text: Cui Le
As a gay man, I had many beautiful fantasies about it. I thought I could finally escape from China's repressive environment, be myself without restraint, and no longer have to be troubled by my gay identity. After all, according to the "Most Gay Friendly Place" ranking released by Lonely Planet in 2014, New Zealand ranked second in the world.
Later, I realized that I was too naive at the beginning.
Of course, for homosexuality, New Zealand is indeed free and friendly overall. Taking the Auckland University , where I studied, as an example, the school is very supportive of teachers and students with minorities in gender identities. On the first day I went to campus to report, I saw a striking rainbow poster on the window in the International Students’ Office.
At the entrance of the library is a huge poster and slogan: "Racial discrimination, gender discrimination, disability discrimination, age discrimination, homophobia, and cross-terrorism".
Personal information is required to complete the admission procedures. In the "gender" column, in addition to "M (Male) and F (Female)", there is also the "X (diverse)" option. Another identity information filled in is: "Do you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or mari gay, etc?" (Do you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex or Takatāpui (LGBTQITakatāpui+)?)
This question also explains why this information is collected: while protecting identity privacy, collecting information about sexual and gender identities will help universities understand the diversity of teachers and students and decide what types of support and services to provide.
This information is also used for the community building of universities. In April 2019, the "LGBTI Teacher-Student Network" (official organization, led by the university department responsible for impartial affairs) of Ao University was renamed "LGBTQITakatāpui+Teacher-Student Network", adding "Makri homosexuality (Takatāpui)" and other sexual and gender minorities in the Pacific region. In the eyes of many people in China, this may be a typical "political correctness". Joke: Can the name be longer? But in fact, any knowledge of the group Takatāpui started with this name change.
Rainbow stickers are everywhere on campus
Although the official policies of the university have brought me a certain sense of belonging and security, , as a Chinese, a large part of my life and social interaction is aimed at the local Chinese community, and many Chinese community members have a very limited understanding of the diversity of sex and gender .
In 2019, a petition titled "Stop transgender teaching in New Zealand schools" was forwarded by many local Chinese to WeChat groups and circle of friends (see the article "New Zealand sex education that scares Chinese parents, what exactly to teach?" written by the author, published in The Paper). The petition asked the New Zealand Parliament to urge the Ministry of Education to remove gender diversity education in sex education. Many Chinese parents are worried that their children will be "inculcated with homosexual consciousness" after receiving sex education, and call for boycotting "homosexual education". This storm reflects a considerable number of Chinese parents' misunderstandings about sex education in New Zealand, as well as their ignorance and prejudice against homosexuality and transgenderness.
petition screenshot
I once taught Chinese part-time in Auckland an educational institution mainly for Chinese children. The head of institution "Suggestion" I don't disclose my homosexual identity, so as not to affect the origin of the institution's students and market . In order not to affect work and interpersonal relationships, I agree. This makes me feel absurd and ridiculous - In China, as a college teacher, I once came out publicly and supported a few students sued the Ministry of Education for "homophobic textbooks"; and in New Zealand, a place I thought was more free, I had to go back to the cabinet.
In New Zealand, the church is one of the important social networks for Chinese people, connecting and gathering a large number of Chinese people. When invited to attend church activities, I heard some Chinese people sneer at the same-sex marriage in New Zealand and denounce it as "heretic", while others advocate conservative gender ideology when interpreting the Bible.For example, Adam and Eve’s Genesis proved that one man and one woman are natural; women are the assistants of men, and such families are stable. These remarks often make me feel like I am in my mind. When everyone is sharing their own lives, I feel like I am hiding shameful secrets.
One of the Chinese churches in Auckland (not the one I mentioned)
Another object I need to hide my identity is the Chinese landlord. In the local Chinese gay circle, you can often hear the experience of gay couples being expelled from the guest order after being discovered by the Chinese landlord . It’s hard for me to judge my landlord’s attitude towards homosexuality and whether I will suffer from prejudice or unfair treatment for it. Therefore, when I came to New Zealand with my ex, I introduced myself to the landlord that I was my "good friend". To avoid risks, I tend to keep my distance from my landlords and avoid exposing my private life.
Local Chinese students are also a group I have close contact with. As a doctoral student, one question I'm asked frequently and cannot avoid is "What research do you do". Influenced by my personal gay identity and workplace experience, my research topic is about the workplace experience of gay teachers in Chinese universities. Therefore, for me, it is inevitable to come out of the closet by honestly speaking out the topic of research and motivation.
