Written before: In recent years, education reform, economic downturn, and the emergence of many uncertain factors have made many of us feel the aggravation of anxiety. This is a book that reads psychology works. This book will start with common problems in life and introduce a cl

is written in the previous article:

In recent years, education reform, economic downturn, and the emergence of many uncertain factors have made many of us feel the aggravation of anxiety. But we still need to learn to understand anxiety and improve our anxiety state. The new book "The Unworried Parents Club" produced by Tongxing Academy is to improve the anxiety of many parents.

This is a book that reads psychology works. This book will start with common problems in life and introduce a classic psychology book to you on each problem. Through the easy-to-understand disassembly and introduction of professional books, it will help everyone see their own hearts and children's hearts more clearly, thereby dispelling the fog of a fearful and worrying life and making our parenting life calm and calm, like seeing the clear blue sky and streams in the valley.

This new book promotion, all readers who place orders to buy books can get free access to the course experience camp of the Unhappy Parents Club; all users who place orders to buy the regular courses of the Unhappy Parents Club can get the signature gift book of Teacher Hao Jingfang .

The following text is selected from the introduction to "No Anxiety Parents Club".

How many problems do you feel anxious about in life?

Many people have talked about the anxiety of raising children, and my book is called "The Unworried Parents Club".

First of all, I need to ask: What is anxiety?

I have heard the best saying - fear is an emotion that feels about known dangers, and anxiety is an emotion that feels about unknown dangers.

Or it can be said that anxiety is the fear of things that have not happened at all.

Then why do we feel fear of things that have not happened yet, or the dangers that have not arrived yet? There are many possibilities here, as well as many psychological mechanisms for .

Everyone who is anxious has their own anxiety. I cannot exhaust all the situations here, just use a hypothetical consultation room and a few hypothetical characters and common small examples in life to describe the common characteristics of anxious people.

first, anxious people are full of imagination.

We imagine a couple of parents, Mr. Zhang and Mrs. Zhang, who are full of worries about their children's future and often imagine their children's future. For example, when they see that their children are very careless now, they imagine that their children will fail the college entrance examination in the future because of carelessness; or they will mess up something in their work in the future, and their leaders will blame them and lose their job.

They feel that their children are not serious now and will definitely have poor grades in the future. They are excluded in the class and the teacher does not like him. In this way, they will collapse in confidence and achieve nothing in the future.

For things that have not happened yet, especially for the future of the child, you will directly imagine the biggest risk, imagine that he will accomplish nothing because of a little bit of things and yell at the child because of worries. This is anxiety.

Second, anxious people are prone to notice negative situations.

We imagine a mother, Laura, when she came to ask a psychologist for a question, she said that her child had various shortcomings. The psychologist asked her: "Where did you observe these shortcomings?"

She described many events in life and said: "Although people around her think he is a smart and polite child, I still think that his ability to resist setbacks is too poor, which makes me worried."

What is strange is that Laura can also say that her child is smart and cute, and can understand the overall situation in all kinds of places, but she still can't help but pay attention to the child's small weaknesses. She was able to keenly find out that shortcoming in a long paragraph of feedback from the teacher to herself, and then she felt "Oh, my child must be particularly unwelcome to the teacher", so she quickly became worried.

33333333333, anxious people are prone to falling into memory and unable to let go.

Let’s imagine a mother, Ms. Li, who often recalls what happened when she was a child or when she was a child. She made a mistake and couldn’t help but wonder, would this incident lead to irreversible negative results? She felt that she couldn't get over what she hadn't done before, so she kept trying to find a supplement.

For example: "Oh, I didn't do English enlightenment before the child was three years old. Will this make the child lag behind others in English for the rest of his life? I feel so guilty. I still have time now. I have to let the child read English every day!"

When the child is not willing to cooperate with Ms. Li to read English, she will be very stubborn and force him to follow her plan every day. Once the child does not comply, she will break down. In fact, she also knows that a more peaceful mindset may work better, but she is still prone to collapse. In fact, she filled in the little pit of guilt in her heart, the pit that she felt that she had not done well before the child was three years old. Because of guilt, I am stubborn.

