1. The general manager of a restaurant launched a Mid-Autumn Festival promotion plan: "The longer the beautiful customer leaks his thighs, the more discounts." The boss panicked: "This is not possible! Whoever wears a skirt shorter will be able to discount more?" The general manager smiled: "It's useless to wear a short skirt. We require leg length: 1.9% off, 1.18% off, 1.27% off, 1.36% off, 1.45% off, 1.54% off! Let me tell you the truth, there are basically no one with a length of more than 1.3 meters."
2. An old man went to buy tomatoes and picked three. The stall owner weighed them and said, "One and a half pounds, three and seven yuan." The old man said, "Just make soup, it doesn't take that much." After that, he removed the largest tomato. The stall owner quickly glanced at the scale again, "One pound, two liang, three pounds." Just as I couldn't see it and wanted to remind the old man to pay attention to the stall owner's scale, the old man calmly took out 70 cents, picked up the big tomato that had just been removed, and turned around and left.
3. A man went to the hospital for treatment. The doctor asked, "What's wrong with you?" The elder brother said, "I have indirect amnesia." The doctor asked, "What are the specific symptoms?" The elder brother said, "As soon as I saw the beauty, I forgot that I had a wife." The doctor said, "Get out, I haven't cured this disease myself!"
4. A man rode a motorcycle in the market and knocked down a strange old man. The man shouted loudly, "Dad, you wait for me first, I'll find a doctor for you." After that, he ran away... The elder struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back for me!" Everyone sighed, "This son is really filial!"
5. After a man got married, his wife quarreled with him all day long. He really couldn't solve this problem, so he often went to his mother-in-law's house to tell his troubles. Once, my mother-in-law was in a bad mood and said, "I have to run to our house all day long. Can the manufacturer of the products sold be responsible for the rest of her life?" The man said a little aggrievedly: "Then you have to do a good job of after-sales service!"
6. After a beautiful female classmate was dumped by a male teacher, I looked at her very pitiful and became her boyfriend. One time during the holiday, I followed her home to meet my parents. Her mother said to me, "Look, you made my daughter, her neck was purple, and her body was still like it! Why did you hit her? Doesn't it hurt? Tell me well, I think it's not you who hurts." My girlfriend kept laughing secretly after hearing this, and never said anything. Then, we broke up like this...
7. My colleague who was a security guard together came to change shifts after dinner. I arrived at the cafeteria and were queuing up. Suddenly I saw a girl in front of me, who was very beautiful. I was thinking about how to chat with me, but I saw that the girl had finished eating and got up and walked out. But before I could think about it, I suddenly felt at a loss. When the girl walked to me, I couldn't help but stretched out my legs and tripped her...
8. A group of men chatted, and someone joked that it would be great if they changed monogamous to monogamous one day. A: "It's good, I'm afraid that the supply of goods cannot be guaranteed;" B: "It's good, I'm afraid that everyone's body cannot bear it;" C: "It's good, I'm just that the father of the child is not easy to find!"
9. One day, the naughty child ran in and shouted, "Report the king, there is a monk with a thunderbolt face outside and sent a thunderbolt outside to kill him." I thought he was making a fuss again, so I cooperated and said, "Give me my weapons and wait for me to go out to meet this guy." As soon as we got together, we saw his grandfather standing at the door of the bedroom with a dark face!
10. One morning, I was planning to have a meal at her house! As a result, her husband came back soon, and she quickly said, "Master, you have finished it all, you can go back!" I was angry at the time and said, "It's agreed that these jobs are 988 yuan, check out the bill!" The female colleague was stunned for a moment and had to give me the money. On the way, she sent me a WeChat message and said, "You are cruel enough, you want me 988 for that job!" I said unconvincedly, "The whole attendance is 500!"
11. One day, a female colleague in the company played a game. The female colleagues played the game that distinguished who was more beautiful from the degree of my blushing. I am the kind of person who blushs when seeing a beautiful woman, so I won’t play like this! Do I keep my face red?
12. One day, Xiao Wang came to the dormitory mysteriously to find me and said, "I heard that you have been in the power plant for internship these days?" I said, "Yes.""Then you don't need money to use electricity when you are in the power plant? "I guess he must have something big to ask me, and he said reluctantly: "Yeah. "Then he took out his cell phone: "So, can I charge my cell phone? ”
13. One night, I was working in front of the computer, my daughter was doing homework next to me, and my wife was busy frying fried dough sticks for us. At this time, my three-year-old daughter encountered a question that she couldn’t do, so she followed her mother in the kitchen and said, “Mom, I can’t do one question, why don’t you teach me! "My wife was a little busy with fried dough sticks, so she said to her daughter, "Child, I'm busy, why don't you ask your dad!" "So my daughter said, "Mom, have you told me that my father has never been to kindergarten, so he will definitely not do it! "
14. One night I had nothing to do, so I searched for people nearby on WeChat. I haven't taken the initiative yet! Someone greeted me: "Hi, beauty, are you going to have an appointment? "I thought it was okay anyway, just make an appointment! I actually met my dad in the hotel, and a flash of inspiration: "My mom knew you wouldn't do good things, so I asked me to follow you! "Later, my father knelt on the washboard all night!
