Recently, the mother of male actor Zhu Yuchen has become a hot search because she said in the show that "Women should be good wives and good mothers".
This 71-year-old mother is from the countryside. In her own words,
"I have no self, no self at all"
"I am treating my son with my whole life."
What did this mother do?
1. Take care of your son in every detail.
full responsibility for housework, claiming to be "fighting two Filipino maids at home."
Other mothers are very happy and relieved to see that their children can be independent when they know how to cook. When Zhu's mother saw that her son could cook, she felt ashamed of her son. How could my son cook? My mother is simply incompetent.
So immediately flew from Shanghai to Beijing to settle down day and night to take care of his son.
Follow your son to the crew and cook at any time. Even in a five-star hotel, you must cook for your son in person.
In order to make pear juice for my son, I get up at four o'clock every day and I have been working on it for 10 years.
2. Interfere with every relationship of the son.
claims that the standard for finding a girlfriend by your son must be determined by yourself. If your mother is not satisfied, nothing will work.
What is the standard for this mother to choose her daughter-in-law?
Article 1: Want a lady from a family. cannot be "dressed too revealingly" or "frivolous". When elders are there, they cannot sit on the armrest of the sofa.
The second item is to be the second "mother" of your son. : "Precaution him, come back early, don't drink randomly, live a regular life, don't be tempted." But from the show, Zhu Yuchen is not the kind of person who can't take care of himself at all.
Article 3: Be a conscientious "Filipino maid". "Men and women have different divisions of labor. Women should be good wives and mothers. If you marry you, you should take on your responsibility."
Hearing this, even Da Zhangwei next to him couldn't help but interrupt: "No, it's not. It's been so many years since men ploughed and women weaved..."
When netizens saw this remark, they were shocked - what is more terrifying than " Ma Bao " is the "Mom Baby".
Zhu Yuchen's love experience, the ones that everyone knows are Tang Wei and actor Jiang Yan .
Interestingly, Zhu Yuchen and Jiang Yan actually saw the "cucumbers in the raincoat" made by Jiang Yan. The reason for the breakup was that although the person involved had never made any comments, netizens have speculated that it must be because of Zhu Yuchen's mother.
Some people also say that Tang Wei should thank Zhu Yuchen for not marrying her.
Anyone with a discerning eye can see that this mother-in-law is not doing well. is in the name of love and is in the fact that she controls her.
I have a friend, Big K. She often complains about her unreasonable mother-in-law in the group and her husband " Mama Baby Ma ".
"I was 9 months pregnant, and my mother-in-law said she came to take care of me, and then I realized that she was not taking care of me, a pregnant woman, but actually taking care of her son."
"I never ask what I like to eat, and buying vegetables and cooking are all his sons who loves to eat."
"I'm about to give birth, my mother is here, and it's a quarrel. My husband saw it and actually said to me, your mother knows a quarrel when she comes, right?!"
"I have to ask my mother for her trivial matters in life."
"A little bit of conflict, I complained to my husband, the only thing he would say is- No matter what, it's my mother, you can bear it." .
friend said, I hate this sentence to death - no matter what, it is my mother!
Later, when the child was 1 year old, she finally couldn't bear it and divorced her husband.
Some people asked me, why is he like this? Why does my husband not consider my feelings at all and only care about his own mother?
The answer is obvious.
tell a story I have seen.
An 18-year-old Taiwanese boy was arrested in the United States on suspicion of terrorist attacks. Police found 1,600 privately hidden bullets and offensive pistols at his home, equivalent to a small arsenal.
Lawyer estimates that if a privately harbors guns and ammunition to this extent, a sentence of at least ten years will be sentenced to a minimum.
The parents of this child are Di Ying and Sun Peng , Taiwanese actor.
How did this mother treat her son?
In "Kangxi is Coming", the mother said, "Worried that the child is not nutritious enough, she asked the child to eat to achieve adult food. She spent 7 hours a day watching the child, 2 hours a day until the child finishes eating."
She said proudly: "You all didn't expect my son to love me." The evidence of love is that the son is 11 years old and still has to sleep with her.
Moreover, it is the rhythm of my mother taking off her underwear and sleeping with her.
Friend Wang Caihua also revealed that his son will bite his mother's butt.
What's even more terrifying is that Di Ying broke the news in another program that her son had to touch his chest before he could sleep.
Why should such a big boy be allowed to sleep with him while holding him? Di Ying explained that his son would not sleep without himself.
There are even more exaggerated things like this. My son is married and I can take off my clothes and get into a bed with my mother.
Please ask for the area of psychological shadow of your daughter-in-law.
psychologist Kohute once said that for children, who are parents are more important than what parents do.
If parents have problems with their own personality, over-reliance or over-control, then they may exude an unhealthy smell no matter they do. Children will have the same problem if they grow up in this unhealthy smell.
This mother's ignorance in parent-child education has caused at least three serious problems:
1. The child's sexual psychological development disorder.
The child is still sleeping with his mother at the age of 11. Di Ying believes that this is the child’s love for him, and he still thinks that the child cannot live without her.
In fact, it is not that the child cannot live without her, but that she cannot live without her.
2. The child’s personality cannot develop normally.
Children of this age are developing from boys to men, and she treats the child tightly as her own private objects, firmly controls the child, and makes the child attached to her.
In order to satisfy the mother, children can ignore all their thoughts and feelings, which creates a huge sense of depression.
Wherever there is suppression, there is resistance. This aggressiveness that turns from suppression cannot point to mothers, but can only point to yourself or externally.
If he is kind enough, he will not be able to attack the outside world and can only "fire" himself, which means a kind of self-destruction.
