has resonated with many netizens: I don’t want to imitate my mother to take care of the big family, buy food, cook and do housework, fill my life with firewood, rice, oil, salt and chicken feathers, swallowing my anger for the sake of my children and being unable to move. That is not what I want. In my future, I should travel when I want to, and eat whatever I want. I start at whatever time I want. My future should have unlimited possibilities, not two points and a line, and "I will become you when I grow up." I am no one, I am just myself. I don't care if there is a light in the thousands of lights for me. I came alone and I am destined to leave alone, so I should live for myself and not be bound by those so-called responsibilities.
We always see through our mother's contradictions when we grow up. When we were young, we were always worried about not having enough to eat, and would say to eat more, and if there was not enough, we would add more. When I was in adolescence, I was afraid of eating too much and didn't know how to exercise moderation. I would say that eating only 70% full would be enough, and don't eat too much.
When you walk too fast, I look forward to catching you with love. When you walk too slowly, I look forward to driving you away with love. So no matter how many contradictory words your mother has said, no matter how confused these words make you, it is your mother's love for you.
If you also want a way to improve communication with your children, then this book "Why Don't My Children Listen to Me" is a book you cannot miss. The author is the chief writer of Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, a popular author of psychological science, and a contracted psychological counselor of Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio. More than 20 lectures are held every year, and more than 1,000 students attend parent courses.
Why mothers can’t speak well
As the children get older, communication becomes more and more difficult. This is a misunderstanding. Maybe the poor communication started very early, but we didn’t feel it clearly.
When we were children, we always told our children that you must XXX. Do you want to listen? I count to 3! 1, 2, 3... Use parental authority to clearly resist the child, using language of punishment and humiliation. When we don’t treat our child as an independent person, but as a part of ourselves—my child. This goal is not in the child, but in me.
What parents say, children do. This idea seems to bring a lot of convenience to early communication, but in terms of long-term effects, it will cause endless harm.
I said it, did you hear it? Do it. This is one-way communication. He closes the communication channel and ignores the other party's feelings. It also shows that parents lack basic understanding of their children!
Pu Shu's parents are both professors of Peking University . After he was admitted to university, he dropped out after one semester. He said to his parents, this university was admitted for you, and now I have passed the exam. I'm going to do what I love.
Even if the parents are professors, they will make demands to force the children to submit when communicating with them. therefore. Many children have never had the opportunity to learn how to make concessions and take care of the needs of others while protecting their own interests and needs, so as to gain understanding and support from the environment and better develop themselves.
The hardest thing about parental love is that we are everything to the child at the beginning, and the child loves us and needs us with all his heart. This feeling of sadness and need may be something we have never experienced anywhere else except as children, so this kind of love is infatuating. However, as a child grows up, he will gradually shift from loving his parents to loving others.
All love is for reunion, only parental love is for separation.
Three levels of communication
If you want communication to move in the direction you expect, you need to understand how children receive information and output information, how to allow children to accurately receive the information you want to express, and what impact parents' expressions will have on children.
The four most important words of Feynman's learning method are concept (concept), teach (teach others), review (review), and simplify (simplify). It can also be used in communication.
When you and your child are talking about something, to make sure your child really understands it, ask him to pluralize it. And confirm whether you understand it by refining keywords.
After all, it takes a process from listening to hearing to understanding.
The key point for children to feel that their parents are willing to listen to them is to listen patiently to what the children have to say, without judging, without criticizing, and without rushing to draw conclusions.
When communicating with children, you can get real feelings from these aspects:
- To understand what happened, you need to ask what are the objective facts that happened?
- Understand what the child’s feelings and emotions are?
- Under this feeling, what did the child do and what was the impact of this behavior on him.
But if we can remain patient and curious about our children and listen to them with peace of mind, we are already soothing his emotions. Many times, when children cry or lose their temper, they are just venting an emotion. They want someone to take the initiative to ask you what's wrong. Knowing that someone cares about them gives them the strength to face the problem at hand.
After listening effectively, expressing understanding is the second step to smooth communication. Generally, if I find a child crying or in a bad mood, I will ask the child first. I find that you are in a bad mood now. Do you need to stay alone for a while before talking to me, or should I ask you now?
When he was talking, you didn’t comment on the right or wrong of what he did, or the right or wrong of the result. You just understood him from an emotional perspective. You must have felt particularly uncomfortable at the time, so was it right to do this? It would be nice if mom could find out something was wrong with you earlier. . Understanding his emotional feelings is the most important thing in communication. Through empathy, children also learn to understand others. Lay the foundation for the ability to cooperate with others in the future.
Finally, we have to discuss the problem itself and find a solution.
In this communication, parents need to be careful not to arouse their own excitement because of the matter itself!
When a child tells you about his cool running achievements, you perceive the danger through this achievement and connect the two. Tell him that this sport is so dangerous and you can easily get injured if you don't pay attention. This is not okay. It can't be done. Wasn't XX seriously injured and hospitalized because of drag racing? How could you be willing to play such a dangerous sport? You are lucky that you were not injured this time, and you will be lucky for the rest of your life...
Only when they feel loved, can children have the motivation to do things better. However, parents try to use such intimidation and things that have not happened to get their children to accept your ideas or have a good attitude for them. What a totally different thing.
Set your own state
There is a saying in psychology: the body will remember the hardships you have endured.
We all believe that even if we have been hurt, it will eventually pass as time goes by. However, if the sentiment of investing in has not been channeled and understood, the feeling will not disappear. When encountering similar problems, feelings will revive, affecting our judgment and our interaction with our children.
Therefore, parents need to continue to be aware of the source of their emotions.
- What habits and traits do you think are problematic in your child and make you feel particularly anxious?
- Do you have similar habits or traits?
- If you have this habit and trait, recall how you were treated?
- How do you feel when you are treated like this? How do you want to be treated?
Face yourself truly, face your own regression to . If you dislike something in your child and you find that you share it, don't argue with your child about it.
This legacy can only be broken if we allow ourselves to be flawed human beings. Only when we allow ourselves to slow down can we respond to our child's slowness in a non-transgressive way.
To understand children is to liberate your former self.
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