The "strategic policy" changes many people who come to treat the treatment will be eager to remove symptoms, such as depression, blushing, stuttering, introverted personality, fear, anxiety and any problems he does not want to have. But there is a saying that goes, "Problems exis

Changes in "Strategic Policy"

Many people who come to treat will urgently want to remove symptoms, such as depression, blushing, stuttering, introverted personality, fear, anxiety and any problems he does not want to have. But there is a saying that goes, "Problems exist because of resolution." Sometimes, it is precisely because of being too obsessed with "symptoms" that make "symptoms" become symptoms.

I remember many patients talked to me about what would happen if there was no depression, what would happen if there were no shortcomings, and how would it be welcomed by others if there was no longer any nervousness. I had similar fantasies when I was in depression. Later, I finally realized that the problem is not depression, but that I have always regarded depression as a barrier to not being able to achieve an ideal self, so I fell into the vortex of my own. A male patient is very afraid of being hurt, and even when others look at him twice or spit a mouthful of phlegm on the ground, he is frightened and uneasy. In order not to be hurt, he will unconsciously act strong in life and will also stare at those who have "hurt" him or may "hurt" him with an angry look. Therefore, he lives in anxiety and anger all day long. Later, he told me that change really began when he realized that the problem was not that he was vulnerable, but why he was so sensitive and began to look for the reasons why fear was hurt.

So, When we pay too much attention to the symptoms, we will ignore the essence of the problem; when we are eager to eliminate the symptoms, we will lose the possibility of self-understanding . Some patients who come to seek treatment are very concerned about the symptoms themselves and are eager to find ways to eliminate the symptoms, but they do not reflect on why others are worried about themselves; why others are not afraid of themselves are afraid of themselves; why others are not concerned about themselves are sensitive; why others are not sensitive to themselves; why others are not inferior to themselves can make themselves inferior... In fact, the symptoms are just like drug dealers selling drugs on the street. Good detectives need to bring them to justice, but good detectives also know the principle of "making a long line and catching big fish". They often start from these subtle clues to find the real murderer behind the scenes. Otherwise, if a small drug dealer was arrested today, a new batch would appear tomorrow. A female patient, in high school, said to her mother, "Why don't your eyes look at people?" Since then, she has been paying close attention to her eyes, afraid that others will find something wrong with her eyes. After joining the work, the kindness of her colleagues around her eliminated her concerns. After that, she began to worry about whether her smile was normal, and she was afraid that she would have a "bitter face" when she smiled, so when she was having dinner with her colleagues, it was the most frightening thing for her because she was afraid that her colleagues would find her "bitter face" and thought she was stingy and afraid of spending money. Another male patient was extremely afraid of death and fainting because of a panic attack, fearing everything that would affect his health. He also quit smoking as quickly as possible and stayed away from those smoking friends. He thought that if he did this, he would be safe, but one day in the hospital, he heard others say: Anxious people will become mentally ill. After that, he was no longer afraid of death and began to be afraid that he would go crazy... The transfer of symptoms means that the root cause of the problem has not been found, and it has not been solved, so we need to think further: why we are trapped by "symptoms". If you just want to eliminate temporary symptoms, then new problems will always come to you.

Change of strategic policy: We should shift from focusing on symptoms to thinking about the causes of symptoms. In fact, symptoms are just a manifestation of the problem, and they imply more important "content". A female patient, she fears fainting, death, and sleep. The reason why she fears sleep is that it is an unconscious state and she is afraid of losing control over herself. Her motivation for coming to the treatment was to let me help her solve these "symptoms". But if treatment only stays on solving surface fears, there will be nothing to gain.Sleep, fainting, and death are all things that we cannot control. Why is she so afraid of such uncontrollable events? Why don’t others worry about these issues she is worried about? Why can't she face the uncertainty of life? These are a question we need to think about. Logically we can know that when a person is extremely afraid of uncertainty, it actually reflects his "pursuit" of wanting to control everything in his hands. It is precisely because reality cannot satisfy his need to control everything and stay away from all "bad things", that is why he is afraid of reality and the possibility of "one in ten thousand". From this we can find that she has always tried to pursue an absolute sense of security, but in reality, there is no absolute security she requires, so this is a pathological requirement. At this time, we need to think further, where does her pathological demands come from? Why did she make such "non-human" demands on herself and her life, and kept trying to keep herself in a fantasy safe world? After analyzing this, we need to expand from one "point" to the entire "surface" to further understand what kind of person she is and what kind of "pursuit" she has in life. It turns out that when others participate in study classes, she will be anxious, when others get better education, she will be inferior, and when others find a good husband, she will be jealous and vow to find a better one, and she will not dare to have a deep relationship with others, because in this way, others will understand her, and she will not be able to leave a perfect image for others... From this we will find her another pathological requirement: to surpass everyone and leave a good impression on everyone. It is precisely because of this pathological requirement that she pays so much attention to the things that others are worse than herself and only focuses on the things that are inferior to others (in fact, she has a good appearance and family background, but she often ignores these good things). Although she has become a "leftover woman", she is still picky about her feelings. Either the other party is not "familiar with her", or the other party is not "character" enough, or she is not handsome enough... In short, she is almost disappointed with Chinese men because she can't meet what she wants. From this we can infer one thing: it’s not that others are not good enough, but that she has a high vision, so she is disappointed with the men around her, even the Chinese. By focusing these pathological requirements, we can form a picture of her asking all bad things to stay away from herself and live in an absolutely safe world. All uncertainties need to become certain in her, and everything that cannot be controlled needs to be controlled in her. Moreover, she also has to surpass everyone, combine the advantages of everyone, leave a good impression on everyone, and find a perfect man to be worthy of her.

