On January 4, 1991, the famous female writer Sanmao hanged herself at the Veterans General Hospital in Taiwan at the age of 47.
Two days ago, Sanmao just entered the Veterans General Hospital for treatment because of his illness. However, just early in the morning of January 4, the hospital workers found the dead Sanmao while cleaning. Sanmao strangled his neck with a stocking in the bathroom of the hospitalization ward.
As one of the most famous writers in the 1970s and 1980s, Sanmao's first work quickly set off a craze on both sides of the Taiwan Strait as soon as it was released, and had a huge impact on readers on both sides of the Taiwan Strait.
In the eyes of readers, Sanmao, who once went to Germany and Spain alone to study, and traveled all over the world, is a brave and wise woman. She has infected thousands of people with her enthusiasm, humor, cheerfulness and kindness.
is such a talented, optimistic and brave female writer. What is the reason that made her finally choose to end her young life in this extremely tragic way and end her colorful life?
01 Huiji was hurt, and her love journey was bumpy
Sanmao's original name was Chen Ping. He was born in 1943. His ancestral home was Zhejiang Province. Later, he moved to Taiwan, China with his family.
Sanmao ranks second in the family, with an elder sister above and two younger brothers below. Unlike the other three siblings, Sanmao's growth process is more complex and slow. She is not only physically weak and sickly, but also psychologically sensitive and withdrawn.
. In contrast, her extreme premature wisdom.
In childhood and adolescence, this smart and sensitive child began to hide in a secluded corner and silently looked at the world with his innocent and simple eyes. She questioned the indoctrination of her by the people around her, resisted the disciplines of society, family, and school, and tried to think with her own brain and explore the meaning of life and the value of life in her own way.
However, the world is complicated and life is unpredictable, and it is not something a child can see through. The young Sanmao tried hard to explore but could never get the answer. This persistence gradually evolved into stubbornness, which made Sanmao live a very twisted life in her youth. She became increasingly unable to bear the school. could not bear the competition and pressure brought by pursuing those secular successes, so she left the school desperately.
After dropping out of school, Sanmao still couldn't get rid of that extremely depressed state. It was an indescribable frustration. Her face turned pale, had a violent temper, and had a perverse behavior. A little bit of trivial matter may cause her to cry and run away from home.
During that period, because of this melancholy, confused and maverick daughter, their parents were sad and sad. They were extremely disappointed, but they couldn't rest assured no matter what.
The family atmosphere is heavy. When the family sits together to eat, the air on the dining table seems to be frozen. This environment makes Sanmao more depressed and irritable. There was a torrent of pain rushing around her unhealthy body, making her unable to bear it and also exhausted her family both physically and mentally.
could not sit still and watch his child give up on himself. With the support of his parents, In the end, Sanmao left his family and went to Spain to study alone, and began his half-life of wandering.
During his study abroad, Sanmao traveled to Spain and Germany, and also visited the United States and other countries. In this journey full of novelty, Sanmao saw a completely different group of people from the original living environment, experienced a completely different lifestyle, and tried completely different foods. She began to try to open herself and show her youth.
The troubles and heartbreaks of young people are gradually healed. On the land of a foreign country, Sanmao slowly grew up to be a woman with love in her heart and light in her eyes, and also completed reconciliation with herself and reconciliation with the world.
Beautiful, intelligent and talented woman is always a shortage of suitors. In the passionate Spain, Sanmao met Jose for the first time, her future husband.
After meeting Sanmao, Jose was quickly attracted by the romantic and enthusiastic Sanmao, and the eyes of her looking at her were full of admiration.
However, Jose was just a middle school student at that time. He solemnly told Sanmao that he would wait for him for six years. After he graduated and finished his military service, he married her.
In Sanmao's eyes, middle school student Jose is just a simple and cute little boy, and the agreement to get married six years later is just a joke for the child.
