Hell rises at night and spreads throughout the world. It makes the space fade; hell makes everything more difficult to distinguish, it looks even bigger and immeasurable. Details disappear, things lose their characteristics, become unclear, and unclear; these things will be called "beautiful" or "useful" during the day, which is strange; now, they are all like invisible things: it is difficult to guess their original uses.
In hell, everything is assumed. All colors and shadows that exist in the daytime will expose their own futility - what is the purpose of beige furniture fabrics, floral wallpapers, and tassel pendants? Will green make the skirts on the back of the chair different?
The greedy look it was hung on the clothes hanger in the store window became incomprehensible. Now, there are no buttons, hooks and buttons, and fingers in the dark can only touch something vaguely raised, roughly spliced pieces of cloth, and clumps of hard objects.
The second thing hell does is drag you out of sleep. You can kick and scream; hell is hard to be comforted. It often creates annoying images that scares you or fools you—beheaded head, lovers covered in blood, human bones turn into ashes—yes, yes, hell likes to scare people.
However, it is often very casual and never sticks to the program - when you open your eyes, you only see darkness, and the trickle of thought can only fall into darkness; your gaze is its outpost, aiming at the emptiness. The brain at night is like Odyssey's wife Penelope, who dismantled the cloth that he worked hard to wove during the day into silk.
Sometimes it is just a thread, sometimes there are several threads. The exquisite and complex design collapses and restores to basic elements - warp and latitude lines. The latitude lines collapse along the edges, leaving only parallel and vertical clues, just like the barcode of the world.
So you understand: the night returns the first state of nature to the world, its original appearance is not sugar-coated; the day is the flight of imagination, illuminating a little fragile expectation, one negligence, one interruption of order. In fact, the world is dark, almost completely black. Still and cold.
She sat upright on their bed, making her a little itchy by the sweat beads in her cleavage. Her nightgown stuck to her body, like a layer of skin that was about to fall off. She listened carefully in the darkness, wanting to hear the slut coming from Pedia's room. She used her feet to fumble through the slippers, and after searching for a while, she gave up. She could walk to her son barefoot. She saw a hazy figure moving beside her and sighed.
"What's wrong?" The man was still asleep, asked softly and then turned to his pillow.
"Nothing. It's Pedia." She turned on a small lamp in the children's room and immediately saw his eyes. The eyes were wide open, staring at her from the black hole carved in the light and shadow. She put her hands on his forehead, and did it instinctively as usual. His forehead was not hot, but he was sweating and it felt very sticky to the touch.
She carefully hugged the boy in a sitting position and began to stroke his back. The son's head leaned lightly against her shoulders, Anuska could smell his sweat, smell his discomfort, she had figured out this: when Pedia was uncomfortable, it smelled different.
"Can you last until dawn?" She whispered softly, but quickly realized that this question was too stupid. Why did he endure dawn? She reached out to touch the medicine bottle on the bedside table, poured out a medicine and put it into his mouth. Then, a glass of lightly warm water. The little boy took a sip and choked, so after a while, she asked him to take another sip, this time she was more careful.
pills will work at any time, so she let his soft little body lie on his right side, and then lean his knees toward his stomach, because she felt that he would feel the most comfortable lying like this. She lay down next to him by the bed, her head against his thin back, listening to the air being sucked in by his lungs, turning into breathing, and then being released into the night sky.
She waited for a while until the process became relaxed and rhythmic. Then she got up, her movements were very light, and she returned to the bed with her hands and feet. She would rather sleep in Pedia's room, where her husband had been sleeping until she returned. That would be better, being able to face her children when she fell asleep and woke up would make her more relaxed. I don’t want to sleep in a double bed every night, so let it be wasted. But, husband is always still husband.
He left for two years and only came back four months ago. He was wearing casual clothes when he came back, and the one he wore when he left, and it was a bit outdated now, but you can tell that he hadn't worn this outfit a few times. She smelled it—the dress didn't smell anything special, maybe a little damp, still, a tightly closed warehouse.
It was a little different after he came back - she discovered it immediately - and to this day, he still maintained that strange feeling. On the first night, she checked his body—different, harder, bigger, more muscle, yet weirdly weak.
She touched the scar on his shoulders and scalp, and his hair obviously became less and gray. His hands became very big and his fingers became thicker, as if he had done physical work. She placed his ten fingers on her naked breasts, but those fingers seemed hesitant. She used her hands to tease him, but he was still lying quietly on the bed, breathing lightly, which made her feel ashamed of herself.
At night, he would wake up in a hoarse and angry moan, sit in the darkness, get up and get out of bed after a while, walk to the wine cabinet, and pour him a glass of strong wine. Then, his tone will smell fruity, like an apple. Then he would say, "Put your hand on me. Touch me."
"Tell me what it looks like there, and your feelings will be better, tell me." She whispered in his ear, tempting him with her warm breath.
But he didn't say a word.
When she took care of Pedia, he would walk around the apartment in striped pajamas, drink very strong black coffee , and look out the building group outside the window. Then he would look inside and see the little boy, sometimes squatting down beside him, trying to tease him. Then he would turn on the TV and put down the yellow curtains, and the sunlight would become dense, hot and faint light.
At noon, Pedia's nurse would change his clothes when he was about to come, but often he didn't change it when she arrived. Sometimes he just closes the door. The sound of the TV will become lighter, making it boring tone, turning into a summoning that summons you to enter a new world of ignorance.
money arrives on time, as accurate as a clock, every month. In fact, the money was enough - enough to pay for Pedia's medical expenses, afford a better wheelchair, and even if it wasn't very useful, it could afford a nurse.