The picture is getting clearer and clearer. From these "symptoms", we slowly found her needs and found that her requirements are so "non-human". So if the "mortals" are not worried, she will worry; if the "mortals" are not sensitive, she will be sensitive; if the "mortals" can accept, she will not accept; if the "mortals" can face, she will not face. Then we must continue to reflect on who she regards herself as, so that she dares to make such "non-human" demands on herself and also "devotes all her efforts" to it. In fact, she did not really regard herself as a "mortal", so she was unable to face the reality and world that "mortals" could face. From this analysis, we can draw the following conclusion: in fact, there is no problem with her sleep, she does not faint or die so easily, nor is she very ignorant or failed. The real problem lies in her pathological conceit (simply put, it is a kind of "arrogance" based on fantasy), and the resulting pathological demands of wanting to control everything and transcend everything (when a person regards himself as "Sun Wukong", even if he asks himself to be able to "seventy-two changes", he will not feel that this requirement is excessive). Therefore, when the perfect self and life she imagines in reality will be unable to achieve in reality, "symptoms" will arise.If she does not give up on this pathological ego and pathological requirement, then the "symptoms" will not be relieved, and even if it is relieved, it will change into another form. If the pathological conceit continues, then any problem that is not a problem will become a problem - as long as you encounter something that she cannot control, as long as others surpass her in some respect, as long as she cannot achieve the perfection she imagines, "symptoms" will appear. The real solution is to give up this pathological conceit and not turn the real self into the "perfect person" in the fantasy. If you continue to be driven by pathological conceit and strive to transform your reality and your real self, you will never be able to find true happiness and confidence.

Another example: a male patient has obvious social phobia symptoms since he was a graduate student. He will feel nervous when he sees a leader or a beautiful and cheerful girl, and faces some occasions where he speaks in public, and he can also feel a slight shaking of his head. Even when he was having a reunion with his classmates, he would be very nervous and would feel that he was smiling unnaturally. He never talked about these issues with his friends and lovers, but he would cry alone at night, and he even had the idea of ​​committing suicide because of this. He came for treatment, of course he wanted me to help him get rid of these symptoms, and also hoped that I would say some "clever" methods to see the results immediately. But after "treatment" is "understanding", if you don't understand him in depth, you will not really understand his symptoms, and treatment can only stay on the surface.

As the treatment deepened, I gradually became more and more aware of him. His parents had five children in total, he was the youngest, and his parents were 45 years old when they gave birth to him. Since childhood, his parents loved him very much and did not learn much discipline him. He still remembers that when he was in elementary school, the teacher asked him to give a speech on stage, but because he was nervous, he did not say goodbye. From then on, he tried his best to avoid speaking in public. It’s not because he is not interested, but because of fear - he is afraid of failure, and also afraid of the way others look at him when he fails. From childhood to adulthood, he has always had good academic performance. He was admitted to a good university during the college entrance examination, but he was unhappy because he obeyed the transfer when filling out the application form, so he went to a major that he didn't like. Later, in order not to return to his hometown to work, he chose to take the postgraduate entrance examination. He had the opportunity to choose a major again, but he was still afraid of failure, so he finally chose this major. During his postgraduate study, he had a relatively relaxed life, but when he was about to graduate, he was about to join the party, and he became nervous and sweaty when he introduced himself in public. He thought it was embarrassing, so he became even more afraid of talking in public. Although he had been trying to downplay this problem in the following years, this was still a hurdle in his heart. Later, at a classmate's wedding ceremony, when everyone was laughing happily, he suddenly realized that he was not smiling well, and then he became sensitive to smiles, afraid that others would think that he would not smile naturally.

