Today we are going to study this book called ", you are the child's best toy ". This book is considered to be the most effective among a large number of books on children's education that I have read.
I believe that many couples don’t know how to bring children after they have children. This book provides a lot of practical methods, such as whether or not to hold the child when crying hard, don’t understand 'S father may think that he can't hold him. Because of crying, he cried more and more severely in the future. In fact, this idea is wrong, why? If you don't care about the child when he is crying hard, the child will feel particularly insecure, and when he grows up, he may lack self-confidence and a series of problems.
Sometimes we see some scenes, mothers take a few-year-old child out, and sometimes the child is disobedient, the mother will leave the child in the false, and leave by herself. Throwing the child to the side of the road poses a threat to the child. At this time, the child is frightened, and will cry harder, shout harder, and passers-by who see this situation may be heartbroken.
In doing so, she has no idea how much harm will be done to the child? Such an approach will make children unable to feel unconditional love. The most important problem is to make children feel that they may be abandoned by their mothers all the time in the future. So the result is that after he reaches adolescence, when he has the ability to resist, he will rebel more vigorously. This is why many people think that their children are good to take before puberty, but after puberty, children start to slam doors, face, turn face, cold war or even run away from home with you. Because the child finally has the ability to resist. If we don't want our family to become such a tragedy, I suggest that everyone must study this book.
The beginning of this book talked about some misunderstandings about raising children. What are the typical misunderstandings? First, there is one of the most typical misunderstandings called controlling parents. When a child has a problem, some parents will say that I count three, one, two, and three. This is called a controlling parent. What happens to children treated in a controlled way when they grow up? There are usually several situations,Either he will become particularly cowardly, because he has been controlled since he was a child and has lost his self-confidence. Either he will become particularly controlling. You know that if a person has a special desire to control, there are actually very few things that can be controlled by him in this world. So this person himself will be particularly painful.
The second type of parent will be a laissez-faire type, saying that it’s okay to make him cry, and it’s okay for the child to cry for a while. Crying for half an hour is good for your body, it doesn't matter. So the child cried, and then slapped and rolled around and so on. No one cares about him. The parents said that he would wait until he cried. Such laissez-faire parents treat their children, and the problem that this child will have when he grows up is that he will extremely lack a sense of belonging to the team. What is the problem of lack of a sense of belonging to the team? He will be excessively dependent. So this child may join the underworld gang, which is too serious, and may take drugs, which is also very serious. It is common that he may become addicted to the Internet. Why is this child easily addicted? Because he has no sense of belonging to the team. Only in that environment can he find his sense of belonging. So I believe you don't want your children to be like this.
The third type, that is, well, don't cry, don't cry, dad will buy you sweets to eat. Don't cry, Dad will take you to watch "Animation". Don't cry, let's buy a car. This method often works. What is this method called? It's called a bribery type. So what will be the effect when parents treat this child with bribery? Many parents said that it is very good. I put small red flowers on the wall for their children. Then post a little red flower if you do something right, it's all called bribery.
Bribery parents treat this child. When he grows up, the problem with this child is that he doesn't have any inner motivation to do anything. His motivation all comes from the outside, all from others who need to give him a confirmation, so he has no fun in being a good boy, and his joy in being a good boy comes from someone giving him a little red flower. He has no fun with good grades, and good grades are to be able to get a scholarship. So if a person can't feel the fun of this thing itself, can you think about it, will someone always give you external confirmation in a person's life? Will someone always motivate you to do things from the outside? It's hard. Therefore, when such children grow up in the future, they may gradually lose the meaning of life and feel depressed and boring.
these four types are very common,There is a typical mistake that parents make called neglect and underestimate. What does it mean to deny the child’s feelings? The child went home from the kindergarten, and then told her mother that I am very hungry. My mother said that you just finished eating, why are you hungry? You see, why are you hungry just after eating? The child is obviously hungry, but mother said that you shouldn't be hungry just after eating, denying his feelings.