Today, Anuska doesn’t have to take care of her son, she’s on holiday today. Her mother-in-law will come soon, although she is not sure whether she is going to take care of her son or grandson, and she doesn't know which one will make her busy. She would put the plaid-patterned plastic bag next to the door and take out nylon home clothes and slippers—work clothes she wore at home.
She will go to see her son first and ask him a question. He will answer yes or no, but his eyes will not leave the TV screen. Just like that, it doesn't make sense to wait any longer, so she went to see her grandson again. The grandson asked someone to wash it and feed it; the bed sheets were soaked with sweat and urine, and they had to replace it; he also had to take medicine. After putting the things to be washed into the washing machine, we have to make their lunch. After
, she will accompany her children: if the weather is good, she can take the little boy to sit on the balcony. It’s not that there are good scenery there to see—there are only rows of apartment buildings, like the large gray coral reefs in the dry sea, full of diligent creatures, and the hazy metropolitan horizon is their seabed, Moscow.However, the boy always looked up at the sky, his eyes lingered under the clouds, and followed them for a long time until the clouds floated out of his sight.
Annuska is very grateful to her mother-in-law come one day a week. Before she went out, she would quickly kiss her mother-in-law's soft velvet cheeks. They spent so short time together, always at the door, and then she rushed downstairs, and the further she ran, she felt that she was getting lighter and lighter. She had a whole day.
Of course, this does not mean that this whole day can be used to do her own thing. She had to deal with many things, she had to pay bills, buy groceries, go to the pharmacy to get Pedia's medicine, go to the cemetery, and finally cross the inhuman city, sitting in the darkness and crying bitterly.
Everything is time-consuming because there are traffic jams everywhere. In the crowded bus, she would look out the window and see a large car with dyed glass sliding forward without any effort, as if it had some kind of demonic power, and the passengers were left standing motionless in the car. She looked at the square full of young people from afar, and the mobile market selling cheap goods.
She always turns around at Kiev station, and people from the underground platform pass by her, and there are all kinds of people. But no one could attract her, no one could scare her like the weird guy standing at the exit; behind the monster was a temporary fence that covered the newly dug foundation of a project, and the advertisements on the fence were so dense that the people on the advertisements were almost screaming.
The woman's track was only a wild area between the wall and the newly paved sidewalk; therefore, she could witness the endless stream of pedestrians, and capture the momentary movements of their commuting trip to work or home - now, pedestrians are about to change their mode of transportation: from the subway to transfer to bus.
Her clothes are very different from those of all pedestrians - she wore too many things: in addition to a few pairs of pants, there were several skirts, each skirt was taller than the one on the outside, which was stacked on purpose; the same was true for the upper body - many shirts, several sheepskin jackets, and several vests. Beside these stacked clothes, there is also a gray quilted cotton jacket, which is minimalist in style, reminiscent of the monastery or concentration camps in the Far East .
layers, these clothes combined into one form, actually constitute a certain aesthetic, Anuska even likes it very much; the colors of the clothes were carefully selected, which made her feel particularly amazing, although she was not sure that the choice was artificial, or just the entropy increase effect of high-end fashion - fading colors, gradually losing wear marks, and gradually cracking seams.
But the weirdest thing is her head - wrapped tightly with a piece of cloth, and then pressed with a warm hat with ear protection; her face was completely covered, and you can only see her mouth spitting out strings of curses without stopping. This looks so unsettling, so Anuska never wanted to figure out what those curses were scolding. The same is true now, Anuska accelerated his pace as she walked past her, afraid that this woman would grab her. Even fearful of hearing Anuska's name pop up from those raging words of anger.
On this day of December, the weather was very good, the sidewalk was very dry, there was no snow, and her shoes were very good at taking advantage of her feet. Instead of getting on the bus, Anuska crosses the bridge deck and walks slowly along the multi-lane highway, feeling like walking on the bank of a large river – a broad and unbridged river.
She likes to walk like this. She won’t cry until she walks to her church. She always kneels in the dark corner until her legs lose consciousness, and kneels until she enters the next stage of numbness and tingling - everything is empty. But now, she threw the handbag to her shoulders and hugged the plastic bag containing the plastic flowers, which was for tomb sweeping.
She tried not to think about anything. In any case, she could not think about what kind of home she came from.She was about to walk to the most beautiful neighborhood in the city, and there were so many things for her to see—the streets were filled with shops, and the smooth and slim plastic models were indifferently showing the most expensive fashions in the window.
Anuska stopped and looked at a hand-sewn handbag, decorated with countless beads under the decoration of tulle and lace, which was a masterpiece. She finally walked to the pharmacy that sold specific medicines and had to wait in line to get the medicine. But she always gets the necessary medicine. Useless medicine. It didn't relieve her son's illness at all.
She bought a bag of Russian small crispy cakes from the food stall with a sheath and sat on the bench in the square to eat. She found that there were many tourists in her chapel. The young priest , who is usually busy around the altar, is now like a businessman, standing among the goods he sells, busy telling the history of this building and the icon screen to tourists.
He recited the knowledge he had mastered in a singing tone, with his tall and thin body, his head above the small group of listeners, and the beautiful bearded like a unique halo - sliding from the top of his head and towards his chest. Anuska retreated: How could she pray and cry with so many tourists present?
She waited and waited for another group of tourists. After they entered, Anuska decided to find another place to make herself cry - and there was a church that was small, cold, and often did not open the door. She had been in once, but didn't like it - the cold inside and the damp smell of the wood made her uncomfortable.
But now she doesn't want to be picky. She must find a place to make herself cry, a hidden but not empty place: she must have a higher and more important existence than herself, a giant arm with vitality trembling, stretched out, and be with her.
