Author: Creator Group·Pure Black Swan
Recently, the suspense drama "Are you safe? 》 is currently on the air. The drama combines social hot spots such as marriage, love, workplace, and education, which has aroused heated discussions among the audience. What resonates the most among is the experience of a genius online boy traveling around.
Rong Zishan plays Zhou You, a computer genius. He is self-taught, and although he is first-class in technology, he is young and energetic. He relied on his talent to act recklessly, not only spoofing the teacher's photos, but also hacked into the school system to change his grades privately. For this reason, the school conducted a probation on him, and he was denied a serious demerit.
Zhouyou's parents who didn't agree with their son playing computers labeled his son as a "bad child" without saying a word and forced him to apologize. During his adolescence, he was dissatisfied with the punishment of the school and was emotionally out of control and refused to admit his mistake.
Mother had to kneel in front of the school leader to admit his mistake, while his father was furious and slapped him in public. Zhou You ran away from home in anger, and this took two years to go.
After leaving home, he turned into a ghost fire dancer and used hacking techniques to uphold justice. It was not until someone exposed his origin that Zhou You remembered his parents who had not been in contact for a long time.
At night, Zhou You dialed the phone at home and heard his mother shouting "son" heart-wrenchingly, but she didn't say a word after all. He already knew he was wrong, but his parents' previous attitude made him dare not face it again. The scene of
is so real that it makes people feel distressed.
It is not scary for children to make mistakes. What is scary is that parents use arbitrary to replace understanding and forced to replace communication. If Zhou You's parents could accept his emotional out of control, respect his hobbies, and use a tolerant heart to influence him who was "injured", Zhou You would not leave home impulsively. Instead, he may also have some achievements in the field of computers.
In life, the simplest and most effective nourishment is inner prosperity, and the acceptance, respect and understanding from parents is the best offering to children in their hearts.
Traveling around may be a tragedy in life, but as a parent, you must see the underlying logic of the tragedy, and make good use of the three effects of raising children with wealth.
Lightning rod effect
A conflict, a quarrel, jumping off the bridge with all your thoughts. This happened to a 17-year-old boy in Shanghai.
Many people may say that boys are too fragile. In fact, before this, he had thought countless times to reconcile with his parents. It’s a pity that parents who have long been accustomed to measuring their children by their own standards have not been able to see the boy’s efforts.
The parents' repeated incomprehension caused the boy to instantly burst out the bad emotions accumulated in daily life, and finally chose to end the confrontation in such a tragic way.
There is a lightning rod effect in psychology, is to relieve children's negative emotions, which is a bit like the protective effect of lightning rods in tall buildings during thunderstorms.
If parents can become that lightning rod in time, their children will not get stuck in the ruthlessness and tragedy will not happen.
"Hello, Child", Li Xiaomeng, the author of "Hello, Child", interviewed a boy who has a low level of education but is extremely excellent in himself. When asked what he felt most deeply during his growth, the boy mentioned the college entrance examination with a proud look.
It turned out that the boy was so nervous that he couldn't study when he was preparing for the exam. In order to relieve the pressure and concentrate on reading, he tied himself to the desk with a rope.
After seeing this, my mother not only did not blame him, but also comforted her while untiing the rope: "If you can't get into college, we still have a lot of land. If it really doesn't work, you can go out to work or repeat the school. Why do you tie yourself up? If you really don't want to learn, don't learn it first! By the way, which girl do you like in your class?"
Simple and simple language has made the boy feel it still. He admitted that without a mother who knew how to accept her emotions, she would not have been able to succeed now.
It is not embarrassing to vent emotions, but people always distinguish sadness, anger and other emotions from happiness, excitement and other emotions. It seems that as long as the emotions we express are negative, we should feel ashamed and guilty.
Parents do not know how to accept their children's emotions. They will choose to hide and suppress them when their emotions fluctuate. When bad emotions accumulate to a certain level, they will inevitably threaten the child's mental health.
This is like a magnificent house. If the garbage is not cleaned up in time, it won’t take long, and the house will be filled with garbage and smelly. Those who live in it will sooner or later get sick.
If parents can understand the fear and anxiety behind children's emotional changes like lightning rods, they will allow them to vent their own will.
No matter what they encounter in the future, they can face it calmly. Because they have long been cured by this acceptance of their parents.
Cadillac effect
It is said that there is an Indian old man in Oklahoma, the United States. One day he accidentally found oil underground. From then on, the old man got rich overnight. The old man immediately bought a Cadillac to show his wealth. But he couldn't drive, so he could only use two horses to pull the car for a ride in the town, and was ridiculed in public.
In Family education , there are many parents who are similar to this Indian elderly person's practice. They shape their children according to their inherent knowledge and wishes, and constantly pull the children forward with the power of two horses, but ignore that the children themselves are a full-horsepower Cadillac.
You should know that every child has innate talent or talent. If parents lack accurate judgment of their children, and make decisions without authorization, interfere with their growth direction, they will be unable to realize their maximum potential, just as Cadillac cannot achieve its best performance.
