Each of us has constant contact with our original family, and these connections are likely to change or even affect the child's life.
1,
I am the youngest in the family, and there is also an older brother who is two years older than me.
Mom is a painter. After the furniture factory went bankrupt, with the help of her uncle, she went to work in a pretty charming factory at the time and was responsible for painting the vehicles in the factory.
The harm of paint to the lungs is huge, and my mother had tuberculosis in her early years, so when she was in her forties, she came out of the factory due to health problems.
At that time, my brother and I were in middle school and were about to go to college. It was time to use the money, but our family couldn't raise a total of 1,000 yuan in savings.
My dad doesn't have to count on.
Dad can be regarded as a qualified father, working diligently for the family. But he has a fatal problem, that is, he doesn't like to use his brain.
When my father was young, he drove a big car, but he didn't like to think and couldn't learn to deal with emergency situations. After driving for five or six years, he got into a car accident and was fired by the fleet;
and then he did business with his friends. It’s because I don’t like to use my brain and have no mind. After a year of business, I’ve been cheated of my underwear so much that I’ve lost all my underwear.
Mom is very strong and doesn't like her father's stubbornness. Because she can't make money, the two often quarrel at home, and sometimes even hold a knife to each other.
In my memory, they have more than ten quarrels every year, and that is the scene that my brother and I fear the most, no doubt about it.
is also in countless quarrels. I know that poverty is the original sin.
Dad gave up and simply stopped doing things and stayed at home to cook for us brother and sister.
The family's life is all over the mother, but the salary of more than 200 yuan a month also requires tuition, rent, and taking care of life. Where can I do it?
There are two things in my mind that are very deep in my memory.
I remember when I was in the fourth grade of elementary school, I had to pay tuition fees when I started school, but my family couldn't afford it.
Dad doesn't care, and after eating, he falls on the bed and sleeps soundly. It was still only my mother, who took me and my brother and I to my friend’s house in the middle of the night to borrow money.
went to three companies, the first company rolled its eyes to their mother; the second company said that it had no money either; the third company gave it to its mother fifty dollars.
I looked at my mother with red eyes, put the fifty dollars into her innermost pocket, and then held our hands. None of the three of them spoke and walked home silently.
rolling eyes is another bonus for poverty.
Our family lives in public housing and we have to go to the housing management office to pay rent every quarter.
Once, my father took my mother’s salary and took me to the housing management office with a basket of vegetables.
The staff of the office were very unhappy and blamed his father for rent that could delay for half a month.
Dad has a hot temper and quarreled with the other party on the spot: "We are not not paying it. My wife paid her salary yesterday, so why don't I come today?"
I was about ten years old that year. When I heard my father's righteous words, compared to my father's "righteousness", I was very embarrassed: a big man has to wait for his lover to pay his salary before he can afford to pay the rent! Where is him? Does he have no responsibility and responsibility to support this family as a man?
I can even imagine how the staff inside would discuss us when we walked out of the housing management office: This man was justified in eating soft food!
In fact, my father is not lazy, he just doesn’t know how to adapt. If he is asked to do physical labor without brains, he is suitable.
So after my brother was admitted to university and facing more than 4,000 yuan a year of tuition and living expenses, with the help of a distant cousin, my father went to a textile factory in another place to carry a yarn bag and earn some hard work, which was really right.
By the way, we have relatives, but relatives can't stand us borrowing money again and again! So when we go to borrow money later, people simply avoid it.
The distant cousin is pretty good and is willing to introduce such an opportunity to my father.
After my mother came out of the factory, she set up a small stall making pastry at her doorstep to earn the tuition for both of us by making pastries.
initially had a good business, and I could buy three or four hundred yuan a day;
After a year, the situation took a sharp turn. Perhaps people were tired of this thing, or perhaps they felt that the vendors were unhygienic. Regardless of the reason, the business of the pastry stall is getting worse and worse, and it is great to buy 100 yuan a day. Excluding costs, if you make a full calculation in a month, you will only earn two or three thousand yuan.
It was around 2000, and my brother and I went to college. Two or three thousand yuan was no longer a big deal. On the contrary, it was a bit stretched: my brother’s annual tuition was 4,000 yuan, my tuition was 4,800 yuan, and my tuition was 800 yuan per month. No matter how much we save money at home, we still have to spend 3,400 yuan.
In addition, grandma hemiplegia is in bed and grandma has liver disease. The monthly medical expenses of the two elderly people are not decimal.
I originally thought that my father could survive these difficult years when he worked outside, but after working for a year, he was laid off by his unit because he was old, so he had to come back and guard the pastry stall with his mother.
My parents think not to do anything else, one is because they lack capital, and the other is because they are not lucky enough, and it will be difficult to succeed in the end.
Do you have such people around you? He is very hardworking and willing to work hard, but he just can't make money.
The same thing, or even the same place, can be done well, but it can never be done by yourself.
Actually, my parents are like this. They get up at three or four o'clock in the morning to do business and finish work after ten o'clock in the evening. Throughout the year, the money they earn is just right, and they don't have a penny more.
