-The End -References / Uncle’s reference materials: [Corresponding to the serial numbers in square brackets in the text][1] Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships.[2] Sternberg, R. J. . A triangular theory

01

99% of love in this world is sublimated from a kind of good feeling called "like".

is like 99% of lovers in the world, most of them meet as "friends", then get to know each other, stay with each other, and then cherish each other.

When some people make friends, they know very well that they have no feelings for the person around them beyond friendship.

And some people, looking at the person in front of them, who are AUO or above, are not yet satisfied with their lover, their hearts are racing all day long, but they are afraid of breaking the current good feeling.

Maybe it’s because of the article my uncle posted two weeks ago, telling everyone that whether you want to confess your love to someone or break up with someone, you must ask yourself clearly. As a result, in the past two weeks, I have been undergoing soul torture from you in the background every day:

"It's easy for you to say. If I could hear my own voice clearly, I wouldn't be distressed!"

"My biggest distress now is, Just don't know Is my feeling for him a friendship between friends, or is it developing into love? Is there any psychological definition of this? "Uncle, I have been very close to a friend recently, and I feel that I am very close to him." My feelings for him have gone beyond ordinary friends... But we have never talked about this topic. I am afraid of breaking the current balance and losing an opportunity to win love. "But if I really fall in love with my friend, what should I do?" He seems to have a crush on me, but what if he really just sees me as a friend, wouldn't it be very awkward for both of us after I confess my love? If this makes us unable to be friends, wouldn't I be a loser? Are you going to regret it?”

—— In the past two weeks, I have received no less than 200 of the above messages about likes and loves, friendship and love.

then decided: write an article to answer the above question well and completely.

Let's set off and find out.

02

"Asking what love is in the world"

Love in the eyes of psychologists

If you want to understand the difference between friendship and love, you must first define love and friendship.

However, this is not easy.

First of all: both terms are too subjective. There are millions of kinds of love and friendship among millions of people, different from each other, but important and unforgettable to everyone. This extremely profound existence that has nothing to do with right or wrong is the most difficult to define.

Secondly: Love and friendship often intersect and overlap with each other. On the one hand, this is because the two have conceptual overlap, and on the other hand, people do not deliberately distinguish between them when using these two words.

For example, sometimes we use love to talk about friendship: "I love my friends"; sometimes we use friendship to talk about love: "My lover is my best friend for life."

Fortunately, we have psychology.

Psychologists are also human beings. Like us, they also wander between friendship and love. Therefore, they decided to turn this soul torture into a subject of theory and research.

Let’s start with “friendship”.

Regarding "friendship", most psychologists have this consensus:

To make a friend, become someone else's friend, and maintain a friendship, you need to use "six major friendship skills":

Mutual acceptance (mutual acceptance), Trust, respect, confidentiality, understanding, spontaneity. [1]

This is not the point. The point is: these 6 abilities to make friends and maintain friendships are the foundation for a long-term and stable relationship.

The reason why I say this is because people who lack these 6 friendship skills will find it difficult to maintain and stabilize the three major elements of love.

Robert Sternberg, professor of psychology at Yale University in the United States, said: There are three components of love between people.

These three elements are necessary for love, but not for friendship. This also explains the difference between love and friendship from a scientific perspective.

According to Sternberg’s “Triangular Theory of Love” Love)": If any of the following items are lacking between two people, it is not considered true love: [2]

• Passion: Emotional fascination can also be simply understood as physical sexual desire
• Intimacy: The comfort and warmth that two people bring to each other when they are close to each other in love
• Commitment (commitment): The determination to start loving someone (short-term commitment), and the long-term commitment that lasts forever until death (long-term commitment)

Now we can find the dividing line between "like" and "love".

Like is a good feeling, a simple and comfortable heartbeat.

However, in addition to this kind of goodwill and heartbeat, love also requires responsibility, motivation, and the courage to walk hand in hand through life.

In Sternberg's eyes, a couple who are passionate, intimate, and committed to each other in the short and long term has consummate love .