15. One night, a woman stumbled into the police station, pointed to a blue scar on her left eye and told Police, saying that as soon as she entered the backyard of her home, someone beat her heavily, so she immediately escaped and reported the case. Police went to her house to check, and he came back half an hour later, with a blue eye on his eyes. The sheriff asked, "Why did you ask someone to beat her? ”. He replied, “No, she and I stepped on the same shovel! "
16. He was playing League of Legends in an Internet cafe and was beaten up by several people. When he got home, my father looked at my wounds and cried with pain. He said that there was no safflower oil at home, and it might be better if he boiled a few eggs and applied them. As he said that, he went into the kitchen. After a while, my father ran back to the bedroom with a plate of eggs. I felt curious and followed them secretly. My father called my mom in a low voice: "Wife, look at the boiled eggs I cooked for you, but it's still hot. You stayed up late last night and your eyes were swollen. Apply it quickly. After applying, where can I apply it to my son again! "
17. In the past few days, I don't know which neighbor brought a rooster back to the community from his hometown. Every day, crowing is started before dawn. My daughter has been living in the city and rarely hears the rooster crowing, so she is very excited. When the rooster crows, she also learns to scream. Before dawn, the whole family was woken up by her and told her not to scream. Instead, she screams even happier. I was almost crazy by her. This morning, I only heard the shouting next door: "Whose rooster, please kill and eat it quickly. I haven't had a good sleep for a few days. "At this time, my daughter quickly covered her mouth and didn't dare to speak. My stomach hurts...
18. On the weekend, my wife and I went to my father-in-law's house for dinner. When my father-in-law went to the market to buy vegetables, he took me to go with me. When I arrived at the stall selling eggs, my father-in-law picked some local eggs. He opened the video of the mobile phone and said to my mother-in-law: My wife, it was the stall last time. This farm native egg is 14 yuan per pound. You see, five pounds, yes, it's exactly 70 yuan. Then he turned off the phone and smiled at the store owner: I don't want this anymore. The 5 yuan per pound of feed eggs came to five pounds. I was stunned by the side and quickly paid 25 yuan. My father-in-law: "Learn to learn, my daughter is the same as her mother. It's not easy to save some cigarettes and alcohol! "
19. I was invited to attend the wedding of my high school classmates. I didn't know how they arranged the guests, so I sat with a table of strangers. After serving the dishes, I brought a plate of roast chicken, and I moved the whole roast chicken to myself. At this time, everyone looked at me and I said calmly: "What are you looking at? Are you afraid I can't finish it? "Suddenly, they must have been stunned by my domineering spirit!
20. On the weekend, my sister was about to take her niece to RT-Mart to shop, and suddenly she heard a knock on the door.
is the old woman opposite the door. She pointed to the basin of drops of water at the door, Guanyin , and asked her if she wanted it, and she threw it away.
Sister was about to move, but her niece stopped her and said: Mom, don't move, let dad move!
Sister was very moved: "My daughter knows she feels sorry for her when she grows up."
At this time, the niece said again: "The flowers you touched are dead. They are so cute. Just let it go! "
21. I heard that my sister-in-law was in a bad mood, so I went to the market to buy a chicken and comfort her. My mother-in-law was so happy that she cooked herself and stewed a pot of fragrant chicken soup. When I was eating, a chicken leg was placed on my side. I grabbed the chicken leg with my chopsticks and was about to put it into the bowl. My wife chopped me hard under the table, which scared me so much that my hands shook, and the chicken leg fell steadily into my sister-in-law's bowl. My sister-in-law was so moved that she burst into tears and said, "It's better for my brother-in-law to be nice to me! Why didn’t I meet a man as good as my brother-in-law? "
22. After the crooked-mouthed God of War lived in seclusion, he lived a life of leisurely Yun Yehe with his wife. The God of War and his wife went to the supermarket and bought a lot of things. The wife bought an vacuum cleaner and an feather duster . The God of War asked, "I have bought a vacuum cleaner, why do I still need to buy a feather duster? "The wife sneered and said, "I bought a vacuum cleaner to do housework for you, and a feather duster to prevent you from not doing housework! "God of War: "You are so cruel! "
23. My family's hierarchy is very strict! Today, my younger sister brought her boyfriend to meet her parents. My mother chatted with him for a long time and it seemed that she had passed. My mother asked me if I had any comments, and I said while gnawing on the chicken feet, "I came here to have a meal, and I had no right to speak! "My mother asked her father again, and she wore an apron to serve dishes: "I'm just a chef, my professionalism is not right, and I won't express my opinions. "
24. I went to my colleague's house and he said that his family was not financially good when he was a child and his life was very difficult. He also showed me photos of him when he was a child. I saw a photo of him with roast chicken and white chopped chicken on the table. Their family had a serious expression and holding chicken legs... Life is still hard? I pointed to this photo and asked, "Which year did this photo take this photo? "He: "I forgot about that year, I remember that I had avian flu at that time! "
25. Yesterday I celebrated my birthday and invited the goddess to go to KTV to sing. The two of them stayed in the private room for a while, and the goddess said, "It's so boring! Why don't we play something else! "I said, "That's easy, I'll ask a few buddies to come and play together. Ensure you have fun! "I contacted the two buddies here. After a while, the buddies drove his Maserati . Sure enough, after the buddies arrived, they put the car keys on the table. After seeing this, the goddess took the initiative to bring a glass of juice to the buddies and said hello, "Brother, I'll give you a glass of juice! "My buddy glanced at my goddess, then picked up the wine glass and drank it all. The goddess was not willing to be outdone. She raised the juice and drank it. As a result, less than a minute later, the goddess fell drunk on my buddy's chest. I wondered if girls can get drunk when drinking juice?