2.
Compared to my brother, as a girl, I am more sensitive and can better understand the lack of confidence brought by economic poverty. Therefore, when facing money, I am very vigilant and try every means to ensure that I have spare money in my hands to feel safe. To put it bluntly, it is to take money seriously.
In 2001, when I was in college, my classmates' monthly living expenses were usually 500 to 600 yuan, and I only had 350 yuan.
I have to plan for getting the money every month: save 100 yuan first, even if I don’t eat, I can’t move it; 50 yuan will charge the phone fee; the remaining 200 yuan is the monthly meal, water, and bathhouse fee.
is spread to the daily expenses, which cannot exceed 6 yuan. At that time, the school canteen had 50 cents of vegetarian dishes and 2.50 cents of meat dishes. I eat vegetarian dishes every day, and it is called not wanting to eat meat. In fact, I don’t want to eat it, but I can’t bear to eat it. Once I eat a meat dish, the daily expenses will exceed the standard.
I dare not buy clothes, don’t go to dinner with classmates, and even don’t participate in any class activities.
At that time, I was still laughing with my classmates all day long, but now looking back, I was actually extremely inferior, just covering it up in this way.
is like this. After a year, I saved 1,000 yuan. This money gives me a little sense of security.
But this money is not easy to come by but goes quickly.
My brother studied in the north and his living costs were much higher than ours, but he only had 400 yuan a month, which was not enough. He didn't ask for it from his family, but began to borrow money from his relatives.
After I found out, I left a hundred yuan and transferred all my savings to him. I don't want my brother to be like me.
stitching, pulling, pulling, and we finally survived four years.
If other people’s college life is worth remembering for a lifetime, mine is different.
I don’t like to recall those years of life, because in my impression, what I can remember is how I calculated the little money in my hand all day long and tried every means to save money.
3.
In addition to bringing me inferiority, I obviously feel that my vision is far behind my classmates.
I can remember the whole family going out for a trip. It was when I was five years old, and our family went to Mount Emei. That was the only trip for our family.
Children of the same age have been to Beijing and seen the sea, but we have never even been to the province, and we have never been to the provincial government, let alone more scenery and a wider world.
A parent-teacher meeting was held in high school. I saw a classmate’s father actually brought a big brother. He was shocked at the time and even gossiped with his good friend: Look at that father, who even used a mobile phone!
A good friend looked like he had never seen the world and laughed at me and said, "What's so strange about this? You can buy one for more than 1,000 yuan!"
You should know that at that time, our family didn't even have a phone number. The only communication tool was a BB machine that my brother brought with him. He didn't buy it myself, or gave it to my aunt when she installed the phone number at the home, and later transferred it to him.
Every time he calls, he has to run up to ten meters and reply on a public phone.
In the eyes of others, it is just a matter that cannot be even smaller, but at that time, I was undoubtedly a huge stimulation: my vision was too narrow.
went to college and had insufficient living expenses, so I started to learn from others to work.
The place where I went to university was an third-level city . The economy was not developed enough, and the opportunities left to students were even rarer.
plus my inferiority complex and cowardice are not easy enough to try, nor are there any cost of trial and error.
For example, the local real estate development project recruits sales consultants. I went to try it and passed the training. I can notify me of paying a clothing fee of 500 yuan, and I withdraw.
is not that there is no 500 yuan, but that I am worried that if I can’t sell the house, isn’t the 500 yuan was wasted?
My friend advised me at the time: How could I not be able to sell a house? The real estate market is now in an upward period.
I don't believe it.
In my impression, the house is either rented or left by the older generation, so where do you need to buy it? Besides, a house worth one or two thousand per square meter is not expensive? How could so many people buy it?
In fact, this shows that due to the influence of the family environment, some of my ideas are completely different from those of children who grow up from normal families.
4,
My first job was pretty good, and I also cost more than 2,000 yuan a month, which is considered to be of medium level among my classmates who graduated the same year.
suddenly had so much money, and I didn’t dare to use it, so I started a more crazy money saving plan.
I am always afraid of wolves in front and tigers in the back. I am worried that I will lose my job one day, I am worried that my brother will lose money, and I am even more worried that when my parents are sick, I can’t even take out a penny.
I bought the newly received salary into a financial product as soon as possible, and then I paid myself a planned expense of 50 yuan a day. If I could save it, I would be rewarded with a discounted piece of clothing when the money I saved reached a certain amount.
At that time, I shared a house with my high school classmates. The parents of high school classmates are both in the medical system and the family is not short of money. The money she earns every month either buys clothes or has a big meal. Every year at the end of the month, she may ask for money from her family.
So when my classmates learned that I had saved more than 30,000 yuan in three years, they almost praised me to the sky!
But she didn't know that all my daily necessities were bought in 2 yuan or 5 yuan stores. She didn't know that I would only buy a piece of clothing for half a year, or something that costs dozens of yuan in the discount store.
Classmate asked me: Why are you saving money?
To be honest, I don’t know why I save money and buy a house? Thirty thousand yuan is too far away from the house; use it? I can't bear to leave it.