3333333334, anxious people always find it difficult to meet the needs of love.

Anxiety people often want others to love themselves, but they always feel that the need to be loved in their hearts is not satisfied. There may also be such a relationship between children and parents, especially when the child needs to leave his parents when he grows up.

Let’s imagine a mother, Aunt Zhao, who has an anxiety that she doesn’t realize: she thinks that the normal growth and independence of the child is to abandon herself, and will feel that “the child has grown up and no longer loves me, he wants to deny me, and he will never care about me again in the future.”

This panic and this unlimited need for love make Aunt Zhao accidentally want to keep her children by her side, and even repeat the time that children needed very much for their parents when they were childhood.

So, even though the child is in his thirties, she is still interfering in her child's life with anxiety. The so-called "no hassle, but you have to force yourself to create trouble" - when a child goes to college, he thinks "I have to tutor your college study", so he has to intervene; when a child looks for a girlfriend, he thinks that he definitely doesn't know how to find it, and he will definitely be deceived, so he has to intervene; when a child works, he thinks that "this job is not good, you see that you are so good at engaging in interpersonal relationships...", so he has to intervene.

The fundamental reason is that parents themselves are not prepared to separate from themselves. After the child truly becomes an independent person and is separated from his parents, the parents do not have a very down-to-earth, comfortable and safe state to carry out their future life. Instead, they are always at ease and unanticipated, and feel abandoned, so they keep interfering in their children's lives.

5Fifth, anxious gears are easy to start.

Let's imagine a father, Mr. Wang, who is a person who is prone to anxiety. When he hears others telling the truth, he calms down all of a sudden. However, when encountering other small things, it is very easy to start again, such as going out with others and comparing with others: "Oh, why are your own children so much worse?" So I immediately became anxious.

Mr. Wang witnessed something that has nothing to do with himself. For example, what type of child is there in a certain school, and he will suddenly think of "It's bad, will my educational method make my child like this?" Or, when he hears other people's comments, others say "Hey, what's happening to someone...", he will think of: "Is this talking about me insincerely?" If this type of anxious gear starts at any time in life, it will be difficult for a person to maintain a relaxed state as a whole in life. Once the anxious gear is started, it is not easy to stop.

6, anxious people often pursue perfection.

Let's imagine such a young mother, Xiaolan, who has a very good job, working overtime from time to time in a big company in the rising period; she has a child who is just two and a half years old.

She was very hesitant about how much she should invest in her work. She really wanted to become a "glorious mother" who was both in career and family, but she fell into depression many times: she went home too late and the child was already asleep. Her family accused her of quarreling with her family, and she felt very guilty herself; but in fact, at work, she had reduced her workload compared to other colleagues, and her achievements were not as good as others, so it was difficult to become the person in the center of the stage she longed to be.

She read a lot of parenting articles and made up her mind to become a new era mother, independent, wise, and scientific methods. But she didn't know how to become such a mother. When she was working, she felt guilty that she had not been with her children and had difficulty concentrating on her work; when she was with her, she felt guilty that she had not been with her work, so she was full of anxiety and was difficult to accompany her.

Xiao Lan’s deeper doubts are: “Can I become an ideal self?” The gap between ideal and reality is the source of anxiety.

All of these are common anxiety for us. If we say "don't worry", what will anxious people react?

Mr. Zhang and Mrs. Zhang said, "We don't want to be anxious either, it's just that the future of the child is worrying."

Laura will say, "I don't want to be anxious either, it's just that I can't ignore the shortcomings of the child."

Ms. Li will say, "I don't want to be anxious either, it's just that I'm really worried about the impact of the previous incident."

Aunt Zhao will say, "I'm also worried about the impact of that incident."

Aunt Zhao will say, "I'm also my faults." I don’t want to be anxious, but my child is just not independent enough. "

Mr. Wang will say, "I don’t want to be anxious either, but others are so confused. It’s okay to be anxious."