The child fell and fell to the ground. Especially after the boy fell down, what was the first thing mom said when he came over? Say whether it hurts or not, get up quickly, it doesn't matter, the boy doesn't cry. Think about it, if you fell in the kitchen and your husband came over and said, it doesn't hurt or it hurts. How would you feel? So this is called ignoring the child's own feelings. If parents often treat their child with negation and neglect of feelings, what do you think of this child? The child will not feel the pain of others. So we often see some children make their mothers half-dead, and then the children come over and say, don't be angry, be angry, what's the matter, as for? So angry. You see, because you told him not to cry or cry when you were young.
When we were young in rural areas, as long as I told my mother that my mother needed back pain, my mother would say that there is no waist, and the child does not have a waist. Ignore the child's feelings. When he grows up, the child will ignore the feelings of others, and he will cause a lot of communication conflicts with others.
A psychologist did a test. He drew many people's faces as stick figures. It's just that the person's face is drawn as a stick figure, some people are happy, some people are angry, etc., drew a lot of stick figures. After drawing a series of stick figures, take this stick figure to the school to show the children and tell you what expression this person is like. What do you look like on this person? What's this person's face? One by one, I found a strange phenomenon, what is it? A large number of school bullies, those bullies who often bully classmates in school, can't distinguish the expressions of these people. He will treat a very angry person as normal, and his expression is pretty good.
Why does this happen? Because they often show up when they bully others, I don't think it hurts him, I think it's normal. So he will ignore the feelings of others, so it is difficult for this child to integrate into the community, and even hurt others.I don't even know.
These are all problems that our parents often encounter when disciplining their children. You can compare them. If we do not read this book, will we go further and further on this wrong road.
Another method is to use negative consequences as punishment. We have to distinguish two concepts, one is called direct consequences and the other is called negative consequences. It’s not that you can’t punish children. There is nothing wrong with punishing children, but you have to punish with direct consequences instead of negative consequences. What are the direct consequences? For example, if you have an appointment with your child, our family must have a meal together at six o'clock tonight. This is our family's rule. Our family eats at this point, and you must come back. Then the child watches TV, you call him, you say it's time to eat, he won't come. Then tell him to eat, not come. How long are you going to watch? I'll watch it for another half an hour. Okay, I'll come back for dinner in half an hour. Nothing, I ran out of food. The child said that I had no food to eat, so I'm sorry, we said that I would have dinner at six o'clock, and now there is no food. So I'm sorry, I have no food today, please be hungry a little bit hungry. Mom understands that you are hungry, so let's have breakfast tomorrow morning. This is a direct consequence.
What are negative consequences? For example, a child breaks a cup. The mother said, OK, the cup is broken, so you can't watch cartoons tonight. This is called a negative consequence. There is no inevitable connection between not being able to watch cartoons and the child breaking the cup, so the child will feel very strange, saying why I can't watch cartoons if I break the cup. So from now on, it's not that you make him behave better, but that he learns how to deceive you. Have you been punished in a negative way by your parents many times, so you have become more adept at lying. Anyway, I am like this, many children will be like this. Therefore, we say that the difference between negative consequences and direct consequences is particularly obvious.
Another type of typical error is corporal punishment. Many parents will fight with their children and say to stand aside, stay quiet, don't move or even beat him twice. In fact, minor physical punishment is acceptable in many fields of education. For example, spanking or spanking is fine. But why do we say that corporal punishment often causes problems? It's because a large number of parents can't control their emotions at all during corporal punishment.The child is not afraid of his parents beating him, the child is afraid that his parents will suddenly turn his face. You know, when a parent beats a child, the atmosphere of brewing is particularly scary.
When a child feels that his parents will lose control, his entire safety barrier in life is completely destroyed. This will plant a seed, that is, there will be a huge intimacy gap between the child and you, which will cause the child to make any mistakes in the future and you cannot blame him. Because you only need to accuse him, he will worry that there will be the fear behind him, that he may suddenly become unnecessary or his parents will suddenly become like a stranger to me. Because parents are the most important safety barrier for children.
