Have you had the following experiences -
Sometimes I feel out of place with my family and friends;
is unwilling to rely on others;
does not like to ask for help from others;
is complained about being indifferent and distant by friends or family;
often likes to be alone;
feel uncomfortable in social situations;
is often disappointed with yourself;
is more harsh to yourself than others;
is often compared to others, and feels that you are not as good as others;
is compared to others;
is often compared to others, and feels that you are not as good as others;
is more harsh to yourself;
is often compared to others, and feels that you are not as good as others;
is more ruthless to yourself;
is often compared to others, and feels that you are not as good as others;
is more ruthless to yourself; Humans prefer animals;
often feel irritable and unhappy for no reason;
does not know their feelings;
cannot figure out their strengths and weaknesses;
often feels like a bystander;
believes that it is easy for you to live a hermit life;
is difficult to calm down;
always feels that something is dragging you down, making you unable to live in the present;
will feel empty inside;
vaguely feels that you have something to do with it;
is difficult to self-discipline.
If there is an option to select "yes", this indicates that in these aspects you may have experienced emotional neglect.
"Emotional Neglect" is a concept proposed in the book "Negated Children: How to Overcome Emotional Neglect in Childhood". It is an invisible force, something that a person lacks in childhood.
It is difficult to detect, but it has a profound impact on a person's life.
1. What are the characteristics of children who have experienced emotional neglect?
Children who have been ignored by emotions mainly have the following characteristics -
sense of emptiness, do not like to rely on others, have unrealistic evaluations of themselves, have no sympathy for themselves, but are full of sympathy for others, often have guilt and shame, often blame themselves, find it difficult to care for themselves and others, have poor self-discipline ability, and lack of understanding and understanding of their own emotions.
Children who have experienced emotional neglect, their emotional "bucket" seems to be unsatisfied forever.
Even if they succeed when they grow up, they still feel empty inside, as if they are missing something necessary, but they cannot be said; they are deeply troubled and struggled, and no one can see them.
They don’t even understand themselves, what’s wrong.
2. A comprehensive inventory of six types of parents who are prone to emotional ignorance.
The parents of children who cause emotional neglect to their children have no difference at first glance from healthy education methods, but in fact, there is a big difference.
is like mushrooms in the forest. Some are delicious foods, while others are fatal. The similarity is only on the surface.
What type of parents are there that easily cause emotional neglect for children? There are mainly six types of parents.
Narcissistic parents, authoritarian parents, indulgent parents, workaholic parents, children that is, parents and "all for your good" parents.
Next, let’s take a look at what characteristics these parents have?
(1) Narcissistic parents
Parents like this often hope that their children will become perfect incarnations and cannot embarrass their parents;
They regard their children as extensions of themselves, while ignoring that their children are independent people;
They do not like their children to express their wishes.
(2) Authoritarian parents
Parents like
often advocate rules, restrictions and punishments. They are neither flexible nor raising children in a tough way;
They have many requirements for their children and cannot question their parents;
They ask their children according to the templates inherent in their minds, without considering their children's feelings and personality types at all.
(3) Indulgent parents
. Parents like them do not establish any restrictions or rules for their children. They seem to be loved by their children and do not conflict with them, but the children do not get enough feedback from them, and they cannot learn how to be responsible for their behavior.
(4) Workaholic parents
Parents like this are usually strong in career and pursue success. They are sought after by people around them; however, their children are suffering silently.
Children appear to have successful career parents and generous financial conditions, but their relationship is not important, and their parents will not pay too much attention to them.
(5) Parents of child type
Parents like this encourage or force their children to act like adults, not children.
Sometimes, the child must take care of himself, and also his siblings, and he even takes care of his parents.
(6) "All for your good" type parents
Parents such as parents account for the most. They often control their children in the name of "All for your good";
Once the children do not listen to their own or do not do as they ask, they will even " moral kidnapping " on their children.
and above are just common parents who are prone to ignore their children's emotions. Some parents appear several types at the same time.
