In recent years, everyone has been saying that depression is related to the family of origin. Actually, not entirely. I suffered from depression because of something that happened to me in school.
My parents treat me very well and have taken good care of me since I was a child. The elders say that I was born in a honeypot. Although my family conditions were average and ordinary, my parents never lacked enough love for me. Therefore, I have had a good personality since childhood, being easy-going and cheerful.
In order for me to receive a better education, my parents sent me to a middle school in the city. In a new environment, I have just arrived, everything feels so fresh, and I am full of expectations for my future.
However, things did not go as I wanted. I encountered school bullying. That was something I never imagined as a teenager. Girls would have older sisters and lead a group of sisters. They laughed at me for not seeing the world, and at my simple mind. They couldn't stand it, called me a white lotus, and attacked me with words every day. Her group of sisters collectively isolated me.
That was the first time I knew what helplessness, darkness, and insecurity meant. The good school I once dreamed of studying in also had bad students with dirty minds and behaviors.
Some of the sisters were in the same dormitory as me. They played well with me in the morning, talking and laughing. In the afternoon, they went to the teacher to complain, confusing black and white, and framed me. I suddenly didn’t know how to understand the word friendship?
Of course she also stood in the team of big sisters and chose to isolate me. I didn't believe this was true. I asked her, why would she betray our friendship? She told me that the eldest sister had a background and strength, and she had no choice but to attach herself to the eldest sister.
Haha, this is simply a joke. As a teenager at the time, I couldn't accept this fact, but it left an indelible mark on my heart, which lasted for more than 20 years.
I am the only one left in my middle school life. I ate alone, went to bed alone, set up the examination room for the exam, moved so many books alone, ran alone, walked alone on the way to the teaching building...
Thinking about it now, I hate myself, why didn't I tell the teacher about this? Maybe I don’t have confidence! Because the teacher likes that girl very much, no matter how big a mistake she makes, the teacher will only criticize her a little and never see her being punished.
At that time, I secretly swore that when I grow up and become a teacher, I will protect every student in the class and prevent school bullying from happening. However, due to some other reasons, I failed to get into normal university and .
After so many years, this incident is like a thorn stuck in my throat and hurting in my heart. Today I finally mustered up the courage to tell it, and I feel a lot more relaxed.
In the past few days, I have been weak due to a cold, and the depression that has been cured has shown signs of recurrence. Thinking about the pain that depression has caused me, making it impossible for me to sleep, work, and even take care of myself, I feel like I am living as if I am superfluous, just like when they bullied me and kicked me out.
But now I don’t want to die, I want to live, I want to live desperately, I want to be like a child, sunny and cheerful, and every day of my life is warm and bright.
"Besides life and death, everything else is just scratches." I hope all depressed friends can come out of it as soon as possible and embrace their most beautiful selves as soon as possible.
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