So these are common mistakes of our parents, so what should we do? In the book "You are the child's best toy", we are given a very important tool called emotional guidance. Through the method of emotional guidance to help children build a lot of emotional vocabulary, he can learn to communicate with you in an adult way. We can recall that when our child was very young, what words did we teach him first? Usually father, mother, moon, stars, cars, these are all terms, right?
So why do children often play and roll when they are young, lying on the ground crying and screaming? what is the reason? Many parents will say that it is because he thinks this is effective, which is wrong. It's because the child doesn't know how to use this trick, and no one has taught him what method is effective.
You taught him a lot of nouns, but what should you teach him the most? This is called depression, this is called happiness, this is called sharing, this is called happiness, this is called coordination, coordination, and so on. All these emotional vocabulary is what we should teach them in various ways. But you find that emotional vocabulary is more difficult to teach. He can't see happiness, and he doesn't know what happiness is. Therefore, he must learn to use emotional guidance to help him learn a lot of emotional vocabulary, so that he can become good at understanding the feelings of himself and others.
So if you watch " Bear Infested " in the future,Don't just see this kid laugh. This has a strong bald head , and his head was smashed. At this time, you can ask the child. You said, what do you think is the feeling of being strong at the moment? What do you think Bald Qiang is thinking? This is to help children learn to understand others.
So how should the whole process of emotional guidance be done? We have a good step here, and this book gives us a series of steps. The first step is to learn how to plant a seed for your child. What does it mean to plant a seed? For example, if you want to take your children out to eat tonight, you need to tell your children before eating that you said we will eat together tonight. That is to say, after entering the private room, we can't run around, we can't shout, we can't throw dishes or bowls, can you do it? This is what we want to eat tonight. Can it be done? This is the first time. After finishing this first time, tell it once before departure, once on the road, and confirm with him again when you arrive at the restaurant. This time is called planting the seeds.
You must first let your children know what to do right. Many of our parents often don't do this step. It's just that you behave me better. Children can't do it. It's like someone tells you that you have to be fun when talking to others. Alas, how can it be interesting? This request is simply terrible. Including many actors saying that you want to act in a state of grief and anger, and so on. The requirements of adjectives are difficult to achieve, and it is reasonable that you have to put forward specific requirements.
Then after sowing the seeds, well, take the children to enjoy dinner. Then at this time, in the second step, you must learn to constantly observe and judge the child, and you must know what the child's state is like at the moment. Is the child within his normal range of emotions now, or is he gradually starting to lose control? Of course you have to know that a child may not be able to do it just with seeds, because he is a child after all.
Then you have to learn to listen. When your child is out of control, you must be able to listen. For example, squat down and look directly at him. Kneel down, look straight with him, and then ask him, how does it feel? Because you taught him to understand other people’s feelings,Then you have to learn to understand his feelings. What if the child is really angry at this time, very angry? There is a very important method here, and this method is called reaction emotion. What is reaction emotion? For example, the child is crazy and angry now. Then you tell him, don't be angry, you are all kids. Play, what's so angry about it? If you are so angry again, it won't take you out to play. This is not called reaction emotion, this is called accusation, this is called demand.
So when you talk to your child like this, the child will become more angry. Because his feeling of anger was not understood at all, and was not released. So at this time, like adults, you need to say something like this to your children: Dad can understand that you are angry now, and Dad knows that you are sad now, right? Dad knows you feel a little wronged, is that right? Dad knows you hurt, right? You see, only if you can accurately reflect his feelings at the moment, the child's emotions will gradually decline. This is the power of emotions.
So if a child falls from the swing, he falls to the ground. Don't say if your mother ran over at this time, it doesn't hurt or it hurts, get up quickly. You see, you didn't react to his emotions, you didn't care about his emotions at all, you ignored his emotions. At this time you should go over and say, hey, I know it's scary to fall so high from the swing. What else hurts you, tell your mother to see if she can help you. At this time, it is called accurately reading the other party's feelings at the moment. When you can accurately read the child's mood and feelings at the moment, the child's mood will decline rapidly, his emotional level will decline rapidly, and he will return to normal.