Anuska also needs to feel the other's gaze falling on herself, feel the other witnessing her crying, and feel that all this does not point to the void. That gaze can come from the eyes of painted on the wood, always open eyes that will never be bored with anything, always calm; just let those eyes look at her without blinking.
She lit three candles and threw a few coins into tin can . The first one is ordered for Pedia, the second one is for the husband who is self-enclosed, and the third one is for the mother-in-law who is wearing a hot-skinned home clothes. She lit them, added a few candles that had been lit on the candlestick, then turned around and found a place for herself on the right, in the dark corner, without disturbing an old woman who was praying. She made a large move, drew crosses up, down, left and right, and started her tearful ceremony in this way.
But when she raised her eyes to pray, another face emerged from the dimness - a gloomy idol, a huge face. It was a large plate hanging high above, almost below the church dome, and on it was painted with a few strokes of brown and gray.
The face was gloomy, facing the gloomy background, without a halo, without a jingguan, only a pair of eyes shining, and a beam of eyes stared at her straight, just as she longed for it. However, that was not the kind of gaze Annuska wanted—what she expected was the tender gaze full of love. This gaze was like hypnosis, making her unable to move.
Under such gaze, Anuska's body shrank. He only stayed here for a moment, drifting from the ceiling, from the distant deep darkness—where God occupied and hiding. He doesn't need a physical body, he just needs a face that she must face at this moment. It was a penetrating gaze, which was extremely painful, piercing her mind, like a screwdriver tightening.
A hole was drilled into her mind.It was entirely not the face of the savior, but a drowning man who hid himself under the water to avoid the capture of ubiquitous death. At this moment, because of the mysterious water surging, it floated up from under the water, highly awakened, with clear consciousness, as if saying: Look, I am here. But she didn't want to see him.
Anuska lowered her eyes, and she didn't want to know - God is weak, lost, He has been exiled, wandering on the garbage pile of this world, in the stench of this world. Crying is also in vain. This is not a good place to cry.
This God will not lend a helping hand, will not support or encourage her, will not purify or save her. The gaze of the siege penetrated her forehead; she heard a whisper, the thunder from the distance, the vibration under the church floor.
It is probably because she didn't sleep for a long time last night, and because she didn't eat anything today - now she feels dizzy. Tears will not shed, and the places where tears should have them are still dry.
She jumped up and walked out the door. He was stiff all over and headed straight to the subway station.
It feels like something enters itself, making her nervous from the inside out, as if she has plucked a string, making her make a crisp sound, but no one can hear it. The quiet sound was only a sound for her body - a concert that was fleeting in a crisp shell sound field. But she still listened, all perceptions were introverted, but her ears could only hear the sound of her own blood rushing.
Steps down, she suddenly felt that this staircase would never be completed, some people walked down, and some people walked up. On weekdays, her eyes would wander through other people's faces, but now, Anuska's eyes were stunned by the scene in the church and could not control themselves.
Her eyes quickly fell on the face of every person coming and going--every face was like a slap in the face, and it hit her hard, making her feel painful. Soon, she would be unable to bear it, she would have to cover her eyes, just like the crazy woman at the exit of the subway station, and would also curse loudly like her.
"Pity me, please." She muttered softly, her finger holding the handrail kept sliding down, sliding faster than the stairs sinking; if Anuska doesn't let go, she will fall.
She saw a large group of pedestrians up and down, shoulder to shoulder. They seemed to be tied into a string by chains, quickly slid towards the place they were going to, headed straight to the ten-story somewhere in the suburbs, covered their heads with quilts, and fell into a sleep made up of fragments of day and night. In the real world, that dream will not disappear in the early morning - those fragments are pieced together, or there are blank spaces and loopholes; some combinations are very wise and can be called precursors.
She saw how fragile her arms were, eyelids vulnerable, how subtle and changeable the lines of a person's lips were, and they could be twisted into a sneer at any time; she saw how weak their hands were, and how weak their legs were - she would definitely not be able to carry them to any destination.
She saw how their hearts beating in a straight spot. Some people's hearts beating fast, some people's hearts beating slowly, all of which are ordinary mechanical movements. The lung sac is like a dirty plastic bag, and you can hear the rustling noise during ventilation. Their clothes became transparent, and she could see that they had been in a state of disorder throughout their lives. Our bodies are barren, dirty, useless—without exceptions—but are used to the fullest.
Escalator sends all these creatures to the depths of hell. The eyes of Hellhound are in the glass booth next to the bottom of the escalator. The huge demon statues are in the marble and pillars that are bullying - some are holding sickles, and some are holding bundles of wheat ears. The pillar-like giant legs, and the giant's shoulders. Trailer - The hell weapon with sharp torture tools must carve trauma that cannot be healed on the earth.
People crowded together, rushed from all directions, and raised their hands earnestly in panic, opening their mouths, trying to scream. The final judgment happened here, and deep in the subway, the crystal chandeliers that illuminated all this cast a deadly yellow light. You can't see the Judges anywhere, yes, but you can feel their presence anytime, anywhere.
Anuska wanted to retreat and turn around and run upwards, but the escalator did not allow her to do so. She could only continue downward and she would not be pardoned. The subway would hiss a big mouth in front of her and suck her into the gloomy tunnel. But of course, there are hell everywhere, even on the heights of the city, on the ten and sixteenth floors of the towering buildings, on the tip of the tower, on the top of the antenna. Can't escape from hell. Could this be the case when that crazy woman shouted between curses and scolds?
Anuska fell and leaned against the wall. White lime rubbed on the wool twill coat, as if applying ointment to her.