Later, Sanmao also had several relationships one after another, and each time he was devoted to each other. However, some people were not good people, and some were obsessed with their careers and marriages, and they ended up in failure.
Until 1972, Sanmao, who returned to Taiwan, knew each other and fell in love with a German man. The two were in love and like-minded, and they got engaged with the blessings of their family and friends.
html There will be unexpected situations in 0 days, and people will have good fortune and good fortune at any time. Shortly after the engagement, the fiancé suddenly became ill and left. Sanmao, who was still immersed in happiness, was so depressed by the cold and cruel reality that he was almost collapsed.In order to avoid seeing things and thinking about others, Sanmao once again went away from foreign countries, hoping to stay away from sadness and get out of the pain.
This time, Sanmao came to Spain again and met Jose again. Jose was 24 years old at this time and was already an adult man. Perhaps it was because of the will of God that this reunion happened to meet the two of them for a six-year appointment.
With Jose's company, Sanmao was nourished by new love. She gradually got out of the haze of the past and started to manage her life again. She accepted Jose and the two registered their marriage in the Sahara Desert. After going around, these foreign lovers, who are six years apart, eventually became a relative of gods in distant West Africa.
Sanmao once wrote in the article that every time I think of you, a grain of sand falls from the sky, and from then on, there is a Sahara. Sanmao wrote their married life into an article, named "The Story of the Sahara" and compiled and published it with humorous brushstrokes to show the life of making fun of the bitterness of the foreign desert and the sweet bits of the two of them getting along with each other.
Through the text, readers all feel Sanmao's happiness. The melancholy daffodils in the past became a happy little woman under the care of the bearded Jose.
But the essence of life is cruel, and fate seems to be particularly unfair to this talented woman. The happy and sweet married life lasted only a few years, and Jose, who was engaged in diving, had an accident during an underwater operation and unfortunately died.
This sudden disaster brought great pain to Sanmao and almost knocked her down. Sanmao is lucky. With Jose's tolerance and company over the years, Sanmao is like a transformation. Jose uses his love to nourish Sanmao's originally fragile life.
But Sanmao was also unfortunate. Her beloved husband left him, and the loving couple was separated from each other from now on.
So Sanmao packed his bags again and left for a foreign land. Spain, Germany, Argentina, Chile, Peru, Mexico... Her footprints have been left in many places around the world. She wrote her journey experiences and travel notes, communicated with readers who loved her in words, and shared her joy and sorrow.
But no matter the care of family and friends, the love of readers, or the customs and customs of foreign countries, Sanmao cannot erase the sadness of losing his lover. After wandering outside for a few years, Sanmao deposited all the pain in her heart. She ended her long journey and returned to her family in Taiwan.
During the day, Sanmao is like an ordinary person. She works, reads, writes articles, and makes friends, as if she has not experienced any pain. But when it was late at night, she hid in the house where she was the only one, quietly licking her wounds.
There are constant pursuits around her, but no one can touch her soul and touch her heartstrings.
until I met Wang Luobin.
02 Going far to the northwest to pursue the distant place
Born in 1913, Wang Luobin is a very famous national musician. Many of his works have been popular for many years and have been widely sung at home and abroad. He is known as the "King of Western Songs".
Sanmao is one of the fans. She grew up listening to "In That Distant Place" since she was a child. She likes to humming softly in her mouth while imagining the vast and desolate land in the northwest and the sheep-herding girl in her mind.
At that time, after Sanmao, who was far away in Taiwan, China, read an interview with Wang Luobin in a newspaper, he developed a strong interest in this talented man who had experienced all kinds of vicissitudes of life, and wanted to see him.
So Sanmao immediately contacted his friend and asked for Wang Luobin's contact information. She signed up for a mainland tour group and went to Urumqi.
After arriving at the destination, Sanmao did not contact her in advance and directly killed Wang Luobin's doorstep. The ordinary wooden door was knocked on. The moment Wang Luobin opened the door, Sanmao's heart door, which had been closed for a long time, also opened.