26. The chick asked the hen: "Can you not take me out to play without laying eggs? "The hen said: "No, I want to work!" "The chick said: "But you have laid so many eggs! "The hen said meaningfully to the chick: "One egg a day, put the kitchen knife aside, and no eggs are laid in January. pressure cooker see. It exists because you create value, and it is because you lose value. The value of the past does not represent the future, so work hard every day! "
27. The most disgusting thing I did when I was a child. When I was seven or eight years old, my teeth were loose and . One day I stewed a chicken at home. Because of the poor living conditions at that time, I saw that the chicken's eyes were green, so I couldn't care about my teeth! I picked it up and chewed it. After dinner, I found that my two teeth were gone and I ate it all. I was so scared that I couldn't do it anymore and cried! I was afraid of death! The next day, my bowel movement was pulled out, Damn! It was so amazing! Then I didn't know what I thought, I washed it with water and ate it. I pulled it out again a few days later. In this way, a pair of teeth were played with by me for a summer vacation!
28. A car was crushing a chicken to death when passing a small village. The driver picked up the unfortunate little chicken and said to a little boy who saw this: "Is this chicken your family belonging to? "No, sir, although my chicken is the same color and appearance as it is, it is not so flat. ”
29. A farmer was short of money and planned to sell the only rooster in his family.While feeding chickens, the farmer said sadly, "Eat! I'll sell you tomorrow!" The next day, I came to the chicken coop and saw the rooster dead and left a suicide note: "Your grandma, I didn't want to sell me the door. My grandma died of hunger strike. A few months later, I was a hero again."
30. I have been in my grandma's house for a while. When I was on the roof, I saw that there was only one chicken in the huge chicken cage. I asked my mother: "Why is this chicken cage so big and there is only one chicken in the cage?" Mom: "There was six chickens in this chicken cage, but later..." Me: "What happened later?" Mom: "Later we came here, we came here for five days."
31. My sister-in-law went back to her parents' house on the weekend and called a Didi. After getting on the bus, the driver opened it. Navigation, after walking for a while, navigation instrument said, "There is a plane 200 meters ahead!"
sister-in-law admired her very much: "What kind of navigation is so high-end, can the plane detect it?"
driver ignored his wife. In less than two seconds, the navigation said, "The high-speed train arrives!"
sister-in-law was startled: "Can the high-speed train also detect it?"
driver patted the navigation: "The weather is hot, this thing is a bit stuck, it's right for you to connect it."
sister-in-law said, "This is too weird."
32. My father-in-law bought 200 yuan Happy Beans for Huabei, and the mother-in-law was so angry that she ignored him for several days.
The father-in-law wanted to please her, so he went to buy a bag and put it on the table.
Then he hid in the bedroom, wanting to see the mother-in-law's surprise reaction.
After waiting for a long time, my mother-in-law finally came back. When she opened the door and saw the bag, she immediately became panicked. She took out her cell phone and called and said, "What are you doing? I have just quarreled with him now. I haven't divorced yet! Why are you so anxious?"
33. I am a female rider in Meituan . My husband stays at home all day to play online games.
I was exposed to wind and sun every day, and I found that I had neck lines .
I was not in the mood to eat dinner, so I went online to find out if there is any neck care cream.
Husband: "If you don't eat, go online to buy it. What are you planning to buy?"
I didn't want to pay attention to him, so I replied casually: "Buy it for smearing my neck."
Husband: "Daughter-in-law, don't need to buy it. We have kitchen knives, fruit knives and other knives!"
34. A guy in the dormitory treats me very well. He often buys me food and drinks, and once he buys me a set of clothes and takes me out to play. I was very suspicious of his motive at the time.
It took two years like this. After graduation, I realized that he didn’t know where he knew that I had a beautiful sister who was not married yet!
I really didn't expect that I treated him as my brother, but he wanted to treat me as his brother-in-law.
35. After my brother-in-law was promoted, she often went on business trips to other places.
On that day, my brother-in-law returned home and saw my sister's angry look. My brother-in-law said to her, "Go, I want to make your mother smile."
The nephew thought for a while, and ran over to the junior brother-in-law and said in a tone, "Wife, this coat is good, I bought it for you."
My brother-in-law was happy, okay, I will prescribe the right medicine, but my sister gave them a blank look, but she didn't respond.
Brother-in-law said, "Son, I'll help her." After hearing this, the nephew ran away and pulled out.
Brother-in-law is wondering what this is doing? I heard my nephew pinch his throat and say, "Dear, open the door!"
36. Not long ago, I picked up 100 yuan on the street. When my colleagues found out, they asked me to treat me. It cost me more than 1,000 yuan to have dinner in the evening.
Just as I went out of the company with a few colleagues, I saw 10 yuan on the ground.
Just as I was about to bend down to pick it up, Lao Zhao pulled me from the side, and I immediately reacted and walked directly from the side.
Intern Xiao Wang suddenly shouted behind me: Haha, you two are so bad at your eyes, you can’t even see the money!
Now we are very happy in the hotel. Only Xiao Wang, who has picked up money, has no joy when he picks up money.
37. In the middle of the night, my brother-in-law was hot all over and used an thermometer to measure the body temperature by 37.5. My brother-in-law thought he had read it wrong and was still 37.5!
Brother-in-law: "What should I do? I can't be... so scared that I pee!"
At this time, my brother-in-law was slapped on the body, and my sister said fiercely: "I'm so grown-up and I'm still covered in a quilt! I'm sweating all over my head, so I woke me up!"
Brother-in-law was stunned at the time: I was so hot?
38. My brother-in-law drove his Santana to work. He was scratched by an Maybach just after he left the door. Then a young girl got out of the car and threw 500 yuan on her face when she got up. He said arrogantly: "Just a broken Santana, I'll give you 500 yuan and get out!"
