When newlyweds are passionately in love, everyone thinks that the love between the two will last forever and never change, but such a wish often cannot withstand the test of time.
After getting married, a series of troubles such as tea, rice, oil, and salt come up, and the love between lovers will always be consumed by the fireworks of the world.
To use a now fashionable term to describe it, it seems that once a man and a woman have been married for a long time, "marital friction" is destined to erode each other's goodwill.
Many people also lamented that marriage is the tomb of love, and there is no way to escape the seven-year itch and changes of heart over time.
Is this really the case?
I can definitely answer you, no.
The so-called "internal friction" can be reduced or even eliminated.
The only shortcut to reducing internal friction in marriage is: both of you must break free from the constraints of your intimate relationship and be yourself.
When you get along with each other easily with your true face, and your wishes are consistent with your actual life, there will naturally be no internal friction caused by friction.
What is "internal friction" in relationships?
You can also feel that it is actually the exhaustion and boredom that arises in the heart when two people get along in an intimate relationship.
I don’t know when, the endless conversation between husband and wife turned into boring "will you go home for dinner tonight" and "no". When you hear the answer, you are not disappointed but relieved;
I have read it before Not enough. People who plan how to date every day. Now you don’t even bother to take a look at the other person’s changes and are not interested at all. Looking forward to it;
The anniversaries and festivals that once made you miss each other have become troublesome things that neither of you are interested in dealing with;
...
If when you were passionately in love, your love was like a wide river, then now It must have dried up, revealing the cracked soil on the river bed and the tangled debris beneath the water.
Why can’t romantic love last forever? Why is there such “internal friction” in marriage?
Because you set unnecessarily high standards for yourself and your significant other, you create unnecessary disappointment.
After entering a stable long-term relationship, many people unconsciously begin to let themselves enter a certain role prescribed by social culture, and expect their significant other to play the corresponding role as they want.
When something goes wrong, they become extremely disappointed and fall into a vicious cycle of attacking themselves or blaming the other person, and then despairing again.
In a suffocating marriage, a man tries to act as a "family support machine" . He feels that what the family needs most is the money he earns. As long as he can support the family financially, it seems that anyone can take his place. location.
He worked hard to meet the expectations of his family, was anxious about the possibility of being "unemployed after the age of 35", was burdened with a heavy mortgage and car loan, and worried about all the huge expenses after the birth of his child...
The pressure of life is like The huge boulder pressing on the man's head left him with no energy to think about other things. Life seemed like a dull knife, slowly wearing away the dreams and joy he once had.
And the wife cannot be happy in such a marriage.
She always reminds herself to play the role of a "good wife and mother": to take care of the home so that her husband can work without worries; to worry about every move of the children so that the children can grow up healthily and happily; to have a good relationship with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, not Family conflicts... In addition to all this, she may also have to focus on work and try not to cause trouble to her colleagues.
She doesn't have her own space to take a breath, but despite all her efforts, she often cannot satisfy the people around her.
Maybe it's a small friction between the parents-in-law, maybe it's the inconsideration of the children and husband, maybe it's the disappointment from her colleagues... these may be the last straw that breaks her back.
They all automatically fit themselves into a certain fixed image, just like running a marathon in a pair of ill-fitting shoes, or like a carriage being forced onto square wheels... In the end, your feet will wear out. It would be bloody, and the carriage would definitely overturn in the ditch.
In such a relationship, how can feelings not be consumed?
If you spend a lot of energy just balancing your inner self-conflict, then you are even less likely to have the energy to pay attention to the state of your significant other. , and it is this mutual neglect of the relationship that makes you more tired and unable to gain energy from it. support, forming a vicious circle.
When people are exhausted from the hardships of life, there may still be a hint of resentment in their hearts: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to do this...
Even if the other party doesn't actually force them to do this, It's them who think they have to do it.
In this way, the relationship between husband and wife is completely exhausted under the mismatch between expectations and reality, but it is forced to operate, leaving only a piece of chicken feathers.
When the rift between the two cannot be repaired, the couple will sigh together. Sure enough, marriage is the tomb of love.
Can marriage really only bring internal friction to relationships?
is not.
Think about it, even if there is no marriage, won't there be internal friction in a long-distance love relationship? Many lovers who have been in love for many years eventually get tired of each other and fail to get married together; there are also many lovers who remain in love and care for each other until they grow old together.
Internal friction is not caused by marriage, but breeds and spreads from unhealthy relationships.
The difference is whether this intimate relationship nourishes you or binds you.
A relationship that can nourish you can make you feel that your soul is free . You can freely explore the possibilities of life. You are not afraid of changes in yourself because you know that there is someone who will hold your hand tightly. , face all the good or bad news with you, because he loves you deeply, and you also love him sincerely.
The pressure in life and career that is pressing on you will not be less. You will also be bored and sad, but you know that home will be your safe haven. People who love you will not criticize your mistakes, but will only find ways to relieve you. burden.
You will also have contradictions and conflicts before, but you also know that this will not bring you to the point of breaking up. , you will solve the things that can be compromised, and you will also understand the parts of the other party that cannot be compromised, and you are willing to think about each other and lead the way. Let’s move forward together despite our differences.