She had to get off the bus. It was already dark and she couldn't see clearly what was outside through the window. There was a tree-like frost on the window glass. She seemed to get off at a certain stop casually, but she was already familiar with this route, so it was this stop. Just walk a few more courtyards - she always takes the shortcuts - and you will get home. But she walked slowly and slowly, her legs and feet seemed not to want to take her to the destination. They were in conflict with each other, and her steps became smaller and smaller.
Anuska stopped. She raised her head and looked at the lights of her home. They must have been waiting for her—so she walked up again, but stopped immediately. The cold wind pierced her coat like a sword, lifted the hem, and grabbed her thighs with cold fingers.
When the wind touches the flesh, it is like a sword blade or sharp glass. The tears from the cold pussy slid down her cheeks, pointing the wind in the direction and blew her face. Anuska ran towards the stairwell ahead, but when she reached the door she turned around, pulled up her collar, and took all her strength to return along the road as soon as possible.
Only in the vast waiting hall of Kiev Station is warm, and so is in the bathroom. She stood there, unable to make up her mind, letting the pedestrians walk past her (they always have a slow, loose gait, moving their legs and feet lightly, as if they were walking leisurely on the boulevard by the sea), she pretended to be looking at the train schedule; she didn't even know why she was afraid, after all, she did nothing bad.
Anyway, the patrol officers are paying attention to other objects, and they can pick out men wearing leather jackets, olive-skinned skins, and women wearing headscarves from the crowd at a glance.
Anuska walked out of the station and saw the woman with layers of wraps from a distance: she was still staggering and hoarse in her voice - in fact, now she could not hear her voice, nor could she tell what she was scolding. Very good--she hesitated for a moment, then calmly walked towards her and stopped in front of her. This made the woman afraid, but for only a moment-something she could definitely see Anuska through Bu who covered her face.
Anuska took another step closer, and now she was very close to her, and she could smell the woman's breathing—the smell of dust, moldy, and oily. The woman became more and more gentle as she spoke, and in the end she simply stopped making a sound. She was staggering, but now she has become shaking in place, as if she can't stand quietly. They stood face to face for a while, pedestrians walked past them, no one cared, and only one glanced at them; pedestrians were very anxious, and the car would drive away at any time.
"What are you talking about?" Anuska asked.
The woman who was wrapped in layers of layers froze, held her breath, and began to rub against the side as if she was scared, walking towards the construction site and the muddy and frozen sidewalk. Anuska followed her, staring at her without squinting, just a few steps behind her, following closely behind the quilted jacket, behind the little wool boots that were swaying left and right. She would never let her slip away.
The woman looked back and wanted to leave quickly, almost trotting, but Anuska was young and strong.Her muscles are strong: How many times have you been walking down the stairs with Pedia in one hand and his wheelchair in the other? How many times have I been going upstairs like this just because the elevator stopped?
"Hey!" Anuska shouted from time to time, but the woman ignored it.
They walked through other people's courtyards, through garbage dumps and flat small squares. Anuska didn't feel tired, but he put down the plastic flowers that he had originally wanted to put in the cemetery, and going back to get them would probably be a waste of time.
Finally, the woman squatted down and gasped, was out of breath . Anuska stopped a few meters behind her, trying to wait for her to stand up and turn to face herself. The woman had no direction and now she had to surrender. Sure enough, she turned her head and looked back, and she had pulled down the blindfolded Bra, you could see her face. Her pupils were light blue, and at this moment, she stared at Anuska's shoes with a horror look.
"What are you going to do? Why are you following me?"
Anuska did not answer. She felt that she had caught a big prey, a big fish, whale , but she didn't know what to do with it; she didn't need this kind of spoil. The woman was very panicked, and it was in this panic that all her curses were obviously gone.
"Are you a policeman?"
"No." Anuska replied.
"What's going on?"
"I want to know what you said. You keep saying it, and I see you every week when I go to the city."
After hearing this, the woman became a little bolder and replied, "I didn't say anything. Stay away from me."
Anuska bent down and stretched out her hand to express her willingness to pull her up, but her hand changed the path and held the woman's cheek. The face is hot, soft, and meticulous.
"I have no malicious intentions."
At the beginning, the woman completely froze and was shocked by her touch, but seemed to be comforted by Anuska's posture. She twisted her body randomly and stood up.
"I'm hungry." She said, "Let's go, there is a small shop there selling cheap hot sandwiches. You can buy me something to eat."
They walked over silently, shoulder to shoulder. When he arrived at the shop, Anuska bought two long bread sandwiches, with cheese and tomatoes in it, and stared at it so that the woman would not run away. She couldn't eat anything herself, so she could only hold the bread in front of her, like holding a flute in her hand, about to play a winter repertoire. They sit against the wall. The woman ate her sandwich and took the portion of Anusca without saying a word.
She is very old, even older than Anuska's mother-in-law. The wrinkles carved deep lines on her cheeks, from her forehead to her chin. She had a hard time eating because she had lost her teeth. As the tomato slices slip out of the bread, she would grab them at the last second and carefully push them back into place. She could only pull off a large piece of bread with her lips.
"I can't go home." Anuska suddenly spoke, looking down at his feet. She was very surprised that she actually said such words. Only at this moment could she think in horror what this sentence meant. The woman responded vaguely, and when she swallowed the bread in her mouth, she asked, "Do you have an address?"
"Yes." Anuska recited it out in one breath, "Apartment No. 78, Building 46, Kuznetsk Street."
"Then forget it." The woman said without thinking, her mouth filled again.
Volkuta. She was born there in the 1960s and now the old apartment building seems to have just been built. She remembered the smell of the buildings when they were brand new - clear lime, cement, asbestos used as insulating material , and mixed. Smooth PVC tiles indicate a bright future.But in the cold climate, everything will decay at a faster pace: frost disintegrates the integrated wall and slows down the circulating current speed.