You have to know that when a child has not returned to normal, it is useless for you to tell him anything. It's like when your girlfriend is angry, if you make sense to her, she will be even more angry. In Guan "Key Dialogue". A very important topic mentioned in that book is that people should be dual-core interlocutors. What is a dual-core interlocutor? You have to consider not only the content of the conversation, but also the atmosphere of the conversation. And many of our parents don't think about the atmosphere of the conversation at all, we just keep saying what we want to say. The child can't listen anymore or the child has collapsed, has been mad, and you keep saying afterwards,Keep saying that this is nagging. So the result is that the more you speak, the less the child listens. Therefore, parents must first learn to observe emotions. Can I stabilize his emotions first so that the child can feel that someone can care about him? Then ask him again, then what do you think we should do.
So next we will guide the child to solve the problem. When the child's mood returns to normal, we will learn to guide him to solve the problem. Then ask him, how can you solve this problem? How do you think you can get along well with children? How do you think you can make all of you happy and then stop fighting? Guide children to solve problems, this is the key step of emotional guidance. Then what should be done after the child has done it right, and what should be done after the child has done it right? You have to tell your children that you did a good job in this behavior just now. What is this behavior called? This is emotional guidance.
So our parents sometimes have to ask ourselves a question, do we love our children unconditionally? Many parents will not hesitate to say, of course it is unconditional. I will love him whatever he does, but Many parents express it is not. We often tell our children, if you don’t obey, I don’t care about you. If you don’t obey, I don’t want you. If you don’t obey, I don’t want you. We all like obedient children, and we all hate disobedient children. . Do you have any conditions? When you attach so many conditions to love, you know why children cannot easily accept mistakes in front of you. Because once a child confesses his mistake easily in front of you, it means that mom and dad may not love him, which is unacceptable for him. So the more you criticize him, the more sensitive he is.
So is unconditional love equal to spoiling? Unconditional love means that you can do anything, and I will cover you in whatever you do, no problem. You go to beat people, I will pay for you, that's not what I mean. It is precisely because Dad loves you unconditionally that Dad wants to help you. Because Dad loves you, it is right for Dad to tell you what to do. You see, this is called unconditional love. Then after criticizing him and correcting his behavior, I will talk about it again. Even though my dad criticized you today, even though my dad corrected your behavior today, how is my dad still? Still love you.This is the language model that a truly unconditional loving family should have.
The same is true between husband and wife. Of course, it is much more difficult to establish unconditional love between husband and wife than between parent and child. But if a family wants to be stable, this is particularly important. Otherwise, when the couple quarrel, they will say who you like to look for, and whoever you think is better, you go with whom. Because he felt insecure in his heart, he did not have unconditional love.
So the core point of this book is to tell us that emotional guidance is a tool, and you have to learn the tool of emotional guidance. To put it simply, the foreigner's book looks very thick, but the content is actually not much. In short, what is it? First, plant the seeds and tell him what is right. Then next, observe and experience his emotions. Once his emotions have problems, he starts to have seizures, he starts to get angry and starts to be disobedient. At this time, you must be able to reflect his emotions, saying that I know you are angry at the moment, I know you are upset, I know how you are, and able to tell his inner feelings, his emotions will be lowered. Then in the next step, we started to guide him and said, what do you think we should do? Compliment him after he gets it right, using the second-level feedback method.
This is another concept discussed in leadership, the secondary feedback method. Here is actually emotional guidance, telling him that you are doing it right and telling him why, so that this child can learn a lot of methods and skills to communicate with others from you, and know a lot of correct vocabulary. The most important opportunity to develop a person is not when he does something wrong, but when he does it right. When children do it right, we must cherish this opportunity. Tell him that this is right and tell him why, this child can become more and more confident, and accumulate a lot of correct behavior, he is in harmony with the world. I hope this book can help everyone. I think this is the luckiest book I have ever read in my life, so I recommend it to all parents who are planning to be or have become parents. I believe that when you finish reading this book, you will feel very grateful.