3. Your life can still be bright.
When you look back on your growth experience and have been ignored by your parents, you will feel uncomfortable, lost, and even painful inside.
The past has passed and we cannot go back, but we can change our views and live the present well with those past injuries and move towards a better future.
first, acknowledge and accept the harm that the original family once brought to us.
Accepting and acknowledging the neglect and even hurting us by our closest parents and our blood-related parents, it takes great courage.
Especially in our country, we advocate filial piety and you cannot resent or complain about your parents;
If you are dissatisfied with your parents, people around you will accuse you, and some will even "moral kidnapping" you.
does not admit that they have ignored or hurts, and they will never be able to fix those harms.
Parents are not gods, they will also have shortcomings. We must admit and accept the harm our parents have hurt us. This is the beginning of repairing the harm.
It’s like someone else stepping on us, we feel it hurts. Whether he did it on purpose or not, we can shout out loud, “I feel pain.”
Second, redefine past memories.
When we recall the past, some pain may still remain in our minds.
Emotions can obscur memory: when you feel beautiful, you feel that the past is beautiful; when you feel painful, you feel that the past is also painful.
Things are still the same thing, but our feelings are different, and our interpretations of things are also different.
Emotion ABC theory tells us that what affects our emotions is not the event itself, but our view of events.
When we recall the neglect or harm brought to us by the original family, we can redefine it.
For example: It was not easy for parents to live at that time. The reason they ignored us was because it was the best way they could give us at that time.
Go back to their original family, they have never received the feeling of love, so how can they have the ability to give us full of love?
In the past, when they lived, even material life became a problem. How could they have the heart to take care of our feelings so carefully?
Redefining past memories is not to make excuses for the mistakes parents have made, but to reconcile with the past, look at the past in a different way, dig out good factors from bad things, and let yourself go.
Third, use narrative to relieve the accumulated emotions.
When we were young, either because of our parents’ negligence, or because of our parents’ improper parenting methods, or because our parents’ inability to give us ideal acceptance and love, negative emotions may accumulate in our hearts and make it impossible for us to relieve them.
These negative emotions will not disappear by themselves over time; they may become more and more, affecting us in various ways where we realize or are not aware of it.
Faced with these negative emotions, we can be self-aware, and then go back to the scenes where emotions such as sadness, fear, anxiety, or worry are produced, go back to see the once helpless self, go back to hug the once helpless little boy or girl, and their pain will be slowly repaired.
is taken away by yourself and telling the things you have experienced, just like telling other people’s stories, slowly easing those once suppressed emotions.
Fourth, stop the control of the invisible baton.
From childhood to adulthood, we may develop many unreasonable beliefs; if these unreasonable beliefs are not adjusted and corrected in time, they may cause us to fall into depression.
For example: worrying about being hurt without exposing yourself; blaming yourself for all your mistakes; over-reliance on others emotionally; viewing things in black or white; catastrophic thoughts; focusing only on or amplifying the bad side of things, etc.
These unreasonable beliefs affect us all the time, and can easily make us feel depressed or even depressed.
They are like an invisible baton, controlling us.
"You are not good-looking", "You have poor grades", "You can't do it no matter how you do it", "You are bad"... These past denials may also be from the voices of the outside world, or they may be from your own inner self.
In any case, they don’t really mean you are bad. It is possible that when you were a child, you were dealing with different members of your original family. They passed on to you because of their dissatisfaction, and you actually carried it for so many years.
It is time to remove these burdens, it is time to look at yourself again, and don’t be controlled by those invisible batons, get rid of those controls, and tear off those unreasonable labels that have been labeled innocently.
No one’s original family is perfect. We should not blame our dissatisfaction and neglect and harm we have suffered on the original family, but should take the history of the original family and move towards a bright future.
chuxue, national second-level psychological counselor , author of MCN matrix of Kechai Academy, author of top news education channel.
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