She remembers the dazzling snow-whiteness in winter. The sunlight in exile, the sharp corners, the sharp white. The reason why there is such a white white is just to create a framework for darkness, and darkness will inevitably increase.
Her father works in the huge heating station, and her mother works in the cafeteria and can always bring some food home, so their family can barely eat enough. Looking back now, Anuska felt that everyone had a strange disease, hidden deep inside, under her clothes: huge sorrow, or something farther than sorrow, but she could not find the exact words to describe it.
The apartment buildings with eight stories tall all look exactly the same. Her family lives on the seventh floor, but as time goes by, as she grows up, the families above the fourth floor have been moved out and moved to areas that are more suitable for living, usually to Moscow, but it may also be elsewhere. In short, try to do what you can, the farther away from here, the better. The residents left by
will move downwards, as low as possible, because the lower floors are warmer, closer to others, and closer to the earth. Living on the eighth floor for months in the winter in the far north is like a frozen drop of water hanging under the cement arch of the world, just at the center of the frozen hell. The last time she visited her sister and mother, they had already lived on the ground floor. Her father has passed away for many years.
Annuska was admitted to an excellent normal school in Moscow, which was a very lucky thing; but unfortunately, she failed to graduate. If she had finished college, she would be able to be a teacher now, and maybe she wouldn't have met the man who is now her husband. Their genes will not be combined together, and they will mix up that toxic combination, allowing Pedia to endure the torture of incurable diseases as soon as she was born.
I don’t know how many times have Anuska tried to exchange, whether it is God, Our Lady, St. Parastiva, or the saint on the icon screen, or even the object that is more slim and closer to the fate. Let me exchange it with Pedia. I am willing to get his illness, I am willing to die, as long as he recovers. Her prayers are not only for herself, but also for others’ lives: her unwilling husband (let him get shot), and her mother-in-law (let her have a stroke). But of course she never got a promise for making such a vow.
She bought a ticket and went downstairs. There were still crowds there, and everyone had to go back to their beds from the city center to go to bed. Some people fell asleep in the carriage. Their sleepy breathing covered the window glass with water vapor; you can draw with your fingers on it, it doesn't matter what you draw, it will disappear in a while.
Anuska took the terminal: Southwest Station. She walked out of the car and stood on the platform. After a while, she realized that the train would turn around and return, and it was this train. She returned to the position she had just sat down, sat down, returned the same way, and sat to the terminal again. After several round trips, she turned to the ring line again. This route took her around the circle and arrived at Kiev station again as if she was returning home until almost midnight.
She sat on the platform until a fierce woman came over and scolded her to leave the station immediately because the subway was about to close. Although Anuska didn't want to leave, she left the station - the frost outside was completely frozen; as soon as she left the station, she found a small bar next to the station, with a TV hanging under the ceiling, and several tables sat with tourists who didn't know where to go.
She ordered lemon black tea , cup after cup, then borscht , watery, it was very unpalatable, and then, she held her head with her hands and stared for a while. She was very happy because there was no thought in her mind, nothing to care about, nothing to expect or desire. That was a wonderful feeling.
The first train was still empty. At every stop behind, more and more people got on the bus. Finally, they squeezed to the front and touched the back. Anuska seemed to be sandwiched between the giant's back and was almost crushed.She couldn't reach the pull-up ring, so she could only lean on the body of a stranger. Then, the number of people suddenly became fewer and when the next stop, the carriage was almost empty, with only two or three passengers left.
Now, Anuska knows: some people will not get off the bus even when they reach the terminal. She got off the bus alone and took another route. But she would look through the windows and watch them find seats at the end of their respective carriages, putting their plastic bags or backpacks — usually old, sackclothed — at their feet. They either half-close their eyes and doze; or spread out the wrapping paper of certain foods, apologize to others over and over again, and then chew them carefully.
She switched because she was afraid of being discovered, or she grabbed her arm, shook her, or handcuffed her somewhere - that would be the worst thing. Sometimes, she would walk to the other side of the platform, and sometimes, she would walk to other platforms; she would roam around by elevators and tunnels, but never look at the signposts and wander completely freely.
For example, she went to Qingtang Station, took the Sokoliniki line, transferred to Kaluga-Riga Station, took to Medvedkovo Station, and then returned to the other side of the city. She would pause in the bathroom to check her appearance and make sure she looked normal, not because she felt it was necessary (really not needed), but to avoid being discovered - being caught by the hellhounds guarding the escalator and sitting in glass booths because of her dishevel.
She suspected that they had developed the ability to sleep with their eyes open. She bought some sanitary napkins, a few soaps, the cheapest toothpaste and toothbrush in the small supermarket. She would sleep on the ring line for an afternoon. At night, she walked the steps out of the station and might run into the layered woman - but she wasn't there. It was very cold, even colder than the day before, so Anuska, who could return to the underground, breathed a sigh of relief.
The next day, the woman wrapped in layers came back, her body swaying back and forth on her frozen legs and feet, still yelling, which sounded like nonsense. Anuska stood where she could see, on the other side of the aisle, but the woman obviously did not see her and was immersed in her own sad complaints and lamentations. At the end, Anuska grabbed the gap that passed in the abortion for a moment and walked straight to her.
"Let's go, I'll buy you bread."
The woman stopped shouting, and suddenly interrupted her hypnotic curse. She rubbed her two leather gloves against each other, stomped her feet like a saleswoman who was frozen in the open-air market. They walked to the shop together. Anuska was really happy to see her.
"What's your name?" she asked.
The woman was busy eating bread and just shrugged. But after a while, her mouth was still full of Dunden, and she replied, "Calina."