My brother-in-law can't admit defeat!
said directly: "My sister sees you are young, don't be ignorant. Go home and ask your adults how much is Santana's 2000 Supreme Collection Edition worth it!"
The girl saw that she was frightened by her brother-in-law, so she hurriedly went to call. After the call, she ran back and took 200 yuan from him.
39. My cousin likes to hike and climb to a temple. The traffic is almost used up and I found that there is wifi here!
My cousin asked the abbot next to him: Master, what is your WiFi password?
Abbot looked at his cousin and silently took out the merit box. His cousin was stunned for a moment and took out the money and put it in.
The abbot had a dark face and said: I realized it myself!
40. My cousin with an IQ of 180 is good at using it and is very popular when he was in school at the University of Finance and Economics.
After graduating from university, he went to work in a listed company.
Because my cousin is a good person, it is very popular with everyone.
There was an elder sister who kept arguing about introducing her girlfriend to her cousin. A few days ago, my elder sister accidentally dropped her salary slip on the table and saw her. Since then, my elder sister has never mentioned her girlfriend again.
41. Five years ago, I borrowed 8,000 yuan from my female colleague, but she resigned a week later. Since then, I have cut off contact with her. Today, my WeChat suddenly received a transfer of 80,000 yuan. I looked carefully and found that it was given by that colleague, and I didn't confirm it. Just when I was stunned, the other party called from the voice call and she said, "Brother, this is my money to pay back you!" I said, "You are afraid you remembered the number wrongly, it is 8,000." The female colleague said, "Brother, it was 8,000 before, but it's been a few years, and it's really wrong for me to part without saying goodbye, so the more is compensation." Then she said, "Brother, I'll treat you to a meal after get off work!" I couldn't refuse this 80,000. I haven't seen each other for five years, and the female colleague looks better than before. It seems that she is doing well now. She greeted me and sat down and said, "Brother, I apologize for you first!" She was also full of apology for what happened at the beginning. After she punished herself for three cups, she explained it to me. It turned out that she suddenly resigned not intentionally, but that the supervisor had been entangled with her in every possible way. She really had no choice but to leave. At that time, she wanted to stay away from the city, so she borrowed some money before leaving. In the past two years, she has done her own business and her income is quite good, with 50,000 or 60,000 a month. She has just returned to develop recently. So I paid back my money as soon as possible. I said I only need 8,000, and I don’t want more. She said I must collect it, otherwise she will feel uneasy. While eating, I asked her curiously, what business is she doing, and she makes money like this. She said, "Brother, I was about to tell you about this, but I thought you were very good to me, so I can't forget you when I get rich. I will take you to make money, and I will pay 40,000 in advance, and I will make money in the future." I said, "In this way, I don't have much money. I will invest 70,000 first, and then the situation will depend on the situation!" I collected the 80,000 she gave me, and transferred 70,000 to her. I guess I took too little, so she blocked me after dinner.
42. I concealed that I had a caesarean section and married my current husband.
On the wedding night, he saw the scar on my stomach and looked disgusted. He divorced me the next day and got along with my best friend.
I was heartbroken and was hit hard and never looked for a partner again.
When I was driving back to my hometown yesterday, I heard my mother sing: Let’s go! Let's go! People always have to learn to grow up by themselves, let’s go! Let's go! You go out and find a partner! Let's go! I'm thirty soon and haven't gotten married yet. "
I looked helpless and asked my dad for help, but my dad sang, "Listen to mom, don't let her get hurt! "These two people are really in love! I was just an accident!
43. From childhood to adulthood, my own driver drove to pick him up and dropped him off. Once the driver asked for leave. I called for the first time. I sat in the co-pilot. The driver said he would charge for the meter. I didn't understand very much. I had good luck that day, and there was no traffic jam. It was in fifteen minutes. When I saw the meter, I exclaimed: "89! Master, you are too crooked, right? I believe it or not, I will sue you! "The driver turned his head and looked at me and said, "This is a radio, not a meter." "
44. When we were freshman, we went to the training base for to participate in military training. Although we were very tired, we were still happy! We stood in the military posture for a day and fell asleep very early at night. Then in the middle of the night, a buddy suddenly spoke in a sleep and said that we would gather together. Hurry up, and then everyone quickly got up the window to get dressed. Five minutes later, they ran down to get together. He was the only one sleeping in the quilt. We all came back five minutes later, but we won't say it anymore. It was quite miserable.
45. The female supervisor didn't want a child, but she didn't expect that she would get pregnant unexpectedly when she went out for a social event with the boss some time ago. She didn't expect that she would have to give birth. This made me wonder, so I asked her why she wanted a child. The female supervisor: "I see that everyone around me has children. "I said, "So you are moved too?" "The female supervisor said Youyou: "I was mainly jealous of those few months of maternity leave. "
46. A young man took a taxi. After arriving at the place, the young man gave the driver fifty yuan as ten yuan... The driver immediately closed the door and accelerated the run... After passing two traffic posts, he saw a red light and stopped urgently! Looking at the right-view mirror, he found that the young man actually caught up with him... The young man pulled the door open! The driver hurriedly shouted, "I was wrong, I will pay you back the money..." The young man was angry and said one by one: "Are you stupid? Are you stupid? I clamped my fingers, but I know if I clamped my fingers! "
47. I was bored just now and barked at my dog. I called it and it cried twice. Then I called four times! The dog was obviously stunned, and then it cried three times! And I looked at me, and I obviously felt the light of contempt in the dog's eyes...
