There is a scene in the movie "Why Home" that impressed me. The protagonist Zane said to the judge in court: "I want to sue my parents because they gave birth to me." And the boy's desperate and sorrowful eyes deeply hurt us outside the screen.
Because of the parents' incompetence, Zane has suffered from life, and the children are troubled by the negative emotions of inferiority and timidity. And this also leads to a topic we are going to talk about today: What kind of indelible negative effects the unhealthy native family created by irresponsible parents will bring to children?
The famous psychologist Susan Fouwert once said that the emotional damage these parents add to their children spreads to the entire body of the child like a chemical toxin , And the pain that children suffer will continue to deepen as they grow up. Susan sharply refers to such parents as poisonous parents.
Types of toxic parents and the impact on their children
First, incompetent, incompetent
A more obvious characteristic of incompetent parents It is the dislocation of family relationships. In a normal family, it is often the parents who take the initiative to provoke the burden of life and help their children remove the obstacles to growth as much as possible. But in this atypical family, the children have to learn to be alone, and the parents have become the one who needs care and comfort. This kind of parents pay too much attention to their own feelings, but lose their position, and cannot do a good job in the transformation of social roles.
still take the movie "Why Home" as an example. Zane’s father is always drunk, and his mother always needs to hug her younger siblings and turn around. And Zane, this 12-year-old child has to work hard to carry heavy goods, earn money to supplement the family, and take his siblings with him at night.
I think the burden on my body is about to crush Zane’s tender shoulders. If you stay in this environment for a long time, what harm will it produce?
1. A sense of powerlessness caused by inability to do so
Due to conditions, children are indeed incapable of some things, but they just take all the responsibility on themselves. But it is a pity that if you redouble your efforts, you will not escape the law of failure in the end. If things go on like this, children will have a deep sense of powerlessness and doubt their own abilities. And this feeling will slowly penetrate into the bone marrow until it turns them into an inferiority and timid person.
2. The emotional numbness caused by the habit of denying needs
The long-term misplacement of roles will make children have no time and energy to think about their own emotional needs, not only In this way, the closest parents around can not give them enough emotional comfort. Since it is not available, there is only one way, and that is to suppress denial. To counteract the turbulent feeling of loneliness. Over time, in terms of emotional perception, they will appear congenital insufficiency, lose the ability to sincerely express love, and easily become a cold machine that only knows how to pay.
Second, physical violence, verbal insults
There used to be data indicating that nearly 75% of children have been abused, and nearly 6% of them have suffered abuse. Caused by parents. This data is shocking. And such an overly radical approach will make the child gradually approach the pleasing personality.
Because the child's own discrimination ability is relatively weak, he cannot correctly distinguish the parents' words and deeds. In order to make parents more gentle towards themselves, children will naturally learn to observe their words and behaviors without knowing it, hide their true self in order to satisfy their parents' preferences, and habitually to please and please their parents. This personality will be reflected in all aspects of the childFace, and this is not conducive to children having a healthy and stable close relationship after they grow up.
What does the child need to do to get rid of the shadow?
First, return the responsible object to the original owner and release the distress.
As mentioned above, because of the responsibility that should not be undertaken, the heart will be defeated by a sense of powerlessness. If you want to get rid of the shadows, you need to recognize the objective facts and return the responsibility to those who should bear it. Here are the basic steps for you to share for your reference.
1. Find a quiet place and prepare your own childhood photos
We can aim at the photos and say loudly: You don’t need to be responsible for something. The content of the narration can be the feeling of inner pain, or it can be a specific experience. As long as it can release the long-repressed emotions, it has achieved our goal.
2. Prepare photos of parents
and then yelled at the photos of parents in a similar way: My parents should be responsible for something. Maybe you will feel sad after venting, but you can try to relieve the resentment in your heart with exercise or other beneficial methods. It's okay to cry a lot, let the pain of the past gradually disappear with the tears.
Second, confront and communicate with parents
The previous method is more euphemistic. So if you want to be more impactful, that is, more effective, you may need to confront your parents. Only when you communicate directly with your parents and speak your real thoughts, can you be truly free from pain and face life with a new mentality.
1. Choose an appropriate method
You can try to write to your parents, which can give parents more opportunities to think, but the disadvantage is that you may never have to expect a reply before due . Although the interview can be answered in a timely manner, it may lead to parental violence, so this needs to be handled according to the actual situation.
2. Choose the right time and place
Timing is critical. You can only choose to confront your parents if you can face up to your parents' censure and have the courage to bear the consequences. For the location, it is best to choose a place where you can feel sufficient security. It can be at home or a more private place.
3. Prepare the content of the dialogue carefully
No matter which method you choose, you need to include the following points. The first point: what you have done to me. The second point: the feeling at that time. The third point: the degree of impact on life. The fourth point: Today's requirements for parents. If it is an interview, we may need to practice a few times when we were in a disadvantaged position. Only when we remember the content thoroughly can we deal with it calmly during the interview, and will not be confused by the scolding of our parents.
The famous writer Keigo Higashino once said this: Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they cannot choose their parents. What kind of card is dealt to you, you can only try to play it well. Therefore, I still hope that every parent can educate their children with sufficient patience. If you have been traumatized, try your best to make up for it.
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