Reading is for this purpose, and reading is to solve all kinds of difficulties in our lives. So if you believe that reading can change our lives and make our lives a little better,Don't struggle with pain all day long. If you want to ask how old is this book suitable for children? At the back of this book, it is written infancy, 0-3 years old, 4-7 years old, 7 years old and above, and so on. But in my opinion, I think that even if your child is in his twenties, this book is equally effective. Changes will always have the opportunity to make the family different.
If there is a particularly interesting couple, this is the truth that the husband can accept, but the wife does not accept it. Wife often feels unsuitable in front of the child, and the husband is very angry, sad for the child, and even argues with his wife. In fact, many parents have disputes about educating their children. Here is a very important concept, you have to figure out whether the parent-child relationship is important or the husband and wife relationship is important. The relationship between husband and wife is far superior to the relationship between parent and child, so the safest way for children to feel is that the relationship between parents is good. A good relationship between parents has a greater impact on children. So don't quarrel with your wife in front of your children to discipline your children. Instead, you should discuss the matter with your wife when your children are away. Then introduce this book to her, let her take some time, let her understand this book, how to teach the children, that's right.
Some people may say that their parents are the generations of grandparents and they teach their children the methods they often use. There are indeed many of these kinds. Many grandparents are quite bipolar when they treat their children, some are spoiling to death, some are particularly harsh, and then they say how you are like a bear child. They have been teaching you this way since childhood, so it is normal for them to teach your children this way. Then some people will say, then he taught us this way, didn't we grow up too? Guys, how are you guys looking good? Is it possible that you just grew up and your soul has been destroyed a lot, you don't know it yourself. You have a lot of limitations, you have a lot of unconfidence, there are a lot of blind spots in your mind, you don't dare to explore at all, right? This is the inner hurt that education leaves us. To be honest, I believe that many parents know that they have a lot of similar injuries, so if we can do better, there must be a chance.
So on the question of grandparents, my suggestion is that it is of course the best for parents to take their children by themselves. If you must bring grandparents,You can also continue to communicate with your grandparents, and then tell him about this knowledge.
Another point is that children’s fun is very important, and children who find fun on their own are willing to learn. If he has no fun, it doesn't matter, we think so many things in this world can be fun. So the most important thing is to cultivate this way of expressing emotions and focus on things.
Sometimes children are quite fun, but he just doesn't insist. Then the parents should let him learn to fall in love and persist in this matter. What does it mean to fall in love and persist in this matter? For example, the child suddenly ran to play the piano today, and no one forced him to play it suddenly. good? So at this time you have to quickly fix his behavior and tell him something in a way that reflects emotions. The behavior you performed today is called persistence. Wow, you are awesome, you are good at persistence, you can definitely learn well. When the child feels that persistence itself brings a sense of accomplishment and fun, he can learn to persist, and he will show persistence when he does other things. Therefore, children's various emotional intelligence and various behavior patterns can be learned by us by continuously discovering and confirming them bit by bit. And the biggest problem for many parents is that they watch their children's wrong things all day long. We are very sensitive to their children's mistakes and shortcomings all day long. And what I do to them is right, what is done well to them, where I express my nature, we don't feel it, this is the problem of the parents.
This comes from the many bad habits that people developed in primitive society. In primitive society, people were only interested in danger. There are very few optimistic primitives-although there are also optimistic primitives, they are all eaten up in the course of slow evolution. Therefore, we are all cautious primitive people with the genes that can live to this day. But our cautious genes will affect our encouragement to others.
The fastest way to improve yourself is to read more. I hope that all parents will read this book, (you are the best toy for your child), for your children. That's all for this book. See you in the next issue. Thank you.
The next book we are going to study is (one step forward), this book is written by coo of fecebook,As one of the most successful women in the world, the author deeply analyzes the root causes of the inequality between men and women in the book, revealing the code of women's success.
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