48. That day, my brother brought his girlfriend to my house to meet the adults at home. Seeing that my brother was obedient to his girlfriend, my wife found a reason to call her out. My wife: "Don't be too humble to my girlfriend. What should I do if I get married in the future? Don’t be afraid of your wife if you are a man. For example, your elder brother is the leader. I’m so scared when he glares at me!" As I was saying, I got off work, and in front of my future sister-in-law, my wife was extremely gentle, and took slippers for me and asked about my well-being. I walked into the house and my legs were weak and I knelt down: "My wife, you are so abnormal today, and I have no trouble at all!"
49. There is a nun in the nunnery who looks very ugly. A abbot takes his little disciple to the nunnery. The ugly nun teases the little monk and said, "Call me, aunt, are you beautiful? "The little monk stared at me and didn't say anything. The nun said to the little monk again, "Auntie has a lot of delicious food. Is the aunt beautiful?" "The little monk couldn't help it and said, "Auntie, can we change the topic? "
50. An old man in the village who loves to buy lottery tickets won 5 million yuan. He did not move to the city to live, but built a 6-story villa and bought two purebred Tibetan mastiff . These two dogs were particularly fierce. Countless people have been bitten, and they all went to get rabies vaccine. That time I passed by his doorstep and was bitten by one of the Tibetan mastiffs. I was angry at that time and immediately bite them with it. Suddenly, a word came from in my ears: "This child is already sick, and he can't help but send it to the hospital..."
51. In the antique shop, a customer asked: "What era is this revolver from? "Shop owner: "It was from the ancient Roman Empire."Customer: "I have never heard of ancient Romans using revolvers! "The owner: "I haven't even heard of it. Isn't it even a rare treasure? "
52. Dating Meizi. After dinner at her house, she said, "Don't leave?" I said yes. When I was halfway through, Meizi said, "Is it my good or Sister Ling?" "As soon as I heard that, I stopped doing it, I immediately put on my clothes and left. Meizi said, "What's wrong? "Me: "I forgot, I have a wife! ”
53. When I first met my friend, I asked her about her occupation. She said she raised pigs in the farm. I asked casually: “How long have you been a pig? "Suddenly, I felt something was wrong and immediately changed my words: "How long have you been fucking pigs?" "As a result, I was scolded!
54. A few years ago, my cousin and I went to the neighboring village for wedding banquet. Before we went there, my cousin told me: There are two duck legs on a roast duck on a table. Most people are embarrassed to pick them up for themselves. When the meal starts soon, you pick them up one, and I pick them up one. In this way, we ate the duck legs as soon as we started.
55. I remember that it seemed that it was almost the New Year last year, and I went home on holiday. One morning, I went to have breakfast at around five o'clock. I saw an old man in the sanitation field sweeping the road in full spirit in the cold wind. I felt pity and bought a cup of soy milk for the old man and a tray of small buns for the old man and finally accepted it: "Child! The old man is rich, and his family lost millions of dollars last year to demolish his family. He came out to sweep the floor purely to exercise. You are a good child, it is not easy for you young people to make money! "After hearing what the old man said, I felt so desolate that the cold wind blew me.
56. I remember when I was a child, I went to someone for a wedding banquet with my brother. My brother said to me: "The roast duck on a table has two duck legs. Most people are embarrassed to pick it up for themselves. When the meal starts soon, you pick it up and I pick it up for you. "In this way, as soon as the meal started, I hurriedly greeted my brother: "Come on, I'll pick up a duck leg for you! "My brother also greeted me: "I have another duck leg for you to eat! "Others were stunned when they saw it...
57. If the deskmate died, you do whatever you want? Classmate A: Go up and kicked it, and after confirming his death, he cursed "I'll take the exam." B: After confirming that he was dead, he took all the study materials and notes, and completed his will to study hard for him. C: Take care of his girlfriend for him until he became his girlfriend. D: Cry loudly, "You are gone, what should I do when I take the exam in the future, wuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwu "E: Sell all his belongings, see if he can change to iphone6. F: Kick down the chair, then raise the chair and shout "Damn it, another one dies, brothers, fight with the teacher. "
58. Today I took my son back to my parents' house for two days. When I was packing up the room I wanted to live in, I found an envelope in the crack at the bottom of the bed, which contained more than 200 yuan scattered inside! I immediately took it to my mother and said, "Look! I found my dad’s private money. "My mother calmly took the envelope and put it back into the crack under the bed and said, "Your father has saved up this little money for twenty years. Every time I clean up the house, I open it and take a look. I really can't bear to start! "
59. Today, she was in the passenger seat and listened to the radio along the way. Suddenly, the radio said: "Please drive carefully. On the left is yourself, and on the right is your favorite person. "I immediately turned my head, and my eyes burned" her with a burning look. She also turned her head to look at me, put her seat back, and climbed to the back seat!
60. Today, I drove the lover I had just chased for fun and drove to a zebra crossing. At this time, there were a few cars and they all rushed over. A woman took a child to cross the road. I slowly stopped and asked the woman and the child to cross the road first. The woman looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. She suddenly felt very warm. She also walked towards me with her thumbs up. I said, "Wife, you misunderstood. This is my distant cousin. ”
61. Today I went to the supermarket to buy cucumbers and went out with a 12 yuan receipt. I was stopped and asked if I would draw a lottery! I drew a moment and won a car sticker.So I immediately called my girlfriend and showed off: "Dear, guess what award I won today?" As a result, my girlfriend said to me: "Dear, I just wanted to call you and tell you something. I accidentally rubbed it while driving. The paint was inflated. You take the time to help me watch a car post online!"