Sternberg’s love triangle theory (Picture source: reddit.com)

From the picture above, we can also see: If one or two of the three elements are missing, what kind of relationship will it be?

1. Liking: only intimacy

feels comfortable together, but lacks passion and may not be willing to stay together for life.

2. Infatuation Love: Only passionate

feels that the other person has a strong attraction. Other than that, they don’t know much about the other person and have not thought about the future.

3. Empty Love: Only commitment

lacks intimacy and passion, such as love purely for marriage.

4. Romantic Love: Intimacy + Passion

This kind of "love" without commitment advocates the process and does not care about the results.

5. Companionate Love: Intimacy + Commitment

This kind of love without passion is similar to the empty love above. It is like a stable marriage, but only the rights and obligations of the husband and wife, but no feelings.

6. Fatuous Love: Passion + Commitment

The lack of intimate passion is at best the physical impulse of two people, and the absence of intimate commitment is just a blank check, which is extremely stupid.

I wonder if you have noticed: these 6 categories of love sound OK, but they all have the word "style" in them. This is because Sternberg believes that the six types of relationships

are only "similar to love" or "incomplete love". [3]

This is not to criticize anyone, nor is it to question the temperature and strength of these six kinds of love.

After all, love is also a kind of ability, which needs to be experienced and practiced. There are probably very few people who can find all three elements when they first taste love.

But this also confirms the fact from the side: first love, no matter how unforgettable it is, rarely becomes the person who stays with us for life.

03

"Above AUO, but not yet a lover"

Distinguish between love and friendship 4 A method

After reading Sternberg’s Love Triangle, the theoretical framework is very clear, but you may continue to ask:

“This is too abstract, and it is still a bit difficult to apply it to real life! Can you do some? Simple and crude information? "

is a must! Next, we put aside psychological theories and give you some ways to judge friendship and love.

1. Rate the intensity of your feelings

Whether you regard someone as a friend or a lover is related to your emotions and feelings.This is not talking about the content of the emotion itself, but rather: How strong or weak is the emotion you feel? [4]

The feeling brought by love is much stronger than friendship.

For example, if your friend is hospitalized, of course you will go see him and worry about him.

But if you love him or her, this kind of worry and empathy will make you unable to sleep, work and study, as if you are sick with him or her, and you want to rush to his or her side all the time. Give him the most comprehensive care.

You can develop a "feeling intensity" scoring standard based on your specific performance, and then record the intensity of each feeling when you get along with different friends.

If there is a person who makes you feel significantly stronger than others, then this is more than just friendship.

2. Pay attention to your physiological reactions

"Every time when love is close," you will feel your heartbeat speed up. It’s really accelerated! Moreover, it is the kind that continues all the way to the speed limit zone, and once the heartbeat speeds up, it cannot slow down. [4]

This is very different from the sudden surprises and short-term heartbeat changes brought to you by friends.

suddenly remembered that there is a theatrical version of "Conan" called " Countdown to Heaven ". There is a scene where several members of 's young detective team must accurately count down 30 seconds without looking at the stopwatch. In the end, only the little girl Ayumi did it.

Her secret is: when she is close to Conan, she can accurately count seconds just by listening to her own heartbeat. This little girl is so pure and sincere towards Conan!

In addition to your heartbeat speeding up, you may also have sweaty palms and trembling voice... And the most important thing is: you can't control these physiological reactions!

3. "This world can't be done without him"

Even if you are a good friend, it is OK if you don't interact with each other for a week or two. Even after more than a month, you can make an appointment to go out to watch movies, go shopping, and find delicious food with just one phone call. of.

But if you are more than just a friend to him or her, then it will be very difficult to go without news from him or her even for just one day. [4]

For this person whose love has been ignited in your heart, regular and frequent communication and interaction have become the oxygen you need to survive.

