When talking about the communication difficulties of adults in social interaction, I often sigh with emotion-it is difficult to communicate without thinking at the same level. In fact, this sentence cannot be more appropriate when it comes to educating children.
Only after raising a baby did I know that the hard-talking old mother is the most useless, and it is annoying to talk too much without effect. It is effective to take immediate action when a problem is discovered.
The cognitive characteristics of children and infants determine that their thinking cannot reach the ability to understand the principles of adults. There is no positive effect of educating children in a rational way, and it will be counterproductive.
01
Give an example of my big treasure.
Dabao will go to kindergarten in September this year. At the pre-kindergarten parent meeting two weeks before the start of school, the kindergarten authorities proposed a series of adjustments to the kindergarten that require the cooperation of parents. One of the very important ones is: one must be able to eat independently, and one meal must be finished within half an hour.
Although Dabao has been in the kindergarten class for a year in his rural hometown, he has also developed some collective living habits. However, after all, there are some differences between rural and urban kindergartens. For example, when it comes to meals, I have never made specific requirements for meal times in my hometown. Sometimes when he sees Dabao not eating obediently, his grandfather who loves his grandson will even hold him in his arms and feed him spoon by spoon while watching TV.
It is too difficult for him to train him to take the initiative to eat in half a month and finish eating in half an hour.
Once, Dabao didn't have a good meal. The boy's father pressed his anger and said, "If you don't finish eating, you will collect all your favorite eggs and egg soup when you arrive."
The son raised his face. The child asked incomprehensibly: "Dad, is the egg broken? Why dump it?"
This chicken-and-duck-like response to our ferocious adults is almost vomiting blood.
The father of the child is "not a lot of cruel words". It seems useless to speak, so he simply took out the alarm clock and pointed it to him: "This pin points to 6 and the meal is taken away. Until dinner, no Something to eat." As soon as the time came, his father immediately started to clean up the dishes.
After being hungry for two meals, the big problem of the son's procrastination in eating was solved in two days.
It’s been almost two weeks since school started, and Dabao can eat peacefully in the morning and evening, and occasionally has a small business trip, and he has to slip and play with toys while eating. As soon as he got up, just hold him down and point to his bowl.
Sentiment: Adults always want to give orders to children and reason. But children often don't buy it. In a child's world, it is only you who treat me well, I am comfortable or uncomfortable, but there is no "right or wrong".
His father gave me a vivid lesson:
Teach children not to be reasonable, just do it directly.
02
Bao Mom was slapped in the face by more than two years old. .
Actually, my Dabao was very good when he was young. When he was less than one year old, he could already follow Bao Ma's instructions to throw dirty diapers into the trash can. Usually, I also take the initiative to throw the waste paper snack packaging I made into the trash can.
Later, after two or three years old, I didn't stick to me very much, and I started to have fun.
Once, he got excited about playing and threw the trash aside. My "worry and worry" old mother's sense of worry is coming again: "How can you litter like this? When you were one year old, you knew that garbage should be thrown into the trash can. A good habit is to stick to it. Ah! It is wrong to litter, take care of environmental sanitation..." Balabala burst out of a lot of principles.
I saw Dabao sitting there twisting around, getting more and more impatient. Finally, he couldn't help it anymore, took out his little chubby hand and slapped me on the face, and said: "Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it." Not only did he not pick up the trash, but he also hit the ground. roll.
That was the first time I heard the voice of my son's resistance. I am still shocked by my old mother who has always been proud of reasoning.
Always think that educating children must be patient and convince others with reason. It wasn't until I was "faced" by my son that I discovered that it was not only useless to talk about some absolutely correct principles, it would only bore the child and even produce a rebellious mentality.
Later, after reading some articles on parent-child education, I also learned that if parents talk too much to their children, it will have a diminishing marginal effect. What you say will become less and less important in his mind. The parent-child relationship is getting worse and worse.
Therefore, teach children not to be reasonable, just do it directly.