62. My uncle was drunk and left a piece of it. He transferred it to me for 79,000 yuan. My aunt sent me a voice: "Nephew! Your uncle and I are both unemployed, and only this amount of deposit is left. He is still transferring it everywhere. You can transfer it back to my account immediately and leave a 50 yuan. 0 Buy fruit for you, your uncle and I rely on this little pension money! "
63. Son: "Mom, get some money for me, my girlfriend is pregnant." Mom: "Okay! Wait for me tomorrow." The next day, my son: "Mom, why haven't the money been paid yet?" Mom: "Son, the wedding house, wedding car, and the full payment! Spot! Hurry up and bring it back to get married! It's good if you have someone to do this! Get back and get married quickly!"
64. It's about to be on vacation, Xiaoma plans to go home to visit the two elders. It came to a river, but he did not cross the river without knowing the depth of the river. At this time, a little squirrel came over, and the pony asked if the water in the river was deep? The little squirrel said, "The river is so deep. If you can get over your head, don't cross the river!" Xiao Ma was a little anxious, so he asked the old ox next to him again. The old yellow cow said, "I don't know whether the water is deep or not, but do you want to have a ticket?"
65. My father took back three barrels of oil from the supermarket, 75 a barrel. I was surprised: "Why buy so much?" My dad said: "I have to buy one bucket a month. I won't buy a little more when I catch up with the promotion!" I immediately said: "I only have one bucket a month. It's not good to eat too much oil, especially the elderly, who are prone to three highs and obesity. We can't finish a bucket in three or four months!" My dad snorted in anger and said: "Come on! You've only cooked a few meals at home! If your grandparents are still alive, your mom and I have a place to eat like you, we probably won't be able to use a bucket of oil in half a year!"
66. When I was in college, the rich second generation knew a roommate who was very good at bargaining.
Once, the rich second generation went to buy a computer with their roommate. They stumbled with the sales lady for more than an hour and insisted on giving a radiator.
The sales lady was also stubborn and couldn't give her anything. In the end, the male colleague next to her ran over and said, "Give it to him!"
also gave him a business card and said, "If you have nothing to do during the holiday, you can come and work."
67. My mother planned to take out the posture of her mother-in-law, and was in a variety of difficulties.
The future brother-in-law was sweating coldly, so my sister had to give my father a look of help.
The father immediately pulled his mother away when receiving the signal and said secretly: It's almost enough. Finally, I met someone who liked our daughter and continued to make things difficult for him. Then others don't want our daughter. What do I think you will do?
My mother suddenly realized and agreed directly.
68. Work started after the New Year, and my sister-in-law asked her brother to help her clean up the cosmetics in the shopping cart. As a result, my brother deleted the shopping cart and bought a lot of masks. Finally, I also said: Wearing a mask every day is both safe and saves cosmetics. Then, my brother complained to me: Why is your sister-in-law not wearing makeup at home, and she has to dress up beautifully when she goes to work. Who do she wants to show her beauty?
69. The 8-year-old son saved a lot of New Year's money and became rich and generous. He: "Dad, I want to wash my feet and get water for me." I: "Do your own business!" He: "One hundred yuan!" I: "Don't tell your mom~" He: "Dad, help me get a pair of socks, fifty yuan!"... In a few days, I made 4,000 yuan! Seeing that my son was about to start school, my wife said, "Give all the New Year's money, and mom will save it for you." My son: "I've given it to my dad." I'm fucking...
70. The grapes are ripe for the season, but my grapes are still green. It's not other reasons, because they have applied too much fertilization and too much nutrient. Although the taste is pretty good, no one comes to collect it. what to do? My parents had to ride their bicycles to the market to hawk. In order to sell more, they acted separately. One is on the south side of the road and the other is on the north side of the road, but in short, it is only 5 or 6 meters apart. They agreed that grapes cost 80 cents per pound. A buyer came over and asked, "Comrade, how do you sell grapes?" "80 cents per pound" said Dad."It's cheaper, how about 2 pounds per dollar?" They bargained. "One dollar costs 2 kilograms? Then go to the person opposite to buy it! I won't sell it!" said dad. Before the man could come back to his senses, he heard his mother shouting, "Why should I let me sell if you don't sell it? I won't sell it either!"
71. "If I hold the bricks, I can't hold you, and if I put the bricks down, I can't support you. Can you understand me?" "Sorry, I won't leave the future to a brick mover." "Dudududu." He put down the hanging-up phone, shook his head helplessly, and then put the gold bricks on his hand into the safe.
72, "I bought a ring, would you guess it's expensive?" The boy took out a diamond ring and used this routine. "Expensive!" the girl replied. "Is this what you said?" The boy knelt on one knee. "Husband, do you guess this clothes are expensive?" "Expensive" "Then don't you kneel?" My husband knelt down. "Husband! Do you guess this bag of vegetables is expensive?" "Not expensive" "You guess again" tells us that we are less fancy.
73. "Our child likes to suck his fingers, but he can't change it. There is no way. I'm so cruel that I bought some chili oil to apply it on my fingers." "Did you change it later?" "Hi! Don't mention it! This child is not Sichuan cuisine now!"
74. The farmer bought a box of rat medicine. After taking it, the mouse walked away swaying. The farmer was very angry and asked the merchant to argue: "Your rat medicine is useless at all!" The merchant said: "This medicine needs to be taken with warm water to be used." The next day, the farmer found the merchant again: "I listen to you. I caught the mouse and took with warm water, but it is useless!" The merchant asked: "How many times have you fed it?" The farmer replied: "Once." The merchant said: "Look at the instruction manual, 6 boxes of a treatment course."