Xiao Lan will say, "I don’t want to be anxious either, but how can people give up their pursuit of their ideal self? "

Every anxious person has reasons to have to be anxious, but frequent anxiety, as a long-term psychological pressure, will cause great wear and tear on life and the mental state of oneself.

Anxiety has a positive side, such as making people keep alert and fighting spirit, but anxiety often causes trouble to life, making people nervous and easily collapse, and there is too much internal friction when unnecessary.

The opposite of anxiety is to rest assured: I am very good, my life is very good, and my children are also very good. In those corners that I don’t pay much attention to, things are actually running well, and the world will not collapse just because I pay less attention. Anxiety is a sense of insecurity in life, and the opposite of anxiety is a sense of security in life.

What can we do to relieve anxiety? We can have three basic beliefs:

First, because of understanding, we are not anxious.

Anxiety is a fear of unknown dangers. I feel that life is full of fog and I have to worry. Therefore, the best way to resolve anxiety is not to simply say "Don't be anxious", but to understand the "unknown" and let the fog disappear. There are many unknowns that come from a person’s disunderstanding of himself, his child’s inner self and growth laws. Once he understands it, he will find that many things he is worried about are normal and there is no need to worry too much.

In fact, many of the problems and problems of children are like broken skin and scratched scabs left behind, which can be repaired and healed. Children's own growth power will repair many scabs. If you understand this, it will not be easy to worry about small things.

second, you can accept yourself and trust your children.

Many people's anxiety comes from panic in their hearts and cannot accept the life state after removing the "ideal self".Only then do we realize that the most anxious thing is often to accept reality.

At this time, a person needs to say "it's okay" to himself. It’s not that “it doesn’t matter, you are always the best”, but that “it doesn’t matter if you can’t become an ideal self.” When a person completely accepts the reality of himself, it is equivalent to giving everything a safe bottom line: just like now, it doesn't matter. From then on, there was no fear.

Then, you will find that everything you do is light, you can still work hard, try, and pursue, but you no longer panic, and no longer compete. If a person accepts himself, it is easy to accept real children. He no longer tries to transform his children, but believes that the children are good and can live a good life on his own in the future. And this will become a belief in self-realization.

3, 60 points, mother is a good mother.

British psychologist Winnicott once put forward a point of view: "You don't need to be a perfect mother with 100 points, just be a GoodEnoughMother." This GoodEnough can be translated as "almost good mother", that is, you don't need to pursue comprehensiveness. To reach 60 points, you are a good mother. Why is this true for

? The reason is that a "ideal good mother" is too obsessed with her own perfection, which will prevent her children from real growth. The growth of a child must be accompanied by independence, and the "ideal good mother" is a mother who does everything for her child, which will make her child unable to achieve independence in her life.

More importantly, "ideal good mother" will subconsciously treat her children as her transcript. Therefore, the more you have the formula "Ideal Good Mom = Ideal Good Child" in your heart, the more you don't allow your child to fail. Such imaginations of life often lead to paranoia. Only by treating your life and your children's lives as independent and accepting imperfect reality can you loosen your children and yourself.

Letting go of anxiety means that people can learn to understand the past, live in the present, accept themselves, and believe in the future.

This is a book that reads psychology works. We will start with common problems in life and introduce a classic psychology book to you on each problem. Through the easy-to-understand disassembly and introduction of professional books, we hope that everyone will see their hearts and children's hearts more clearly, thereby dispelling the fog of a fearful and worrying life and making our parenting life calm and calm, like seeing the clear blue sky and streams in the valley.

We hope to make everyone mature people facing and dealing with all problems. Only in this way can mature people sublimate the stress of anxiety into a positive force in their lives.

Thank you to the teaching and research consultant and psychological counselor of Tongxing Academy’s No Anxiety Parents Club, and thank you to Li Zhihua, Huang Jing and Gu Xiaoyan of the No Anxiety Parents Club for helping me sort out the manuscript. Thank you to the editorial team for their professional opinions and strong support. I hope we can always move forward together on the road of parenting.

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