"My name is Anuska."
talk ended here. When the cold force her to escape back to the station, Anuska asked another question:
"Carina, where are you sleeping?" The woman wrapped in layers of
told her that she would go back to the store to meet when the subway closed.
All night, Anuska sat on the same line, looking at his face reflected on the window glass with a dark wall in the underground lane in the background. She already recognized two people, at least two. She dared not speak to them. Now, she and one of them have taken several stops together - a tall and thin man, not old or even young, but it is hard to say.
Most of his face was covered by a sparse light-colored beard, with his beard hanging and his chest. He wore a flat cloth hat worn by workers, which was ordinary and worn out; he wore a gray coat, his pockets were bulging, and he carried a faded backpack; down there was a pair of lace-up boots, tightly wrapped around the legs of brown trousers, and the edges of hand-woven stockings emerged from the shoe stems.
He seems to be careless about anything, but just immersed in his reverie.He seemed very energetic when he jumped onto the platform, making people feel like he was heading for a distant, but definite destination. Anuska also saw him twice on the platform. Once, he fell asleep in a carriage that seemed to have stopped working that night and had no other passengers at all. Another time, he was also dozing, leaning his forehead against the window glass, and exhaling to form a small cloud of mist, covering half of his face.
Another person Anuska remembers is an old man. He had difficulty walking, so he had to use a cane, or even a wooden stick - a thick wooden stick made of solid wood with a curved handle. When he walked into the car, he had to support the door with his other hand, and usually someone would help him. As soon as he enters the car, someone will give up his seat, even if he is reluctant, but passengers usually get up.
He looks like a beggar. Anuska really thought about following him, just like before she ran with the layers of women. But at best she could only share a few stops in the same carriage with him, standing in front of him for about half an hour. Therefore, she was already very familiar with his facial features and his dress. She was not brave enough, anyway, she didn't have the courage to speak to him.
The old man always lowers his head and is indifferent to everything happening around him. Later, a crowd of people who came home from get off work rushed her elsewhere. She let the hot abortion of all kinds of smells and physical contacts take her away. Only after being carried by her hands through the turntable can she completely get rid of the abortion, as if she was a foreign object and was spit out by the underground world. Now, she had to buy another ticket and return to the site, and she knew that if this continued, the money would be spent soon.
Why did she remember these two people? I guess that's because they're always unchanged, and their way of acting seems to be different and slower. Others are like rapids, flowing from here to there, raising waves and turning out whirlpools, but they all have different shapes and fly by, and the river will forget them all. However, those two people were walking against the current, so they seemed so prominent in the crowd. Why can't the rules of rivers bind them? I think it is this problem that attracts Anuska. After the subway station closed, she waited for the woman wrapped in layers at the exit in front of the station. When she almost gave up, the woman finally showed up. Her eyes were also covered with cloth, and among the layers of clothes, her figure was like a bucket. She asked Anuska to follow her, and Anuska followed her. She was so tired that she was frankly tired that she had no energy at all and wanted to sit there, just sit anywhere.
They walked through the wooden bridge covered with big digging holes, walked through the tin tube fence covered with posters, and then walked into an underground corridor. They walked in the narrow corridor for a while, and it was very warm and comfortable inside. The woman pointed to the floor and signaled that Anuska could sleep in that place. Anuska lay down with her clothes and fell asleep as soon as she lay down. As she had long hoped for, she slept heavily, her mind was empty, without any thoughts; when she closed her eyes, only the picture she had just walked in the cramped corridor reappeared.
A dark room with a door leading to another room open, and that room is bright. There is a table here, people sit around the table, spreading their hands on the table, and they all sit very straight. They just sat like that, staring at each other in silence, without moving. She dared to swear that the man wearing a worker's hat was among them.
Anuska slept soundly. Nothing woke her up, no rustling sound, no squeaking sound of the bed, no squeaking sound of the TV. She slept like a rock, resisting the constant impact of the stubborn waves; she slept like a fallen tree, covered with moss and growing mushrooms.
Just a moment before waking up, she had an interesting dream - dreaming of a brightly colored makeup bag with the pattern of a baby elephant and a kitten, and she tossed and turned with her hands; then, she suddenly let go of her hand, but the bag did not fall, and it was hanging between her hands. Anuska also found that she could flip it without touching it.
She can move it with her mind. This is such a joyful discovery. She hasn't experienced such happiness for a long time. In fact, she has never had it since childhood. So, when she woke up, she was in a good mood and saw clearly that this was not the abandoned workers' dormitory she thought yesterday, but just an ordinary boiler room. So, it's so warm here.
She slept on a cardboard box spread flat on the edge of the pile of coal. There was also a newspaper with a small piece of stale bread on it, served with enough red peppers and lard. She guessed that it was left for her by Carina, but she didn't want to touch the food for the time being. She had to go to the toilet without doors and disgusting, and then find a way to wash her hands.
, how good it feels - incredibly good - joining the crowd and slowly getting warm. Coats and furs release the breath of each household - greasy, detergent, perfume. After passing through the turntable, Anuska lets himself go with the waves, the first wave of people of the day. This time I boarded the Kalinin-Sun Line train.
She stood on the platform and felt the air underground was so warm. As soon as the door opened, Anuska was squeezed into the car, crowded between people, so there was no need to pull the handrail. When the train turned, she tilted along the way, like grass swaying among the many grasses, like blades swinging among the ears of grain. When we arrived at the next stop, there were still people getting on the bus, even if we really couldn't squeeze in.
Anuska closed his eyes slightly, feeling that his hands seemed to be being held tightly, as if there were people from all directions hugging themselves with their sympathy and shaking themselves with their kind hands. Then, suddenly, they arrived at a certain stop, and many people got off the bus, and the rest could only stand on their own legs and feet again.