I only know that when I see the balance on the bank card, I feel safe and feel that the gap with others is a little smaller.
5,
My first love is my high school classmate.
His grades are not as good as mine and his height is not as good as mine. People who know that we are together think he is not worthy of me.
But only I know, I am not worthy of him. This kind of incompatibility is not external, but comes entirely from psychological and family.
His parents are teachers, and they are considered to be from a scholarly family.
I have imagined many times when the parents of both sides sat together: the other party’s parents were gentle and generous in their words and demeanors; while my parents were wearing white-washed clothes, and they spoke in a dialect; the other party talked about history and politics, my parents talked about family matters and the price of vegetables; the other party talked about where the pork tasted better, and my parents care about where the meat was cheaper.
The gap in the family environment finally made me choose to end this relationship.
My husband is a divorced man, fifteen years older than me.
His financial conditions are not bad, but compared to the first relationship, I can still find a little confidence in front of him: after all, he is a second marriage and has a child.
After getting married, our family’s financial conditions were pretty good, but my consumption concept was still stagnant: I would rather choose a cheaper one than a more quality one.
I will accompany my husband to the mall to buy clothes, and my own clothes are all bought on Taobao and the price will not exceed 100 yuan. It looks like that from a distance, but it can't stand the detailed look.
My husband always says to me: "Can't you buy two better clothes?"
"Why are women's clothes so good? Or is it outdated after wearing them for a season?"
This is not just for him to listen to, but for me to listen to.
After having a child, my husband had requirements for the quality of the ingredients and insisted that I go to the supermarket to buy groceries.
I can’t bear to bear it. Half a pound of meat in the supermarket costs 30 or 50 yuan, and a pound of meat in the vegetable market is the price. With him on my back, I secretly went to the vegetable market. Not only did I go to one, but also three nearby. After comparing the price, I returned to the first and the cheapest meat stall to buy it.
"Our family is not bad, can we live a little bit of quality?" My husband was very dissatisfied and gave me some suggestions several times.
"Is the meat in the supermarket necessarily good? Isn't it the same source as the meat in the vegetable market? It's just the ones who kill you suckers." I was confident.
Why don’t I want to live a more casual life? But the consumption concept that has been formed over the past few decades has become deeply rooted. I am reluctant to spend my money in these places and would rather save it.
is also because of insecure.
6.
is restricted by the poverty of my original family. When I was a child, I saw too few things and had a narrow vision. I didn’t want my children to be the same, so I would take her out for a trip when I had time.
On weekends, you either are in the suburbs or go to the newly opened museum; after holidays, you will go further away, the seaside, deserts, and grasslands. If conditions permit, you will also go abroad.
I want her to have a broader understanding, but I found that although she has broader vision, she is limited to seeing the above.
I dare not let her experience it personally.
The child was having fun seeing other children surfing in the sea, and he was clamoring to go; thinking about the equipment, and then having to hire a professional teacher, I waved my hand;
The child wanted to learn fencing, so I settled the score and shook his head: "Just learn badminton from your father."
The child wanted to learn violin . After hearing the class of 400 yuan per session, I rejected it again: "Learn ukulele , ukulele 200 yuan per ukulele, and only 80 yuan a class."
"You love money so much, and you can't bear to pay for a child's interest?" My husband asked me.
"What to learn is not learning, what is the use of having to learn that expensive? Besides, the child has no sense of character, so he doesn't want to learn it after two or three lessons. Isn't that a waste?"
money may be really important to me. I really can't stand them being wasted, so it's better to kill them in the cradle early in the morning.
Children are very willing to play with children, but only in the community. If I want to go out for dinner together or go to a further place, I can't bear it.
"Isn't it the same for mom and dad to take you there in the future?"
goes out with the children, and the food is more particular, and you can spend hundreds of dollars a day easily;
is different from us when you go out. The family can do whatever you want. Eat a bowl of noodles or fried rice, which is just a meal, and it won't be used for a hundred yuan.
Seeing that the child is getting less and less interested in talking to me, I only look for her father if I have something to do, and I am anxious: "What should I do? Shouldn't the child be closest to the mother?"
My husband sighed and looked at me: "For children, mothers are originally ranked first; but in your eyes, children are ranked behind the money!"
I was speechless.
7.
I began to try to adjust myself and try to spend money on my child's interests;
But every time I spent a penny, I would feel heartbroken for a long time and would think for a long time: "Is it worth it? If you spend like this, what should I do if I don't have money?"
The poverty of my original family still erodes me, and I struggled fiercely with the idea of changing;
even my parents said to me more than once: "Why are you doing that so good? Why do you wear such expensive clothes? Save a little and keep it in your hands to be the most secure!"
Actually, I don't like my petty care, but I have had enough of the days when I was not rich, and I don't want to go back to the days of borrowing money to live my life. Although my life is far from that kind of life, I am still scared.
Austrian Psychologist Adler once said: Happy people use childhood to heal their lives, and unfortunate people use their lives to heal their childhood.
I am spending my whole life making up for the shadow left by childhood poverty.