Sanmao expressed his intention on the grounds of helping his friend deliver royalties to Wang Luobin. Wang Luobin let her into the house and the two began to talk.
At the beginning, it was just a faint greeting, but on one side was a humorous and bold female writer with playful style, and on the other side was a passionate, romantic, unrestrained Western singer king. Both of them had abundant artistic talents and rich life experience, which made them easily find a common topic, and the distance between the two quickly narrowed.
They talk about music and words; they talk about the braids of the Dabancheng girl, and the felt of the South American Indians;
talk about the interesting experiences in Xinjiang's field trip over the years, and the new experiences when traveling in South America;
also talks about the depression and depression of their youth's unsuccessfulness, and the loneliness and sorrow of their youth's loss of their lover.
Sometimes they express their feelings directly and talk about everything; they will be relatively speechless and have the same meaning.
On the night of meeting, Sanmao and Wang Luobin chatted a lot, and they returned to their residence excitedly late.
In the distant and strange Urumqi, Sanmao met Wang Luobin. The two of them felt that their desire to talk to each other seemed to be activated at the same time. They told each other about their unique life experiences and expressed their understanding and appreciation for each other.
They are like old friends who have been reunited for a long time, and can easily understand each other's pride and pain; they also seem to be lovers who have just fallen in love with endless enthusiasm and attachment to each other.
The day after meeting, Wang Luobin took the initiative to go to the hotel where Sanmao stayed to look for her early in the morning. The two started a pleasant conversation again.
However, the journey always ends, and the tour group's itinerary expires soon, and Sanmao reluctantly returns to Taiwan with the tour group. At this time, Sanmao was still the person he came, but he was no longer that person - her heart came alive.
03 Going to the northwest again, just for the love in your heart
Although the difference between the two is a total of thirty years old, the fire of love is burning in Sanmao's heart again.
After returning to Taiwan, Sanmao began to write letters to Wang Luobin. She wrote one letter after another, constantly, and expressed her love to Wang Luobin in the letter, and also looked forward to Wang Luobin being able to give him the same love.
But Wang Luobin even rarely responded.
Wang Luobin has a completely different life trajectory from Sanmao. He was born in Beijing in 1913. He devoted himself to the anti-Japanese and national salvation movement when he was young and wrote many anti-Japanese songs.
, joined the People's Liberation Army of China. After retiring, enjoy the treatment of a deputy division level. Such an identity and experience made him have many concerns about Sanmao's bold pursuit.
First of all, it is the age gap.
met Sanmao in 1990. At that time, Wang Luobin was already 77 years old, while Sanmao was only 47 years old. In Wang Luobin's view, the 30 years between them seemed to be a huge gap between them and could not be crossed.
also has concerns about identity.
Wang Luobin is not only a musician, he was also a soldier and a retired cadre.
and Sanmao is a female writer known for her romantic and unruly. Therefore, in addition to himself, Wang Luobin also needs to consider whether it will have a negative impact on the identity of a soldier and the image of a retired cadre if he accepts Sanmao's love.
But Wang Luobin's cold reaction did not calm down Sanmao. At this time, she regained her passion for life because she met a soulmate.
Seeing that she had written multiple letters in a row, but rarely received reply letters, she was anxious and eager to see Wang Luobin, want to express her love to him in person, and want to hear his answer with her own ears.
So Sanmao made a quick decision and she went to Urumqi again without hesitation.
Wang Luobin received the news from Sanmao and made various preparations for her arrival. From the rooms they live to furniture, mattresses, bedding, toothbrushes, and washbasins, everything is carefully selected by Wang Luobin himself. He cannot respond to her love, and can only express his care in the details of his life, hoping that Sanmao, who has come from afar, can live as comfort as possible.
However, the moment Sanmao walked into Wang Luobin's house, she felt as if a basin of ice water was poured down from her head, making her whole body cold. She saw a young girl in Wang Luobin's family. The girl introduced herself as a female college student who Wang Luobin specially invited to help take care of Sanmao's daily life.