For example, some parents think that musicians are good, so they force their children to play the piano; some parents think that being a writer is good, so they force their children to learn to write good articles; some parents think that sports are good, so they blindly let their children exercise until they are overdrawn.
As a result, parents have suffered a lot, but the children have no progress. Because the child is just being forced forward by parents like the elderly, and mechanically completing various requirements. However, their talents and abilities have not grown substantially.
On the surface, parents are paying attention to and raising children. In fact, the opportunities they create are not suitable for children's development. Putting a certain knowledge or skill on the child will only kill the child's own characteristics intentionally or unintentionally.
educator Rousseau said that the problem is not to teach him various knowledge, but to cultivate his interest in learning, and when this interest fully grows, teach him how to study knowledge.
Only by exploring their children's talents and giving them enough time and space to explore as much as possible can parents meet their children's growth needs and let this Cadillac be truly driven.
professor at Fudan University Qian Wenzhong 's son was once addicted to electronic games and could not extricate himself. Considering that extreme measures such as disconnecting the Internet and smashing computers would cause dissatisfaction among children, Qian Wenzhong chose to do the opposite.
Through investigation and research, he found some games with ingenious designs and rich historical themes, and recommended them to his son indirectly.
Seeing that the father was so proactive, the child was very excited and actively cooperated. In order to win the game, he also studied various historical issues with his father, but he fell in love with history and finally went abroad to study and majored in history.
You see! The game problem that makes most parents messy is solved so easily.
famous writer Zhang Jie said that any kind of interest contains the inclination of nature, and perhaps also the flash of genius in the original state.
No child is a genius when he is born. The reason why a genius becomes a genius is not because of how powerful the talent he has, but because his parents have chosen the direction that suits him the most suitable direction for his development.
The premise of education is to respect the nature of children . If parents do not do things that kill their children's talents and help them shape the most favorable learning environment, they can fully utilize their talents based on internal motivation.
Children who are respected and developed can adapt to the ever-changing society and then shine on their own track.
South wind effect
French writer once wrote a fable:
South wind and north wind want to compete who can let pedestrians take off their clothes. The north wind only knows to blow constantly, but people wrap their clothes tighter; the south wind chooses to blow gently, and the weather suddenly becomes warmer, so people naturally take off their clothes.
This is South Wind Effect . As long as it conforms to its internal needs, it can make people go from passive to active.
It gives us the inspiration that tolerance is more effective than punishment. "Storm-like" reprimands, even corporal punishment, will only make the child wrap his coat tighter. On the contrary, if the "spring breeze and rain" education method is adopted, the child will take the initiative to take off his clothes.
Carnegie was not a good child when she was a child. When she was 9 years old, her father found him a stepmother and said to her stepmother: "He is very bad and often does bad things. You must be careful of him." The stepmother did not take it seriously, but instead said to Carnegie seriously: "It doesn't matter, I know you are a smart child and you will definitely achieve great things in the future." The praise of
became the driving force that motivated Carnegie for her life. Finally, he became one of the most influential figures of the 20th century.
You see, parents can guide their children correctly with the south wind effect, which will give them a huge sense of satisfaction, thus creating the desire to "do better", which is obviously much more useful than just criticizing them.
There is a hot topic on Zhihu: What will parents do after children make mistakes and make their children unforgettable?
The answer to get a high praise is: there is no furiousness, no harsh words, but telling the child to still love him.
After the child makes a mistake, parents should first avoid the mistake itself, bring the child out of the shadow of the mistake, and then study how to solve the problem. Only when children constantly feel love while getting along with their parents can they feel that they have meaning.
Parents’ acceptance, respect and understanding
Determine the height of children
Everyone will make mistakes during their growth. Parents should not give too much accusation and complaints just because their children make mistakes.
Psychologist Eriksen once pointed out that the process of error is also a process of better understanding of oneself . Making mistakes is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as the child can gain experience in the mistakes, avoid causing greater losses, and thus improve a certain ability, which is conducive to future development, this mistake is worth it.
Education should be unrestrained rather than blocked. As parents, first of all, you should face up to your children’s mistakes and accept their imperfections; then, on the basis of respecting your children, guide them to bear the consequences they have caused; finally, help your children take reasonable measures to transform themselves and improve themselves.
You should know that all visionary parents know how to use three effects to make their children grow into a better self:
accept their children’s original appearance, even if it is not what you hope to be;
protects their children’s uniqueness and does not suppress them with external eyes;
Tolerantly understand their children’s mistakes and give them the courage to face the surroundings.
Parents can do these things, which is the greatest blessing for their children in their lives. In the days to come, they will surely fly against the wind and shine.
Author: Pure Black Swan, National Secondary Psychological Counselor. The words are all about the prosperity of the world, and the words are just a few words to protect the joys and sorrows, and look at yourself from the camera. Since it exists, it is a proud and beautiful existence. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy), a parenting platform for millions of parents to pay attention to, convey professional family education concepts, provide family education information at home and abroad, and share absorbable and actionable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a family habit.
