1. Wife: Look at that person, he is tall, handsome, has a good temper, can make money, loves his wife, can cook good dishes and loves to clean. Let's see you again.
After hearing this, my husband looked intoxicated: Do you ask him if he likes men?
2. Securities work is really good, and other industries cannot compare with each other. You make more money in a bull market and get off work early in a bear market!
3.晚上正坐在沙发上看电视，老婆在一角训儿子：“再不听话我就揍你了！”
儿子试探着说：“妈妈～，你应该不会打人吧？”
老婆说了一句：“不会打人？！”
然后老婆对着我胸口就是一拳，转头冲儿子嚷：“你说呢！”
4.婚前，跟老婆谈恋爱时，每次早上我都会轻轻的把她吻醒，而她也会很甜蜜对我说：以后要天天这样。 . .
Now, I kissed her in the morning, but my wife slapped her in the face and said: Get out! I kissed me before I brushed my teeth! ”
5. My wife tried on a new piece of clothing at home and asked me if my son and I were beautiful.
I replied: “Well, the clothes are pretty. ”
The wife turned her head and asked her son: “Mom is beautiful? Still pretty clothes. "
The son replied to her: "Mom is beautiful! "
Wife curled her lips and sighed: "What others gave birth to is different from what you gave birth to! "
6. A friend said: "A good book has a thought-provoking plot, touching and tearful." . . "
Another buddy replied: "Are you talking about 'high mathematics'? I also cried once and once. "
7. I was offended by a female classmate today. She kept talking and scolding, "Have your conscience been eaten by a dog? "
I shouted: "You are not full or why? "
8. Every time I go to the bank, I always feel that the security guards inside are very familiar with handling the business! It is no less than a formal employee at all!
9. Man: "I heard that music and chocolate are more suitable on rainy days! "
female: "I heard it? Who did you hear? "
female: "Who did you hear? ! ! "
male...
female: "If you don't say it, just break up! "
10. My wife was weighing her weight and found that I was laughing aside.
My wife was immediately angry and asked, "Do you think I am fat? "
I quickly put away my smile and said seriously: "Wife, according to your weight, your height should be about 1.8 meters. You are not fat, you are a little short! ”
11. Boss: “I heard that you studied psychology in college? ”
Me: “Yes. "
Boss: "Then guess what I want to eat at noon? "
12. My son asked me what it felt like to get married. I opened his music player and deleted all the songs and left only one song. Set it to play in infinite loop until the battery runs out.
13. When shave, I always found that there were small wounds left by shaves on my face. I always thought it was because the shave was too sharp. In fact, it was not. The reason was still myself, it was because my skin was too thin.
14. For me, The most terrifying thing at the moment is: the food intake is unlimited, but the grades are not limited; social interaction is not successful, lazy people are still looking forward to the peak; ugly people are still obsessed with face, few friends prefer home; singles are always pretentious, and have no money and willfulness.
15. There are always too many unsatisfactory life, such as the person you like does not like you, and you do not like him. The key is that the person you like is ugly, and the person you like thinks you are ugly.
16. It has been a while since I called my wife a "rich woman", and she happily agreed every time.
Today, she asked me puzzledly: "You have no money and no wealth, why do you call me a rich woman?"
I replied weakly: "It's better to call you 'big belly' than 'big belly', right?"
17. In the morning, I queued up to buy breakfast, and a thick man came to the front of me. I said angrily: "How to go to the front?"
He looked back at me and grinned and said, "It's very simple, first of all, in front of me. Find a place and squeeze in.
18. Another night is another passionate night for a tall, rich and handsome guy like me. I parked my car in the most prosperous place, silently put down the carport, lit a cigarette, and leaned against the car.
The girls passing by all gave me hungry eyes, and my boyfriend could not hide their desire for me. At this time, another beauty came to chat with me: Big brother... How to sell watermelons?
19. I was single in the dormitory, and my roommate introduced me to a junior who had just broken up.
I was worried and asked, "She just broke up, can she accept me? "
roommate assured me: "Don't worry, brother, I know that she can't stand the loneliness. . . ”
20. A roommate raised two turtles and always shouted when feeding: “Come on, brothers have dinner. "
I laughed at him: "How can I call my brother to the turtle? ”
He said seriously: “They and I are sworn brothers. We do not seek to be born in the same year and the same month, but we do seek to die in the same year and the same month. ”
(non-original, reprinted from the vx official account, please call me Xiangjie)
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