. Di Ying obviously doesn’t understand this truth. She once told her child that before the age of 18, you must listen to me; after the age of 18, you can do whatever you want.
So before the age of 18, she strictly controls how much food the child eats, how long he sleeps, what friends he makes, what games he plays, and where all his time is spent.
18 years old, her child was finally released and almost did something dark.
3. The child will become a "mama's boy". Children like
love and hate their mothers.
Mother takes care of it completely, making him lack the ability to practice alone, and the child will hate his mother; but the mother gave him all the love, making the child unable to live without her, and cannot stop breastfeeding spiritually, and is extremely dependent.
When he grows up, he may take good care of his girlfriend like he does to his mother, but he will also love and hate his partner like he does to his mother.
What’s more serious is that he cannot become a spiritually mature adult male and share the responsibilities in life with his partner in marriage.
Slowly, the entire family relationship becomes distorted: absent father, a controlled mother, and a depressed child.
Where did dad go?
may devote himself to his career, or he may have another emotional sustenance.
Because the mother was unable to face or end such a husband-and-wife relationship, she completely escaped from a loving parent-child relationship, and expanded from an imbalanced husband-and-wife relationship to the entire family relationship.
Wife Di Ying takes care of her husband and children, but her husband Sun Peng has repeatedly spread pornographic news.
Huang Lei and Haiqing once acted in a conscientious drama "Little Farewell" about children's growth. Their child Duoduo is in middle school. The father played by Huang Lei hopes to send his child to study abroad. The mother is reluctant to let him go and says she is unwilling to part with her child.
Huang Lei said: "She will part with her parents sooner or later, either now or in the future."
For a child, she will leave her parents sooner or later. But is physical separation necessarily equal to spiritual separation?
For "mama's boy", the answer is no.
object relationship scientist Mahler believes that the separation of a child and a mother, that is, the process of "separation and individualization" in psychology, can be roughly divided into two stages.
Stage 1: Infant and toddler . In 6-24 months, the child begins to try to separate from his mother, observe the role of his mother through behaviors such as "setting up" and "standing up" and exploring the external world.
Stage 2: in adolescence, with the increase of school age and individual development, they gradually become independent individuals, break away from the influence of their parents, and establish friendship and intimacy with others.
A teenager with better individualization and separation can re-examine and define "parents" and "family", form his own values without being "controlled" by them, and be able to properly handle his own affairs.
This is very important for their view of love and marriage.
18 years old, the best age, but was arrested for hiding guns and ammunition. Perhaps it is a very sad thing for him to spend his best youth in prison. The reason why
caused such a tragedy is that on the one hand, parents cannot handle the relationship between husband and wife well, which also affects the parent-child relationship.
A good family relationship must be that the relationship between husband and wife is greater than the parent-child relationship. Misalignment and imbalance in family relationships will definitely bring harm to everyone.
On the other hand, in the process of accompanying children's growth, it is very important whether parents can adapt to their children's psychological growth and development and withdraw from their children's lives.
Someone asked, why do many parents have to raise giant babies? Why don’t parents allow their children to grow up? Because parents need babies, babies can be containers for healing them. Behind those giant babies are hungry parents with no faces.
They need emotions too much. They neither know how to love nor how to be loved. Of course, they are not interested in the love between men and women, because what they are most hungry is not this part. What they desire most is to be children loved by their parents. Because they need to live in the world of mother and baby, because besides this, there is a ruthless world. So they try to keep their children in this world, and when they leave their world, they have nothing.
They have two choices:
- becomes the eternal parent of children;
- becomes the eternal child of children.
The former projectes the fear of fragility to the children, making the children their container, and when they throw their fragility to the children, they can be invincible.
child psychology master Winnicott once proposed that a good enough mother can do her best to meet the all-round needs of her children at the beginning of her life, and can also calmly accept that her children grow up and gradually withdraw from her own life.
However, there is no point in judging right or wrong. After all, every parent has their own life limitations.
More importantly, from such tragedies, we should learn more about how to treat our children and how to handle the relationship between husband and wife.
There are many women who ask, if they are already married, how to deal with the "mama's husband"?
In my consulting career, there are very few male consultants I have met, and Li Y is one of the exceptions.
The reason why he came to consult was that he found out that he was a "mama boy" and felt very painful.
is very similar to Zhu Yuchen. He doesn't love his mother, he just obeys. Only obeys can he be relieved of pain. And this kind of pain exists again. Because he lost the freedom to judge and choose. He felt that he was divided.
As a wife, the first thing to do is make him realize the problem and learn to refuse.
Learn to reject reasonably is an extremely difficult thing, because if the "mama baby boy" says no, the mother's behavior is to ignore him until the "mama baby boy" changes his attitude.
This is a vicious cycle without solution. The only way to solve this vicious cycle is to say "no" with a firm attitude and reasonable attitude.
Li Y said that he was neglected by the old lady for more than half a year because he insisted on his choice. Ignore and answer the phone. It is still in a state of good and bad at times. But this is a process of transformation, a process of separation.
Step 2: Give your husband more family responsibilities - husband's responsibilities and father's responsibilities.
Good husband and wife relationships must belong to everyone.
The conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law must be resolved by the husband, and the husband's responsibility. It is the father’s responsibility to give children more rational education.
Don’t let him have a slight idea of avoiding it, and don’t be a second “mom” for him.
Of course, compared to what Ning Jing said more, she said:
"I agree with Zhu Yuchen's mother's point of view. People should understand this person before getting married, and they should also understand what role you will play in this family after getting married. If you understand and still want to, then you will marry. If you don't want to, don't marry."