If he or she appears in your mind consciously or unconsciously all day long, you get excited when messages from him or her pop up on WeChat, or you even daydream about him or her, this must be more than just friendship! [5]

4. Your mutual friends may have important clues

You should ask your mutual friends. This is not for you to ask them "What should I do", but after explaining the situation, ask them:

"Have you ever noticed that the person I like has certain attitudes towards me and you? What's the difference? "

This question is not trivial at all, but is very important!

If the person you care about very much is actually "particularly concerned" about you behind your back, then your mutual friends may have noticed these small details:

"You just got up from the KTV box to go to the bathroom, and he and she Your mutual friends ask about you."

"Ta. You posted your favorite love song and said some ambiguous words in the circle of friends, but the message was set to be invisible to you. Did you know this? "

" He is preparing Christmas gifts for his friends, and he is giving them your gifts. The time spent on it is two or three times that of other people’s gifts. Your other friends are starting to be jealous..."

"Emma, ​​you should have made further progress, but you are still struggling until now?" —— This is what your friends might say about your slow response.

04

"I really fell in love with my friend! What should I do?"

5 steps from friendship to love

I know you are nervous and a little scared.You are afraid of being rejected by him, and you are even more afraid that if this relationship is your own wishful thinking, you will not even be friends after you reveal your feelings.

Don’t be afraid. Although there is no universal secret for this matter, here are 5 conscience methods provided by psychologists for your reference:

1. Show your confidence and courage.

No matter how much you say, the other party will treat you as a friend. This shows that The most basic good feeling is still there!

Do you still remember the “6 elements of friendship” we mentioned at the beginning of the article? If he can bring these 6 precious things to be friends with you, it means that you are a person worth investing time, energy and emotion in his heart! Don’t be afraid, no matter what happens, this good feeling will definitely be there!

In addition, psychological research proves that the more you are in this situation, the more confident you need, because this confidence can help you find the most suitable wording and take the most appropriate action when you are at a loss, ambiguous, and in a dilemma. action. [6]

2. The first step to "beyond friendship" is subtle changes in language and behavior

You need to observe carefully: Are there some common languages ​​​​and idioms between you, him, and your mutual friends?

During the one-on-one communication with him/her, you need to change all the languages ​​shared by many people into his/her specific expressions, as well as the small details of behavior. [7]

For example: everyone goes out to drink Starbucks together, and you clearly remember: do not add milk to his coffee, but only add a packet of sugar.

So you volunteered to help everyone go to the bar to get coffee, but you only put a bag of sugar packets with just the right amount next to his coffee cup. There are so many similar small changes to

that it’s hard not to notice them.

3. "Tease" him or her in a timely manner. When you talk to him or her for a short while, you can try to create more opportunities for eye contact and stay for a few seconds after the eye contact. [6]

You can also try some small physical touches, such as the example of going to Starbucks mentioned above. After serving him coffee and sugar packets, you can gently touch his shoulder in a friendly way. Reminder:

"Hey, your Americano, without milk, a packet of sugar."

These two points 2 and 3 are for the same purpose: to make the other person gradually feel that they are both friends, but you are not interested in him or her. Your attention and care are already "special care" in terms of words and actions, and this level of care also reflects your warmth and loving heart.

But these two steps are gradual. The second step is to change quietly, and the third step is to actively let the other party notice some of your words and behaviors. The former is the basis of the latter.

4. Go on a date with him and create opportunities to be alone

You must know this, but you just don’t know how to say it, right? Don't worry, let me give you an idea:

Suppose you want to date her When going out to watch a movie, you can try saying something like this:

“A new horror movie was released recently. I know you love mummies and zombies so much that you don’t dare to watch it alone and no one else likes this kind of thing, but I like it. , and the director of this movie is a talented person who I admire very much. How about we go together on Friday night after get off work? It’s at XXX Cinema, not far from your company and home.”

noticed this passage. Are there a few key points in it?

