Hello everyone, I am Hu Junli.
Family education entrepreneur who accompanys mothers to raise their children scientifically.
※ In addition to original articles, 3 study notes are selected every day.
Learning notes come from: books, official accounts, Zhihu, Weibo, paid communities, group chats, circle of friends, etc., which do not represent personal opinions, and do not know the original source, so most of them do not indicate where they are excerpted and deleted if they are infringed.
This is the 332nd study note: The reason why children are not in a hurry for their parents.
is the main text of the study notes.
1. Don’t tell your child that it’s not easy to raise you
Don’t tell your child how difficult it is to raise you. This is to “strike good”, that is, boast about the good things you have done.
If you take the initiative to ask for a return, it will be offensive and your relationship will be downgraded to a trading relationship.
"He is not upright, even if he is ordered, he will not obey."
Why do you have no weight in your words?
Because people who listen to you look down on you.
2. Parents transfer anxiety to their children
A senior high school teacher who did not want to be named explained that it is a common phenomenon for parents to be more anxious about learning than their children.
In her opinion, the pressure caused by parents is no less than the exam-oriented education.
Well-known psychologist , who has been engaged in the training of primary and secondary school teachers, said that the pressure of parents far exceeds that of teachers and is the main source of children's learning pressure.
Why do parents put such great pressure on their children?
Dr Xu Haoyuan said that the simplest explanation is that parents pass on their anxiety to their children.
Parents, especially mothers, have their own growth stagnated and have great anxiety about whether they can adapt to society.
But they do not solve the problem through their own growth, but instead place their hopes on their children more, which ends up putting the children under double pressure.
"Parents hope that their children will be good, but often don't know what to do," said Dr. Xu Haoyuan.
"The most common thing is that they do not consider the psychological needs of their children, but design their lives for their children based on their own psychological needs.
As a result, they educate their children out of love, but in the end they develop non-love behaviors that restrict children's growth."
- Excerpted from "Why Home hurts people"
3. The reason why children are not anxious for parents is rushing
Parents' expectations for their children are also projected in many cases. They have various psychological needs, but they do not achieve them through their own efforts, but expect their children to achieve them.
The child is the person he loves the most. When the child realizes it, it is like he has realized it himself. "This kind of psychology is the fundamental reason why 'children are not anxious about parents'," said Dr. Xu.
"Parents' own psychological needs are not met, but they pass on the psychological pressure brought by this to their children."
Mrs. Dong's daughter Rongrong is in her second year of high school and now she doesn't do any housework.
This is not something Mrs. Dong deliberately used to it.
At the beginning, Mrs. Dong asked Rongrong to do some housework, but as long as Rongrong delayed, her mother would not be able to help herself.
For example, when you look at your daughter's dirty clothes piled up at home, if you don't wash them, Mrs. Dong will feel upset.
Only after washing can you feel a little more happy. The reason for the surface of
is that this is in line with your own hygiene habits.
But another important reason is that she saved her daughter time to study.
tried every possible way to save the child's time and let him learn, which has become the original psychological need of many mothers.Why is this happening to
?
Because in the subconscious, my mother is anxious about the changes in society and feels that she cannot adapt to the current fierce competition.
However, she didn't have the courage to improve herself, so she secretly hoped that her child could get into a prestigious university and "occupies the commanding heights" in social competition, and she also felt a sense of accomplishment. So, if she has the energy, she will use it on the child, not on herself. This psychological transfer mechanism is more common in mothers.
However, Mrs. Dong’s approach is very ordinary, and some mothers’ approach is more extreme.
Some "all with mothers" spend all their spare time "improving children's abilities", and they still refuse to stop despite obvious negative effects. Why is this happening to
?
The simplest explanation is that this is the extreme " If you have the energy, just put on your child."
They seem to be for their children, but in their hearts, they are anxious about their inability to adapt to society.
Dr. Xu said: " Many mothers have stopped growing up completely. How can they not be anxious?
But they do not try to make themselves grow up, but put all the pressure on their children.
They say that this is love, but to be honest, they are passing on their anxiety."
—Excerpt from "Why Home hurts people"
3-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-