In my communication with some Chinese students, I often get some unexpected feedback. Once, after I mentioned the research topic in the college WeChat group, a classmate forwarded a funny news about two homosexual male turtles mating.
Someone will presuppose that I am studying homosexuality as a heterosexual, reminding me to prevent the adverse effects of homosexuality - "If you do this kind of research, you will be careful of being bent." Some feedback is out of ignorance and curiosity about homosexuality - "What is the 'cause' of homosexuality"; "Why are homosexuals prone to AIDS"; "Does there be gay teachers in China?" Some questions are out of concern or curiosity about my private life - "Why can't you like girls (a regretful tone)"; "When you are with your boyfriend, do you play a male or female role"; "What role do you think you are when you are 'that' (sexual intercourse)"; "Do you plan to have a child in the future? Maybe it's difficult for you to have a normal life (sympathetic tone).
There are also comments on the gender temperament of my mentor (a gay scholar who came out publicly) and other teachers - "Your mentor looks normal, Teacher R looks at his good mother, is he married? Is he also gay? ”
These words surprised me a little, after all, most of them are doctoral students who have received many years of higher education and live in a country like New Zealand where the visibility of sexual minority is not low.
They do not realize the various presets in their words - default everyone is heterosexual; heterosexuality is superior and "normal", homosexuality is inferior and abnormal; as a man, gender temperament should be masculine, and the object of desire points to the opposite sex; marriage and childbirth are the "normal" life choices; and the relationship and sex of homosexual couples must distinguish "role" like many heterosexuals.
I often don't know what to react. If you express dissatisfaction directly, or point out the problems behind the discourse, it may damage interpersonal relationships and is considered "oversensitive". Most of them are my classmates and friends, and I believe they have no intention of offending me . Therefore, it is difficult for me to simply regard these discourses as "discrimination" and prefer to believe that they lack reflection on mainstream concepts.
In fact, these daily experiences are a kind of " micro-offending " (microaggression). American scholar Nadal defines it as “a brief and common offense in everyday speech, behavior, or environment, whether intentionally or unintentionally, conveying hostility, derogatory, contempt or insulting to members of oppressed groups.” The minor offenses of sexual minority experience include: the use of heterocentric discourse (such as presuppose that I am heterosexual), cultures that support heterosexual norms, denying the reality of heterosexual centers, presuppose that sexual minority is pathological or abnormal, etc. Nadal describes this injury as "death by a thousand paper cuts".
Perhaps because of this environment, most of the homosexual Chinese students I know hide their identities to avoid being marginalized by the Chinese community. As a Chinese student who came out publicly, I seemed particularly "high-profile and ostentatious". A Maori student union president of the college said I was "famous" and was the only Chinese student she knew so far to come out. But if I become "famous" just because I don't hide my sexual tendencies, doesn't it mean that our campus is not diverse and friendly enough?
My experience is not an isolated case. Auckland University scholars published a study on the campus experience of sexual minority students at the school this year, and found a contradiction in the students' narrative - "safe but not safe". On the one hand, the university’s “zero discrimination” policy, rainbow stickers and posters make TAs feel supported; on the other hand, students will still be abused and discriminated against, and they need to worry about whether to disclose their identities. Researchers believe that the university’s official policy publicly states its support for sexual minority students, but the inclusiveness of its commitment remains to be truly implemented.
Research screenshot
The experience of international students has its own special features. Scholars point out that if a sexual minority of international students comes from a country where their identities are not recognized, they will face unique challenges related to identity, coming out, and returning to China. Indeed, I have been confused about the direction of my life for quite a while and have been struggling to stay or stay after graduation. On the one hand, returning to China often means returning to the "cabinet"; on the other hand, working hard in a foreign country and gaining a foothold is full of resistance. This confusion and entanglement may be so serious that it is unbearable. I even planned to drop out of school in my first year of studying for a doctorate.
looked back, but fortunately I persevered. But I will never forget the entanglements at that time. These entanglements and pressures of identities are also my unique position in participating in research and charity. More importantly, these identities cannot be changed, and I have no way out.
Author introduction: Cui Le, a doctoral student at the School of Education and Social Work, University of Auckland, New Zealand.
