once had a visitor. She is an elite in the eyes of most people. She has positive energy in life. I have read her articles with sharp writing and thorough analysis of problems. Such an outstanding girl said that she has a deep inner spirit. She has an inferiority complex and feels that no matter how hard she tries, she cannot satisfy her mother. She often blames herself, and her mother's words can make her feel very uncomfortable. With step-by-step in-depth understanding and consultation, we got to the bottom of life and pulled out our original family.
The concept of native family was proposed by Satya--Satya believed that a person and his native family are inextricably linked, and this connection may affect his life.
There are many ways to educate children. Obviously, this mother used an invalid model. In short, the invalid model did not achieve the purpose of education and did not play the role of education. Not only that, but it also triggers a reaction that forms a lifelong personality pattern for the child.
There are about twelve invalid interaction patterns
1. Accusation - low self-esteem, shame, feeling of unworthiness
2. Complaint - emotional depression, guilt
3. Reasoning - my mother is right, I am not good, and I feel powerless
4. Interruption - inner division , uneasy, entangled, procrastinating
5. To please - externally strong, false self-confidence, inner strength, guilt
6. Angry - fearful, uneasy, inferiority, resistance
7. Control - no self, choice phobia
8. Beating and scolding - self-defeat, Extremely harmful to the child's heart, attacking inward or outward
9. Both soft and hard tactics - no independence, confusion, procrastination, potential cannot be developed
10. Cold violence - no response is a desperate situation, indifference, no self-confidence, no love
11. Insult - damaged personality, no sense of deservingness, low self-esteem
12. Pampering - arrogance, narcissism, willfulness
- Teacher Zhuan Shulin
You may wish to compare, have you stepped into a trap? Or did your parents step into a trap?
Her childhood was in the 1980s, an era of material scarcity. Her mother worked hard for the family all day long, worried about her children, and managed a small family in an orderly manner. It should be said that she was an amazing mother, but this mother "Work hard without complaining". She is a person with a strong sense of giving. She complains all day long about how tired she is all day long and how hard she works for this family. The whole family is pointing at her to live their lives. If I really feel sorry for her for not studying well.
Once I don’t do well in any exam, I will blame myself and feel that I am very bad and I feel sorry for my mother. But deep down in my heart and subconsciously, I can't love my mother. This girl clearly remembered that when it was time for dinner, her mother laid out a table of delicious food. When the children happily went to the table to prepare for dinner, her mother turned around and went to do the laundry. The mother asked the children to eat quickly and go to school. Although the children were eating, they were full of guilt. How hard it is for my mother. She hasn't eaten yet, and she has to eat leftovers again. When the whole family is eating, my mother goes to work by herself, as if she is giving to the family, so great. But it makes the child really not fall in love with this mother. Why can't you do the housework later? Why do you have to do the laundry when everyone is eating.
’s mother’s original intention was not to make her family feel guilty, but her inner desire to be seen and to prove her worth through constant efforts. The mother's unintentional behavior made the child feel guilty and guilty, so the child always tried to please his mother.
When he became an adult, he considered himself very filial. He would send money, buy gifts, and gold and silver jewelry to his mother during holidays, but he just didn't want to go home. He would give various excuses every time he took a vacation. My mother said that this daughter was raised in vain and was not filial. The girl felt aggrieved. I sent so many things to home. I bought the refrigerator and air conditioner. I helped pay the electricity bill for the family every month. All the clothes my mother wore were also I bought it myself, why is it so unfilial to be left behind? When a girl marries far away, it's just like the love story in "A Dream of Red Mansions". Although marrying far away is painful, who can say that breaking the string of the kite won't bring greater freedom.Two years after the marriage, the girl became a mother. During the confinement period, her mother came to take care of her. She loved her daughter and took good care of her, but she still blamed her for marrying far away, for not coming home often, and for her hard work. They worked hard to train her to become a college student, not wanting to be a doctor or taking the civil service exam, accusing her of not being able to do housework, accusing... Finally one afternoon, all the accumulated emotions broke out at that moment, mother and daughter The two had a big quarrel, and the mother went home angrily that day, while the girl cried her eyes out.