03
How to do it? There are several situations:
1) When the child cannot stop watching TV
previously : I told him that watching TV for too long is not good for the eyes, even if it is right He yelled and broke his throat, never thinking that he would consciously turn off the TV.
Now: Don’t make sense, just do it
Essentials : Hold it in your arms, speak softly, half-push and half-push
Detailed :
I walked over and hugged the child's shoulders with his hand, while turning off the TV with the remote control, he lowered his head and whispered softly to him: "Well, you have been watching for half an hour. You must rest and play something else." Then Half-push and half-situ take him to the game area, sit down and play with him the jigsaw puzzle he likes for a while, or take him to the park for a scooter.
is also suitable for: always watching TV, playing with toys, should do homework but not homework/should eat or not, etc.
2) When the child is crying for no reason and out of control,
hug him hard, comfort him softly, let him calm down first, then analyze the reason and deal with it. The reason is generally that I was wronged, tired, hungry, and emotional. It doesn't matter, it will be resolved gradually.
3)
, such as: spitting, beating, etc., should be controlled immediately and strictly stopped when bad behavior is discovered. For the elimination of some bad habits of children, it is also necessary for parents to set an example.
4)
Exception: lower the level of thinking and communicate appropriately. Do not take the initiative to reason. When the child actively asks you for help, lower your posture and reduce to the child's thinking level to communicate appropriately.
Good parents, be the children’s "gold medal personal education".
As the saying goes, a teacher, preaching and teaching work to solve puzzles-the teacher's responsibilities are more focused on the inheritance of knowledge. However, the role of parents for their children is more biased towards life coaches.
The task of life coaching is to use scientific and reasonable methods to guide children to develop good behavior habits.
In psychology and neuroscience, neural circuits are used to explain behavioral habits. The so-called behavior habits are the external manifestations of our neural circuits (the fixed patterns of thinking, behavior, and emotional processing of information).
Features of Neural Circuit :
Once the "neural circuit" is established, it will run automatically without being affected byBrain control. "Neural circuit" does not distinguish between "good" and "neural circuit" will not be cleared, but it can be replaced by "neural circuit" consumes very low energy
In habit formation , As long as a certain action sequence is established (the quality of the action is not considered, as long as it is completed) and repeated many times, a neural circuit will be formed.
Because completing a behavioral action will deepen a trace on the trajectory of the neural circuit, this deepening trace is to solidify your natural habit. But this will not lead to physical and emotional confrontation!
For example, instructing children to develop good behaviors is like a personal trainer in a gym instructing fitness.
Excellent personal trainer: I won’t say anything that will hurt your self-esteem, I won’t threaten to ignore you, and I won’t tempt you to apply for a card with discounts, discounts, or bragging about personal charm.
The most excellent personal training, people are not critical, and standard moves are shown to you. They are confident and firm in the content they are guiding, know your current stage and the direction of your efforts, give you a goal, break down the action to be able to pick up the level, and increase your confidence, and achieve the goal without knowing it. Become a habit.
We always know a lot of truths, but we still have a bad life, because the truth is that it is useless and the key is to do it. The same goes for parenting. No matter how much we read child psychology, how much parenting encyclopedia or early childhood education book, we only rely on truth, we can't let our children do anything.
Because life is not a process of learning knowledge, life is a process of proving knowledge through practice. Only by taking action and becoming the child's "gold medal personal education" can the child be better.
Author: youthful blue heart, a little soup writing class students, Master of Applied Psychology, public service industry for many years, and has one child and a daughter. Loves writing and likes to apply psychology to life.
Picture from the Internet
汤小小: Founder of Wemedia [Tang Xiaoxiao], a time management expert who works three hours a day, writing trainer, and advocates easy and efficient writing , Has trained tens of thousands of students so far, helping countless people realize their dream of earning more than 10,000 a month by writing. In private messages, I can listen to writing lessons for free and get contribution resources worth 10,000 yuan.