Not only is he sensitive to his performance in front of others, but he also has high standards for doing things. For example, when cleaning, he must clean it spotlessly and not let go of any dust. Moreover, he educates his children even more "seriously" and does not tolerate any bad things for the child. As long as the child makes a small mistake, he will beat the child up. During the holidays, if he played games for two days without studying, he would feel guilty and blame himself. When he is giving lectures to others, he will be anxious for a long time just because he has not nodded to the audience before the lecture... In short, he cannot have any flaws or imperfections in his work. If he cannot achieve it, he will be anxious for a long time.

He is very afraid of the feeling that he is not as good as others. Even if he asks elders for help for his children's schooling problem, it makes him extremely scared, because asking for help makes him look inferior. And when he gets recognition and praise from others, he will be a little fluttering. The better the relationship between the people around him and him, the more he can't stand others better than him. Even if he buys a car, he still has to compare with others and must buy a better one than the people around him.In fact, he can also realize that something is wrong with doing this, but he just can't give up because he is afraid that he will become "degenerate" and that he will become "pursuing".

When he was a child, he often had a dream: he was chased by others and was very scared, but even if he was caught up, nothing happened. He will also dream of some dreams that he can fly, and in which he can fly with his hands.

He also has some fantasies in life, such as being very relaxed and calm in interpersonal relationships, and his performance and condition are also very good. Sometimes, he also fantasizes about becoming a great person, such as the Einstein he admires.

Here, we can summarize some rules: he is afraid of being surpassed by others, and is afraid that others will find his imperfections, so he will try to do things perfectly, not out of love for things itself, but out of fear of being surpassed by others and being despised by others. Moreover, even if he is closest to the person he will disguise himself well and do not want others to discover his "flaws" and "fragility". His dreams and fantasies reflect his "needs" and "pursuits": he flew up and became a great person.

At this time, we can roughly understand its symptoms. In fact, his nervousness in front of others comes from the fear of being discovered by others. His symptoms are just a "stumbling block" for his "pursuing", not how bad it is. His extraordinary "seriousness" in doing things is just an effort to surpass others... In fact, the real problem is not how bad he performs in front of others, but the pathological demands deep in his heart. It is because he has been trying to be perfect in front of others and has been trying to surpass everyone that he cannot accept his imperfections and face his own inferiority. Anything that hinders his "pursuance" will scare him, and any aspect that fails to meet his expectations will become a symptom. Therefore, only by giving up the pathological pursuit in his heart can he accept the "symptoms" and live a real life.

It seems that we can "close the case", but there is another detail worth our attention: the patient can also realize that something is wrong with doing this, but he just cannot give up because he is afraid that he will become "degenerate" and will not "pursuit". In fact, he also realized the irrationality of his pursuit, and realized that only by giving up this pursuit can he live a peaceful life, but he just cannot give up his "greed". At this time, we need to further think about the source of these pathological pursuits, why he made such "non-human" demands to himself and was still "persistent". In the previous case, we talked about that when a person regards himself as "Sun Wukong", he will not feel that asking for himself will be "seventy-two changes", so when a person regards himself as "superman", he will naturally think that he is perfect and surpasses everyone. This pursuit is very legitimate. It can be seen that pathological pursuits and demands arise from pathological conceit. When a person is extremely arrogant and regards this self-inflated fantasy as a reality, he will ignore the objective reality and the limitations of human beings, and then put forward various "non-human" requirements for himself. At this point, we can see that he cannot give up his pathological pursuit because he is unwilling to give up his conceited fantasy, he is unwilling to "degenerate" to the same as the "mortals" of the people around him, and he is unwilling to face the reality that he is just "one person"... Therefore, the "real murderer" is not a visible "symptom", but his idealized self. It is precisely because he regards his fantasy self as his real self and requires him to achieve his imagination in all aspects, so that he will be so resentful of his small shortcomings and mistakes. The entanglement of symptoms reflects his inner struggle - the war between his idealized self and his true self.

From these two cases we will find that the symptoms are just an appearance, so we cannot blindly find ways to overcome them. We need to reflect on why we regard all this as a symptom.Only when we try to understand ourselves, understand our needs, and thus discover what kind of person we are deep in our hearts can we truly understand and truly accept the symptoms and become a real and real person.