When we see the problem, change begins.
Many people among the vast number of sentient beings live habitually, are in unhappy marriages, and if they cannot find intimacy in their marriages, they become distant and indifferent, as if they don’t have that person; if there is a problem with their children’s education, they just try to be reasonable. If you are not coaxing well, you will accuse or even beat you; if there is a problem in the workplace, you will resign and run away.
There are eighty-one kinds of suffering in life, such as parent-child education, relationship between husband and wife, buying a house or car, promotion and wealth, procrastination, laxity, etc. , but all these hardships are in vain. If you suffer today, you will have to continue to suffer tomorrow, because if you don’t educate your children well today, you will still educate them poorly tomorrow. If you blame yourself for procrastinating today, you will still procrastinate tomorrow. This It's the autopilot mode of personality, it's inertia at work.
All living beings are suffering, and we can only overcome it by ourselves.
How to survive, grow and change, see your own namelessness, be aware of your emotions, and be aware of your own thoughts.
Why do we fall into emotions? Why are you nervous and anxious?
is all because we have lost awareness.
When we lose awareness, we will fall into emotions and be overwhelmed by emotions, unable to see the truth of the problem. Mother's accusations and complaints are just symptoms and manifestations, and they are not necessarily the problem.
When people lose awareness, they fall into the analysis, judgment, induction, summary, guessing, imagination, and deduction of the mind, and you will definitely fall into emotions. The mind is a dummy. Its essence is duality, either good or bad. That is to say, when the mother starts to accuse, we think there is something wrong with the mother's emotions and feel bad, so we put a label on her, thus falling into the emotions and becoming a slave to the emotions. When you live in the past, those experiences, past burdens, and invalid beliefs will make us fall into various emotions, such as self-blame, guilt, and sadness; while living in the future, live in imagination , you will fall into anxiety, tension, anger and fear.
The problem is not to be solved, but to be experienced, enjoyed and tasted. Use questions to go inside us and feel what emotions arise, what kind of loads are evoked, what are these suppressed deficiencies?
The tense relationship between mother and daughter is like a mirror, a very good resource, reflecting the inner state of each other's lives.
The reason why the mother said that her daughter is unfilial is because the child has never seen the mother's feelings. The mother hopes that the whole family can see her dedication and hard work. She uses more efforts to gain everyone's attention. Once she gets When he didn't arrive, he started to complain and accuse, full of complaints. On the one hand, my mother truly loves her family, but on the other hand, she has a low sense of self-worth and needs the affirmation of her family. Like many women in marriage, they complain while giving, and in the end their efforts are thankless. If you are also in this kind of marriage situation, come to me, and I will accompany you to go out, see a clearer sky, and enjoy the intimacy of marriage.
There is a principle in psychology that one is responsible for one's emotions. We cannot be like children and expect the people around us to meet all our expectations and get angry when we don't get them. Observe what expectations, invalid beliefs, and past pain loads lie behind the emotions. During the experience, the girl saw that her mother had worked hard all her life, and she sincerely confessed to her mother. She said: "I want to be grateful for my growth. My mother is still here, so I can atone for my sins." On Mother's Day, she bought her mother a horn comb that was not too expensive and suggested that she comb her hair to try the effect. Her mother agreed. She combed her mother's sparse white hair and said something from the bottom of her heart: "Mom, you have worked hard for our sisters." Her mother took a deep breath and said, "Why are you talking about that."My mother was particularly happy that day. Her brows were stretched and the corners of her mouth were raised. The sunshine shone in the girl's heart. She really wanted to hug her mother, but she was a little shy. Her son encouraged: "Go if you want. "My mother was cooking, and the girl hugged her mother from behind. My mother said dotingly: "Are you still young? You still want to cuddle and breastfeed, right? ”
The girl healed herself through personal growth, lived out the true nature of life, no longer lived in the original bondage, loved life, loved life, and also healed her mother’s psychological feelings of longing to be seen, understood and respected. Being fully satisfied, when a mother experiences this sense of satisfaction, she stops asking for help. This is the greatest filial piety.