75, "I want to complain to your dog!" The pet store manager: "Don't be anxious, say it slowly." "There is someone in this dog." I don't know when I came, but I was stolen 500 yuan. "Oh, this dog used to be a noble lady's dog." "So what's wrong?" "Maybe it might think 500 yuan, nothing." "I was speechless..."
76. "Hello sir, if you have one million, would you donate it?" "I will." "How much would you donate?" "Donate, donate all." "What if you have ten million?" "Donate" "100 million?" "How many I donate as much as I have." "You are so great, then if you have one million." Where is a car? "This is not OK" "Why? You can donate all 100 million yuan, why can't the car be? " "Because, I really have a car."
77. "Sir, don't leave and delay you for two minutes. I am a salesman of XX Financial Management Company. If you invest in our company, the interest rate is as high as 15%. You can make sure you make a profit! " "Since the profit is so high, why don't you invest!" "You don't know if our salesmen are poor! No money!" "No money, come on! Let's take a seat Let’s talk slowly. I’m a small loan, the interest rate is only 8%, and you still have 7% to earn! Hey hey, don’t leave! "
78. "The pig shed tears of regret at the moment when he saw the butcher knife. It knew that it shouldn’t be so fat and lazy. It regretted it very much, and it regretted it all green! " "So boss, you don’t plan to change this plate of fat and fat intestines, right?"
79. I was playing a game, and my mother called me to go downstairs to pick her up. . I ran downstairs and saw my mother buying two big bags of peaches. I tried hard to mention it upstairs and asked my mother: "Are you wanting to hold a peach party?" My father walked out of the house and said, "Your mom wants to raise a monkey!" "Who is a monkey?" The niece watching TV next to me said, "You are a monkey!!" I: "Damn girl, why am I a monkey?" "You wiping your face every day is like a monkey butt, who is a monkey?"
80. My father-in-law was very lucky. He won the prize for buying a lottery ticket, and the prize was 1 million yuan. Yesterday, I happily went to the Welfare Lottery Center to receive the prize. The person in charge of the Welfare Lottery Center asked, "Do you donate?" The 1 million prize is not too much. My father-in-law doesn't want to donate at all, but he can see that his mother-in-law is hesitating, as if she wants to donate some money.The father-in-law quickly pulled her mother-in-law's clothes, called her mother-in-law's nickname, and reminded her: "Juan'er, Juan'er..." The head of the Welfare Lottery Center asked with a smile: "How much do you donate?" The mother-in-law glared at her fiercely!
81, 10 years old, play games. Mom never changed after repeated teachings. "I heard you play this every day?" My father pointed at the computer. "Yes." Lower your head! "What do you feel after every play?" "Discovery, empty, and boring!" "Then why do you still play? Can't control yourself?" "Hmm" I'm very helpless. "Okay! Dad helps you!" Dad brought the computer and gave me a small hammer, "Smash it!" "Dad!" "Smash it, Dad can have no computer, but he can't have a son!" I burst into tears and smashed the computer with my own hands! From then on, I understood what principles are.
82, 250 jin of fat colleagues just entered the office, and I smelled a pancake smell. Me: "What do you eat in the morning?" The fat colleague smiled and said, "Just one pancake." Me: "If you insist on eating only one, you will definitely lose weight." The female clerk said to me: "Manager, his pancake was filled with five eggs and three grilled sausages, and even the scallions were doubled. My pancake was folded into a thin blanket, and his pancake was folded into a thick duvet."
83. The 5-year-old daughter has always had beautiful longing for white gauze dresses. One day, she took her to a friend's wedding. Not only did she surround the bride, but she finally said to the bride: "Auntie, your bride dress is so beautiful. I will come back to see you next time you get married!"
84. After more than ten hours of flight, I finally arrived as I wish, Los Angeles, USA, ah! In the United States, when I smelled the air they said, it was indeed extremely sweet and had no haze at all. So I took off the thick mask I wore in China and put on a thick bulletproof vest!
85. When we got married, the emcee added a program temporarily! Just close the bedroom door! Let me guess which bedroom is my wife. The requirement is no matter which room I enter! Even if the one inside is not my wife! I want to kiss her, too. I was quite happy after listening to it! He whispered to the emcee, "Is this a great time to play?" As a result, the emcee smiled, "Don't be too happy too early! I would like to remind you! Be sure to make careful choices! Because except for your wife! The remaining two bedrooms are men! They both said it doesn't matter! It depends on whether you can get down."
86. Today I saw a beautiful beauty in the restaurant. I walked to her with a glass of red wine, elegantly He handed over the wine glass: "Hello, girl." She looked dull and then smiled slightly: "Yeah! Hello." This was obviously a good start. She did not reject me, but I sat down naturally and asked, "What do girls want to eat? Our special dishes include pork stewed vermicelli, dinosaur, and Mao Xuewang..."
87. A bank specially hired married women as employees, but some were pregnant and reluctant to quit. Therefore, the bank stipulates that if a female employee faces the wall, she should resign. A pregnant wife thought the provision was only used for female employees, which was too unfair and removed the complaint from the Labor Bureau. The Labor Bureau decides that this provision should be applied the same as male and female employees. As a result, the bank lacked this wife and three managers.
88. There are barriers to this matter of friends, and it is impossible for a person to become friends with everyone. As a friend, you will inevitably have to communicate some personal matters. Even if a friend is not strict with his words, it will have an impact on your circle of friends. If a colleague is not polite, he may lose his job. As friends, it is inevitable to complain about some work matters. If a colleague is not strict with his words, he may lose his job, and it will affect his professional image in the workplace. As friends, it is inevitable that there will be times when they are bothering each other. Generally, friends do not have a sense of boundaries. If you take advantage of you, you will suffer a small loss at most. If your colleagues ask you to help against your professional principles, do you not help?