Sanmao looked at Wang Luobin for a long time. Even though they have not been acquainted for a long time, even though the past is short, Sanmao still deeply believes that he and Wang Luobin are the "old spirits by the Three Lives Stone" and are each other's soul mates.
At this moment, Sanmao suddenly felt unfamiliar with the man standing in front of her. It turned out that she did not really understand him.
Soon Sanmao moved out of Wang Luobin's house and moved into a hotel. The dry environment in the northwest made Sanmao feel uncomfortable. She fell ill in this city several thousand kilometers away from her hometown.
Sanmao was very eager for Wang Luobin's care, but Wang Luobin happened to be filming a program at that time and could not get out of it. had to arrange another female college student to take care of Sanmao.
Wang Luobin's behavior made Sanmao completely awake. Three weeks later, she was forced to leave in this way and returned to Taiwan. Leave only your own hairpin and a strand of long hair as a memory.
This is her last meeting with Wang Luobin.
04 Leaving the world, returning to peace
From the southeast to the northwest, and then from the northwest to the southeast. Before leaving, Sanmao embarked on the itinerary alone, and when he came back, he was still alone. The only difference is that I have experienced a huge gap from eager expectation to disappointment again.
If you are not interested, I will stop. Sanmao is not a woman who can take it and can't let go. She has already understood Wang Luobin's polite alienation and the reasons behind this. She decisively drew a clear line with Wang Luobin and no longer got entangled.
Sanmao tried his best to calm himself down. When facing people and things in the world, he was not naive, worldly, and not extreme, treated others well and was grateful. She calmly endured this new hurt, took this relationship as an experience in her life, and accepted it honestly.
But Sanmao is still an ordinary person. Although she acts calmly, it is too difficult to let go of this relationship that makes her soul burn again.
She wants to live a practical and ordinary life like other women, but the road of love is extremely bumpy, and all the lovers have left her; she wants to have children and be a 100% woman, but physically cannot have her own children; she holds the principle of joy and tranquility in life, and tries to grasp every bit of beauty in life, but what she gets is always lost in the end.
This female writer has a family who always supports her, has a large number of excellent works, an enviable reputation, and has countless readers who love her. She has all the money and glory that the world pursues frenzy, but what she really wants is nothing she has lost except what she has never obtained.
drifted for half his life, but he was still empty-handed. If you seek but fail to get it, the most painful thing in the world, and it makes you feel as if you are dead.After returning to Taiwan, under such torture, Sanmao, who was already weak in physical condition and poor in health, her physical condition continued to deteriorate and her psychological condition was getting worse and worse.
In early January 1991, Sanmao was hospitalized due to illness. Everyone around her thought this was just an ordinary admission to the hospital. After being cured and discharged from the hospital, she would continue to live and work as usual.
I didn’t expect this to be Sanmao’s last years.
0 In the early morning of January 4, the sky was still dark and the sun would take several hours to rise. Sanmao took out a piece of stockings and walked into the bathroom in the ward, and never came out again. She used that stocking to hang herself on the water pipe in the bathroom, and put an end to her 47-year life with her own hands.
Sanmao's ultimate misfortune is a tragedy of fate and a tragedy of her personal character.
She once wrote, "I have an unchanging belief in my heart. I don't know very well what it is, but I will not give up the power that guides me in the dark, until one day I leave the world and return to the eternal place."
No matter how you live, it is a life, and sticking to yourself is also a valuable quality, but sometimes change is indeed necessary. Changing a goal or finding new fun is also the meaning of life. Nothing that is eternal and unchanging in is change.
But now it is meaningless to say that. This man has passed away, and everything has been frozen in the moment of determination.
I just don’t know if Sanmao will recall the desolate and vast songs and the distant place at the last moment of his life.
Reference information source
1) "The Rainy Season Is Not Coming Again"
2) "Crying Camel"
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