Teacher will write a sample essay for you - High School Argumentative Essay Series
College Entrance Exam Hot Topic "Inequality" Essay Writing Skills
"You Can See the Sunshine Everywhere"
Sample Essay/Contributed by Liu Leisheng, a student from Hebei
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Reappearance of the real question:
There are many inequalities in the world: some families are rich, some are poor, some live in cities, and some live in rural areas. However, these inequalities do not necessarily lead to backwardness. What do you think of this?
Please combine the materials, draft your own topic, and write an argumentative essay.
Teacher Liu’s topic analysis:
This time’s argumentative topic is called inequality. For this kind of topic, Teacher Liu’s personal suggestion is: we must grasp its ideas. After all, what we are writing now is an examination-oriented argumentative essay. There is a rigid rule for examination-oriented argumentative essays, which is to be politically correct, that is to say, to be positive. If our argumentative essay blindly talks about the unfairness of the facts, , then these articles will lack positive energy, and the overall score of the article will not be too high.
So we can write this article from the perspective of working hard to change inequality or from the perspective that inequality is also an advantage.
Student's original text:
There are many inequalities in life, but even if we are not equal, I know that we can all see the sunshine in that place.
Teacher Liu’s opening comment:
When I was correcting my junior high school composition today, a classmate also used a beginning similar to yours. This is the beginning of life, and the teacher is actually very disgusted with it. Because based on our current age, it is not appropriate to start with a discussion about life. Instead, it will be a bit old-fashioned. Moreover, for argumentative essays, this is a bit like shouting slogans and empty truths.
Teacher Liu’s opening example:
Sunshine is equal, no matter how blocked by the shade, it is still pervasive, spreading dappled warmth. Maybe today you are standing on the top of the mountain, and I am still watching the ups and downs. But I'm not jealous or complaining, because I can see the sun everywhere.
classmates, paragraphs 2~3, original text:
Americans have a " Declaration of Independence " which says: All men are created equal. But some of what is said above is not true. For example, in the United States now, have they really achieved equality for everyone? No, in today's American society, the rich are very prosperous, while the poor are particularly miserable.
It’s not just the United States. In fact, there are many injustices in the world, and we must admit it. For example, Wang Sicong , was he born rich? Isn't it unfair to us? This is indeed unfair, but these injustices exist objectively and you cannot change them.
Teacher Liu’s comments on paragraphs 2~3:
Even if it is an argumentative essay, the language must be concise. For these two paragraphs, the language is a bit verbose, and the repeated words in some places are much more special.
Example of paragraphs 2 and 3 of Teacher Liu:
Americans use the "Declaration of Independence" to explain the concept of "everyone is equal" to the world, but as far as the eye can see, the United States has not practiced it: the rich are living in luxury and living in luxury; the slums are living in the slums. Cheng Cheng, as Zheng Zhihua sang in " Game World ": "The rich are the bosses, and those without money have a hard time." The so-called equality of everyone is actually a castle built on money.
There is indeed injustice in this world, and we must face it. When we are struggling with the starting line, Wang Sicong was already born at the end; when we are still struggling to find ways to improve our grades, Wei Shen 's parents have already passed on the essence of mathematics.This is unfair, and there are objective inequalities.
Student’s paragraphs 4 to 6. Original text:
But these injustices cannot prevent our success.
Some people are successful because of poverty. Mr. Deng Xiaoping studied hard in France, learned how to learn in poverty, and finally succeeded in becoming a great guide for China; Chairman Mao left his hometown when he was young. He also worked and studied at Peking University , and later he successfully became a great founder of New China.
Faced with unfairness, they did not complain, but lowered their heads and did their own thing well. Finally they succeeded. So I don't think unfairness can stop us from being successful.
Teacher Liu’s comments on paragraphs 4 to 6:
These two paragraphs use two factual arguments . Since both are positive examples, can we make their sentence patterns consistent? This can make the language clearer and more catchy to read. This is the first; second, the argument does not need to be emphasized and presented from beginning to end. You can see it in your fourth paragraph. In one paragraph, the argument appears again in the sixth paragraph. Is it a bit repetitive?
Example of paragraphs 4 to 6 of Teacher Liu:
But inherent injustice cannot be the reason for our inaction.
Look, who is working as a part-time student on the streets of France? Listen, who is eating chili and memorizing books in the library? There are many people studying in France. Their families may be rich or their parents may be powerful. What does Deng Gong have? It’s just a tattered windbreaker; there are a huge number of students seeking admission to Peking University. Most of them come from well-off families. If they don’t think about life, what do workers have to do with it? It’s just a part-time job and a part-time study, and I want to grow up by studying.
Faced with injustice, they did not complain, but kept their heads down and moved forward with concentration. Perhaps these injustices have deprived them of many material advantages, but they have also eliminated a lot of noise caused by material things, so they can focus and achieve something.
classmate paragraph 7~9 Original text:
So we can enjoy the sunshine wherever we stand. As long as we have a pair of upward eyes, no matter how well others live, so what? We just need to live our lives. In 20 years, who will be the hero?
There is a saying that goes well: Heroes do not ask where they come from. We can only achieve success in the future if we focus on ourselves now. So why do we let ourselves do nothing because of social injustice? If we really stop to complain, will our descendants feel unfair again?
If we want to break out of this cage, we must start with us. Others go up the mountain from the main road, but we go up the mountain from the twists and turns. Although the final result is to reach the top of the mountain, we gain more than them. We have seen many different scenery, and our bodies will be stronger than theirs.
Teacher Liu’s comments on paragraphs 7 to 9:
These paragraphs are concluding remarks, which are very good and highlight your point of view. But the language is still not beautiful enough. Again, argumentative essays also need to pay attention to language. It’s not that content is everything. For argumentative essays, the content is the soul of a person, and the language is the appearance of the person. The soul is certainly important, but wouldn’t it be better if we also had an interesting soul and a good-looking skin?
Teacher Liu’s 79th paragraph example:
You can see the sun wherever you stand, as long as you have a pair of upward-facing eyes. He has a vertical ladder, and I write it myself as a rope. After taking it to the clouds, let's see who reaches the sky? As the saying goes, a hero should not ask where he comes from, but judge his success or failure based on the ending. When you are young, injustice is everywhere. Only by focusing on yourself can you achieve success in the future.
Why should we stop because of social injustice? If we stop, will our descendants be even more unfair?
Break out of the cycle and start from now. Even though the accessible road is a shortcut, the winding road is more scenic.When we reach the end and look at the people who arrive after the thoroughfare equally, we will definitely find that: our bodies are stronger; our vision is more far-reaching. This competition caused by inequality ended dramatically with inequality.
Teacher Liu modified the composition in this way
Student’s ending original text:
In the face of injustice, we live in the present, forge ahead and focus on doing things. To succeed.
Teacher Liu’s ending comment:
is an ending that is understandable and can be used. Quite satisfactory
Teacher Liu’s ending example:
The only difference is that we were at the bottom and now we are at the top.
Recently, many people have privately chatted with Mr. Liu to revise his compositions. We apologize for not replying to them all. Thank you all!
To modify the composition, please contact Teacher Liu
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