Author | Li Walnut
Some people say that the biggest humiliation for parents is when their children enter adolescence.
How to educate adolescent children has become the most troublesome problem for many parents.
What do adolescent children want?
Wang Zhanjun, director of of the Chinese Education Society, said one thing.
Once he drove his daughter to extracurricular classes, and her daughter sat in the back seat drinking coffee.
He was worried about spilling the coffee, so he warned: Put the coffee cup on the stand and don't spill it.
As soon as he finished speaking, he felt: It’s broken!
Sure enough, his daughter yelled at him irritably: "I just wanted to let it go, and you reminded me, do you think I should let it go or not? If I let it go, will it be yours or mine?"
He quickly apologized and took back his words.
writer Mai Jia said : "Accompanying adolescent children is, to put it harshly, like accompanying a tiger. You have to be careful."
If you accidentally provoke him, you can slander your parents and quarrel, run away from home, or even do more extreme things.
Why do adolescent children lose their temper so easily?
"Why My Adolescent Child Won't Talk to Me" points out that this is due to huge changes in hormones and the brain, which lead to children's emotional problems.
Developmental psychology believes that children’s awareness of autonomy has awakened, and they want to make their own decisions in everything and get rid of the control of their parents, thereby proving that "I have grown up."
If parents are not aware of this, do not allow their children to make their own decisions, or even forcefully control them in a way that hurts their self-esteem, they will encounter fierce resistance from their children.
A few days ago, a 15-year-old girl in Changzhou, Jiangsu Province, tore her mother apart in the street, screaming and crying.
Just because the girl’s old mobile phone is broken, she wants to buy an Apple 13. She saved 4,000 yuan from working part-time, and her mother promised to make up the remaining 2,000 yuan.
But after arriving at the mall, my uncle said, "The old mobile phone can still be used after being repaired." Mom regretted it, and the mother and daughter had a quarrel.
At the entrance of the shopping mall where people were coming and going, the mother scolded her daughter in various ways, and the onlookers also accused her daughter of being ignorant.
A girl in puberty values dignity more than anything else. How can she accept such onlookers and criticism?
She was ashamed and asked her mother to leave quickly, but her mother not only refused, but continued to scold her.
She had an emotional breakdown! This was the scene where the mother was being torn and beaten.
It is really a disaster for adolescent children to meet self-righteous parents.
After the news broke, many netizens said:
Although the girl's behavior was inappropriate, the mother has a greater responsibility. You don't have to support it, but don't go back on your word, let alone insult her in the street. She doesn't treat her child as a dignified person at all.
The book "Decoding Adolescence" points out that teenage children are the most self-centered, especially eager to gain freedom, respect, and recognition from others, so they often have thoughts like this:
If these needs are not met, they will feel offended, and they will be easily irritable, irritable, and out of control, and severe parent-child conflicts will arise.
Therefore, ignoring children’s psychological needs and emotional feelings is the root cause of parent-child conflicts in adolescence.
Smart parents should be "consultants", not "managers"
I watched a video in which a girl sent a WeChat message to her classmates about going to the exhibition hall on Saturday.
My mother suggested: "Go on Sunday and finish your homework first on Saturday."
The girl said dissatisfiedly: "I have made an appointment with my classmates."
The mother began to nag:
"I haven't finished my homework, and I keep thinking about it. . What will you do if you don’t get into college in the future? Look at someone in your class doing papers at home all weekend...” My daughter became impatient: “Don’t worry!”
The mother was even more excited: "I am your mother, I don't care who cares about you! I only care about you for your own good..."
The daughter was so angry that she pushed her mother out of the room and locked the door.
American Ed.D. Michael Rivera said:
"Before adolescence, you play the role of 'manager' in the child's life.
If you want to have a positive impact on your children during their adolescence and beyond, you must change your role, become a consultant, and go back to work. ”
The manager controls, restrains, and guides, and is the leader.
Consultants provide advice based on experience and are influencers.
Smart parents act as "consultants" and give their children more autonomy instead of controlling and restricting everything in detail.
Because adolescence is the transition period from children to adults, children learn to arrange their own food, clothing, housing, transportation, and play at this stage, and learn to make decisions about their own lives.
Parents’ excessive control not only deprives their children of the opportunity to face and solve problems on their own, but also ignores their children’s emotional feelings of wanting to make decisions for themselves.
Children who have never been able to make decisions for themselves may have their way of thinking stuck in adolescence forever.