It is precisely because of such an intimate relationship that you have the backing up, so you dare to try more possibilities, and therefore have more opportunities for success.
Yes, you need to invest energy in running a marriage, but in a relationship that can nourish you, you will not feel that it is an unwilling "consumption", but a purely spontaneous desire to do it and feel that the relationship is for each other. The enjoyment and energy it brings.
I believe that many people yearn for such a marriage, but they are trapped in their own inherent thinking and feel unable to change the situation at hand.
If you want to reduce the internal friction between yourself and your partner in your marriage, you can make efforts in these directions:
1. Keep paying attention to your partner
After living together for many years, many couples take each other for granted. Tendency: In their eyes, their significant other no longer seems to be a living person, but furniture like tables, chairs and benches - As long as the furniture functions normally, there is no need to pay much attention to it.
Ask yourself, do you know exactly what hobbies your partner has recently?
Which novel, TV series or game does Ta love to read?
Ta's emotional state? Feeling stressed? What, if any, are the sources of stress?
Ta What plans do you have for yourself recently? Is your home included in this plan?
...
I know that many people cannot answer these questions. They only have a vague and rough impression of their partner that has not been updated for a long time. He may know that his wife likes to watch Tik Tok , but he does not know which drama she is obsessed with; she may know that her husband always spends weekends with He went out with his friends, but he didn't care what he was doing, and he couldn't call those friends by their names.
If you don't understand someone, you can't love them deeply.
Understanding and love promote each other . Everyone likes to be understood by their significant other, because it means that the other half values you and is willing to remember information related to you. And this understanding can also help you handle conflicts more smoothly and avoid stepping on minefields when getting along.
On the other hand, paying attention to your significant other can also allow you to sense changes in time.
At different stages of life, people will of course undergo various changes to adapt to different situations. At this time, previous strategies for getting along also need to be adjusted accordingly.
Whether it is a change in work or the pressure of having children, etc., new elements will always bring new challenges.
But there is no need to be afraid of changes. As long as you handle them properly, these changes will also inject new vitality into your relationship.
2. Treat each other truthfully
Remember, you cannot completely control everything in the family according to your own ideas. Don't just expect the other person to automatically become what you want.
Many people attribute the troubles in their marriages to "he doesn't listen to my advice" and ignore the other person's thoughts: Why is the other half unwilling to act on your advice? Is it because he has encountered any difficulties or has other emotions and feelings?
Don't get too hung up on the idea of "he doesn't listen to me." The more you use your own standards to measure what the other person does, the further you push the other person away.
Many small things in life are not inherently good or bad, only the differences in habits and practices.
The first step to reduce your own burden is to accept your partner: he has his own ideas and his own hobbies that have been formed for a long time. This doesn't mean anything, it's just a fact.
You have to accept the facts and then consider how to exert influence to make the other party change voluntarily and proactively.
3. Create a relaxing atmosphere
Some time ago, the keyword "relaxed family relationship" triggered a heated discussion on Weibo. The blogger accidentally witnessed a small incident : A family traveling found that their child's certificate had expired, but no one quarreled or blamed each other. Instead, they handled the emergency in an orderly manner. The mother accompanied the child back home, and the others were unable to check in their luggage together because of the accident. Blame the family and instead have a light-hearted discussion about what to re-buy when you get to your destination.
Many people in the comments lamented that it was completely unimaginable. If their own families had already begun to shirk responsibility from each other, they would find someone to "take the blame".
One of the characteristics of many Chinese-style families I have seen is "low fault tolerance."
Whenever something unexpected happens, no matter how big or small, someone will always be scolded. Even if he accidentally breaks a cup, he will be told "You are just careless."
I am still living in such fear at home, how can I not be tired?
Especially in modern society, which is already high-pressure and fast-paced, people are already tense enough at work. If they cannot relax when they return home, there is some room for mistakes, and they will naturally feel exhausted.
You and your partner should be "recharging" your batteries at home. If the two of you are still nervous, "internal friction" will naturally occur.
You can try to adjust the family atmosphere to be more relaxed and comfortable:
The layout at home does not need to be obsessive-compulsive to keep it absolutely tidy. Decide on the layout and standards according to your family's habits;
If someone does something wrong, don't be busy. If you are accusing or anxious about this, relax and think about how you can solve it. Emotional stability is better than The loss at the time is much more important;
If you don't like something the other person does, explain your feelings based on the matter, without rising to the accusation of personality;
...
You will find that if your family can relax, They will also treat you more considerately, and eventually both of your spirits will relax and be released from tension.
Hermann Hesse once said, "Everyone has only one real duty: to find himself and to be firmly himself."
The more your life is consistent with your nature, the more freely you can develop your own. Nature, rather than feeling tormented and exhausted.
Life is like this, and so is love.
When you are firmly yourself, you will be able to attract the people who love you best and keep each other's hearts forever.
I am Chen Man, a rationalist who is neither sensational nor pretentious. I will analyze the most useful truths in marriage for you.
Remember to follow us! If you want to talk, please [private message] me, we will listen to your story and solve your troubles.
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