Author: Li Qingyin (Columnist of Fushu)
"Madame Bao Farley" is a famous work by the writer Flaubert.
The author Flaubert tells the story of a farmer's daughter Emma who yearns for the aristocratic life of the upper class in Paris. After experiencing disappointment in marriage and despair of love, she committed suicide under the pressure of usury.
When I was young, I saw a tragedy of a woman chasing love for her whole life.
After becoming a parent, I read "Madame Bovary" and found that these three ways of parenting are the root of the tragedy.
Control parents raise children without self
Charlie's mother is a control parent.
She hopes to arrange Charlie according to her own ideas, from study to marriage.
In terms of academic studies, she first asked Charlie to study with the local church leader; then despite Charlie's weak foundation, she forced him to go to Rouen Middle School to study;
When Charlie kept his grades to the middle level by relying on rote memorization, she actually let him drop out of school and went to take the doctor exam by himself.
Even so, Charlie obediently dropped out of school and lived in a room rented by his mother for him to study by himself.
She thought this would ensure that Charlie would be in a smooth life, but it was this arrangement that made Charlie cowardly and dare not have his own ideas.
Charlie has always been controlled by his mother's relationship pattern and was quickly copied into his marriage.
In the first marriage, Charlie followed his mother's arrangements and married a widow who was a teenager who was ugly but rich.
After marriage, he obeyed his wife's advice. The relationship between Charlie and his wife actually replicates his relationship with his mother, and he is still the controlled party.
Charlie's second marriage made his mother very dissatisfied. According to his mother's words:
"When the widow was there, the old lady felt that she was still loved by her son, but now Charlie's kindness to Emma is clearly equivalent to a kind of act of giving up her kindness."
Emma, who made her mother very dissatisfied, was the object of Charlie's obsession. Because Emma's willfulness, freedom and even indulgence are what Charlie cannot get when he grows up.
Although both my mother and neighbors said Emma was not good, Charlie was very satisfied with his life. In his opinion, "I never had a good time before this."
Therefore, he focused on Emma's needs and even borrowed money to repay Emma's debts to his lover.
Psychology says: "The model of marriage relationship is actually manifested in the relationship between early childhood and parents of the opposite sex."
He relies on Emma psychologically. When Emma committed suicide, he was the only one who really hurt his heart. When Emma saw the truth about Emma's affair, his spiritual world collapsed and he died soon.
It can be said that Charlie's life was a life without self. Because he was afraid of conflict and did not dare to express himself, he not only failed to save the marriage but made Emma even more unscrupulous and eventually turned into tragedy.
Charlie's mother was determined to arrange her life for her son, but in the end she didn't expect it to be a road to tragedy.
Excessive interference is actually a kind of control. Children who grow up in a controlled environment often look very obedient. In fact, this is a kind of favor that children can please their parents and dare not reveal their true selves. The consequence of control education is that children dare not express their ideas and have no independent self.
is manifested in behavioral habits, either passively escape or sudden rebellion; it is manifested in interpersonal relationships, which is constantly tolerant, afraid of conflict, and is often considered an incompetent "good old man".
Parental love lies in letting go at the right time and giving children an independent awareness.
spoiled parents raise children who are willful and indulgent
Emma's father is a spoiled parent.
The essence of spoiling is that there are no rules.
He is an authentic small farm owner, but he doesn’t look down on his own industry.
There is a saying, "If parents love their children, they will have a far-reaching plan."
Emma's father has been planning for his daughter, wanting her to be higher than the level of his life.
He believes that his daughter is talented and hopes that her daughter can live a different life than her. When his daughter was thirteen years old, he paid to send her to the monastery to study and took her to the city in person.
It’s just that he planned a material for his daughter to transcend his own level of life, but he did not cultivate independent spirit and qualities for his daughter.
In the monastery, Emma did not learn the rules and regulations, but instead became obsessed with the illusory and fragile love story. Every day I look forward to seeing a white feathered knight galloping in the ancient castle. Love dreams like
are natural for female classmates who are born in aristocratic, but for Emma, who is born in the farm, it is just a whimsical idea.
Because of this, Emma, like her father, has always been dissatisfied with her life, is unwilling to face the real life, and is only willing to indulge in the imagination and obsession with illusory love.