89. The young man met the Zen master: "My girlfriend always breaks up with me, I hope the master will give me advice." The Zen master smiled but didn't say anything, grabbed a chicken and wrapped a thread on the chicken legs. As soon as he pulled the thread, the chicken fell immediately. The chicken struggled to continue walking. The Zen master pulled it again, and the chicken fell again. This repeated eight times.The young man felt enlightened: "Master, are you asking me to play hard to get and fish for a long line?" The Zen master smiled: "Young man, I'm asking you to pull j8!"
90. 1. Drinking a bag of milk before going to bed will cost a few more dollars than if you don't drink milk. 2 Some people will retching when brushing their teeth in the morning, so they can avoid it by trying not to look at themselves in the mirror. 3 When stewing the fish, put some vinegar in it, so that the stewed fish will have a sour taste. It is difficult to remove 4 chewing gum sticking to clothes. At this time, just throw the clothes into the refrigerator's refrigerator and your mother will get you done. 5 If you are accidentally scalded and there is no scalding ointment, you can find toothpaste and you can forget the pain after brushing your teeth for three hours. 6When getting up in the morning and drinking a glass of boiled water is not a reason to be late.
91. I followed my girlfriend home for the first time and was very nervous. My girlfriend put down the dumbbells in her hand and asked me, "Brother, can I see if I practice well?" I immediately praised, "Great brother, my muscles are very developed." Then her brother held his wrist and put a bodybuilding position and said to her girlfriend, "Come on, sister, hit me!" My girlfriend didn't say anything and punched her brother in the eyes. I was stunned for a moment. Is it still too late to break up now?
92. My girlfriend and I introduced my buddy and her best friend together, and later they quarreled and broke up. My girlfriend stood up for her best friend, so I tried my best to defend my buddy. Well, you guessed it right, now we have broken up.
93. She was a deskmate with the class beauty in elementary school. She always likes to enjoy bullying me. Whenever I fight back, she cries, and the head teacher will beat me up without saying a word. It's so unfair. More than 20 years later, the former class beauty became my wife. I asked her, "Why would you marry me?" She smiled and said, "I knew when I was in elementary school that your mother must be a good mother-in-law!"
94. The boss arranged for me to meet an important customer with a new female colleague. After meeting, I said I took the female colleague to a very famous old restaurant to eat rice noodles. At this time, the boss called and said that there was something urgent and asked us to go back to the company immediately. After hanging up the phone, I passed on the boss's words to my female colleague, and then I asked her, "You understand what I said, right?" The female colleague: "Well, I understand. That's to invite me to eat rice noodles, right!" Me: "..."
95. Wang Baoqiang shouldn't know that Ma Rong's online name has actually told the world who she likes. "Golden-Eared Rabbit", let me translate: rabbit, homophonic with TwoJi, that is, two auspicious, "Zhe". Duo, similar to "Song". Jiner, is like "Jinai" Translation: "Jinai" (I love Song Zhe in this life) Are you convinced?
96. My cousin went on a blind date with a flight attendant and ordered a few dishes, including a plate of braised pork. When my stingy cousin saw the price: "38 yuan! "I immediately cried out. The flight attendant was frightened and hurriedly comforted her cousin: "If you don't like eating, let's change one, so you won't cry! "My cousin said, "No, when I first went on a blind date, braised pork was only 12 yuan, and it's 38 yuan, and I'm still on a blind date! "(Comment: Even if you have a piece of shit, you will encounter a dung beetle, so there is no need to be frustrated that you are a piece of shit.
97. My cousin's rich husband bought her a Hermes bag as a birthday gift! Today, my cousin saw the stinky tofu and found that she didn't bring her cell phone after eating it! When she was in a hurry and embarrassed, my sister said to the boss: "I will put the bag in your mortgage, and I will go home to get the money for you. My bag is worth more than 100,000 yuan!" 5 minutes later, my cousin came back, but found that the boss was gone and the bag was gone!
98. When I went home for the first time when I got home from work, I was stopped by my neighbor: "It seems that I came back by plane. I should pay the fare I borrowed when I left, right?" I said hurriedly: Don't worry, brother, smoke a cigarette first. I lit the cigarette and took a long sip. I looked at the sky at 45 degrees and slowly spit out a smoke ring and said quietly, "Brother, I disappointed you. I came back from the train."
99. My wife asked me to go downstairs to buy soy sauce, light soy sauce, and fuel consumption. I picked up a bag of Furong King in the creaking nest. When I got home, I found that Furong King forgot to pay. So I hurriedly drove a Porsche back to the supermarket to make up the order. I said to the cashier, "I'm sorry, I just got a bag of Furong King in the supermarket, and forgot to pay the order. Now I come back to pay."The cashier glanced at me and didn't say anything! At this time, the girl next to her pushed her and said, "What is this person doing?" "The cashier glared at me and said, "I don't need to pay attention, I just met him. "I looked at the cashier's fat figure and was speechless...
100. My neighbor's sister looks sweet, 165cm tall, and works as a doctor. Her salary is relatively high in the local area, but she has never had a boyfriend, and her family is anxious, so I said, "Then you just contact the people around you and talk about it! My sister said that the conditions for the talk like that are not good, so it’s better to go on a blind date! Just open your mouth if you want a RV, but I feel embarrassed to talk to you... It turns out that this is the true meaning of blind dates!
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