Network image infringement and delete
. I will divide it into three parts to tell the book.
Part 1: What are the characteristics of emotional neglect? Why did it happen?
Part 2: What will the impact of long-term emotional neglect?
Part 3: How to reduce the harm caused by emotional neglect?
Part 1: What are the characteristics of emotional neglect? Why did it happen?
In the author's view, parents' emotional neglect is usually reflected in two situations: the first type is called acute empathy failure, which refers to neglect in times of major crisis. For example, the child has diarrhea anxiously before the college entrance examination, but the parents don’t care. The second type is called chronic empathy failure, which refers to long-term blindness to a certain aspect of the child’s needs during the child’s growth. For example, parents have long ignored their children's interpersonal, learning, and mental growth.
Pure emotional neglect is difficult to detect, it is not like material neglect or physical abuse. Moreover, many children who experience emotional neglect have good satisfaction in their emotional needs. Their families look perfect, but they are always under the neglected clouds.
Since emotional neglect is often very concealed, how should we distinguish it? The author suggests that you can start from its opposite, that is, a healthy emotional relationship.
Network image infringement and deletion
There are three characteristics of healthy emotional relationships between parents and children: First, parents can feel emotionally connected with their children, that is, empathy for . Second, parents pay attention to their children and regard them as a unique and independent individual, rather than their own extensions, possessions or even burdens. Third, based on this emotional connection and attention to children, parents can appropriately respond to their children's emotional needs.
or above is a way to identify emotional neglect, but when we notice emotional neglect, harm often occurs. Therefore, only by exploring how emotional neglect occurs can we find a way to heal the harm it brings. The author believes that the emergence of emotional neglect is closely related to the type of education of parents. In the book, she summarizes four major categories of parent types that are prone to emotional neglect.
Category 1: Senior management control type.
Senior executive control parents have a strong desire to control themselves. They hardly listen to their children's opinions and just want their children to be obedient. Narcissistic parents who think that "you are always right", authoritarian parents who take "you cannot become a weapon without being carved", and perfectly oriented parents who "hope to be omnipotent" all fall into this category.
Category 2: Low support type. Parents like
are completely different from senior management control types. Their typical characteristics are that they have no high expectations for their children and lack concern. Indulgent parents who use the catchphrase of "Don't worry, just be happy" as their divorced widowed parents due to various reasons, workaholic parents who put "career first, family always stand aside", and depressed parents who always feel that "I can't do anything well, I'm just unlucky" are all typical low-supportive types.
Network image infringement and delete
Category 3: Easy to transform parents.
This type of parents have a prominent feature, that is, they have no consistency in their attitude towards their children, always hot and cold, near and far away. Addictive parents and antisocial parents fall into this category. This type of parent will make the child feel more painful than other types of parents.
Category 4: "It's all for your own good" type parents.
In the author's opinion, "all for your own good" type of parents are likely to be the largest group that constitutes emotional neglect parents. We mentioned three types of parents before, and they may also belong to the "all for your own good" type. For example, many authoritarian parents love their children, but believe in "a filial son under the stick", believing that cruel whipping is for the good of their children; for example, the original intention of workaholic parents is to provide their children with the best, but they mistakenly believe that material wealth is a necessary condition for a better childhood.
Part 2, What are the consequences of long-term emotional neglect
Children who experienced emotional neglect in childhood may seem normal on the surface when they become adults, but they are missing in their hearts. In the book, the author summarizes their 5 commonalities.
First of all, there is a strong sense of emptiness.The second is the lack of accurate self-awareness. Furthermore, they find it difficult to care for themselves and others, and thus they become counter-dependent. Counter-dependence refers to a tendency to fear dependence on others. In addition, people who have experienced emotional neglect will generally have arithmetic disorder. What is alexithymia? It is also called "emotional expression" or "emotional disorder". Ordinary patients often cannot recognize their own emotions, nor can they recognize other people's emotions, and they cannot express their emotions correctly. Finally, people who have experienced emotional neglect have poor self-discipline. They often can't stop doing what they shouldn't do.
Network image infringement and delete
Part 3: How to reduce the consequences of emotional neglect?
First of all, we need to have a clear understanding of the difficulties of change. It’s not a day when the ice is frozen, and you need to be prepared for a long time to fight. On this basis, there are two important things to do.
The first thing you need to recognize the importance of emotions and try to deal with and treat them correctly. After learning to treat emotions correctly, you can learn to care for yourself, which is the second important thing.
Emotional Neglect Theory Since being proposed by Dr. Webb, it has been a hot topic discussed in the child psychology community. Especially in China, family relationships are more implicit and restrained. Many parents work hard to make their children eat and wear well, but ignore their children's emotional needs.
Network image infringement and delete
However, it is easy to criticize parents. It is a real challenge to let the implicit parents learn to express love. It is easy to attribute negative personality to emotional neglect, but it is difficult to make changes for yourself. Although our lives are affected by childhood experiences, it ultimately means that we must take responsibility for ourselves as adults, and even for future family relationships. After reading this book, I hope you can understand the past and have the strength to choose the future.