When she was about to reach the terminal, there was almost no one on the bus and she saw a newspaper. She first glared at it with doubtful eyes - maybe, she had forgotten how to read and read words? ——I picked it up later and browsed nervously. She saw an article about a model dying from anorexia, and the government is considering banning too thin female models from walking on the runway.
She also saw the terrorist incident - fortunately, she stopped another disaster in time. Yellow explosives and detonators were found in an apartment. She saw the lost whales stranded and all died on the beach. I saw the police tracking down the pedophile organization on the Internet. After seeing the weather forecast, it will get colder and colder in the next few days. See: Mobility has become a reality.
This newspaper seems to be a little wrong, it must have been tampered with - there must be fake. Every word she saw was unbearable and hurt. Anuska's eyes were filled with tears, and finally burst into his eyes, and big tears fell on the news. Just like those pages in the Bible that were almost unnoticed, the inferior newspaper paper immediately sucked away tears.
When the train reaches the ground section, Anuska will lean his head against the glass window and look out. Look at every color of the city, from dirty white to black. It consists of rectangles and irregular shapes, squares and right angles. She followed the high-voltage wires and cables with her eyes, then looked at the roof of the building and counted the number of antennas. Close your eyes again.
When she opened her eyes again, the world had jumped from one place to another. It was dusk, and once again, she revisited the same place. She saw the low sun passing through the white clouds, and the redness illuminated the apartment building, but in just a moment, a few seconds, it could only illuminate the roof. The highest floor was like a huge torch ignited. After
, she sat in a bench on the platform with a large advertisement hanging high on the wall behind her.She ate all the rest of the breakfast. Go to the bathroom to wash and then return to your seat. The rush hour is about to begin. People who came by this line in the morning were going to return in the opposite direction.
The train stationed in front of her was bright and almost empty. There was only one person in the entire carriage - the man wearing a worker's hat. He stood straight like a tight string. When the train started, inertia made him sway; the train drove away and was swallowed by the black hole underground.
"I'll buy bread for you." Anuska said to the woman wrapped in layers. The woman stopped shaking her body for a while, as if she had to stay still to understand a sentence. Just one second later, she turned and walked towards the small shop selling sandwiches.
They leaned against the wall behind the shop, and the woman bent down and drew crosses in front of her for more than a dozen times before she started eating.
Anuska asked about the people she had been sitting silently in the boiler room the night before yesterday. She paused her whole body again, but this time there was a mouthful of bread in her mouth. She said something intermittently, for example, "How could it be?" She spat viciously, "Miss, stay away from me the fuck."
She left. Anuska went to take the subway and sat until one o'clock in the morning. Before the subway closed, the hellhounds drove everyone out. She wanted to go to the warm boiler room, but after walking around the place she remembered for several times, she still couldn't find the entrance. So she walked back to the subway station, took out all the remaining corners, bought borscht in small plastic cups, continued a few cups of hot tea, and supported her head on the triple table, and stayed up bravely all night.
As soon as she heard the harsh sound when the fence door opened, she rushed to the ticket machine at the station door to buy the ticket and walked down. She saw on the car window glass that her hair was already very greasy and she couldn't tell her original hairstyle at all. Now, other passengers didn't seem to want to sit next to her. The thoughts that come up from time to time will panic her: Will she meet an acquaintance?
However, no one she knew met this line; however, just in case, she still hid from the corner against the wall. Anuska began to think: Who is the so-called familiar person? The female postman, the woman in the shop downstairs of the apartment, the woman living opposite the door, but she didn't even know their names.
She really wanted to cover her face, just like that woman, wrapped in layers; in this way, it was a really good idea - to cover her eyes, try not to look at outsiders as much as possible, and to avoid being seen as much as possible. She will bump into someone else, but that will only bring fun and touch others. The old lady sitting next to her took out an apple from the plastic bag and handed it to her with a smile.
At the Cultural Park Station, when she was standing in front of the stall selling Piroshki pies, a young man with a shaved buzz head bought her a special copy. These little things were enough to lead her to conclude that her appearance was definitely not in her best condition. She would thank her, not refuse, even if she had a few coins on her body.
She witnessed many incidents: a policeman caught a man in a leather jacket; a couple became more and more quarreled, and they were both drunk, and their voices were soaring that they were hoarse; a teenage girl was sobbing and muttering, "Mom, Mom." But no one dared to do anything, and it was too late to help, so she got off at the Communist Youth League Station.
She also saw a short man with dark skin running all the way, rushing around the pedestrian, but was eventually trapped on the crowded escalator, and was grabbed by two other men and pried open his tight palms. At that moment, a woman lamented that she had been stolen and nothing was gone, but her voice came from further away, gradually falling down and finally disappeared.
twice a day, she would see an old man with empty eyes passing by her eyes in the brightly lit carriage.She didn't even know that it was already dark outside, and the street lights were on, throwing the yellow light into the dense and cold air; today, Anuska did not see the sun at all. She left Kiev Station, returned to the ground, walked into the temporary passage along the building under construction, hoping to see the layers of women.
She was there, just at the place where she was usually staying, doing what she usually did - swaying in a small range, walking back and forth with traces similar to the figure 8-shaped figure, shouting out her constant curse, and it seemed like a pile of twelve rags. Anuska stood in front of her for a long time before the woman noticed her and stopped all her movements.
Then - although there was no arrangement in advance - they both walked quickly, without even saying a word or a word. It seemed that if they didn't hurry up, the target they were heading towards would disappear forever. When he walked to the bridge, the cold wind attacked like a female boxer, hitting her and also hitting her.