Either they are prone to disputes with their parents as adults, or they simply become "giant babies" who obey their parents in everything.
That rebellious child actually needs the help of his parents
In "The Story of Youth", there is a boy named Gong Hao in the first grade of junior high school. He knows that he has reached the rebellious period of youth. He likes to do things according to his own will, gets angry easily and quarrels with his parents.
But he also wanted to control his temper, but he couldn't.
So he wiped his tears and said to his parents: "I also want to change and become better.
I hope you can help me instead of just criticizing me.Can you help me get through this rebellious phase? ”
Adolescent children seem to have their own way with everything.
However, due to limitations of age and experience, their ideas, practices, and abilities are not mature enough, and they need more help from their parents.
Such naughty children test their parents’ educational wisdom ht. ml4
"Consultant" parents know how to influence their children in these aspects
ht. ml3 (1) Provide the child with ideas, but let him make his own decisions.
Psychological counselor Wang Zhanjun’s daughter was a bit biased when she was in junior high school. He wanted to help her, but she was unwilling ht. ml4
So he wrote a " cover letter " to his daughter, hoping to apply for her daughter's "study consultant", but asked her to pay a monthly salary of 1 yuan. 2 The daughter felt that she could hire or fire her father as needed, so she agreed, and finally got on the right track quickly with her father's help. The biggest characteristic of "consultative parents" is that they "provide services" rather than make decisions. Children can not only learn from the consultant's experience, but also make decisions on their own. Decide, why not? The book "Don't Compete with Adolescent Children" says: "When a child finds that you respect him, he will be reasonable. ” We know more than our children, but we don’t necessarily want our children to interfere in their affairs. So when a child needs help, parents can provide an idea or multiple ideas and let the child weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. (2) Pay attention to the child’s emotional feelings first, and then talk about reasonable things. Professor Li Meijin said: “Education of children must put emotions first and discipline last. " Adolescent children do not want advice or nagging, but they do not refuse to understand and empathize. It is easier to win their cooperation by satisfying their emotional needs. The book "How to speak so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children are willing to speak" provides a communication method for establishing an empathic relationship with children. There are 4 steps for specific application: htm The fourth step is to realize their wishes in a fantasy way instead of directly making suggestions. For example, when the child does not like to do the test paper, you can do this: Let the child vent his dissatisfaction with the test paper, Use short responses of "um" and "oh" to make the child feel cared for. Then express the child's feelings: It is really annoying to have to take papers every day. Finally, imagine: "It would be nice if there were no exams. ” Children will understand on their own, it is better to accept the status quo honestly and study with peace of mind! When children feel accepted, it is easier for children to feel respected, and therefore it is easier to cooperate with parents’ education. (3) Have a good relationship with your children before the age of 12 A US study on teenagers around the world found: Only one in five children is rebellious in adolescence. In a warm, supportive family atmosphere, there will be less chance of parent-child conflict. In a hostile, coercive, and critical family atmosphere, parent-child conflict will further worsen. Therefore, if an adolescent child likes to confront his parents, it means that there was a problem with their parent-child relationship a long time ago. It’s just that the children were young and relatively dependent on their parents at the time, so the problems were covered up. Therefore, before puberty arrives, parents must establish a good parent-child relationship with their children. html Before the age of 33, establish an emotionally dependent relationship with him, raise him personally as much as possible, and establish a close emotional link with him.
html Between the ages of 34 and 6, children begin to establish rules so that they can have a sense of awe and distinguish right from wrong.
html From 37 to 12 years old, supervise him to develop good study habits and learn self-restraint, self-discipline and self-control from an early age.
After the age of 12, parents’ words become “garbage”.
At this time, we should talk less and listen more, give suggestions instead of making decisions for him, and let the child be independent.
The book "Decoding Adolescence" says: "When children grow into teenagers, their physical, cognitive, emotional, and social aspects will undergo tremendous changes. So what they need from their parents will also be different."
When children are young, they need us to be good nannies and take care of them in all aspects.
By adolescence, children are more eager to manage themselves and grow freely, and the rules of the game between them and their parents have changed.
Meet the different needs of children at different long stages. This is what wise parents do.
After he gets through this awkward and awkward period smoothly, he will accept his parents again.
It is instinct for children to be rebellious. After the rebellious period is over, they are still willing to trust their parents. This is the ability of parents.
——End——
Author: Li Walnut, a social science book editor, is on the road to marriage, looking for the password to parenting. Some of the pictures in this article are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.
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