change.
Don't be lazy and ignore the steps to observe and record . The more you do this step, the easier it is to find a way to change your child.
03 Two principles help children completely change
After persisting for about a week of observation, we can start to make plans to change children.
It should be noted that you should not think about completely changing your child from the beginning. In this way, the child will develop a hostile mentality, and you will have limited energy and will easily be unable to do so.
You might as well start with one question, and ignore other questions for the time being. How to do
? Share two key principles.
first, we cannot continue to provide benefits to children.
For example, if he loses his temper, he is to buy toys, then you cannot buy toys for him when he loses his temper. If he procrastinates to help him do his homework, then you cannot help him do his homework, and he has to take on the responsibility and consequences.
sounds easy, right? But to successfully do this, first of all, you have to find the benefits your child wants to get through the previous step, . Secondly, you must have a firm stand on and not be soft-hearted .
The second principle is proposed by psychologist Kevin Leman : can only start B if A is completed first. In the formula
, A is usually what the child is unwilling to do, while B is what the child is eager to do.
That is to say, can only get the benefits you want when the child completes what he should do but does not want to do. This order must not be reversed.
Take the question mentioned above as an example. Children must complete their homework before they can watch TV. If
is not completed, you don’t have to urge him to experience the feeling of staying up late to do homework or being criticized by the teacher the next day. You just need to put away the TV remote control so that the child can’t watch it.
The same is true. If a child loses his temper in the store, he must buy toys. Then you tell him calmly, "Because you have lost your temper, you can't buy it. Let's go home now." After
finished speaking, you just keep going away.When the child sees you leave, he will definitely cry and follow you.
Next time, the child will tell you what toys he wants and hope you can buy them. Because he did A-politely make requests, he could get B-buy toys. As long as you think about the two principles of
in advance and write them in the notebook, and then implement them calmly and persistently when encountering problems, you will definitely see changes in your children after a period of time.
I wish you success!
I am Xiaoyang's mother, Fudan master's mother, early education instructor, and author of the parenting book "Understanding Psychology, Parenting is Simple". If you like my articles, follow me.