In a small shop in Albat District, they bought delicious pancakes, which were not expensive, and the marinated pork and sour cream were poured in sufficient amounts. The woman wrapped in layers put a few coins in the glass plate, and the owner helped them heat the food. They found a good place to be against the wall and enjoyed this delicacy.
Anuska looked obsessively at the group of young people around the bench. Although it was cold, they were drinking beer and playing guitar. Rather than saying that they are playing music, they are making trouble. They shouted at each other and wandered around. There were two girls riding on horseback, which was not common. Both horses were tall and obviously had just been carefully taken care of in the stable;
One of the girls, like an Amazon warrior, greeted the children playing guitar, and dismounted on the horses and chatted gracefully while holding on to the reins. Another girl talked to the lonely tourists, trying to convince them to give them some money to buy food for horses - she said this to them anyway - but the tourists believed that they would only use the money to buy beer. The horse doesn't look nutritious.
The woman wrapped in layers hit her with her elbow and said, "Eat quickly."
However, Anuska could not move her eyes away from the scene on the street; she looked at the young man almost greedily, with the pancake still in her hand. In them, what she saw was her Pedia; he was about the same age as them. Pedia returned to her body, as if she had never born him into this world.
He was there, curled up in her raised belly, growing as heavy as a stone, growing in pain - she must give birth to him again, this time, from every pore in her, he was born in sweat. At this moment, he had already swollen into her throat and penetrated into her lungs, so he could only appear in a sob, and there was no other way.
doesn't work, she can't eat pancakes - her body is full. When the girl who could sit there, pick up a can of beer and give it to the horse, leaning on the horse and bursting out laughing loudly, Pedia was stuck in her throat. He could have moved with ease, bent down and tied his boots, raised his arms, put one foot in the stirrup, and then threw the other leg away from his horse.
sat upright on the horse's back, riding his horse through the street, and smiling, the sparse beard that had just grown covered its upper lip. He could have run downstairs and rushed towards them like a whirlwind; after all, he was about the same age as these boys, and she, his mother, should have been worried about him escaping chemistry class, not being able to get into college, and ending up like his father, worried about his inability to find a job smoothly, and fear that he would not like the wife he chose, and worry about their child too early.
Thousands of threads piled up heavily in her heart, making it increasingly difficult for her to bear. She just happened to see a girl's movement: in order to tame the anxious horse, she pulled down the reins that were put on its head, making it have to bow its head and calm down.
When the horse tried to turn around and walk away, the girl waved her whip and whipped the horse's back, shouting, "Stay here, damn! Stand up obediently!" At this time, the sour cream and pancake fell to the ground from Anuska's hand, and she had already rushed towards the girl who was competing with the horse, and punched her without saying a word.
"Don't bully it!" She screamed, the voice in her throat tense tightly, "Don't bully it!"
The frightened children reacted after a second, and wanted to push the woman wearing a plaid coat and suddenly became nervous, but at this time, another woman rushed over to help her: a crazy woman wrapped in a ragged shirt; both women wanted to take away the reins from the girl's hands and drive the girl away.
The girl started crying and hugged her head with her hands - she never expected to encounter such a brutal attack no matter what. The horse kicked and neighed again, finally broke free from the girl's restraint and ran in the middle of the road in Arbat, frightened (fortunately, there were almost no pedestrians on the avenue at that time); the sound of horse hooves echoed between the exterior walls of the buildings, reminding of street fighting or group fights; people opened the window and looked out.
But at this time, two policemen appeared at the end of the street, paced calmly, probably talking about some electronic games - there was no trouble anyway - but they immediately saw the riot, immediately turned to work, grabbed their own batons, and ran at full speed.
"Shake." The woman wrapped in layers said, "Shake."
They sat in the police station, waiting for the police who had red faces and were not happy with anything to give their confessions.
"Shake." She kept muttering to herself in a wild tone for the past few hours, obviously being scared. Adrenaline woke up the woman's tongue wrapped in layers. She whispered to Anuska's ear in case their private chat was heard by others - the man who was stolen, two young dark-skinned prostitutes, and the man who was injured on his head with his hands covering his bandage. Meanwhile, Anuska was crying, tears dripping down her cheeks continuously, but it was obvious that the long-held tears would soon shed.
Finally, it was their turn. The red-faced policeman turned around and shouted to someone in another room: "The woman who ran away from home."
immediately responded from that room: "You can let that person go, but give another person a crime of disturbing public security."
policeman said to the woman wrapped in layers: "If there is next time, we will drive you out of the city a hundred kilometers away. Do you hear that? We don't want the cult members to appear here." When
was speaking, he asked Anuska to leave his ID card, as if he was not aware of the word, and asked her to report his name, mother's name and address again. He asked her to report the address in full. Anuska touched the table with his fingertips, half-closed his eyes, as if he was memorizing a poem, and told him the information. She repeated the address twice: "Apartment No. 78, Building 46, Kuznetsk Street."
The police let her go first, and then let her go one hour later. The one who left first was a woman wrapped in layers, so when Anuska came out, she had already disappeared. It's nothing strange, it's terrible cold. She wandered aimlessly outside the subway station; her legs were urging her to carry her through these spacious streets to a place where the hilly suburbs, that is, the origin of all the streets, and after passing there, a new vision will be spread out before her-the vast plains that she breathes in full.
However, Anuska's bus arrived at the station; she ran over and happened to catch up. People have already left their homes, and although the sun has not yet come out, all kinds of morning activities can be seen everywhere on the streets. Anuska sat on the bus for a long time and sat on the edge of the city. Then, she stood at the gate of her apartment building, looking up at the high place, and looking at her window.Every window was dark, but when it got bright, she saw a light in her kitchen that was lit, so she walked straight into the door.