First, you start with the movie itself and emphasize his/her preferences;

Then, you subtly mention your preference for "alone" request, and at the same time fully reflect your understanding and consideration of the other party (taking into account the time on Friday and the location of the theater);

Moreover, when you proposed the idea of ​​watching a movie, you also mentioned your own points of interest (you appreciate this director's work), naturally creates an intersection of interests for you to watch a movie together, without being artificial or far-fetched. [7]

5. Be honest and respect the other party’s response.

There is always an opportunity, and quantitative changes will accumulate into qualitative changes. When you feel it's time, speak up and reveal your heart.After confessing, there are three possible consequences you may face.

First, the other party agrees to you. If this is the case with , then congratulations, everyone is happy.

Second, the other party rejects you. If this is the case with , then I also want to congratulate you. Yes, you read that right, I want to congratulate you.

The most feared thing about the change from friendship to love is ambiguity, unclearness, or even ambiguity. This kind of person who clearly expresses his feelings and rejects you is really worthy of being a lifelong friend!

Indeed, being rejected by the one you love can be very heartbreaking. At this time, you can try to express this to the other person and yourself:

"Thank you for being so honest with me. I originally hoped that you would feel the same way about me, but now I also understand clearly that you My feelings for you are different. Please believe that I will not try to change you. If possible, I would like to continue to be friends with you, but please understand my feelings and give me some time. and space to adjust your mood, okay?” [8]

Next, as long as you still cherish each other, believe me, you can become friends again, because your respect and friendship for each other have never diminished.

Third, the other party’s response was ambiguous and unclear. This is the most complicated situation. It may be an opportunity to further develop love, but it may also be that the other person doesn't want to accept you, but is afraid of hurting your friend's heart, so he never mentions it, but this will cut off the two of you. Communication is probably impossible even with friends. In a situation like

, perhaps we can only leave it to time. What you will become in the end depends on too many uncertain factors, including your personality, the behavior of other friends in the process, and many variables that are as unpredictable as fate.

I think the most important point is that you must remember: throughout the process of making sincere efforts, starting from the first step of "confidence", never lose yourself.

No matter where you meet him again in the future, I hope you have become a better version of yourself.

Written at the end

As I write this article, I can’t remember how many “love tips” I have read from psychologists and counselors.

The theories and suggestions given by each of them are different, but they have one thing in common:

Love is a unique experience for everyone.

For an experience, the most important thing is authenticity.

As long as you really give it once, whether it is friendship or love, you will not be let down.

Finally, there is a sentence that I like very much, and I want to give it to you in front of the screen.

This sentence comes from the author of "When Nietzsche Cried" and the famous psychologist: Owen Yalom.

Irvin Yalom Irvin Yalom Lifelong Emeritus Professor at Stanford Representative figure of existentialism

"I dream of a love in which two people share a passion to search together for some higher truth. Perhaps I should not call it love. Perhaps its real name is friendship."

"The kind of love I dream of is two people sharing a passion for pursuing some higher level of truth. Maybe I shouldn't call it love. Maybe its real name is friendship."

. I think Yalong is not saying:

friendship can replace love,

friendship is equal to love,

or it is higher than love.

He is telling us:

A long-term companionship,

must be the combination of friendship and love.

Having someone who is both a friend and a lover by your side is probably the happiest thing in the world.

sincerely wishes you that

will receive a warm response after every sincere effort.

- The End -

References / Uncle’s reference materials:

[corresponding to the serial number in square brackets in the text]

[1] Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships (North American Psychology Lectures, Chapter 8).

[2] Sternberg, R. J. ( 1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119.

[3] Baidu Encyclopedia: Love Triangle Theory.

[4] Difference between Love and Friendship / differencebetween.net.

[5] Dr. Theresa E DiDonato on Psychology Today (2015). How Can You Tell When You Should Just Be Friends?

[6] Dr. Theresa E DiDonato on Psychology Today (2016). How to Turn Friendship Into Love.

[7] Erin Meanley on Glamor (2010). 8 Ways to Transform a Friendship Into Something More.

[8] Kavita Patel on MindBodyGreen (2014). How To Let Your Crush Know You Have Feelings.

[9] Wiki How: How to differentiate between love and friendship?