Young couples or couples must have had such troubles: they were originally happily discussing movies/food/variety shows, or just a small matter, but they started to argue with each other!
Both people screamed, feeling that the other was unreasonable, and finally broke up.
It is a little question like "Why do couples always quarrel over trivial matters?" This little question has 4,079,696 views, which also confirms everyone's concern about this trivial matter.
So today we also talk about "Why do you get angry when you talk to TA".
01
Here we first introduce a very important word "feeling", which means "experiencing the influence of contact with external things"
"" You may know the meaning , But many times you may not be aware of how you feel.
Take our example above, you watched a movie with your boyfriend, and you liked it, and said, "This movie is great, it's a masterpiece!"
The boyfriend was disdainful, "It's so good. I haven't said anything for a long time."
At this time, you must feel that this person is so boring and has a poor understanding of movies.
But in fact, you are not really talking about movies at this time. What you really want to express is your feelings at that time.
You say that this movie is a "masterpiece" because you are evoked by this movie with some strong inner experiences.
But we are not used to express our minds directly,So secretly changed it to "this movie is good". The good thing is that this movie has nothing to do with me.
The boyfriend wanted to express the same thing, he wanted to say "He activates some feelings different from you", but he also secretly wrapped the statement and turned into "This movie is nothing."
's original sharing based on feelings seems to have become a pure discussion of the movie. We stared at it, not scoring right or wrong, but there will be a conclusion.
We have different feelings about the same thing, this is very common.
The great controversy of the century about sweet and salty rice dumplings, sweet and salty tofu brains, and sweet and salty glutinous rice balls are all a joy to discuss. But such a different feeling, we can easily accept it.
But many different feelings are invisible, especially in intimate relationships, which we often ignore.
For example: your boyfriend called you, but you didn't hear it.
When you discovered that there were several missed calls, you dialed back quickly, but he was angrily "What did you do? Why didn't you answer the phone? It's too unreliable!"
You started explaining that the phone was adjusted Mute did not hear.
But the other party doesn't want to hear your explanation: Why don't you turn the mute back? ——You are also very wronged, right? I thought "It's not my fault."
Do you think you are talking about right or wrong at this time?
Actually not, you are still communicating your feelings.
Is the other party criticizing your behavior? It seems that he is expressing your fault. But in fact, what he wanted to express was that the situation at the time evoked some of his feelings.
What he wanted to express, but he didn't express it: how at ease he felt when you could reply to him at any time before, and how scared and crazy he felt when he lost contact just now.
Of course you don’t feel that way. You stay at home with ease and don’t know anything. But if you could hear his latent expressions, you would say: "Oh, were you in a hurry?". You can soothe his emotions, and you don't need to worry about the phone.
We live in the same objective world, but each person's subjective perception and understanding, as well as internal reactions, are extremely different.
In an intimate relationship, the only thing we can do is to communicate, try to make the other person understand what I am feeling now, and try to stand in the other person's perspective and experience everything he is feeling.
This kind of mutual integration effort constitutes our intimacy.
02
get to this knowledge point, what should we do in daily life?
Teacher Xiaoxian has three suggestions for everyone:
1. recommends that the person who speaks, express his feelings more directly.
often use the sentence " what kind of feeling do I have", instead of packaging it as "what about this person, what about this sentence".
We often put our feelings on an objective thing or thing, which seems to be safer, but in fact it is more likely to cause conflict.
I shared with you before that people have a very persistent pursuit of consistency. One of the reasons is that we will mistake the diversity of feelings for the essential differences of things.It will cause our anxiety, and if expressed by feelings, (we do have different feelings for the same things at the same time, and they can coexist) much safer.
2. It is recommended that obedient people learn to understand each other’s expressions.
Sometimes the other party's expression, you have to remove a layer of packaging.
The wife may say "You are very hurtful." As a husband, can you hear her actually saying "I am very hurt now" at this moment. Her expression is not accurate, and you need to listen carefully.
Sometimes, the other party may express feelings through behavior. For example, if my husband stays up late at night and plays on his mobile phone, he may not say it, but he is expressing his anxiety.
If we can see the feelings behind the behavior and help him express his feelings directly, maybe he doesn't need to express it through behavior.
3. recommends everyone, don’t rush to help the other person to eliminate their feelings.
here mainly refers to negative feelings. We are often intolerant and unable to bear negative feelings, especially the negative feelings of others. At this time, it is easy to use some negative methods and fail to fully approve them.
Let me give you an example. My wife cannot get up in the morning and says "I am too sleepy and don't want to go to work". What do you say as a husband?
The approximate answer may be in the following directions:
Someone calculates the financial account for her, so she can’t work without going to work. The family needs the money.
Some people are reasonable and say that I am tired, but we cannot be defeated by it.
Someone wants to solve the problem. If you are sleepy, you should go to bed earlier.
Some people just said not to go to work.I raise you.
But so many directions may not be the best response.
What she may most want to hear is: "Yes, I am tired."
What is the use of this sentence? It's useless. We can't help her to eliminate this feeling when we say this sentence, but we can experience her inner world a little bit. This is the meaning of intimacy.
If the opponent is unhappy, the opponent can only resolve it.
We don't have that much power to help each other resolve it. If we can stay with him for a while, talk a few words, and experience his difficulty, it will be great.
If you are too eager to prove that you have power and want to help the other party to get rid of bad emotions, you will be judged if you feel it, but there will be no people staying together for a while.
I am the warmest @心理咨询师黄小仙. If you think what I said is helpful, please give me a thumbs up. Your approval will let more people see. Please also follow me and grow together!
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