Emma's father's unrealistic spoiling not only did not give Emma the wisdom of life, but instead made her indulge in fantasy, thus embarking on the road of tragedy.
After getting married, she lived a luxurious life, spending fourteen francs to buy lemons just to wash her nails; the charcoal cooked in the kitchen alone can serve twenty-five dishes;
In fact, their lives only earn a little diagnosis fee by Charlie, and they cannot afford this extravagant and wasteful style;
If Emma's father could let his daughter understand his life state, support himself, and see the hardships of making money, Emma might not indulge in fantasy. Such doting methods as
prevent Emma from facing her birth, identity and family environment.
She neither assumes the responsibility of being a mother nor is she willing to manage her family. She only wants to live a high-class aristocratic life. The result was that he committed suicide after despair.
Giving beyond the scope of ability is actually a kind of spoiling. The consequences of spoiling are that children are self-centered selfish and indulgent, and do not know how to cherish.
Luo Xiang said: "Excessive freedom is indulgence."
The essence of spoiling is the lack of boundaries.
Henry Crowder said in " Setting a Boundary for Children ": "The lack of a Boundary leads to self-interest. Letting a Boundary for children is to let them experience the sense of responsibility in facing reality in person.
Excessive spoiling makes children often constantly seek, fear of failure, and often fail to recover because of a little setback.
Every parent wants to give the best to their children, but sometimes too much is too much.
Parental love lies in giving appropriately so that children can know how to cherish having. Parental love lies in giving appropriately so that children can cherish having. html l2
dereliction of duty parents raise a lonely and helpless child
Bert is the child of Charlie and Emma, the most pitiful child.
Mother Emma was disappointed with love, and under the pressure of usury, he drank arsenic and ended up all. His father Charlie died of depression after knowing the truth about Emma's cheating.
They were negligent parents, giving their children life, but did not assume the most basic responsibilities of parenting.
Although the father Charlie really loves her daughter, he cannot stay at home with his children because he wants to earn money to support his family;
Although the mother Ama has time, she is not at home. What she wants is a passionate life and has no concept of a child in her heart.
She didn't have a deep relationship with Bert from the beginning because she was just curious about what it was like to be a mother and hoped to have a son. When she heard that she was giving birth to a daughter, she actually "turned her head and fainted."
She quickly sent Bert to her wet nurse's house. She finally visited her once, but she went with her lover.
When her parents were alive, Bert was basically with her nanny;
After her parents died, she was sent to her grandmother's house pennilessly. In less than half a year, grandma also passed away.
Berte was completely orphan and was sent to a textile factory for odd jobs very early, and the novel did not explain the final outcome.
Don’t think too much about it, how hard it is to survive a girl without a father or mother without any relatives.
If parents can accompany her and raise her in a stable manner, her life will be a different situation.
Shafari Sabari said in "Parents' Awakening": Parents have three main functions: monitoring, management, and resources.
Being a parent is a responsibility and one must have the ability to accompany the children.
It is easy to have children, but it is difficult to raise children.
If you choose to bring a child to the world, you must be prepared from material to spiritual companionship.
There is a saying that goes: "Children do not need you much time, but we forget to give them what they want most in a hurry, which is wholehearted companionship."
Parental love lies in common growth, the best raising, and high-quality companionship.
"The Awakening of Parents" says: The process of raising children is actually a re-exploration and travel of parents' own lives.
Parents must know that nurturing children is not nurturing a mini version of themselves, but shaping a soul with independent characteristics.
Parental love is an instinct and a responsibility for children.
The future of children's growth is hidden in the parents' pattern. The process of accompanying children to grow up is also the process of parents' self-growth.
May you and me respect your children, so that they can find the power of their own growth in their autonomous consciousness;
accompany the children, so that they can feel the sincere care and support of their parents in mutual communication;
lead the children, so that they can exercise the ability to love themselves and life through continuous practical exploration.
Author Profile: Li Qingyin, Fushu columnist, the world of fireworks, clear sounds of mountains and rivers, article: The theory of evolution of parents, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu. It is not allowed to be reproduced without authorization, and infringement will be pursued. Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Life Good"
